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Original poster

Nick Duerden in the Guardian - His wife "leaves me fully alone with my daughter for the first time" at 16 months!

492 replies

beanieb · 02/05/2009 23:57

piece

Is this normal, for a father to not be left with their child alone until they are over a year old?

OP posts:
PaulaYatesBiggestFan · 04/05/2009 21:29

i just dont 'get' the retching when you have been trying for a year and are both sane?

Noonki · 04/05/2009 21:30

justthefourofus...sorry not buying it that you are she.

It's your first post!

The family section of the guardian is getting worse by the week

Merrylegs · 04/05/2009 21:33

Very brave post justthefourofus. I hope you don't regret it!

As I said, my judging was on the article, which I'm afraid I found overwritten and cliched and the voice just wasn't engaging. I understood it was an extract from a book and as such it didn't work as a stand alone piece. Perhaps in the context of a book the set pieces may ring true.

FWIW, your DP does sound like a very lovely and caring dad. I just wish he had been more direct and 'real' in his writing style.

Perhaps a more honest edit would have saved the day!

policywonk · 04/05/2009 21:40

Noonki, it's not her first post - she posted earlier in the thread!

I agree that the Family section is fit only for the cat's litter tray (lol at whoever it was who commented on its touching faith in the power of organic vegetables to enchant the under-fives).

That leaves, er, ONE section of the Saturday Guardian that I actually read.

PaulaYatesBiggestFan · 04/05/2009 21:44

the family section of the guardian is pulpy fiction not real grassroots journalism imo

piscesmoon · 04/05/2009 21:56

'TheBolter, I have not had ONE night out without ds's since ds2 was born.'

Is this supposed to be a virtue?

TheLadyEvenstar · 04/05/2009 21:59

Pisces, nope was replying to a posting and pressed post too soon.

muffle · 04/05/2009 22:07

Wow justthefourof us - thanks for posting, that is brave. I take on board what you've said but he still does come across in the article as not hands-on at all, as well as very self-absorbed. I realise it's possible to play up the "isn't it hilarious what a crap dad I am" angle for journalistic effect - if that's the case then I think it's sad that that's what editors (well the guardian family section) will pay for, but that's not the journalist's fault.

He did say in the article that he had to battle through a hangover in the morning. That's not just merry is it. But again, it's probably exaggerated.

nooka · 05/05/2009 03:49

If it was basically a work of fiction then I really can't see what it was doing in a real life section I'm afraid. I think it is incredibly unhelpful to have this sort of stuff peddled about. But then "I looked after my daughter for a night and it was no big deal" isn't going to get you any dosh I guess.

Why can't newspapers etc publish things that are actually interesting, about people who have achieved something or are special in some way? Reminds me of why I no longer read papers, but it does seem a pity really. Too much reality tosh and not enough real journalism.

Gorionine · 05/05/2009 10:13

I have missed quite a few pages since my last post. I am really amazed at some of the comments.

Like a few other mums here (not many it seems) I have never felt the need to have a "night out" without my DCs and no, I do not think it is a virtue, it is just the way things work with us. Dh is away all day at work so during that time I take responsability for the children. When he is off work (evening, weeek-end, holiday) we like to do things together as a family. I have really tried hard, but still cannot find a single reason that makes it a "wrong" or "bad" thing. I cannot find a link between that and DH being useless either.

Now, if I was dying top have a night out without the DCS I would have one, but you know what, I would want DH to be with me because frankly I do not miss being alone one bit but I do miss being alone with him quite a lot!

piscesmoon · 06/05/2009 19:20

I was assuming that people would want to go out in the evening with their DP-not necessarily alone-and get a babysitter.

Ripeberry · 06/05/2009 22:28

He is such a wet blanket, if i was his wife and he had reacted like that i would have punched him one.
Hope he has grown up now!

seeker · 06/05/2009 22:33

The thing that struck me about this article was the bit where the mother came back to find him crying and her first reaction was "What have you done?" I can't imagine saying that to my dp in the circumstances in a million years - and if I did, I suspect he would be out the door so fast I wouldn't see him move.

cory · 07/05/2009 08:20

Gorionine, most of us are not saying that a mother must go out alone. What we are saying is that it seems odd to make such a difference between the mother and a father, assuming that she gets on with looking after the baby from the start, but she has to "let" him look after it when she judges him ready. There is nothing in that article that suggests equal parenting.

If the writer really thought it was no big deal for a man to be looking after his baby (after all these months) - why the need for the article?

seeker · 07/05/2009 08:38

I didn't go out and leave mine overnight at this age because they were still breast feeding. If my dp had had boobs I would not have questioned his ability to look after them - and would have left them with him without a second thought. Rather as he left them with me when he had to be away overnight for work. I do find this "Ohh look, it's a man babysitting his children' attitude deeply bizarre. Equally, the "I have grown to manhood - I plumbed the hell that is a dirty nappy and survived. Hail me, oh ye people" articles are completely nausiating!

RumourOfAHurricane · 07/05/2009 17:21

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BottySpottom · 07/05/2009 19:15

What a prize plonker.

I wouldn't leave my dog with that man, let alone my 16 month old - no wonder he hadn't had her alone before then.

georgimama · 07/05/2009 19:47

It's all been said really, but what a load of Guardian wank. I don't even believe him about the Kinder egg bit. I honestly think he made that up.

Totally agree that in many cases men are able to get away with this type of crap because their partners actively discourage them from involvement at an early stage. I find this odd. I wouldn't have had a child with a man I didn't trust to look after it.

JacquelineBouvier · 07/05/2009 20:06

totally agree, man's a twonk.

umm, just to pick up on a posters comment about being shocked at him listening to his ipod.

I listen to my ipod (with earphones) a lot when pushing ds on the swing (he can be on there for what seems like forever) or when with him at the park and he's legging it around. or even when he's just in the garden. I like to catch up with my podcasts!

I don't listen when we're playing together (I'm not that bad!) but i just sometimes get really bored when looking after him.

judge away

policywonk · 07/05/2009 20:13

Have you lot noticed that Nick Thingy's wife posted on this thread a couple of days ago?

georgimama · 07/05/2009 20:15

Did she PW? Who is she?

minxofmancunia · 07/05/2009 20:20

Haven't read all of thread but totally garee crap article, bloke's an idiot IMO.

But alos agree with those who've said some women actively encourage this infantilism in their dps/dhs treating them as incompetent idiots who're incapable of the most basic taks without being stage managed by their partners.

I've got a few friends like this, the look of acute anxiety that crosses their dps faces when they have to look after dcs on their own, one friend didn't leave the care of her dc to her dh until after 18 months and he was in a complete pickle about it, wrought with ridiculous anxiety. Some women are total control freaks and you can see this in their relationships. They then moan they never get any time to themselves .

Apart from bf here has been pretty much 50/50 care here since dd was born, and that's the way it should be.

georgimama · 07/05/2009 20:24

OK, just noticed her posts. So based on what she says, the whole suggestion in the article that he had no idea what he was doing and had never flown solo with his daughter before that was total arse gravy just cooked up to try and publicise a book.

Yawn.

reluctantfatherpublisher · 07/05/2009 21:34

I am the publisher of The Reluctant Father by Nick Duerden, and confess to being somewhat bemused by the apparent distress he caused with the piece he wrote about the book on Saturday, for the Guardian Family section.

When Nick?s manuscript arrived in our office, two editors, both women in their twenties and who do not have children, fell upon the book. Couldn?t put it down. For them, Nick?s account of his problems with coming to terms with fatherhood, rang utterly true ? and addressed, in a refreshingly honest way, the great dilemma of modern man. He is undoubtedly more emotionally engaged than earlier generations but he is also freer to stay young and selfish for longer. The fact is that not all men today are instant perfect dads, ready to throw a nappy bag over their shoulder and spend the day in the municipal playground. As Nick discovered, many of them still find that parenthood takes some getting used to.
What you read in the Guardian was an edited extract. Read the whole book before you slag him off. It is by a man who falls so in love with his daughter that he can?t stop talking about her.

RumourOfAHurricane · 07/05/2009 21:43

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