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Nick Duerden in the Guardian - His wife "leaves me fully alone with my daughter for the first time" at 16 months!

492 replies

beanieb · 02/05/2009 23:57

piece

Is this normal, for a father to not be left with their child alone until they are over a year old?

OP posts:
BigBellasBeerBelly · 04/05/2009 14:37

I couldn't cope without DH. Being pg and anaemic and exhausted and depressed, if he wasn't on hand to look after DD while I have a sleep, take DD up the road to do the shopping when I'm not up to it I would have been a lunatic by now.

I feel it is very important for DH to have a close and loving reltionship with DD and to be able to and want to care for her. To feed her, clothe her, do her nappies, bath her. Why wouldn't he want to do those things and why wouldn't I let him?

TBH I am a bit of a control freak in other areas and do tend to boss him a bit, but with DD I have kept my mouth firmly shut and let him get on with it his way from day 1. It's the one area where I relax about having things done "my way".

The result is a little girl who is very close to daddy and a confident father, which means I get to rest when I need to.

I can't understand when I talk to my friends and they tell me despairingly they have been up with their DC at 5 am every day for the last 2 years etc. I would a. not have it and b. go insane through sleep deprivation.

Neither of us have been away overnight yet though - neither do it for work and nothing with friends etc has come up. If either of us wanted to though it would be absolutely fine.

piscesmoon · 04/05/2009 14:39

I wouldn't want to tell other people how to do it! I just feel sorry for the partner who isn't allowed the space on his own.

cyteen · 04/05/2009 14:58

teafortwo it seemed to me that any realisation of love in the article was far more selfish - it's all about him realising that she loves him, not the other way round.

muffle · 04/05/2009 15:03

I wonder if his DP is a mumsnetter? Quite possible. Would love to hear her side of it!

TheLadyEvenstar · 04/05/2009 16:36

My DP is a confident dad, and ds2 loves being with him but ds2 and I also like to be together. In Fact ds2 cries nonstop when i go away from him...even to the shower....So we are always together.

ThingOne · 04/05/2009 17:28

What I am saying is that my DH does have a close and loving relationship with his children. He didn't need me to go away overnight to do this.

I find the suggestion that fathers cannot change nappies, choose outfits and bathe their children just because the mother doesn't go away at night a bit bizarre.

TheLadyEvenstar · 04/05/2009 17:36

Thingone, I don't ever leave ds2 with anyone not even dp.

BigBellasBeerBelly · 04/05/2009 18:17

thingone I think the point of the article was that the dad didn't have a clue. If he had been capably changing nappies, comforting the child at night, looking after his DC while mum went up the supermarket/had a bath or whatever then he wouldn't have been thrown into a flat spin by the fact she was going away for a night. It would have been no big deal.

People aren't suggesting that you must go away for a night. Simply that it is a good idea for a father to actually know how to look after his children, and be happy to do so, so that if the mother goes away for a night the whole thing isn't so traumatic and alien to him that he has to go and write a book about it

violethill · 04/05/2009 18:26

Exactly Bigbella. No one has stated that 'You Must Go Away Overnight Before Your Child Is A Certain Age.'

Just that it would be rather nice for the child, as well as for the father, if he actually is trusted to look after his own child all by himself now and again.

piscesmoon · 04/05/2009 19:07

I don't think anyone needs to go away-just that the father is an equal parent. He should have picked it up in the same way and time as the mother and be trusted to do it without her hovering around as if he is an extra DC and everything will fall apart if she doesn't supervise!

cory · 04/05/2009 19:11

Apart from what violethill says, it's also the suggestion that it's the mother who makes the decision about when the child can be left etc. and what the father can be trusted with.

Dh would expect an equal say in what I can be trusted with. His children as much as mine.

teafortwo · 04/05/2009 19:16

Cyteen - Good point - he does say "I think maybe my daughter loves me," not "I had no idea how much I could love someone. I love our daughter (sob sob sob - snot snot snot) so (gasps for breath) much it is overwhelming!!!" Which would have fitted my reading of it better, really....

He he he!!!!

HensMum · 04/05/2009 19:18

I think he's more of a hands on parent that he makes out. The bit where he describes his little girl falling asleep holding his finger and that he knows that he's letting himself in for more trouble on following nights, suggests someone who knows quite a lot about their child's bedtime routine. And he knew how she liked to be soothed when she woke in the night - I don't think it was his first time doing it.

Not excusing the article, it was self-indulgent wank but I just think that he was a bit disingenuous with the whole "I'm a rubbish dad, me" bit.

ExtraFancy · 04/05/2009 20:25

I'm bloody glad that I'd left my DS alone with his dad plenty of times by the time he was 1 - when he was 14 months old, I was rushed to hospital and ended up staying in for 2 nights. It was the first/only time I'd ever been away from him at night. My DH coped marvellously and TBH I think my DS enjoyed it too

He stays at my MIL's house overnight every couple of weeks now (he's 20 months old) and he LOVES it. He runs to the door when he hears her car outside and always comes back happy...it is lovely to see him forming such a strong bond with someone other than me, particularly as my own family live 200 miles away!

I must admit that before I went into hopsital I's never evenentertained the idea of leaving him - but once I'd done it, I realised it wasn't anywhere near as scary as I feared it would be!

ilovesprouts · 04/05/2009 20:31

i could not be botherd to read it all but my dh was hands on from day 1

Thebolter · 04/05/2009 21:03

So did his dp have a 10 month pregnancy then? This self-indulgent clap-trap lost all credibility to me when I noticed his lazy reference to his wife giving birth nine months after doing the pg test. Duhhhh...

I left dd1 alone with dh for a night when she was 10 weeks old (although my breasts were massive and painful by the time we were reunited!). My sil OTOH is completely different... she hasn't left her 13 mth old alone with her dh for more than an hour and she's only been out for an evening twice since she was born.

BarcodeZebra · 04/05/2009 21:06

I've just looked at this article again. It's an excerpt from his book - presumably about what a pointless git he is.

Fucksake!

squeaver · 04/05/2009 21:09

Haven't read the thread but the answer to the question in the op is "yes it is normal for a journalist who sees the chance to sell a self-indulgent piece of tosh to the editor of the Guardian Family section".

TheLadyEvenstar · 04/05/2009 21:12

TheBolter, I have not had ONE night out without ds's since ds2 was born.

justthefourofus · 04/05/2009 21:12

OK, I'll probably regret this but hey ho... it is so hard to read about yourself and not be able to explain the background. I will change my name after this although I am not a regular poster, just a regular lurker.

The writer of the piece, my dp, had plenty of time alone with his daughter before the time he was left alone with her overnight. He had spent whole days with her, had given her baths, fed her, took her to the swings, looked after her for days while she was poorly with gastroenteritis and unable to go to the nursery, took her to the doctor, everything any parent would do. He is a very hands-on parent. We share parenting equally. I am a slight control freak and I do organise the house work and therefore I tend to tell him what needs to be done in the householod. But I know he is a very able man and should I be run over by a bus tomorrow I am certain that our two daughters will be in perfectly capable hands.

The article in question is an extract of a book and therefore does not allow for much background setting. The book is a memoir, so yes, it is self-indulgent but that is the point, really. The article has been published to publicise the book as it is customary. He is not friends with the editor, he is a freelance journalist trying to bring some money home. The book is about how, like many other people, he found the idea of being a father really scary, even though we had been trying for quite a while. Yes, his reaction to the pregnancy was hard to take, but we are very honest with our feelings and we worked through his fear and mine together. We both felt numb when our daughter was born, and talking to other people, we don't seem to be that rare in this. But like many others, the more time we spent with our baby the easier it got. My dp, dh now, has written about this because he can and has been given the opportunity, although I would not expect everyone to like his style or empathise with his experience. I have been with him for fifteen years and I am biased but he is a very kind person and a very good father.

And re the drinking, it was not a lot of wine over a very extended session with food included. I know my dh, he can not get stupidly drunk, he was just a little merry and should the need arise he would have responded appropriately. He had gotten up at night many times before and he still does with our second child.

As you can it is not that exciting...

justthefourofus · 04/05/2009 21:15

As you can see it is not that exciting

policywonk · 04/05/2009 21:18

OooohOOOOOO it's Jon Ronson's Elaine all over again

Very measured post JustTheFour... - must be hard to read this much bile about your DH.

LupusinaLlamasuit · 04/05/2009 21:22
LupusinaLlamasuit · 04/05/2009 21:26

So come on, spill: did you deck him when he retched?

I applaud your response. You must see though how his article would be read by us screaming harpies nest of vipers mothers?

If he was being self-indulgent for publishing purposes then I can understand why you wish to defend him. It doesn't read great though to the wider world does it? Does the rest of the book redeem him?

BigBellasBeerBelly · 04/05/2009 21:28

Hello justthefourofus!

If you are a lurker you won't be too surprised by this thread (hopefully!).