Thanks everyone means a lot.. no it’s not patronising at all.
When the attack happened on Friday I admit I was so scared of a heedless backlash I spent all my days making sure to communicate with everyone I know globally especially young Muslim men that the attacker wanted there to be a retaliation and that this would be non productive and won’t make them feel less vulnerable. I didn’t have a reason to worry but with all the reports on families of people who were groomed I just felt all them boys who are into gaming will be seeing a lot of this guys supporters online and would think they represent the world around them and might think they’re standing up for themselves by lashing out.. it’s an assumption which I decided not to risk.
But today I did myself a disfavour and read the manifesto of the man... read about how he treated the woman asking for help .. then saw the attack in Surrey and racial slurs in oxford and another arrest in london. and as I am pregnant and my hormones are raging it started to hit me how me and my headscarf are now a target for his followers. I’m struggling to comprehend that this much cold blooded evil exist as I realised he isn’t mentally deranged as I assumed he would be. He is ordinary.... meaning, he could be anybody.
I’d hate to make this about me because it isn’t.. and my feeble coward ness doesn’t represent most people as I’m just in a vulnerable state as am white skinned with a blond baby and pregnant.. I’m usually the type that just takes what life throws at me but I feel I could easily be mistaken for a convert which he very much states that he fiercely hated. He called for follow up attacks and it seems to be starting to brew.
So as my brother returned home late today me and my morher were frantically worried and I went into floods of tears.. just playing scenes of what could be happening to him.
I went to sleep and my husband came late to the room, and when he came I woke up with serious paranoia uncontrollably shaking and my mind froze.. for a good minute.. before I was awake enough to realise that he was just my husband.
I hate to sound so pathetic and I know I’m just making the agenda of the perpetrator succeed by becoming fearful. I feel guilty that I can’t just pull it together. Something about this just feels so different and exposed .
Every terror attack did make me scared, 7/7 bombing was very close to home and I remember not using public transport for a good few months afterwards and just walking it to work ... but this one feels terribly different.. it does feel isolating to be targeted for your appearance and stand out from a crowd.
Reading all the comments on places like YouTube makes it all sound like it’s surrounding us more than I thought.. i just assumed these people are a minority but it does seem like there is a lot of like minded individuals and I feel like an obvious target on a street.. and just very defenseless with an infant and pregnancy.
The only hope I feel now is the good people who are showing compassion And solidarity. They make it feel like we are not an isolated target.. so Please don’t think it’s patronising to let your Muslim neighbours know that you are there for them.