Leaving children 'home alone' - what do you think?

[KateMumsnet]

Hello all

A parent is arrested for leaving their child alone every day, according to new research.

The law doesn't currently specify the age at which children can be left on their own - and charges in the last three months of last year involved children between the ages of three months and 14 years.

What do you think? How old were your DC when you left them 'home alone' - and would you like to see the age at which a child can be left unsupervised defined in law?

My son is 8. He hasn't been left home alone yet, but I think it would be OK to leave him for half an hour or so soon. He knows not to answer the door and how to contact us in an emergency.
I do think children have way less freedom now. I walked to primary school on my own, including crossing roads, from when I was 8. I remember letting myself into the house after school when I was around 10 and my parents were out. I went into the town centre on my own when I was about 10 as well. In the normal run of things I think ten year olds should be able to be alone at home for short periods of time.
I agree with previous posters that is doesn't seem logical that kids can go and play out but not stay at home by themselves.

It's not just age though is it? It's all very well saying that for instance once a child is 11 they can legally stay at home by themselves, but what about length of time? SN? The whereabouts of the parent or another adult?

I wouldn't leave my DS longer than 20 mins because I don't have anyone who could drop everything and get to my house in an emergency.
If I had a more friendly relationship with a neighbour I'd feel happier leaving him longer iyswim?
If DS is off school with chicken pox I'm happy to leave him while I fetch his brothers from school but if he's off with a severe chest infection or sickness bug I'd rather not leave him incase he becomes very unwell while I'm gone.

It's stuff like that, that matters more than age imo.

Left alone for a few hours, during the day 11+ (age you go to secondary school here). Overnight, 14+ in my opinion.

I was left alone from about 8, me and sister fought and bickered a lot, so if parents had to run to shops (dad driving, mum doing the actual shopping bit) they took sis and left me vegging in front of the telly. Didn't do me any harm. Though I wouldn't leave ds until he was older. Left alone in house at weekends from 16. Mum step dad and sis went to caravan, I lived with dad at this point, but I stayed in hers at the weekend to mind the house and dog. I worked weekends, and couldn't go too. So worked out quite well.

Once, when I was about 9, my gran called to ours when I was home alone. I had had it drummed into me that I was to never ever unlock the door for anyone (I had a key in case I needed to get out, a fire or what not). So I refused my poor gran entry. She had to stand outside in the rain until they got back I think in my 9 year old mind, this was some sort of "test" and I didn't want to fail and have to do the weekly shop with them (even then I liked having the house to myself).

I think it depends on how sensible the child is, how long you'll be gone for, and what you're doing while your out. Leaving an 11 year old home alone plonked in front of the tv for an hour while you do the weekly shop at 5 pm vastly different than leaving your 6 year old from 5pm until 2.00am while you go out on the lash.

DD9 and DS8 are left alone for 10 minutes or so whilst I go to get milk or whatever.

I have tested them and they don't answer the door (or even make themselves seen if it rings). The can call my mobile and know that if for any hideous reason, I wasn't back within say 20 minutes, they can call their dad or a neighbour.

I also leave DD9 alone for up to half an hour to get DS from a club or something. It is always her choice to come or stay and her decision varies.

She is nearly 10 and very responsible and I would be doing her a dis-service if I didn't credit her with the ability to survive for 30 minutes whilst watcing tv and eating a biscuit.

I was a latch key kid at 8 years old walking home from primary school by myself with my sister who was 2 school years below me, so year 2. That was crossing a main road with a lollipop lady and then residential streets.

My parents both worked full time.

School was a 5 minute walk away so I would have been home at 3.35/3.40 and my parents made it back somewhere around 5.30. I hated it, I hated the responsibility and I was terrified, especially in winter. I was also expected to make my own packed lunch. Looking back I would say it was neglectful, why wouldn't she make my flipping lunch?

My own children, ds1 is almost 12 and in year 7 so walks to school and lets himself into the house, I make it back 10 minutes later as I have to collect ds2 in the opposite direction. I do leave ds1 for an hour at a time but no more because the occasion hasn't arisen. But I would.

I don't work, Dh can work from home so we can always have someone here if needed.

But with mobile phones and the ability to contact someone immediately for help or advice or just to talk if they were a bit afraid, I cannot see why we just don't equip the children with these skills.

You have to talk to them along the line of "what if...." and then talk them through what to do. I have 2 sons, I can't take them into the toilets with me when out and haven't done for a long time. So we talked through different scenarios and what to do. The same for leaving them alone, you don't answer the door, what food they are allowed to have in your absence, etc

It should be done on a case by case basis, one 9 year old can be far more mature than some 14 year olds.

You are right Titsalina. Also age is not the same as maturity. DD would have been fine for 10 minutes at 8 and is more than fine for 20 mins at 9. But DS (8) would not want to be home alone and whilst he wouldn't do anything silly, he is just not ready.

I have been happy to leave my DS1 and DS2 since they were at secondary school. I was also happy to leave DS1 in charge of one sibling (2 and 7 years younger) for short periods from then.

I have only just felt happy to leave DS2 in charge of DD now he is 14. DD is 9 and, TBH, I would be happy to leave her alone for a short period but don't because I would feel others would judge me.

As a single parent, some degree of sibling "baby sitting" is necessary.

I agree with poster above - if they are old enough to walk themselves to school alone then they are old enough to be left for a few hours at home on their own. So for me the cut off is secondary school age. My secondary aged dd's come home from school and are together alone for a few hours twice a week.

The case quoted of the 14 year old was, I believe, a case where the parent was cautioned for leaving a 14 year old alone for 30 mins in charge of his 3 year old brother. I believe I was babysitting for cash at that age though now I would probably not hire a 14 year old myself!

It doesn't make clear what the circumstances were, how long the children were unattended, how far away the parents were, whether they were contactable/willing/able to get back. So, say with the 14 year old, should be fine when off school while parent is at work and contactable, but if they left them for a week and jetted off abroad for a holiday then not so good.

This seems a bit ott

My eldest is 5 so I haven't really had to think about this yet, but I would be probably leaving them by around 10 years to pop local places. Ie going to get milk, they can choose to stay to join. Then gradually increasing. I would def expect them by 14 to be happy to be at home a few hours alone.

I don't think it's great children are left at home alone every day after school until 6/7pm but that's more I think it's nice an adult is there to help with homework, chat about day, rather than a safety issue

10yo dd1 is allowed to walk to the shop or wander round town with a mate for an hour without adult supervision. She walks to/from school by herself on occasion. She's left by herself at home for short periods, no more than half an hour at a time (eg school run for other children when she's ill) In Sept she will be at secondary school and will have to come home to an empty house, it will be 30mins - 1 hour before anyone else gets home. She is sensible, calm, not likely to panic etc etc and will have a phone by the time she starts Y7. She is not at risk imo.

DD2 much younger (5) obv not left by herself. She is more flighty, more likely to do something rash or dangerous, so unless she snaps out of that by the time she starts secondary I doubt I will feel as comfortable to leave her and will have to make alternative arrangements (not sure what, after school care at secondary age is non existent).

Very much depends on the child imo. I don't think you can define it in law and would hate to see a legal minimum age. Social services / police need to take a view on each individual case, which I believe is what happens now?

Reading the post directly above - dc1&2 (13 & 11) jointly babysit for their younger siblings (8&5) and have done for about 6 months.

There are various conditions attached (they only get paid if they don't squabble, we stay local {within walking distance} and wait until dc3&4 are asleep) and we didn't leave them until dc1 & 2 said they felt confident about how to act in an emergency (dc4 choked at the tea table and dc1&2 together dialled 999 while I tried to sort out dc4).

I understand why there is not a set age. My friend's 16yo daughter babysat until mine took over but actually, she just sat on the sofa and played on her laptop. Dc1 dealt with dc4 if he woke up or needed anything but she wanted the reassurance of someone else there. Until the choking thing, then she said she was happy to do it without my friend's dd as she knew she could stay calm enough to get help if needed.

Took so long to type, the post above has gone but the one about the 14yo looking after a 3yo

DS1 would have been 16 before he was left home alone for more than about 30 minutes, but that was purely due to his SN and anxiety levels. He is almost 18 now, and only been reliably able to catch a bus alone (get on the right bus, going in the right direction, ask for a ticket, get off at the right stop etc.) for about 6 months.

DS2 however is coming up to 14, has no SNs, and has been perfectly capable of being home alone for quite some time. He is also more than capable of looking after 3.8 year old DD for short periods of time (20 mins for a pop to the shop etc.).

It absolutely depends on the child. I can't see how one set age can work, or indeed, improve child welfare.

I started leaving mine for very short periods (popping to the shops) at about age 8, gradually getting longer (e.g. older one staying home rather than coming to younger one's swimming lesson) by 9 or 10. DS started 'babysitting' for his younger sister at 13, and stayed home alone overnight when he was just under 16. Similarly, DS started walking to school by himself at age 8 - a very short, safe route. DD started at 10, as her school was further away with more road crossings.

But they are both mature, sensible children not given to irresponsible or destructive behaviour, and we live in a safe area where we know and trust the neighbours. It all depends so much on individual circumstances. I would not want there to be a single age at which it is legally OK to leave a child, because it would inevitably be too old or too young for many.

I don't think there should be a law. Too many people think that just because something is legal it is a good idea. Children need to gain independence at a pace that is right for them - not go from never having been left to being alone for a weekend, because they are old enough now. Children are ready at different times. And leaving a child for 10 mins is not the same as leaving them for 10 hours. To have a legally prescribed sliding scale would take away responsibility from the person who actually knows the child best.

I had similar circumstances to TheUnwillingNarcheska, except I was the younger latchkey child in year 2 (from about age 6). My older brother (he was year 5) went to a different school, so we walked to and from school alone and saw each other at home. My parents would arrive home some time between 5:30-6pm. From when I was about 7/8 years old, it was expected that a couple of times a week I should have got dinner started or have done some ironing. This was the late 80s, if that makes any difference.

I think this is too young to be left alone and to have such responsibility. It has only been the past few years that I have realised what a worry it must have been for my older brother to be responsible for me when he couldn't even walk me to and from school.

I think that there should be a law to protect the vulnerable children who are unarguably too young too look after themselves (I am not talking about responsible 8 year olds v irresponsible 10 year olds - more about the under 5s being left alone regularly and/or for extended periods). Unfortunately, it is needed for a small minority of parents who are irresponsible.

I think some guidelines would be helpful
It clearly depends hugely on age of child and how long for.
Then a variety of other factors most people would consider such as how the child feels about it, and who they could contact if they needed support
Similarly there could be better guidelines for leaving older children in charge of younger ones, depending on the ages of all involved

I've left dd, now 15, for several hours. Which makes me surprised that action was taken for leaving a 14 yr old. I guess that one must have been for an extended period?

I think there should be some discretion left with police though to interpret whatever laws we do have on this, and indeed much responsibility left with parents to use their own discretion as hopefully they usually know their own children best

Forgot to say my school was a 10-15 min walk away, so not a particularly short walk for a lone 6 year old.

I leave my 10 and 12 year old dses at home for periods of up to an hour and more. They are very repsonsible and I see no issue with it.

Ds2 walked to school with his older brother from halfway through year 4. Hes very confident and very responsible.

I work nights at the moment so I'm always here for my dses but I do head back to bed once they are home from school so to all intents and purposes they are on their own. They know they can call on me but they don't.

At the end of the year I'll be switching to days through choice and then they will be alone for an hour plus some days depending on the shift I'm working. Thankfully dh works regular hours so will always be home at 5 excepting train problems.

I would be very angry with anyone that questioned my judgement. I like to think of myself as a responsible parent and I always put my children's needs first. Hence any I've worked godawful night shifts for the last umpteen years. Children need protecting from neglectful parenting but I do think that these days some parents border on mollycoddling their children.

I heartily agree with the posters who have pointed out that if 11 year old children can make their way across town to school on their own, surely they can spend a few hours in their own home alone.

Not letting children grow up, take responsibility, and become independent when they are ready only hurts them.

I have 2 DSs 15 and 10 (almost 11). They both go to and from school on their own (10-20 min walk). I normally work from home so am usually here, but occasionally have to go to London or a meeting which means I will get home after my DH (6pm) so they're sometimes left to their own devices after school for 2 or 3 hours. DH and I sometimes nip to the pub at the end of the road for early doors on Saturday (say 7 - 9pm) which is something we've only started doing this year - only if the older one is at home though. They both hardly notice we're gone.

I think by 10 kids should be fairly independent in terms of getting to and from school, going out to play in the park, making themselves a sandwich etc. They both have phones and I always check on where they are (well the youngest one anyway). Obviously it depends on where you live and what's around you but independence was important to me as a teenager and I want it to be important to my kids too.

I have just recently started to leave my 9 DS year old alone in the house for 20 mins or so while I drop off or pick up DD6 from her various activities.

He has also asked if we can leave him at home if we are popping to the shops ( again only for 20 mins while we go to the local shops at the top of the road)

He likes to stay home and play minecraft rather than be bored following us around.

He is asking now if he can go to the shops on his own - I'm not ready for that just yet but it won't be long I'm sure.

Next year he will be walking home from school on his own as the school actively encourage this in preparation for secondary school.

I've left ds1 aged 8, home alone for short periods (up to half an hour) when going to the shop at the end of the road, or dropping of ds2 at nursery if ds1's not been at school (20 mins there and back).

I thought the risks through, talked to ds1 about what to do in an emergency, about what he was allowed to do and not do when I wasn't there, and made the decision that it was an acceptable level of risk for me to take.

I also accept that it would be my responsibility and that I would be held to account if something dreadful happened. Like I say, I've weighed up the pros and cons and decided that it was right for our family.

I wouldn't want to see and age limit set in law. There isn't a clear cut age or circumstances when it's never ok or always ok.

I had a lovely childhood roaming the neighbourhood, home before dark etc. Both my parents played golf and from age about 7 they regularly left me home to play while they popped up the golf course for a couple of hours. I think now the nanny state has gone too far and together with increased media coverage of crime, are ruining children's childhoods. Keeping them home and constantly supervised will come home to roost in teenage behaviour and other u foreseeable ways. I think each parent knows there child and what they are capable of. The police and social services should focus on actually neglected or abused children rather than those given the opportunity to grow and learn independence at their own rate. It makes me so cross and sad I can't let my kids out to play because nobody else does.