Intensive mothers

[Xenia]

It seems pretty clear children benefit a lot if their mother has a good career and here is another piece of evidence of the damage housewives do to children:-

"Stay at home mothers are more likely to be unhappy than those who go out to work, according to new research.
Women who believe in "intensive parenting" are at risk of a range of mental illnesses including depression.

They think women are better parents than men, that mothering should be child centred and that children should be considered sacred and fulfilling.

This may put them in danger of suffering the 'parenthood paradox' where their ideology increases feelings of stress and guilt.

Psychologist Kathryn Rizzo, whose findings are published online in Springer's Journal of Child and Family Studies, said: "If intensive mothering is related to so many negative mental health outcomes, why do women do it?

"They may think that it makes them better mothers, so they are willing to sacrifice their own mental health to enhance their children's cognitive, social and emotional outcomes."
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She said parenting is a big task and requires a variety of skills and expertise. Many women rate the challenge as one of the most fulfilling experiences in life.

But some previous research has suggested it may be detrimental to mental health, with women reporting taking care of their children as more stressful than being at work.

So her team at the University of Mary Washington, Virginia, looked at whether intensive parenting in particular was linked to increased levels of stress, depression and lower life satisfaction among 181 mothers of children under five.

Using an online questionnaire, they found out to what extent the participants endorsed intensive parenting beliefs by measuring their responses to a series of statements.

These included "mothers are the most necessary and capable parent", "parents' happiness is derived primarily from their children" and "parents should always provide their children with stimulating activities that aid in their development".

Others were "parenting is more difficult than working" and "a parent should always sacrifice their needs for the needs of the child".

Overall, the women were satisfied with their lives but had moderate levels of stress and depression.

Almost one in four had symptoms of depression and these negative mental health outcomes were accounted for by their endorsement of intensive parenting attitudes.

When the level of family support was taken into account, those mothers who believed women are the essential parent were less satisfied with their lives. Those who believed that parenting is challenging were more stressed and depressed.

The researchers said overall, the women were satisfied with their lives but had moderate levels of stress and depression.

They added: "In reality, intensive parenting may have the opposite effect on children from what parents intend."

Earlier this year a study of more than 60,000 US mothers found 41 percent of those not in work experienced worry compared to 34 per cent of those employed.

And 28 per cent suffered depression, eleven per cent more than the others. Psychlogists fear the phenomenon is linked with feelings of isolation and a lack of fulfillment. "

www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/9381449/Stay-at-home-mothers-more-unhappy-than-those-who-work.html

How do part time workers fair then? I work 2 or 3 days per week and the rest of the time am devoted to my children. I feel like I have the best of both worlds and the children benefit financially from it.They also love their child care provider.

ledkr I was also wondering if part time workers would pass muster We can only hope that we meet the required standards in Xenia Land

Apologies, my post appears to assume that ledkr feels the same, not intentional. I was musing :)

Yes shakey that is a fair assumption. I have worked full time in the past but whatever the circumstances as long as your children are being cared for by the right people and are happy what is the problem? I can see benefits to being a sahm as well as a working one. I am always peed off that theses debates never mention the male roles as if we as woman are the onely ones who are responsible.

Xenia, for someone who is well educated you do have an incredibly narrow view of the world. You are very happy (and smug) about your parenting choices. How hard is it to understand that others may also be happy with their choices even although they may be different from yours?

What Noddy and SBE said.

I can honestly say it has never crossed my mind to even have an opinion on whether a mother works or not.

What anyone else does is completely irrelevant to me.

Xenia it's ok if you don't want to stay at home. It's ok if you find it boring. I promise you no one will think less of you for feeling like that.

It's a hugely important issue to women - to get them into work and off the mummy track, out of the kitchen and into the board room. As long as more of them than their husbands go part time the problems remain. My work is not yet done thus I must continue to convert women to the working feminist cause.

The personal is political.

"and into the board room"

I don't want to go into the boardroom. I like the job I already have and can think of nothing worse than being in a boardroom.

OK - Is Xenia actually just a long standing and elaborate troll designed to pit people against eachother?

Not only must mothers work, they must work in a boardroom.
Not only must children go to private school, they must go to academically selective day schools in North London.

There's no room for ambiguity here folks. Good job the boardroom has unlimited daily access to Mumsnet though!

The issue at the heart here is that in most couples the woman doesn't earn as much as the man because she does more at home. That is something that is wrong and we need to correct. She marries "up" so if one of them in a couple has to put their career down as pin money and not thrust ahead it always has to be muggins mum who usually regrets it later.

xenia How rude to presume that if I work time I am not a feminist.
I am all for womens rights actually.
My husband works his shifts around mine so that he can share childcare and housework.
I see it as my right to make my own choices with regards to work and childcare.
I choose to work part time because I have other interests that I like to persue in life and am fortunate to be able to afford not to work full time.I enjoy my job hugely but after spending the last 27 years raising a family and working full time I am now also enjoying doing some things for me as well as spending time with the younger children.
I am prone to depression and this gets worse when I work full time as I find it leaves me little time for anything else.

sorry I meant "part time"

DP earns more than me, which works very well for us, because what makes me happy is working doing what I like, and also being able to go to assemblies and sports days and collect from school and clubs. My girls are looking forward to helping me furnish my new office space, and have got a bang out of the times they've seen my lectures, and gone to my Phd ceremony. They know I'm not daft, they know what I earn helps the family run as it does, and they know I can come and collect them if they're ill at school. Works for us.

Oh Xenai you make me sad

So much anger and resentment. You must be a hoot at parties.

(did anyone else snort at "my work is not yet done"?!)

so we need a better work/life balance for all, mothers, fathers, everyone. High unemployment could be solved by more p/t work, which also supports gender equality. jobs change to suit our lives, not other way round

Pf course many SAHMs are perfectly happy with their lot and not remotely depresssed.

However, I do think it is worth stating that not all women enjoy it or thrive on it. The idea that women should love nothing better than being at home full time irks me. No one thinks men should love it, do they?

There was a recent thread about SAHMs having the hardest job in the world. And it was clear that many SAHMs spend all day, everyday running ragged. They do all the chores and all the child related activities for no thanks... yet somehow they are supposed to love this state of affairs and feel lucky to be able to do it.

Xenia, I know you really struggle with this concept but not everyone lives in North London, sends their children to top twenty private schools, employs a nanny, is unmarried and has a board room level job. And, you really are going to struggle with this one, not everyone would want that life. Really, it's true. We're all different!

me and my DH earned roughly the same until recently when he got a bit of a pay-rise. We both have jobs, neither involves a boardroom.
The majority of people we know have jobs. Most women I know work.

Presumably you've chosen to do what works best for you and your family. Good for you. Why do you feel so strongly that all women must do things the same way as you? You do know that that article, and most others like it, are bollocks don't you?

And what is intensive parenting anyway? I don't do anything intensively with DS, my friend works full time and her DS's feet don't touch the ground as he's whisked from club to club. Both boys are happy.

I read this and related very strongly to it. I put my full-on job (or 'career' I suppose) on hold for a year to do some studying and find out what it would be like to pick up the DC from school every day, attend, every event etc. I was open minded about what would happen next if I had an epiphany and realised I needed to be at home much more.

At times it has been blissful but mostly I have been dead lonely and beating myself up for being too impatient, too shouty, too disorganised and so on. I have not lived up to my image of what an SAHM should be and that makes me deeply unhappy, so I am going back to work FT for my own sake and that of the children. We are all better off in many ways when I WOH.

If you've consumed about £70,000 ++ of the state's money being educated, shouldn't you be obliged to give something back?

So do I receive a Get Out Card since I was educated in another country where we mostly paid our own way thru Uni? Or should I be compelled to return to my country of origin to repay more towards my free state education to 18? Is this a new condition of being state-educated? Presumably privately educated people don't have such morality worries about WOH or SAH.

That's assuming my parents' taxes didn't cover it all anyway (yes my parents both worked full time at professional jobs).

DH's brother is a kept man, SAH-without kids, for last ~3 yrs. I wonder what kind of "side" he's supposed to be letting down.

I have a couple of friends who work at the same level as xenia claims she does and I can honestly say we have never had this discussion! I have the capacity to earn more than dp and over the years have on and off but I CHOSE to stay at home with ds as I wanted to and enjoyed it

If you've consumed about £70,000 ++ of the state's money being educated, shouldn't you be obliged to give something back?

The solution to the parasitism of women is of course to transform the UK into Afghanistan or some such place and not educate girls at all, or only allow those who solemnly promise to work for some male dominated organisation/law firm/government department attend school.

Or maybe we could oblige people who have consumed a lot of the state's resources via the NHS to fill potholes for X number of years after they get out of hospital, or make people who drive cars on the state's expensive motorways pay back a little of the cost every time they set forth. Prisoners who have been fed and watered at Her Majesty's expense for years could surely provide some useful public service to return the investment. The perks of the Royal Family itself could be subjected to a close cost-benefit analysis while we were at it...