Intensive mothers

[Xenia]

It seems pretty clear children benefit a lot if their mother has a good career and here is another piece of evidence of the damage housewives do to children:-

"Stay at home mothers are more likely to be unhappy than those who go out to work, according to new research.
Women who believe in "intensive parenting" are at risk of a range of mental illnesses including depression.

They think women are better parents than men, that mothering should be child centred and that children should be considered sacred and fulfilling.

This may put them in danger of suffering the 'parenthood paradox' where their ideology increases feelings of stress and guilt.

Psychologist Kathryn Rizzo, whose findings are published online in Springer's Journal of Child and Family Studies, said: "If intensive mothering is related to so many negative mental health outcomes, why do women do it?

"They may think that it makes them better mothers, so they are willing to sacrifice their own mental health to enhance their children's cognitive, social and emotional outcomes."
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She said parenting is a big task and requires a variety of skills and expertise. Many women rate the challenge as one of the most fulfilling experiences in life.

But some previous research has suggested it may be detrimental to mental health, with women reporting taking care of their children as more stressful than being at work.

So her team at the University of Mary Washington, Virginia, looked at whether intensive parenting in particular was linked to increased levels of stress, depression and lower life satisfaction among 181 mothers of children under five.

Using an online questionnaire, they found out to what extent the participants endorsed intensive parenting beliefs by measuring their responses to a series of statements.

These included "mothers are the most necessary and capable parent", "parents' happiness is derived primarily from their children" and "parents should always provide their children with stimulating activities that aid in their development".

Others were "parenting is more difficult than working" and "a parent should always sacrifice their needs for the needs of the child".

Overall, the women were satisfied with their lives but had moderate levels of stress and depression.

Almost one in four had symptoms of depression and these negative mental health outcomes were accounted for by their endorsement of intensive parenting attitudes.

When the level of family support was taken into account, those mothers who believed women are the essential parent were less satisfied with their lives. Those who believed that parenting is challenging were more stressed and depressed.

The researchers said overall, the women were satisfied with their lives but had moderate levels of stress and depression.

They added: "In reality, intensive parenting may have the opposite effect on children from what parents intend."

Earlier this year a study of more than 60,000 US mothers found 41 percent of those not in work experienced worry compared to 34 per cent of those employed.

And 28 per cent suffered depression, eleven per cent more than the others. Psychlogists fear the phenomenon is linked with feelings of isolation and a lack of fulfillment. "

www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/9381449/Stay-at-home-mothers-more-unhappy-than-those-who-work.html

math I assume you have been out of the workplace for a looooong time .

Working remotely is happening everywhere. All the more so at the highly paid ends of the market. Half the time no one knows which country anyone is in, never mind if they're woring from home. You have far more flexiblility if you are at say partner level than secretarial level.

However, there is flexibility and there is flexibility. Whilst no one expects to see you in the office from 7-7, what is expected is that you can and will travel when needed, attend meetings/hearings when needed etc. None of these things will be in your total control. And it is these things that women tend to struggle with post DC.

This applies to so many industries. Certain things are beyond our control. The modern world with all its technological wonders can't sort everyhting.

Can I also assume from your denigration of building and maintaining client bases, that you're not self employed. And that you don't instruct/employ/use anyone who is.

Building and maintaining a client base is a work in flux. Or your business, whatever it may be, dies. And as has been said, it is this that women seem to not want to do post DC. This in my view certainly cannot be done remotely. Clients expect to see you. If I am a client I expect to see who I'm trusting. FB - meh.

"My ideal would be to move towards a dual working family with working hours (and family time) shared out equally between both, rather than one parent spending a disproportionate time at home and the other at work."

Income-generation and domestic work are shared ever more equitably in European families. We are living your ideal.

Does it work well Bonsoir?

I do know some couples who make it work quite nicely, but they both seem to have the sorts of jobs that lend themselves to reduced hours/working from home.

But most of the poeple I know who are successful, work long hours, often wiht a degree of unpredictability. For this reason they tend to have a partner at home.

Actually, thinking about it, it's this factor ; the unpredictability that piuts women off the most.

It's not flexibility or presenteeism, which are no longer real problems in many industries. It's the unpredictability. Th ehearing that runs too long. The business meeting abroad. The last minute change of plans as a client gets an earlier flight.

In fact, the job that demands the most presenteeism and is the least flexible is bloody parenting no?

@word you are so right. Never where the words of Robert Burns more appropriate. There has been some ganging agley with me this morning. I spent all the week before last being delighted that there was to be No More Flying till September. I ritually took my passport out of my normal bag and plonked it on the shelf above my desk in 'I won't be needing You for a while' stylee. I was very pleased because I hate traveling in July anyway so having the Olympics as an excuse to call a halt early this year has been great. Except that now I have to go to Amsterdam next week. Which isn't the worst thing, I can fly from here I don't have to go to London, I love the hotel, it's not going to be the worst trip ever.....but it means DH will be home with the two younger kids, no school, no me and no DD1 (who will be on a week's residential with a national youth ensemble). Which isn't ideal. But nothing can be done. This was arranged last night, so exactly one week's notice.

Of course if I die at the dentist in an hour all bets will be off.

wordfactory - I agree entirely that at the top end of the income/stress/responsibility/status scale that it is difficult to combine two careers with DC. But, as a whole, European societies are moving to a much more equitable sharing of responsibilities between both partners in a couple - societal trends are fairly long term things as it takes a hell of a lot of reorganising of institutions and structures to support the momentous change that is the removal of all that free female labour from society.

I am not personally convinced that there is any kind of ideal scenario where everyone is contented with their lot, however! It is human nature to want to improve one's life all the time.

But in fact, you don't have to (and shouldn't) take into account the ideas of others if they are idiotic or wrong.

I find it offensive that Xenia thinks that SAHMs damage their children by staying at home.
Yes,she may know personally where there have been instances of that.She implies that children have been damaged,and again she may know personally of instances of that.Actually Xenia,I would like you to put a figure on that.How many people personally do you know who have damaged their children in this way? I suspect the answer is 1.
But because she primarily lives in a world of what she perceives as high status,and only gets glimpses of peoples lives in the other 90% of the population,her view of Great Britain is warped.

Well amillion why don't you take your offence and imagine that is how WOHMs feel all the time.

Because frankly, apart from xenia I've never heard anyone else say this about SAHM. And yet, this stuff comes up about WOHMs every day of the week. In fact I've seen som eof the posters on this thread say it about WOHMs. I've seen in as a constant in the press. And I've heard people say in in RL.

@word word

It's wrong to say it about WOHMs too. Just because some people still do it doesn't mean it's okay to sling shit at SAHMs for making a different choice.

Metabilis how was the dentist? :) Are you a Friends fan? Your post reminded me of an episode where Phoebe was convinced that someone died every time she went to the dentist. :o

But cheerful apart from xenia does anyone do that?

Is it really an issue for SAHMs?

And frankly, does anyone really think xenia even means it?

That scenario seems to me, to be nothing like what WOHMS have to put with.

Well. The abscess BURST this morning before I got there. Much pus. And for a while I felt much better (despite throwing up) because it wasn't hurting hardly at all. But DH still made me go to the dentist. And the abscess is now reflating (could that be the correct term?) anyway - antibiotics, and see how it goes. That bit of gum is cursed, I've had about 5 abscesses in 5 years, 2 root canal treatments ......and nothing works. The pain is kind of a low 3 (out of 5) at the moment. I have held off on the nurofen but will probably weaken in a minute.

The dentist is a perfectly nice man but nevertheless I do not like him, and all his evil works and all his empty promises. :(

Xenia is far from alone on MN in thinking that SAHMs spend all day eating bonbons while their brains shrivel up.

But we were talking about whether it damages DC.

Sure some folk may well find it dull to SAH. But damaging? I don't think I've ever heard anyone apart from xenia either here on MN, in the pres or in RL, say that. Yet I've herad it chucked at WOHMs as a constant.

I've gotten flak before, yes. Certainly. "Oh but I thought you were clever ...", "Oh...that's...nice, but I could never do it, wipe noses all day!" That sort of thing. (And at this point I only have one child, how many noses do people think he has )

I'm sorry WOHMs get shit. It's not fair and I would never do it. But why tell SAHMs they're damaging their kids? To even the score somehow? Why waste time on that instead of figuring out ways that we can support each other and make things better for all parents and their children?

Metabilis sounds awful. :(

Sorry.

@word these recent threads - and the radio 4 item- have really made me think carefully about the narratives we are being fed and the narratives we reinforce. From now on every single time I hear a SAHM tell someone, male or female, adult or child, that it's always better for children for their mothers to stay at home, or that fathers are not such good care givers as mothers, or that you can only breastfeed if you don't work, then I will challenge it because it's clear from the radio 4 piece that damage is being done to all of us by flawed agenda ridden narratives. Staying at home is a perfectly valid choice but it's got nothing to do with necessity (unless a parent can't afford to work) and everything to do with preference (unless it's an affordability thing).

Also, if more girls are made aware that their choices as mothers will be severely limited if they aren't in a position to earn enough to afford childcare, that is an important thing for them to know, too. And while (some) SAHMs in that position pretend that it's all because its best for their child or because they really want a life at home and gloss over the fact that actually it's not a choice because they have no choice, this important cautionary knowledge will continue to be concealed.

I don't know why she does it cheerful.

To make a point through hyperbole. To raise a laugh. To be contrary. To do all of the above...

word,if Xenia doesnt mean it,in your personal opinion,why does Xenia say it?
And no,cant say it is much of an issue for SAHM.Have to say it is becoming more trendy to stay at home..personally didnt even know SAHM is seen as low status.Or again, is that Xenia and Metabilis3 only.
I get that WOHMs feel it.Didnt realise they hear it so often.It then comes down to personal choice what they do about it.My personal belief is that nothing much is going to change in the next 20 years.

@cheerful it isn't great but I will survive. Thanks.