Intensive mothers

[Xenia]

It seems pretty clear children benefit a lot if their mother has a good career and here is another piece of evidence of the damage housewives do to children:-

"Stay at home mothers are more likely to be unhappy than those who go out to work, according to new research.
Women who believe in "intensive parenting" are at risk of a range of mental illnesses including depression.

They think women are better parents than men, that mothering should be child centred and that children should be considered sacred and fulfilling.

This may put them in danger of suffering the 'parenthood paradox' where their ideology increases feelings of stress and guilt.

Psychologist Kathryn Rizzo, whose findings are published online in Springer's Journal of Child and Family Studies, said: "If intensive mothering is related to so many negative mental health outcomes, why do women do it?

"They may think that it makes them better mothers, so they are willing to sacrifice their own mental health to enhance their children's cognitive, social and emotional outcomes."
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She said parenting is a big task and requires a variety of skills and expertise. Many women rate the challenge as one of the most fulfilling experiences in life.

But some previous research has suggested it may be detrimental to mental health, with women reporting taking care of their children as more stressful than being at work.

So her team at the University of Mary Washington, Virginia, looked at whether intensive parenting in particular was linked to increased levels of stress, depression and lower life satisfaction among 181 mothers of children under five.

Using an online questionnaire, they found out to what extent the participants endorsed intensive parenting beliefs by measuring their responses to a series of statements.

These included "mothers are the most necessary and capable parent", "parents' happiness is derived primarily from their children" and "parents should always provide their children with stimulating activities that aid in their development".

Others were "parenting is more difficult than working" and "a parent should always sacrifice their needs for the needs of the child".

Overall, the women were satisfied with their lives but had moderate levels of stress and depression.

Almost one in four had symptoms of depression and these negative mental health outcomes were accounted for by their endorsement of intensive parenting attitudes.

When the level of family support was taken into account, those mothers who believed women are the essential parent were less satisfied with their lives. Those who believed that parenting is challenging were more stressed and depressed.

The researchers said overall, the women were satisfied with their lives but had moderate levels of stress and depression.

They added: "In reality, intensive parenting may have the opposite effect on children from what parents intend."

Earlier this year a study of more than 60,000 US mothers found 41 percent of those not in work experienced worry compared to 34 per cent of those employed.

And 28 per cent suffered depression, eleven per cent more than the others. Psychlogists fear the phenomenon is linked with feelings of isolation and a lack of fulfillment. "

www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/9381449/Stay-at-home-mothers-more-unhappy-than-those-who-work.html

Perhaps men were forced onto the threadmill because they were giving their lovely SAHM wives the chance to make happy memories with their children.

If both partners share the paid work load equally, both will have the opportunity of a more balanced work and family life without those 'regrets' (spare me) on their death bed.

No I don't think it's exclusive for either. But for us the bills are paid, we have food in our bellies. We don't need luxury holidays etc, we would prefer to have lower income but a parent home. I didn't mean
For it to come across as I thought it was exclusive.

What is important is freedom of choice.

Sorry where the hell have I said only mothers do not misquote me

"Spare me"?

How incredibly arrogant your post sounds!

blueahoes my husbands job is not one he could do part time and neither does he wish to. He leave early and is home on e to have dinner with kids, enjoy bath time and bedtime with them, reads to ds2 while I feed dd and we cuddle up as they go to sleep. Then he spends time with ds1. Rs also a scout leader and helps with rugby. So I am pretty sure the dc can see how involved their daddy is. Why make assumptions?

'Perhaps men were forced onto the threadmill because they were giving their lovely SAHM wives the chance to make happy memories with their children.'

No, if that had been the case, then they would not have regretted it. They would have derived comfort from their choice.

I've looked after patients on psychiatric wards who have worked themselves to I'll health. But then I've also cared for those who have had no career and are in the lowest financial state. It really is relevant. What is, is that one should be able to make their choices on how they live without prejudice and ridicule.

'Spare me' is a response to the utter platitude that people on their dying day would never say I wish I spent more time at work.

The number of times I have heard that makes me want to roll my eyeballs. It is hardly original. I do apologise if this is the first time you have heard of this sort of 'regret'. In which case, carry on.

How about on my deathbed I am so grateful for the privilege of a lovely family and a productive work life both of which gave me such joy and an all encompassing sense of achievement in life. I don't expect to die unfulfilled. Do you?

Nope. I feel very fulfilled

If SAHMs partners get to spend enough time with their dcs so they don't have to 'regret' spending so much time at work on their deathbed, is there any reason why WOHMs will have regrets either?

If so, it is illogical to bring up the 'regrets' of men on their deathbed as some kind of warning to working outside the home. It is not inevitable that a person will regret their time spent at work, or even likely, unless someone or circumstances put a gun to their head.

Haven't read the whole thread.

I love love love my very fulfilling but very part time job.

I would be depressed if I was a full time SAHM

I would also be profoundly depressed if I had to work full-time. In fact I've just done it (temporary contract) for 5 weeks and it's nearly unhinged me. So glad to be back to p/t.

I get what the article is about, I just don't get why Xenia needs to keep rabbiting on about the importance of all mothers putting in 50 hours a week at the office.

You are overextrapolating now.

My last post was to Back2Two

It depends on what your work is, surely blueshoes. I can't imagine that on my deathbed I will look back and think I made a fuck of a lot of money, so therefore my life's work has been immensely fulfilling. It depends on what you class as fulfilling. My job involves wildlife research and I don't make much money. A lot of people would think it was pointless. I find it immensely fulfilling and on my deathbed I hope that I have made a difference. I can't imagine feeling that way if I was working in a big firm of well paid accountants, for example.

I believe all my last thoughts will be about the people that I love - my children in particular, and how grateful I am for each moment I have spent with them. I'll never regret a minute of it.

I dont think that is what the original article says Back .
SAHM are more likely to suffer mental health issues such as depression
Through lack of choice some women end up SAH when they are more suited or wish to WOH . They may become isolated and lonely and have lower incomes and therefore fewer choices in life. The key here is lack of choice .

This does not mean all SAHM are depressed - if you have chosen this way of living and I mean really chosen rather than being forced by circumstances out of your control then you will be happy and content.

The issue is that many women cant make choices based on their preferences but based on things out of their control - unsupportive partners,long unflexible working hours,expensive childcare or conversely they cant afford to SAH when they would like to.

I hope this comes across as being supportive of all women - what they enjoy or want out of their lives is totally down to them. Ive enjoyed both roles.

Xenia - if you really want to influence the choices women make in a positive way, why do you come out with statements that are complete crap & why do you do your best to wind people up? Why not empower women instead of belittling them?

I will have done more than any housewife on the thread if you add up 5 children over nearly 28 years weekends, evenings, holidays. I have more childcare hours notched up than any other mumsnetter despite working full time I suspect

There's no way on gods little green earth that you have done more childcare hours than any other mumsnetter. Do you think you are the only mother of 5 children? You aren't. There are mothers with 5 children who are at home with them, there are mothers with more than 5 children - there are mothers with fewer than 5 children who do far more childcare than you do.

Why do you even feel the need to try to claim that 'title'?

Ariel, well that's the whole point. What people class as fulfilling is different. I work in a firm of extremely well paid lawyers. I would count my work to be interesting and challenging. The partners at my firm work much much harder than I do but I won't presume that even they with their dying breath would wish they worked less.

There is nothing inherently unworthy about work that it could not be as fulfilling as a family life.

blueshoes And nothing that says family life could not be as fulfilling as work life either, so why argue?

Of course mama. That goes without saying.

I am addressing the popular presumption that work is something you grit your teeth and do and that people would automatically give it up if they had a chance. When actually, there are so many interesting and engaging jobs out there which not only contribute to personal fulfilment but also in some cases to the greater good of society.

A great work life does not preclude a happy family life. Men seem to manage.