Intensive mothers

[Xenia]

It seems pretty clear children benefit a lot if their mother has a good career and here is another piece of evidence of the damage housewives do to children:-

"Stay at home mothers are more likely to be unhappy than those who go out to work, according to new research.
Women who believe in "intensive parenting" are at risk of a range of mental illnesses including depression.

They think women are better parents than men, that mothering should be child centred and that children should be considered sacred and fulfilling.

This may put them in danger of suffering the 'parenthood paradox' where their ideology increases feelings of stress and guilt.

Psychologist Kathryn Rizzo, whose findings are published online in Springer's Journal of Child and Family Studies, said: "If intensive mothering is related to so many negative mental health outcomes, why do women do it?

"They may think that it makes them better mothers, so they are willing to sacrifice their own mental health to enhance their children's cognitive, social and emotional outcomes."
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She said parenting is a big task and requires a variety of skills and expertise. Many women rate the challenge as one of the most fulfilling experiences in life.

But some previous research has suggested it may be detrimental to mental health, with women reporting taking care of their children as more stressful than being at work.

So her team at the University of Mary Washington, Virginia, looked at whether intensive parenting in particular was linked to increased levels of stress, depression and lower life satisfaction among 181 mothers of children under five.

Using an online questionnaire, they found out to what extent the participants endorsed intensive parenting beliefs by measuring their responses to a series of statements.

These included "mothers are the most necessary and capable parent", "parents' happiness is derived primarily from their children" and "parents should always provide their children with stimulating activities that aid in their development".

Others were "parenting is more difficult than working" and "a parent should always sacrifice their needs for the needs of the child".

Overall, the women were satisfied with their lives but had moderate levels of stress and depression.

Almost one in four had symptoms of depression and these negative mental health outcomes were accounted for by their endorsement of intensive parenting attitudes.

When the level of family support was taken into account, those mothers who believed women are the essential parent were less satisfied with their lives. Those who believed that parenting is challenging were more stressed and depressed.

The researchers said overall, the women were satisfied with their lives but had moderate levels of stress and depression.

They added: "In reality, intensive parenting may have the opposite effect on children from what parents intend."

Earlier this year a study of more than 60,000 US mothers found 41 percent of those not in work experienced worry compared to 34 per cent of those employed.

And 28 per cent suffered depression, eleven per cent more than the others. Psychlogists fear the phenomenon is linked with feelings of isolation and a lack of fulfillment. "

www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/9381449/Stay-at-home-mothers-more-unhappy-than-those-who-work.html

I have not said I think less of people who are in low paid jobs. I have said they do work lots of people can do and therefore the pay is low and that many people find those jobs boring but they are not people I go rouhnd sneering at. of course not. However the reality is that far too many women take on dross jobs or no jobs whilst their ghusbands earn so we perpetuate the stereotype of women there to serve for very little pay and men earning teh big bucks. Every housewife therefore is continuing that pattern and damaging others.

I have done more childcare in terms of hours than anyone on the thread probably as I am in year 28 as a parent of quite a lot of children. I have said a few hours a day is just perfect for time with children which is something most men and many women achieve as a really good balance. Most women and men even if they don't work if they are rich enough to afford help tend to pick those tasks they like and that will vary. Mostly it will be less cleaning and more chatting to children and then it tends to reflects their own interests so in our house it might be debating stuff or playing music together but other families it might be football or whatever the family likes and parent.

Women are aiming far too low compared to men although I am full of hope. Women under 26 earn more than men. Women do better than men at 11+, at GCSE, at A levels and more graduate than men and in most of the professions women number about 60% at entry point. We just have to ensure they don't drop out before they rise to the top.

The other issue is sexist lazy men. Even if the man only earns £25k and has a housewife he should be doing his bit at home on a fair basis so the hours both "work" are fair and that still does not happen in many marriages - see many other mumsnet threads and seems in some cases almost to be enabled by the woman and if not enabled tolerated in a way that should not happen.

You are not the only intensive parent on these boards though. And given the age of your kids it's really quite disturbing. My parents were dead by the time I left university. Thank god they brought me up to be able to look after myself. Otherwise I'd have been stuffed, wouldn't I? If there is one thing a parent definitely should not be doing its completing a PhD application for their child. How can someone who can't even take responsibility for that, possibly go ahead and do independent original research?

The tone of your posts implies you don't think much of those who choose work in low paid jobs . Some women who take these jobs of low status prefer them for convenience (for example, the hours are flexible).

Back2two, of course being a WOHM does not my husband having an affair. But it does mean I have means of supporting my dcs and leaving a bad marriage. Because I am not financially dependent, I am not trapped in a bad marriage.

Also, if men end up having affairs, it is often with people they meet at work. There is a spark of attraction with a person that speaks the same language without the drudge of a family life. I think having too polarised a role in a marriage makes a man particularly vulnerable to this attraction. But what do I know.

'Math, what is wrong with opting out of bedtime, coming from a man or a woman? One of the joys of a dual working family is that these tasks are shared out.'

There is nothing wrong with opting out of bedtime.
What is wrong is sneering at women (or men) who choose to do bedtime, or accepting that they have some sort of skill in dealing with tired children that makes it go more smoothly, and embracing the bedtime role as theirs -- purely it seems because bedtime or dealing with children as your exclusive role (whether you are a man or a woman) is seen by her as a contemptible occupation and a contempt-worthy choice, a less than full life.

If parents have come to the decision that each of them has a role, even if that means one person does one thing exclusively, and if that allocation of roles works for a particular family, what makes that less desirable than Xenia's optimal 50:50? Does the joy of task sharing have to involve going 50:50 on every task? Or can there be division of labour?

Are we allowed to do our own thing, going with whatever floats our own boats here? According to Xenia, the answer is a resounding no. If you wipe a little bum umpteen times a day and don't get paid for it you are an eejit. If you do it and get paid for it you are a little better but still letting women down.

Xenia, you have swallowed the capitalist creed hook, line and sinker, to the extent that you do in fact look down your nose on employed women who have 'low status' jobs -- despite your contradictory protestations above. The word dross is a sort of give away. There are many other words you have used on this thread alone that reveal your contempt.

Of course, it is not pleasant to think you are sneering at other women, so it is necessary to deny it and hide behind statements of so-called fact, for example 'However the reality is ...'

Metabilis3,DS has already done some research.
And his employers and supervisors have been very happy with it.

Hear hear math!

"SAHMs have been educated sometimes you know and did have a life before children."

Very true. I get the impression from this thread that some posters think SAHMs have done nothing else in their lives. Some of us have been to uni before having children, we've worked pre DC you know! It's not all about just giving yourself up to breed, marry and slave away at the stove (change the order to suit yourself) for years and years, some feel we are doing. It's a life choice being a SAHM for many.

Perhaps we are the ones that should feel superior lovechoc!

disclaimer,I dont feel superior.

Why does blueshoes feel the need to repeat what xenia says or paraphrase continually. Firstly we can read, and you redressing it doesn't make it taste any better. It's still bitter. Please can you accept that some very educated people are very happy staying home with the children and caring for them. I know this is hard to accept, and it is having to be explained in umpteen ways. We have freedom of choice and therefore do not need berating from xenia or her shoes minion for them

And well said math

I don't think I'm superior either amillionyears. Infact, no one is. We all have a role to play and some of us choose raising the children at home for a short time in our lives, other choose/need work, some want/need a combination a various stages in their lives. It's a not a competition!!

Not everyone is driven by money, about getting as many pennies in the bank until their dying day. Once you are dead, what use is all that money you earned over the years, squirrelling it away? Means nothing to you personally. Your family may get use out of it then doss around, saves them having to go out and work if they can spend Mum's hard earned cash. Once you're dead, you'll never know how that money's being spent by your offspring

lovechoc, it is not about money. Though it is a great byproduct. It is about women finding as much enjoyment in interesting jobs and having a lovely balance between work and family life that men have always enjoyed without reproach.

By going for a high paying job, it is often more intellectually challenging and you work with highly intelligent colleagues, plus the pay is good so you can buy in quality childcare and domestic help. The dynamics of interaction with your partner is also different. Your dcs get the role model of a woman and a man with both a work persona and as well as their parent.

I would want my dcs (and dd in particular) to aim for that and to enjoy what I experience, even if she decides it is not for her. But if she opted for that low paying job from the outset, well she is stuffed basically.

Goodness this is becoming very childish !

I wont look back and think about all the money Ive earned- Ill think about a life well lived and the fact that Ive made a difference to the lives of lots of people .
I will also hopefully look at my DC with pride - something Im sure all parents hope for.

Who is to say SAHP have opted for "low paid" work from the outset. And even if they have what makes that a bad thing if it's what they want? Not every profession pays well in money.

I am my childrens quality childcare.

I am certainly not quality domestic help!

actually am thinking I may hide this thread as well now.
This me feeling superior stuff ,is making me feel uneasy.

my first comment wasnt in reference to your comments blue

MrsB precisely. But to each their own and this is my life and I hope what I'll leave my dc is happy, content childhood memories and that my grandchildren will benefit from loving patents who are not motivated by financial gain but by the wealth that comes from a loving and happy home.

Im sure my Dc will have happy content memories also Mama - in fact happy and content memories of both their parents as that is the set up I had when my DC were little -50/50 .

I honestly dont know any parents who are motivated by financial gain but by the need to pay the mortgage ,bills etc and they if enjoy their work even better .
I dont think that a loving and happy home and WOH are mutually exclusive btw !

It is about women finding as much enjoyment in interesting jobs and having a lovely balance between work and family life that men have always enjoyed without reproach.

A huge number of men hate their jobs. They wish they could spend more time with their families.