Intensive mothers

[Xenia]

It seems pretty clear children benefit a lot if their mother has a good career and here is another piece of evidence of the damage housewives do to children:-

"Stay at home mothers are more likely to be unhappy than those who go out to work, according to new research.
Women who believe in "intensive parenting" are at risk of a range of mental illnesses including depression.

They think women are better parents than men, that mothering should be child centred and that children should be considered sacred and fulfilling.

This may put them in danger of suffering the 'parenthood paradox' where their ideology increases feelings of stress and guilt.

Psychologist Kathryn Rizzo, whose findings are published online in Springer's Journal of Child and Family Studies, said: "If intensive mothering is related to so many negative mental health outcomes, why do women do it?

"They may think that it makes them better mothers, so they are willing to sacrifice their own mental health to enhance their children's cognitive, social and emotional outcomes."
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She said parenting is a big task and requires a variety of skills and expertise. Many women rate the challenge as one of the most fulfilling experiences in life.

But some previous research has suggested it may be detrimental to mental health, with women reporting taking care of their children as more stressful than being at work.

So her team at the University of Mary Washington, Virginia, looked at whether intensive parenting in particular was linked to increased levels of stress, depression and lower life satisfaction among 181 mothers of children under five.

Using an online questionnaire, they found out to what extent the participants endorsed intensive parenting beliefs by measuring their responses to a series of statements.

These included "mothers are the most necessary and capable parent", "parents' happiness is derived primarily from their children" and "parents should always provide their children with stimulating activities that aid in their development".

Others were "parenting is more difficult than working" and "a parent should always sacrifice their needs for the needs of the child".

Overall, the women were satisfied with their lives but had moderate levels of stress and depression.

Almost one in four had symptoms of depression and these negative mental health outcomes were accounted for by their endorsement of intensive parenting attitudes.

When the level of family support was taken into account, those mothers who believed women are the essential parent were less satisfied with their lives. Those who believed that parenting is challenging were more stressed and depressed.

The researchers said overall, the women were satisfied with their lives but had moderate levels of stress and depression.

They added: "In reality, intensive parenting may have the opposite effect on children from what parents intend."

Earlier this year a study of more than 60,000 US mothers found 41 percent of those not in work experienced worry compared to 34 per cent of those employed.

And 28 per cent suffered depression, eleven per cent more than the others. Psychlogists fear the phenomenon is linked with feelings of isolation and a lack of fulfillment. "

www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/9381449/Stay-at-home-mothers-more-unhappy-than-those-who-work.html

My my, all this carping and personal digs at Xenia based on information about her dragged from other threads. Methinks Xenia continues to well and truly press some of the SAHMs' buttons ...

It is quite ironic that this exact opinion of feeling unfulfilled and coupled with anxiety around financial worry and finding parenting stressful was articulated to me today by one of my single mothers . Loss of self-esteem and identity being the primary reason.

It's not all about getting somewhere, it's about being somewhere; it's about the present rather than the future.

Sums it up perfectly Claig.

If someone who could be identified as a man came on MN and spoke of women the way Xenia does, he would be hounded from the forum. Methinks Xenia gets to say the things she does about women just because she is a woman and because it is somehow acceptable for women to tear each other down using terms that express utter and complete disparagement whereas when men do it it is not acceptable. There is a certain irony in Xenia being lumped with the female unwashed here...

I love that claig - it does sum it up perfectly. I am somewhere, I am enjoying the journey and the destination is not that important, there are all sorts of possibilities of where I might end up - I could change direction tomorrow if I felt like it.
Xenia defines herself by her paid employment because any thing else scares her. She maybe worries about what is left if she takes it away and she has to meet people as Xenia and not Xenia the................ She is threatened by a woman who likes spending a day with toddlers and so has to imagine that they have half a brain, are subservient to a man and spend their day doing housework . She is going to work forever so that she is always Xenia the .............

Xenia is about status.
having a nanny to her equals status
children in private school. definitely status
buying an island . status
outearning her husband x10 as she regularly tells us. status
I used to wonder why she calles herself Xenia.Then I realised she is practically the only 1 on MN with a name beginning with X. status
constant mentioning of breastfeeding. May need help with that one,but has to be status too in some way?
And finally,constantly trying to beat men. has to keep on about is because maybe she feels she hasnt got the status yet?

If you take it away is she happy with the person underneath? I don't have any of it but am quite secure without - I think this is what needles her and makes her have to put someone down if they want to look after their own children because they enjoy it, use state education wouldn't buy an island if they could afford it, earn less than their husband and want to be quietly anonymous- she doesn't understand it (however much you explain) and will go over exactly the same ground next week, next month and next year.

I dont know exotic.
I think what she does is sort of adapt.
So if eg she lost a finger,she wouldnt go round saying "oh woe is me".
She would say "look what I can do with only 4 fingers."And basically say,and think"I am better than you because I can do a b and c with only 4 fingers ,whereas you have to use 5". status.

True - but I would admire that- and she would say to someone else 'don't moan - I manage it perfectly well, so can you'!

The great qualities of a human being are not measured by success or fancy rolex watches, but by simple things like kindness. In that sense, a pauper can be greater than a prince., and the people who are born into status don't spend their lives working like a bee, trying to get further than everyone else, they often help other people by working for charity.

Scrooge had money and worked hard, but not much of a good word was spoken of him by others.

ooh,claig,dont mention charity to her
she says rich people always contribute more to charity than poor people. status
I also forgot 1 earlier.repeatedly mentioning going back to work after 2 weeks. status.

I never got anywhere when I asked her what she, personally, was doing for women in undeveloped countries.

'I certainl think housewives need to think of their feminism like their carbon footprint. If you stay home as a housewife you need to "buy" extra feminist credits by promoting working women, ensuring your daughters are as likely as ons to work, tell them how bored many women are at home, see if they are checking to marry a man who might stay home if the wife wants it etc etc. That way you can balance out the damage done by staying at home.'

It's not Xenia's fault. I think she has just been taken in by the system's propaganda to create worker bees. She actually believes in the "carbon footprint" and believes that being a parent at home is doing damage, or probably being unemployed at home is doing damage.

"I think Xenia may be slightly jealous of SAHMs; maybe getting there ain't really all that."

Yes, I mentioned something similar earlier on the thread and got bashed for that type of comment...

The irony is she may actually be working for the Man, the system that wants worker bees.

She is just one big contradiction, that's my opinion anyway. Spending so much time telling other women they should be x y and z but really, underneath, she's secretly intrigued by others lives, wanting a slice of that pie...

Listen to you all on a Saturday morning, slaggiung off a stranger on t'internet.

Nodding and patting one another onb the backs, agreeing about how awful that xenia is. How she must be jealous.

Sometimes when someone is working for the Man and knows it and secretly questions if it is worth it, they resent others not doing so also. Why shouldn't they too make sacrifices to work for the Man. But not everybody wants to. People are different and choose all different paths. Hippies who drop out and live in communes are searching for their way and doing what they feel is right. There is no wrong or right way, just each individual's way. But for teh Man there is only one way - work, work, work, anything else is just shirk, shirk, shirk.

wordfactory,she is not awful.
It is that her belief system is actually based on her status.
She perceives that SAHM are actually of a higher status than WOHM,and that is why she keeps on about it.
And she perceives that men are of a higher status than her and that is why she carries on about that.

If she herself was,for instance,a SAHM,she would then argue in favour of that.

I have never said that Xenia is awful! I have lots of admiration for her-she is certainly an achiever.
I am just not going to sit by and let her get away with claptrap.
I really don't know why you have put yourself as defender word-she is quite secure in her views and one of the things that I admire most is that she is always polite. If she was content to be a role model I would think she could do far more good than she does trying to knock in what 'all women should do' with a sledge hammer! Some of us don't like being told what we 'should do'-it makes me want to do the very opposite!

I don't accept that men have higher status or that it is better to be Head of BP than a librarian-it is only better if the librarian wants to be Head of BP which I doubt.

Agree entirely, exoticfruits. Not everybody is interested in climbing the greasy pole to higher status. That doesn't interest everyone. Life's too short.

@word absolutely. It's hilarious. Have you noticed how they are all psychic, too?

@word it's also funny how they make her argument for her through their lack of reading comprehension. But there you go I'm sure one of them will come along and tell us how she could read and comprehend adequately if she wanted to in a minute.