Women 'blamed' for being raped

[monkeytrousers]

here

We really need to reeducate ourselves about this I think. Only a few days ago a poster on another thread was trying to say that acquaintance rape wasn't as bad as stranger rape. It's this kind of ignorance we really need to challenge.

rape is not about sex it's about power and control

Following on from something Flamesparrow said earlier about 2 types of rape, I want to ask a question.

There are two types of killing someone - Manslaughter and Murder, one is premeditated. Is this not the case with rape?

There will always be that sick individual that rapes, plans it prior to the event etc.

Is there also the type of guy that goes to a club, gets pissed, meets a girl who is also pissed, wants sex, so goes for it. Both of them are not in total control of their brains (alcohol/drugs whatever). She says she was raped - and I believe her tbh, BUT is this different?

Personally I do think there are differences in scenarios, I went through teh 2nd, and it was defineatly IN MY MIND against my will. However I put myself in a STUPID position, getting drunk and going home with a stranger. I did say no, I meant no, but he was stronger than me, In his mind I was just playing games a bit. In mine he raped me. I didn't go to the police, I didn't tell my friends, I did tell him afterwards and he just laughed.

In some ways I do think women need to think about the consecuences of their actions. I am not daft enough to go out, get blinding drunk and not plan hwo I'm getting home, I have to take SOME personal responsibility for it. I am not in ANY way saying women are asking for it, but I am saying some people are niave, and put themselves in REALLY STUPID situations, where they should take a bit more personal responsibility.

I also think it is MAD to leave a mobile in full view, or to hang my handbag over the back of my chair. Everyone HAS to take a certain level of PERSONAL responsibility, or they should take a small % of the blame

My mistake Zippy, I don't know the exact stats but aquittal, or dismissal is what I meant. Where else would the myth come from?

And I'm disputing that rape is about power, but how can it not also be about sex?

It was only about 100 years ago that rape was a rite of passage for most women and in that case, for men also. Women were possessions and men took possession of them.

The distinction between murder and manslaughter isn't to do with premeditation, it is to do with intention, which is different. To be convicted of murder you have to have intended either to kill the person or to seriously injure them. But you can form that intention in a split second, iyswim.

..not disputing, I mean

There is also the mild mannered man you know and trust who uses sex and mind games to deliberately help himself feel tough and manly because he's a weak man in real (non-sexual) life...

cowards in my opinion...

Bet he wouldn't have laughed if you'd gone to the police.

But otoh, you wouldn't have got a conviction either, and would have been slandered as a woman who "cried rape" among all your friends and acquaintances as presumably he's a normal bloke.

No win situation, that.

Agree with Caligula - he wouldn't have been convicted because it sounds like he believed that you were consenting - and that's all a rapist has to show in order to be acquitted.

Irrespective of how unreasonable that belief is. Have they now changed it so that it's got to be that the belief has to be considered one a reasonable person might have? I remember it being discussed.

I don't think so, Caligula. Don't think that change ever got passed.

I remember that too. So inebriation was to be considered in no fit state to consent.

Just a question: what does anyone think, is being married to someone and going to bed with them every night to be classed as automatically "consenting" without doing any flirting??

100 years ago we lit our homes with candles, and periods were "unclean" - times change!

I feel that rape can be about both sex and power, but that it doesn't have to be, in the same way that theft can be about wanting the item (either for itself or selling it), but it can also be just for the thrill of stealing.

No - rape is rape whether you normally say yes to them or not. I could have sex with my husband every night for 5 years, but if I say I don't want to, and he still does it, then it is rape.

I've changed my name on here and am literally shaking as I type this - I want to do something about my husband but don't know how

A woman's fertility is still the most precious thing she possesses and men have and will eternally want access to it. Consciously or not.

SW - if you feel you are being abused by your husband, then tell someone. If nothing else, your local phone directory will have numbers for social services who will be able to put you in contact with people to help you.

sw - it sounds as if you need to start a new thread to talk about this and hopefully start getting some support. But rest assured what he is doing is bang out of order. It is rape. You need help.

thanks for your comments flamesparrow and dinosaur

This thread's title is "women blamed for being raped" and it is how I feel, that's why I posted. DH wants me to put up more of a fight and say no sometimes but if i do it doesn't stop him anyway, because it never gets me anywhere I've resorted to saying nothing and choosing not to defend myself - I think that means I'm to blame

for you submissivewife

To me that sounds more like you have been systematically worn down to submission, rather than being to blame iyswim? Sounds like he enjoys the feeling of power if you do say no

Your body is yours alone - no-one has a right to use it.

Sweetheart, you are not to blame. Absolutely not. But you need to get help. What ages are your children - are they still very young?

Sorry, I was feeding DS.

SW, you are not to blame for anything!

This is a shocking report; I'm finding it quite hard to believe that these attitudes are still prevalent.

SubmissiveWife, the law was changed (still relatively recently) to add marital rape to the statute book. If your husband is forcing you, he is committing a crime.

I feel for you and really hope you can get yourself out of this situation.

Exactly it would have been laughed out of court - if it had even got to that stage. That is the problem tbh, if a man only has to prove he thought the women was consenting. This is why such a TINY proportion of rapes get reported and why such a tiny proportion go to court and why so few are proven. You are only going to get a conviction if you are bound and gagged tbh. Women know this, and therefore don't do anything.

Is this our fault? I don't know. Is it the fault of the courts, maybe. But you still need 12 men and women who believe BEYOND REASONABLE DOUBT that the man is guilty.

That is why I feel there could be a case for a different form of rape. I am not sure, but rape like mine, which was no 'violent' it didn't really hurt, is very very different than rape by a stranger.