Stay at home Mums - Money

[sahmhe]

I’m a sahm and have been since our child was born. She is now 10 and is Home Educated.

I just wondered if anyone in similar position receives any money for themselves. I get bill money but doesn’t leave much for anything else. I just hate asking for extra money to get a haircut or a few clothes.

What an odd post. I was a SAHM for a decade and it was bloody awesome. I've not been adversely affected at all in any way 😄

OP that is financial abuse. Are you married? If not you are very vulnerable. Even if you are you're still vulnerable.

Presumably, if she has access to the money, she would be able to see this though?

I have been a SAHM since my DC were born. They are now in the late teens/20s.
We had a joint account. We discussed big purchases and investing.
I never had to ask for things eg haircut. DH pointed out that although as a cost per visit my haircut is more expensive than his, he goes more often than me so his work out more over all.
I think it’s important for SAHM (unless they have a gambling problem or are otherwise reckless with money) to have a joint account with their DH/DP and all moneys that come into the marriage are discussed and open.
Anything less is unfair at best and financial abuse at worse.

Financial abuse. Call Woman’s aid.

Make sure he gives you access to family money, has a will leaving everything to you etc.

Well, first try talking to him . We have no idea whether the op has even done that yet

and I have a feeling we won’t ever

This

Before divorcing or running away, try again to save the marriage. He might be a total loser like mine who did not put to good use his diploma and earns a small salary. The whole things goes on mortgage, bills, food and petrol. I have seen his back account on 0.....many times. Found a part time job, save all my salary and help him out also.

Have you spoken to him about it? Is there enough money to go around. Does he pay for things for himself?

if there’s enough money to go round and he’s just withholding money then I would find a way to start earning money so you can plan your own future.

I can only talk about being on MAT leave, as I've never been a SAHM. When I was on MAT leave, exdp paid for the rent, food and bills, and my money was for me and the baby. He was a complete twat in other regards later on, but we had a joint account and I could spend what I wanted to hem I wanted. You are being financially abused, being afraid to ask is no way to live.

Agree with this. The assumption on threads like this is always that the husband earns a fortune and there is always plenty of money.
I don't know of any couples where the worker could afford to pay the non worker a salary on top of all bills. That is in no way the norm.

Thanks for your comments so far. I mean I don’t have to ask, he wouldn’t mind but he sends over enough for bills and savings (most months) and spends (coffees out etc) but that doesn’t usually last the month without a top up so I’m wary of spending.
someone asked if we were married and we are not.
money is not a issue for him, he runs a business and doesn’t have a problem spending money

what you just posted does not make sense. So he gives you money to save on your name but you cannot budget this for coffee and haircurt despite him giving you even coffee money. Lady????

Oh dear, you're in a precarious position, being unmarried and dependant, you have no legal protections. Can you put your child in school and get employment?

Your financial security should be number one priority.

So if all tickety-boo… ask for him to transfer MORE for your “spends”.

That simple

All money goes into a shared account, shared savings, and our pension pots. There is no need for me to ever ask for money as it's just as much mine as DH's.

I love being a SAHM whilst my children are small, but I wouldn't have even considered it if my DH wasn't happy with 100% shared finances. In your shoes I'd tell my DH that I'm returning to work unless he agrees to share everything (and that he will be equally responsible for managing childcare, pick ups, and time off when they are ill). No adult should have to ask for spending money.

If you aren’t married and you can’t access the accounts directly, this situation is ridiculous. Why does he have to transfer you money?

This is awful op.

from your second post, it seems there’s plenty of money.

why would the two of you not understand that any money his business earns is joint money that you should both have equal access to?

Sahm here. Dh deals with all financial aspects- he needs to have control- he's quite anal. In order for him to feel in control over outgoings he prefers to pay me a "salary" every month. I prefer this as well because I wouldn't want my spendings scrutinised (he's anal to the point of writing all purchases up - even a coffee- ocd territory). Anyway, you shouldn't need to ask him for money- either you have access to joint account or he puts in money in your account.

@sahmhe My dh makes sure we got the same amount to spend freely every month after bills and savings. Talk to him about this.

Are you at the very least on the house deeds and names on all bank accounts and investment?

Is he paying a contribution towards your pension when you’re not working?

Not sure if you’re aware of how vulnerable you could be if the relationship was to end?

I’ve been a sahm for a lot of the dc childhood, I’ve worked part time from home for many years now but still have total access to the money and I use it for whatever I want. Yes, if I need to make a big purchase I tell him about it but otherwise I don’t need to. I have my own money too though so it’s not like I have nothing but he pays for mostly everything.

I was a SAHM for 8 years and I had full access to finances. I never asked for money, I just took what I needed.

Your situation isn't right OP.

Just start taking out money from time to time. And don’t ask, I’m assuming your dh sees it as family money and you’re in the family. Also I don’t want to be that person but always good to put small amounts away regularly for yourself (from someone who never ever thought to do this and now isn’t in a great place).

Why on earth did you allow yourself to slip into this ridiculous situation, @BEAchDays2 ? Do you understand how vulnerable you are? Are you at least on the house deeds? Is he paying into a personal pension for you, or ISAs in your name?

What if it all falls apart….. he could leave you high and dry!

I would urge you to get a school place for your child without delay and go back to work. Focus on your career as if your life depended on it - because it does as you currently risk being poor in old age.

You absolutely need to prioritise yourself and your own best interests. Because ultimately nobody else will - despite whatever tale he has been spinning you.