My lack of housekeeping ability is wrecking my relationship

[Snard4]

Please help me. The house is full of crap. It’s not all mine but a lot of it is, and I’m useless at decluttering. I spend all of my time reading about it/watching YouTube videos on minimalism whilst surrounded by piles of god-knows-what. I seem to have an inability to sort anything out.

We have kids, I work term time only and was meant to be sorting out this Easter but instead went out and had fun with the kids. The mess is worse now than it was at the beginning of the holidays.

What can I do? It’s driving a wedge between us. I think I just need some practical tips as I’m completely and utterly overwhelmed. 😢

Can't your partner do it?

1 pile/file/carrier bag dealt with a day.

Up and on it. No procrastination, no deferment.

You can do a room a month.

Not sure it’s all on you.

But commit to doing a little each day. You’ll see improvement rapidly.

I don't understand - why is this solely your job?

instead went out and had fun with the kids this sounds like the better choice!

I’m a bit if a hoarder but my tactic is to ask myself if I’ll get more joy and satisfaction from the literal space the stuff leaves behind once gone, or having it around. Which one is worth more to me.

Usually ends up with the stuff getting chucked out!

With anything sentimental I remind myself I have photos, memories and emotions which better represent what the person associated with the object means to me. The object is not them. Out it goes!

You don’t say why it is affecting your relationship but you know that the domestic situation isn’t wholly your responsibility right? It should be a joint responsibility?

W@Snard4

what does your partner do to help?

listen to Dana k white. She gets it, loads of videos on YouTube, podcasts books.

she's 'real' and declutters in a very 'real' way.

hopefully this will take you to her YouTube Chanel

https://m.youtube.com/@DanaKWhite/videos

this is a good one to start with. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6bujMudrsvQ

Go out tomorrow and buy supplies - bin bags, cleaning products. Work out the location of your closest charity shop.

Then set a timer each day and commit to 15 minutes of decluttering in that time. One bin bag for donations and one for rubbish. One day a week reserved for taking stuff to charity shop. You may, depending on where you live just put stuff outside your gate with a sign saying “free please take”.
I would also assign the DC regular chores. Things like putting clean dishes away and helping to fold and put away laundry.

Which part of the house would make you feel best if it wasn't cluttered? If a room feels too overwhelming then start with a small part of a room, eg a bedside table, a bench in the kitchen etc. Take everything off it and put it into one of two piles: staying or leaving.

Unless things are very tight, don't faff around trying to sell things in the leaving pile. Just take it all out. Recycle and donate what you can, but otherwise throw it out. I get the guilts about the environment but draw a line in the sand and vow not to buy so much stuff again.

For the staying pile, you need to find places for it all. This can be tricky if all storage places are full but it means making a decision between what stays: the thing you need to find a home for or the thing that is in the storage space you need.

Remember that perfect is the enemy of good, I.e. if you think you have to make a space spotless and completely decluttered, it can be hard to start at all. Getting something done is better than nothing.

You know, you can hire someone to help you with this. Can you throw money at it to help you gain the skills?

If not, I would start small. Book in a slot at the recycle centre, and commit to getting rid of at least three bags/ broken items whatever each time.

But also sometimes just making your bed every day is a good place to start.

Can you get the kids involved, and play one song each and have dedicated short jobs to do during that time? You’d be surprised what 3 or 4 people can do in 10 minutes.

That’s how my ADHD presents the most. I don’t have much advice but I think maybe you have it too. I feel you x

Why is this all your responsibility?

Did your partner offer to take the kids out too?

What is Mr. Tidy doing about it after he whinges and moans about the clutter?

Mine is currently the same OP, mine is due to poor MH sadly, do you suffer also?

If it’s very overwhelming and getting you down, I would honestly sit down with your partner and come up with a plan if you can afford it to hire someone to help out. You should both be responsible for this not just you! Paying someone for 2-3 hours per week will help immensely and it’s money well spent. You can do exactly what you should be doing during your time off, having quality time with your kids! ❤️

Another one with ADD raising a hand. I'm 50 and have never cracked it without help..

Fly Lady - she's ace

Fly Lady Chaos clean x

Why does the OP have to do this though? Why can't her DP do it?

Sidetracked Home Executives is good. It’s a very old book (inthink it’s still in print) but the system is based on index cards which I’ve a,ways found work better than Flylady because there’s no printing of lists involved . The women who wrote the book were naturally disorganised and messy.

I forgot to say in my original post that I have inattentive ADHD and this is one of the things I struggle with. It does affect my relationship too because my partner doesn't want to be always tidying up my mess.

Do 3 things today.

1. empty all bins
2. Put away any laundry that’s hanging about
3. clean and tidy a coffee table/dining table/bedside table

Tomorrow after work before you sit down for the evening do one small thing - spend 10 mins on it, then walk away. repeat every night next week.

On your next day off or weekend buy some storage boxes and bin bags and get the kids involved in sorting out their bedrooms.

As a family could you do a boot fair? Could be a way of making enough money for a family treat - takeaway? Day at the zoo?

Faced with a lot of stuff it can be overwhelming and stressful and hard to know where to start. Don’t think of the bigger picture but look at it as lots of small projects- room by room or area by area.

One of you has the kids and the other does some clearing out.

OP hasnt given enough details for the context to be understood but if OP is anything like my partner, there will be upset and dithering and complaining and getting stuff back out the bags because 'I want to keep that'.

If OP has hoarding tendencies, and that includes stuff that isnt the hoarders, its impossible to clear up for them without serious angst and stress.

Thank you for the support 💐

He works long hours. He would like to just throw everything in a skip. 😔

@bellac11 what a cross post! Nailed it. I am getting so much better at just throwing stuff away; the minimalist YouTube videos are sinking in somewhere I guess!