My lack of housekeeping ability is wrecking my relationship

[Snard4]

Please help me. The house is full of crap. It’s not all mine but a lot of it is, and I’m useless at decluttering. I spend all of my time reading about it/watching YouTube videos on minimalism whilst surrounded by piles of god-knows-what. I seem to have an inability to sort anything out.

We have kids, I work term time only and was meant to be sorting out this Easter but instead went out and had fun with the kids. The mess is worse now than it was at the beginning of the holidays.

What can I do? It’s driving a wedge between us. I think I just need some practical tips as I’m completely and utterly overwhelmed. 😢

I haven’t rtft yet as I just got in from my son’s football, but I will say this: it’s not all mine! There’s plenty of his! Also, we have four kids. Now I’ll go and read the rest 😊

I am so grateful for the comments, thank you!

Make a list of what needs doing - allocate tasks and dates to both of you. If he doesn't like the mess, then he has a duty to help with it.

@Arewehumanorarewecupboards Why don't you put the CD/DVDs etc on local giving away pages as a car boot job lot? And give it to someone else who will take it so saves going to landfill?

I’m definitely not like this. It sounds so stressful. I have finally stopped worrying as much about repurposing/giving away/not wasting things and am better at just throwing for the sake of my mental health and the state of the house.

💐💐💐

My mum too . It took us 6 days a week for 10 weeks to clear her home and it was all just total crap ! .
I cried for a week after finishing because I couldn't believe she had the gall to leave us dealing with it .😡

I won’t do that to my kids, I promise 💐

Clearing my FIL's home was a total nightmare - the low point was an ear-cleaning gadget, complete with wax ..... oh yuk!

@TooMuchStuffArghhh because I won’t ever get rid if I do that. I’ll have great intentions but it will just sit in a box waiting to go.

Quite a few charity shops still take them. I CBA with FB or Vinted, but giving a box to a charity shop feels doable.

@Arewehumanorarewecupboards Maybe just sort it into the correct piles so that it can go in the correct bins for recycling.

I just get rid and never bother with trying to sell, as it all end up still there. And I ask people to help me drop it to where it needs to go.

I also tell people not to give me stuff. When you have a cluttered house, others tend to bring you their crap.

I say nanto stuff people try and give me, even if they are lovely things. I haven't got room, and if i needed it I would have it already.

@TooMuchStuffArghhh
Great user name!

I can’t remember who it was upthread who said they can only do it when they kick everyone else out; I’m the same! I only seem to be able to make headway when I’m home alone (which is rare).

In the nicest possible way- get off of Mumsnet and just start doing it. Get bin bags and start getting rid of everything that can't be given away and has to be chucked out. Pick a room and just start. Pick the easiest room and then just get on with it. Once you start it will become easier but chatting about how hard it it on Mumsnet is just another form of procrastination...

I sympathise with your DH if you won't let him just chuck everything out. If your clutter is taking up every space he won't have anywhere to put his own stuff so of course his things will be mixed in but it sounds very clearly like you are the root source of the issue.

While I appreciate the replies, please do read my posts. I have asked/encouraged him to do it but he’s just as guilty as me in a lot of ways. He’s never cleaned a thing in our house as long as we’ve been together. He gets angry and shouts and then tries to tidy up every now and then but there’s no consistency.

I am not stopping him from getting a skip.

I’ve just been and bought some more bin bags 😁

Ah, I see. Well then, he needs to help you with cleaning or you both need to hire a cleaner.

I think he sees all the kids’ stuff as mine, too, which makes no sense! I do have a lot of old teaching stuff I need to get rid of. He’s not here today and I’ve made progress in the kids’ rooms 😊

Does he have anxiety issues? Adult temper tantrums often seem to be anxiety based.

Can you book a day off without kids, ideally a dry day and just move everything outside from one room? Like the Stacey Solomon show. Much easier to sort if is out of the house

I spent my whole life feeling a failure for being overwhelmed by my house but never managing to stay on top of it. I think it might even have ended my marriage !! I didn't notice if it was a bomb site, and I could do a big clean up every few months but the everyday ongoing small scale maintenance made me feel so extremely stressed I can't even explain it, I just assumed it was my fault and there was something wrong with me. Until I opened a book about Strategies for life management with adult ADHD and flipped to the section about bedrooms. It described my bedroom perfectly!

I do tick lots of the boxes for adult adhd but I coped well at school so I don’t think it’s that. I certainly have time blindness.

Maybe it is anxiety causing his temper. He seems quite depressed at times 😔

I love the Stacey Solomon show! Any more recommendations like that? I know there’s also a Nick Knowles one (his voice grates on me though 😬)

I will look that book up, thanks!

Well done for starting on the kids’ rooms!

Thank you Sheila! Dp told me he was proud of me 😆