My lack of housekeeping ability is wrecking my relationship

[Snard4]

Please help me. The house is full of crap. It’s not all mine but a lot of it is, and I’m useless at decluttering. I spend all of my time reading about it/watching YouTube videos on minimalism whilst surrounded by piles of god-knows-what. I seem to have an inability to sort anything out.

We have kids, I work term time only and was meant to be sorting out this Easter but instead went out and had fun with the kids. The mess is worse now than it was at the beginning of the holidays.

What can I do? It’s driving a wedge between us. I think I just need some practical tips as I’m completely and utterly overwhelmed. 😢

Oopstheregoesanotherrubbertreeplant
You've spoken to me there. I also like to find homes for things where possible. Thank you for the tip of filling extra space in the bin on bin day.

I love the 'Sort your life out' decluttering programme and the question they ask is: "Do I use it? /Do I love it?"

Come at things with the idea of EVERYTHING goes unless you answer yes to the above questions.

The problem is people get bogged down with 'what if's?'. When I decluttered my loft I gave myself a £300 budget to replace anything that I threw away but later needed. You know how much I spent of it? £0.

Another test I've heard is to not keep the 'just in cases' if they can be replaced in 20 minutes for under £20. Because chances are you'll only ever need to replace one or two of these items in years.

I did use this rule once when I had spent hours turning the house upside down trying to find the Ikea blind cutter. We live within walking distance from Ikea and they cost £2.

But I'm currently annoyed with myself because I think I've got rid of both black cardigans that would go exactly with a new dress and the two that I kept aren't right.

It's bloody difficult I agree. But I think another good tip from the Sort Your Life Out programme was to keep the best one or two of an item, which is obviously good if you can get rid of the other 5/6/7 etc crappy ones. even though it's not helped me with my cardigans.

@LolaSmiles thank you. I do worry I'll regret throwing something out, but it hasn't happened yet. It helps knowing that charity shops bin some donations, so even that isn't a foolproof way of rehoming our things. It's getting easier with practice.

I understand how you feel having a cluttered house is really overwhelming and I get myself in this situation all the time. I clear it, swear to myself it won't happen again and then before I know it I'm back to square one. I also work term time and I used the 2 weeks to get my house in order.

I don't have a partner but I found doing one room at a time made a big difference. I'd spend one day sorting a room then the next day I'd take my children out.

Hire a skip and get rid of it all. You have to be ruthless when decluttering. I have a habit of hanging on to stuff. I found multiple bags in a cupboard full of random "just in case I need it" stuff. Some of these bags have been there a couple of years and when I looked in them I realised I haven't needed any of it so it all went in the bin.

I agree. Except most days is probably more realistic.

The way I tackled this when we started living together over twenty years ago - and I am well aware obviously that few will be able to do the same - was to have a huge outbuilding built at the end of the garden. Spending money on that meant we had to wait years before we could afford to do other much needed work in the house but it was worth it. This became ‘his’ building. It’s actually functional in some ways as it is his office and also a music studio which both he and DD2 require. The rest of it however is full to the rafters with all the stuff that he has hoarded. I am perfectly happy for him to do exactly as you say - keep old door mats, empty containers and cardboard boxes (omg the cardboard boxes!), but it all has to go to his building. He has on occasion complained that he can’t move around up there and get to things because it’s too full. No shit Sherlock. Our marriage would not have survived without that building. And he has, miraculously, slowly spent the last couple of years (triggered by lockdown and being at home and in his building so much) slowly decluttering. It’s still horrendous by my standards but the point is it’s him who wants to do it for himself now. Though he did make me laugh when he tried to justify his keeping stuff for years jic when he sold an old rear shelf of a Jaguar XJS on eBay for GBP700 🙄

What would be the issue with getting a skip?

it sounds glib but actually meant fully seriously.

would it be helpful for you to list out the things you know you would like to keep, and anything not on the list is ditched.

Is any of it his stuff?

My DC surprised me by being incredibly not sentimental about their outgrown stuff when I asked for help and that really helped me to get rid of them. Also in a cost of living crisis charity shops to find wearable hand me downs can be more important than ever to many families. Textile bank for the stained and knackered stuff- lots of big supermarkets have one of these in their car park and most council tips will have this section.

For decluttering you need Marie kondo or the home edit. Both on Netflix.
Both inspiring in different ways. X

This is me too. I find it so overwhelming. I promise myself I will do it and it doesn’t happen. With some things (like children’s clothes and toys especially) I get choice paralysis between what to give away, recycle, give to charity shops and in the end nothing happens. It makes me feel so lazy but it’s like so much needs done and i get overwhelmed and nothing gets done.

So let him or you sort out your own crap. It would infuriate me if my partner hoarded rubbish but wouldn’t allow me to sort through it and get rid.

That isn't what she said is happening though?

I live with a bit of a hoarder so I sympathise with your dp. What I find helps me and him as we don't argue over it is he has spaces where he can keep his crap, the spare room and the shed, still annoys me that the shed is practically unusable but at least my house is clean and clutter free. Can you move your clutter to another space? For those saying for her dp to de clutter, I've offered umpteen times and been turned down.

I second those who advise employing professional declutterer. Your DH clearly will not object as he favours getting rid of it.

And when your partners puts something in the bin that had a great sentimental value to you, or something that you kept for specific reasons (let’s say I’m keeping all my bank statements for the past 10 years for admin reasons) and you end up desperately needing them…. What will happen?

Will you still be happy for someone else to have decided what is or isn’t important for you?
I very much doubt it.

Sorry drpet I misunderstood you, apologies.

Same. Anyone criticising the OP's DH can do one. Spend a couple of decades trapped in someone else's clutter, then get back to us.

Not having a go at you, OP. Lots of people who hoard have been through childhood trauma; hoarding is a way of trying to feel safe. You may need some psychological support to help you move through this. Good luck 💐

Firstly, tell your partner you know it’s a problem and you are working on it and it’s hard - so please can you have his support.

Secondly can you possibly get it a clutter clearing person and a takeaway service? Yes it’s expensive but it’s a once in a lifetime cost and you will not only crack the problem you’ll feel great.

if not, I think a slob comes clean is the best of the declutters. So follow her.

Experiment to keep it up. One thing in one thing out. Minimal supplies. Storage with minimal friction (you will succeed in chucking things in an allocated basket, you will not succeed in chucking them in a draw) - forget about minimalism - you need storage to be visible and accessible. Most people with ADHD / or a chronic disorganisation issue that manifests like this need visual systems - anyone who is info minimalism is a totally different person to you so unfollow.

Finally it’s your DP’s job to support and assist you with this, and to provide a clean eye. Be open about your problem but don’t let him off the hook.

Oh - see if Anglo Doorstep collections work near you. They do free charity collections once a month - really helpful when it comes to keeping it up.

Can you set a timer on your phone for literally 5 mins and do as much as you can, I find the hardest part is just starting.

Once you have seen that you have made a difference it will get you motivated.

I'm in the middle of decluttering. I have ADHD, and find keeping the house tidy really difficult. Things that are working for me:

1. Wardrobes & drawers swapped for nice clothing rails. With a shelf on the bottom with 3 baskets for underwear/socks/pyjamas

This takes away the pulling things out to look for one specific things/not putting stuff away/having messy can't close drawers.

1. Labels on all the bins to show people what goes where. And recycling/general waste bins in each bedroom/bathroom and the kitchen. Also labels on the food/compost bins.

1. Laundry separating system for dark/light/towels. Labelled for kids to do themselves.

1. Got rid of the extra cutlery/crockery so that I don't have loads of dirty dishes to deal with.

1. Reduced the bedding and towels so the washing doesn't mount up.

1. Reduced clothing so less mounds of washing piling up all over the house.

1. Increased tea towels so that there's enough for a full load in the washing machine and I'm not wasting water/energy when I wash them.

1. I've been using the Sweepy App. Some success and you can allocate/share the jobs. Free unless you want to share jobs/more than one user. Or you can have the free version if you and other family members set yours up that you assign jobs that you stick to.

1. Organised the utility so that the clean laundry stays there in containers and everyone takes own to put away.

10. Declutter lists from online that gives ideas of what to declutter.

11. Telling hoarder kids that if they want to keep it then it needs to go in their room

And a podcast or milusic when I'm cleaning to help me focus.

I’m doing this at the moment op.

I make everyone go out because it’s easier to do it myself and I can make a massive mess while doing it without people getting in the way/me being in their way.

I’m listening to music and having a great time.
My dc are adults but I’ve got so much of their baby/childhood stuff so I’m taking pictures and chucking anything that we don’t need (we don’t need ds (20) school book on disasters that he made when he was 8! I took photos of cute bits on my phone.

Odd socks that lost their partners years ago are being binned.

CDs and DVDs are being dumped as we can access them online (apart from a few favourites where I like the artwork etc).

Apart from rehoming books everything is going in the bin. I know I won’t take it to the charity shop or recycling bin so it’s going to land fill. I know it’s wrong but it’s the only way I can get rid.

I’m being brutal!