My lack of housekeeping ability is wrecking my relationship

[Snard4]

Please help me. The house is full of crap. It’s not all mine but a lot of it is, and I’m useless at decluttering. I spend all of my time reading about it/watching YouTube videos on minimalism whilst surrounded by piles of god-knows-what. I seem to have an inability to sort anything out.

We have kids, I work term time only and was meant to be sorting out this Easter but instead went out and had fun with the kids. The mess is worse now than it was at the beginning of the holidays.

What can I do? It’s driving a wedge between us. I think I just need some practical tips as I’m completely and utterly overwhelmed. 😢

Why can’t he throw everything in a skip? Let him do it!!!

I’ve tried to say that, and I’ve begged him for help. We had a big falling out lastnight. I don’t know where to go from here but I know I need to be better for my kids and myself.

You’re already getting better by identifying the issue and working to confront it 💪💪💪. Give yourself a break! The clutter didn’t appear by magic overnight. It won’t go like that either. X

I struggle too. My adult son was recently diagnosed with ADHD and I think I may have traits . My ex moaned all the time about my lack of housekeeping skills as his mother lived for cleaning etc but he did very little except for himself . When we separated I had to move quickly and disposed of some stuff . I have focused on keeping one room tidy enough for visitors but still struggling with the others and still have a spare room full of unpacked boxes . I obviously don’t need the stuff ! I am going to try 10 minute bursts. Very proud of myself as I took a suitcase to the tip this week . It was a 21st present and I am now in my 60s ! Strangely I am great at organising social events and holidays so there are some organisational skills somewhere. Does your DH not understand your condition? He should sort things with you x

Do you have productivity hacks that you use elsewhere? I'm two rooms into a big upstairs spring clean. What has helped me is starting where I know I'll get fast results and stay motivated (e.g. clear, dust and tidy bookshelves, it's one job and looks great when done and I'm motivated to move to next section). Listening to podcasts that are enough to keep my mind interested while I work but not interesting enough that I want to sit down and listen intently. Black bags and binning it, anything I plan to donate/recycle hasn't moved yet despite my best intentions. Could you order the skip with a pre-agreed removal date? The deadline could be a forcing function.

Help to do the actual tidying as it's his stuff too, or help with giving you the support to declutter if it's majority yours?
I think pp are a bit unfair to the DP especially when op has confirmed as @bellac11 posted that she gets upset when her DP offers help as she struggles to bin things.

Oh look, another man who gets to avoid difficult and boring stuff at home by 'working long hours' yet still complains about how the house is run.

Being honest, who's stuff is it all and what is it? Necessary things that are needed sometimes but not always, eg Christmas decorations, tools etc? Actual crap? Outgrown DC clothes, toys etc? His stuff? Things may come in handy? At the risk of generalising, it's a rare man who doesn't have a load of cables, chargers etc for stuff that no longer works or has long been disposed of. Is this him?

How about you make a plan to do it in the summer holidays and he takes at least a week or two off work to do it with you? You have 6 weeks, so can still do stuff with DC, but can also spend time on the house. The crap didn't build up in days/weeks, so it can't all be got rid of that quickly.

In the meantime, you can start small with the worst of the mess/easy wins and also watch Sort Your Life Out on iPlayer for inspiration.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m00116n4/episodes/player

My advice would be
1- do it together. You do your stuff. He does his.
2- tackle one room at a time. One drawer at a time if it’s too overwhelming.
3- start with tidying up. A place for each thing, in a cupboard etc…. Then look at what is left. Do you REALLY need it? Do you REALLY like it? Or is it fear?

Oh look another poster who cant see past 'men are horrible, lets criticize them at every turn'

The partner wants to dump the stuff, OP doesnt and gets upset and wont let him

Living with a hoarder is a bloody nightmare and really stressful.

This doesnt work that easily in our house, he also gets upset at me getting rid of my own things, or things Ive bought for the house that we no longer need, so not 'his' things which I darent touch and which he squirrels away (the loft floor will probably fall in one day)

A lot of it has to be done covertly.

I also have ADD and I am another one for wondering if you have it too . My top tip is to visualise what it is you want to do before you do it. Like grab a plastic bag and imagine which items you will put in it.

I read it like that too. Sounds to me like the DH wants to dump, OP says no I'll sort it all out soon then does something more fun instead.

Which is why they're arguing.

Help to do the actual tidying as it's his stuff too, or help with giving you the support to declutter if it's majority yours?

imo if some of the stuff is his then he has a part of play and should do some decluttering too. He might not have as much to do. It might be 10% but still he should be involved and recognise his part too.
There is also a question of what belongs to who. I can see how all the house stuff will be labelled as the OP when actually it’s the family clutter and he should be as responsible.

Living with a hoarder is a bloody nightmare and really stressful.

Yep. My mum was a bit of a hoarder. It was a nightmare after she died and we had to declutter.

:(:(
Its hard isn’t it?

I find it tough to get rid of things sometimes op, despite the fact that I grew up with a hoarder and and can be quite ruthless there is still a bit of that holds onto things because of their practical value. E.g a small tent in case the kids want to camp in the garden, ds's old wetsuits because they will fit dd. A lot of the things I save end up being useful but for every useful item there's something not that gets forgotten about and before you know if your cupboards are cluttered up.

I think it's a constant battle but you do need to get others involved too. So tell your kids to pick 5 books/ toys a week to get rid of. Ask your dh to go through a cupboard like the airing cupboard or something and take out old, tatty or unused items. Make your kids go through their clothes and take out anything too small or they don't like. Your job is to just bag it up and take to the charity shop / bin / tip. If you want to sell or free cycle give it one week to get rid of it that way then just get rid. If you have less stuff, the things you keep will have a space to be put away. It's relentless when you have kids.

Perhaps booking a skip isn’t a bad idea. You’ll have to fill it before others do.

What age are your children, OP? We have been where you are now and when we did finally tackle the mess (because we were moving) I was surprised at how good the kids were at sorting out their things. They liked the idea of stuff being donated so other children could play with it. And they did get the idea of having more floor space to play if they threw away some stuff. They were better at the idea of ‘letting go’ than I was!

How old are your kids?
Do you plan to have any more?

There is a point when it does feel chaos, it's not just your stuff, it's specialised furniture for everybody in the house.

You can repurpose to a point, the baby bath becomes a laundry basket/soft toy storage.
Other stuff has to go and by the time stuff has had a hard life (a cot mattress we were given was mingling) it needs to go to the tip not be passed on again. It has done its job.

My mum, when my kids were small, gave me boxes and boxes of mine and my brother's toys shed kept. It was revolting, over whelming. A lot I didn't remember, a lot had plastic fatigue, was rusty, a few bits I treasured but most could have had a life decades ago not lived in an attic.

It is hard managing a household.

I read it like that too. Sounds to me like the DH wants to dump, OP says no I'll sort it all out soon then does something more fun instead
That's how I read it.
When one person has got as far as they can on their stuff, there's a limit to what they can do with the other person's stuff, especially if the cluttered person keeps taking things out, or keeping them just in case.

A good starting point could be to look at a communal area together and declutter the family possessions in that area.

Then the OP needs to accept that she has to get to grips with her own stuff. I would imagine she has some Doom Boxes (sorry if I've got this prediction wrong OP) so a good place to start might be setting a timer for 15 minutes and tackling one box a day.

He's still complaining about a frying pan I chucked a couple of years ago because the handle broke off for gods sake. Apparently that was 'his frying pan'.

I bought a new entrance mat for the hallway the other week, saw him running off through the house with the old knackered one which has now found itself ON TOP OF another entrance mat at the back door.

On top of!!!! Because he cant bear that its got to be chucked

Same with some kitchen mats down by the sink which got all manky, so I got some new ones, told him to chuck the old ones. I then find that hes put the old ones in the wash (where they've been many times before) so that he can pack them away and keep them

Has to keep old empty candle holders, old containers.

Its unliveable. So the OPs partner is probably being driven mad by this and which is why most of the posters criticising him have no idea.

I find the Marie Kondo mantra of "does it spark joy?" really helpful as it's helped me move past focusing on what I am throwing away, and instead can focus on what I am going to keep, which feels like an altogether more positive way to clear out.

I also set myself targets- I.e. getting to a car boot sale on a certain date, or getting rid of X bags of stuff iver a month which also helps the focus.

I agree about the ‘spark joy’ test. This is very helpful. Don’t think about how much money was spent on the item, or if it was given by lovely Aunty Maggie, or it might be useful in some imaginary future situation.

Does the item spark joy for you right now? Or is it honestly useful and in use on a regular basis? Anything else is not needed in your home and can be got rid of to give you the space to live.

I agree about the ‘spark joy’ test. This is very helpful. Don’t think about how much money was spent on the item, or if it was given by lovely Aunty Maggie, or it might be useful in some imaginary future situation
I have a clutter tendancy that I have to work hard to stay on top of. "Spark joy" didn't work for me, but the principle of not thinking about the money or sentiment was really helpful. The money is already gone so there's no point in keeping things just in case.

The Minimalists do another test called the 90/90 rule that I find more helpful.

• have I used this item in the last 90 days?
• am I likely to use this item in the next 90 days?

They say that you can adapt the rule to suit you and your location, or add in certain extra criteria if you like.

I have a huge problem with clutter too. I've been trying to deal with it for years. The sticking point for me is feeling that I need to find new homes for my things. Mainly it's books and crafting supplies. The local charity shops aren't interested, not even the Oxfam bookshop.

What seems to be helping for now is, knowing nobody wants these things, deciding I must on the morning of each general waste bin collection day fill the empty space in the bin. Our general waste bins are collected by 9am. It introduced a very tight deadline with no time to overthink or change my mind once the bin lorry got here. I still feel guilty, but at least I'm making headway.

The local BHF will come out to collect donations of clothing which is a great help as I have no car. I'm currently working up the motivation to go through my wardrobe and pull all the saleable spring/summer clothing that doesn't fit me or suit me. I already did the winter ones last November.