How do I become a normal person in terms of housekeeping?

[MassiveTBRpile]

The living room is somewhat passable but the kitchen and my bedroom are just awful.

Lying here now there’s at least 3 baskets full of clean washing that teeter on the brink o collapse, random bits of rubbish all over the floor, dirty cups etc. It’s like those awful bedrooms of teenagers that you hear about but I’m over 30! You can’t just walk from the bed to the door, you have to walk around and over things.

It makes life so difficult and exhausting. Getting dressed isn’t just getting dressed. It’s tipping basketfuls of washing onto the bed to find what I need then spending 10 minutes every night putting it back in the baskets only to repeat that process every single day. My OHs side of the bed is practically carpeted in clean washing that has fallen out of said baskets.

I fully understand this is not right. This is not how a family home should be but I can’t fix it. It’s no excuse but I have suspected ADHD so issues with executive function. There is just never a time I can say to myself ‘X Y Z needs done, best pop off and do it’ - it always has to wait until it just can’t wait why longer and is making life completely impossible.

I know about Flylady and TOMM etc but none of it helps. I don’t want to learn a routine I want to change and become a clean and tidy person. My kids shouldn’t have to walk over wet towels and crisp packets to come to my bed. I’m mortified.

Can anyone please help?

It’s not easy!

Start with the washing. Can your OH help? Put it all away. No baskets around.

Then have a rule you put a basket of washing away every day.

So for me here it means I do a wash every day. Hang it up, to do that I have to take a wash down or out of the drier.

I throw undies, socks etc in the basket and hang everything else on a chair.

Them EVERY evening - usually when DH is cooking - I fold it all and put it in a basket. Which then gets put at the bottom of the stairs. It gets put away next day.

So every day I do a wash, hang up a wash, fold a wash and put a wash away.

Just try doing that for a while.

Then add in another regular job to do every day.

Rules, you have to start making rules for yourself and sticking to them ☝️😊
Or it could be an expression of a deeper psychological thing of some kind🤔

Either you need to follow a method, such as having a fixed list of chores and timetable them - and actually do it. Or.. you need to change your environment so that you cannot do what you currently do, eg get rid of your basket system for laundry so you have to wash, dry and put stuff away as there is no other option.
The third option is to throw money at the problem and employ someone to tidy and clean several twice a week (more, or less as needed)

Put a bin either side of the bed for crisp packets and whatever else.
I have had to resort to Two big bloody laundry baskets, different coloured, when I get depressed.
One for clean clothes that I can't be arsed to deal with properly (yes, screwed up and chucked in is fine) This basket MUST have a lid to prevent it being used as a bin, clothes stay clean (ish)!
The other is for dirty clothes and occasional odd shoes, belts, screws, pegs, pennies, pen lids and the odd crisp packet, this laundry basket must NOT have a lid.

You won't 'become tidy' I don't think that happens to people, You just have to make it as easy as possible to fake being less messy.

DS has adhd. He is also in the army where the sort of mess you describe is not acceptable. It just isn't. So for him it had to be fixed. I think his best tactic is to hardly have any stuff. So get rid of everything, I mean everything. If you cant bear to chuck it, put it in bin bags in the attic. Only leave out maybe two changes of clothing. So three trousers, three shirts, three cardies and three sets of underwear. Same with shoes and toiletries and even food - everything. So now you wear it wash it and wear it again. Every single day throw everything rubbishy away. That means junk mail, old food, empty toiletry bottles. You need much less stuff. When you are on top of managing this very small amount, try and reintroduce one or two more items and see how it goes. Good luck

Thanks for not making me feel shit about myself

Making it easier to fake being less messy sounds good. We have the typical house with far more stuff than we need to probably getting rid of loads of stuff to begin with would help.

If I got rid of baskets I’d just pile it up somewhere, I think it would be impossible for me to wash, dry and put away (if we’re talking about one single load of washing) in one day.

Washing seems to be the main issue if I’m honest. In the bedroom anyway. Maybe I do just need to focus on tackling that then move onto other things. Putting it away is just so boring I’d rather stick pins in my eyes. I know I need to do it though.

I did manage to learn to make my bed every day a year or so again so maybe this could be my next step. Putting away some washing every day.

Thanks Janet we definitely have too much stuff. Small eg is socks. We as a family just have ridiculous amounts of socks so they always end up being the last thing to be washed as there’s a sense of security of there being a hundred other pairs but then you do get to the last pair and you’re screwed. Actually having 5 pairs each would be easier.

@janetmendoza

DS has adhd. He is also in the army where the sort of mess you describe is not acceptable. It just isn't. So for him it had to be fixed. I think his best tactic is to hardly have any stuff. So get rid of everything, I mean everything. If you cant bear to chuck it, put it in bin bags in the attic. Only leave out maybe two changes of clothing. So three trousers, three shirts, three cardies and three sets of underwear. Same with shoes and toiletries and even food - everything. So now you wear it wash it and wear it again. Every single day throw everything rubbishy away. That means junk mail, old food, empty toiletry bottles. You need much less stuff. When you are on top of managing this very small amount, try and reintroduce one or two more items and see how it goes. Good luck

The army also creates routine and structure for you plus gives you real deadlines by which things have to be done. All of which help ADHD. Getting rid of stuff is also a great idea as he's identified. Less stuff to lose, sort, clean and move, means less needs doing and less to make a mess with and lose.

ADHD is not just about having more willpower.

Are you getting a diagnosis as medication will help if you want to try that.

I also found the book below super helpful. Some really good and simple to implement and maintain ideas:

Organizing Solutions for People With ADHD: Tips and Tools to Help You Take Charge of Your Life and Get Organized https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1592335128/ref=cmswwrcppapifabb_pRqEFbK1265Y8

You need to decide if this is who you are or not. Everyone can make a mess occasionally but you need to decide if you are the sort of person who is going to live in a mess permanently or if you are the sort of person who takes responsibility for putting everything right, regularly for the sake of yourself respect and your family's comfort. I tell myself that I'm not the sort of woman who lives in a messy, unclean house and that makes it about who I am, that's what gets me going. It's become a belief now.

@MassiveTBRpile

Thanks for not making me feel shit about myself

Making it easier to fake being less messy sounds good. We have the typical house with far more stuff than we need to probably getting rid of loads of stuff to begin with would help.

If I got rid of baskets I’d just pile it up somewhere, I think it would be impossible for me to wash, dry and put away (if we’re talking about one single load of washing) in one day.

Washing seems to be the main issue if I’m honest. In the bedroom anyway. Maybe I do just need to focus on tackling that then move onto other things. Putting it away is just so boring I’d rather stick pins in my eyes. I know I need to do it though.

I did manage to learn to make my bed every day a year or so again so maybe this could be my next step. Putting away some washing every day.

Washing is tricky as there are so many stages. I get a tumble dryer to remove a stage of hanging out which helped. So when I take the washing out of the dryer I take it straight upstairs and put it away upstairs where all the stuff goes. Don't fold onto the dryer as it'll never make it upstairs!!

I'm in exactly the same boat. Coming down with baskets of clean clothes I just can't seem to out away. Rubbish and clutter everywhere. It all feels like a constant battle.

For the last few months I have been sure I have some form of ADHD (all symptoms fit and online tests show I high possibly) I never put this together with it but maybe it is just something that does take a lot of effort for some people.

I don't know about you but part of it is that everything for me needs its place and needs to be precise. I have said before that when I clean or tidy it needs to be perfect and takes hours therefore, I would rather live in mess than half do a job. I don't know if that makes sense. Basically if I have stuff which doesn't have a home it stresses me the fuck out so I would leave it in a pile, rather than put it in a drawer where it doesn't belong etc.

What is your DH doing to help?
What state is the rest of the house?

I could have written your post op. We have to climb over mountains of washing and shit to get out of our bedroom. Can't even open the door fully to get it. The only tidy room I've got is the hallway as I had a burst of energy yesterday and tidied it.

I often wonder what's wrong with me, think it might be depression but if I saw someone else's house like mine I'd think they'd had mental health issues.

My son told me I was the best mum in the world and that the mess doesn't matter. I did have a bit of a moan at the whole family the other day because they all moan that they can't find anything to wear and yet they do nothing to help me at all.

A few weeks ago I threw out all the cups in the house and left just one each because they're all too lazy to bring them and rinse them and just leave them strewn around the sofa etc. I've also booked a skip for next week and I plan to just sweep through the house and chuck all the shit into it because as a person up thread said I also believe the problem is too much stuff.

There's much more far worse embarrassing things I cannot even bring to mention in an anonymous forum but I just wanted you to know you're not alone!!

Another option if it’s really just laundry that’s the problem is to outsource it. There may be a collect and deliver service locally (and if finances dictate that you can). Each family
Member has their own coloured bag and is responsible for getting to the door ready for collection and is responsible for putting it away on its washed and dried return.
That way you are only responsible for your laundry!

There is a solution @MassiveTBRpile it’s just finding one that works for you.

You become a clean and tidy person by having a routine!
I get it as I’m a messy person myself but sticking to a routine as much as possible is the only thing that works. Dh and dc need to be sticking to the routine too.
Laundry is a big deal for me so after I’ve done the washing, everyone takes their own stuff and puts it away. Dc have been doing that since they were very young. From around 4.
This only works if they have an organised place to put their stuff. Drawer for socks and underwear, uniform, tops and bottoms separated on hangers or box shelves.

The other main trouble zone is the kitchen so that gets cleaned after every meal and definitely at the end of the day. It’s boring and requires effort but it has to be done. No excuses.

Same with the living room. Who wants to come downstairs first thing in the morning to a mess? The only way to avoid that is tidy up the evening before. Everyone helps.

I didn’t have much luck with getting a diagnosis unfortunately even though I’m as certain as I could be. It’s extremely frustrating but a whole other thread. I’m considering trying again privately though with someone who has more experience. ADHD seems to be so misunderstood in women, especially women who manage to hold down jobs etc. I’ll look at that book, thank you.

I totally agree about washing! So many stages. Plus I think when you are trying to tidy it feels so good to put the machine on and you can do loads then remember it all needs dried and put away too! We often have a wet load on top of the machine waiting to be rinsed because no one hung it up

I totally see what you’re saying Frantic about choosing which type of person to be. I would like not to be this person but it seems unfortunately I am.

Toad I can relate to your past paragraph SO MUCH! A need for perfection. Which is laughable when you read my posts but it’s almost like if you can’t get the whole room or house sitting absolutely spotlessly you’d rather not do it at all. That’s how I feel anyway. Which is maybe why these one room or one thing a day things seem so difficult.

@MassiveTBRpile

Thanks for not making me feel shit about myself

Making it easier to fake being less messy sounds good. We have the typical house with far more stuff than we need to probably getting rid of loads of stuff to begin with would help.

If I got rid of baskets I’d just pile it up somewhere, I think it would be impossible for me to wash, dry and put away (if we’re talking about one single load of washing) in one day.

Washing seems to be the main issue if I’m honest. In the bedroom anyway. Maybe I do just need to focus on tackling that then move onto other things. Putting it away is just so boring I’d rather stick pins in my eyes. I know I need to do it though.

I did manage to learn to make my bed every day a year or so again so maybe this could be my next step. Putting away some washing every day.

Ha ha. The feeling of boredom is so strong with ADHDers I always say a similar thing lol. I always say that it makes me want to gouge my eyes out. Bit more gory than yours but I am sure the feeling is the same!

My tip is music or podcasts. I don't attempt anything boring without my headphones in. Makes it doable.

Getting started is the hardest bit for anything though so try to remember to just focus on the very first thing. So if you need to get up and go and put the washing away upstairs, all you need to do is stand up. That's it. Just get up. Don't think about anything else. That's usually enough to get you going.

Abs try not to beat yourself up. If you do have ADHD you can't help it. You will have difficult starting tasks, switching tasks and remaining focussed. You will struggle with short term memory and working out how to plan and organise. You will struggle doing the basics of life quite simply. It affects everything and you can't help it. You can take meds or use strategies to help but it won't go away. And NTs won't get it so try not to worry when they don't unless they are important people to you. It's hard for them to understand why you can't just get up and put the washing on. To them you just need to try harder, as they can't understand why you can't. And I get it. It sounds ridiculous!!

One thing that really helped my husband get it was there was a study done where they removed the dopamine in some starving rats (v cruel :-() and then put some food a few cms away from them and they couldn't be arsed to go and get it. Dopamine is the neurotransmitter that makes you seek out things and in ADHD it is low. We have more than the rats did but I think it provides a good example of why steering things might be difficult for people with ADHD.

And you also go off a tangent a lot which is what I've just done (and talk to much and over explain using too many words, sorry!).

So back to tips! My tigger big tip is don't worry too much when you fail. When you get bored of the "new routine" or strategy or forget that you are doing it. The other thing that comes with ADHD is inconsistency! You won't manage it all the time. If you don't do it one day, just go back to it. If your plan is to put a wash on abs dry it abd out it away everyday and you do it 4 days (or even 1 day more than you managed it before) out if 7 that's still a success - possibly more than you did it the previous week so make sure you recognise the successes. And just get back to your plan when you can and when you remember.

The best thing actually I did for keeping my house tidy is getting a cleaner. 1. That's a whole load of boring jobs taken care of 2. I get a real deadline fir we hen the house needs to be tidy as she can't clean if there's shit everywhere.

She only comes once a fortnight but it's invaluable really just to give me a deadline more than anything.

So a good plan if you can stretch to it.

The living room seems to be the only room we can keep on top of and it must just be because it’s our space we chill in the evening and obviously the room people see if they come in.

My OH - he’s not faultless but I’m actually embarrassed to admit he does a hell of a lot more than me. It annoys me that he would never tbink ‘oh there’s a basket of washing I’ll fold some of that and stick it in the drawer’ but he can come in from working 6am-6pm when I’ve already been home for 3 hours and just roll up his sleeves and rattle through 3 meals dishes. There’s definitely things he sees as Not His Department but he works over 70 hours a week and does what he can. I know it makes me sound terrible that I even allow him to come home to a mess but it’s not intentional.

Fast I’m sorry you feel the same way. I feel awful for my kids. They’re great, happy children but they’re getting to the independent play date age and they’re going to start noticing that their friends houses don’t look like ours.

Interstellar love that you get your kids involved. I’m sure mine would if I asked them too but the thought of them putting their own washing away and the mess it would be in ... ironic I know!

I do wonder how much it would cost just to pay someone else to do all of our laundry. I’d do the underwear and towels. I honestly feel like that could change my life. Isn’t ironing about 50p per item? A whole wash and iron service could end up being quite expensive.

Have a look at Psychiatry U.K. Quite reasonable prices with psychiatrists who specialise in ADHD. You can see them through NHS under right to choose as they provide the NHS service in some areas of the country. I went private with them though due to a variety of reasons so don't know too much about that route but there are details on their website.

Yes get the whole rewashing thing. Loads often get washed multiple times in this house too!!

@MiniMum97 reading this thread has been quite eye opening for me, Im just realising I have a lot of ADHD tendencies and I've never even thought about it before because (probably quite closed minded tbh) I did well in school and I'm intelligent but now I'm looking at it starting tasks is the hardest thing, time management for me is through the floor, I'm restless, forgetful which I thought might be stress, sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode with pressure, I'm loud, quite situationally unaware especially of others

Thank you so much Mini. I really feel like you understand. There’s no doubt in my mind that I’m missing something that takes me from ‘I should do x’ to actually doing it. It doesn’t just affect my house it affects every part of my life. Everything else you’ve mentioned too I just relate to so much. So thank you. The rat thing is so interesting and make so much sense!!

I would love a cleaner. We did have one years ago but had problems even getting the house tidy enough to clean so in the end it was too much stress but maybe we could give it another go.

I’m try not to be too hard on myself either. Small victories is what I’ll aim for.

Never walk downstairs without taking your dirty cups with you.

Don’t put anything on the floor, ever.

Have a bin in every room. Use it. When it’s full, take it downstairs and empty it.

Throw away all your movable laundry baskets except one. Do one load per day. You can’t carry any more downstairs until the basket has been emptied of clean stuff.

Fast you sound like me. All the online tests for inattentive ADHD I score 10/10 100% every time.

I’ll look into seeing someone again Mini. The woman I saw was absolutely useless trying to tell me I’m just stressed and people with ADHD can’t normally have a job. Yes I’m stressed because my brain doesn’t function properly to allow me to love a normal life so that everything I do has to be so much harder than it should be. Yes I’m stressed. Fix the problem with my brain and watch the stress disappear

@MassiveTBRpile

The living room seems to be the only room we can keep on top of and it must just be because it’s our space we chill in the evening and obviously the room people see if they come in.

My OH - he’s not faultless but I’m actually embarrassed to admit he does a hell of a lot more than me. It annoys me that he would never tbink ‘oh there’s a basket of washing I’ll fold some of that and stick it in the drawer’ but he can come in from working 6am-6pm when I’ve already been home for 3 hours and just roll up his sleeves and rattle through 3 meals dishes. There’s definitely things he sees as Not His Department but he works over 70 hours a week and does what he can. I know it makes me sound terrible that I even allow him to come home to a mess but it’s not intentional.

Fast I’m sorry you feel the same way. I feel awful for my kids. They’re great, happy children but they’re getting to the independent play date age and they’re going to start noticing that their friends houses don’t look like ours.

Interstellar love that you get your kids involved. I’m sure mine would if I asked them too but the thought of them putting their own washing away and the mess it would be in ... ironic I know!

I do wonder how much it would cost just to pay someone else to do all of our laundry. I’d do the underwear and towels. I honestly feel like that could change my life. Isn’t ironing about 50p per item? A whole wash and iron service could end up being quite expensive.

Stop right there.

Firstly don't worry about the mess the kids would create by putting their own washing away. 1. It would be away and not somewhere in one of many baskets. 2. It would be really good for the children to learn to do some jobs around the house. They are capable of more than we give them credit for. And a bit of responsibly and learning is great. Bear in mind also that if you do have ADHD they may do too which may hamper these plans!

Secondly why are you ironing. Stop that immediately. Very little needs ironing. Work shirts and similar would be the exception. Most things creases fall out.

You really need to focus much less on perfection and more on everything being as simple as possible and it getting done.

Done is the goal. Perfect has to go out the window. It's never going to be perfect.