How do I become a normal person in terms of housekeeping?

[MassiveTBRpile]

The living room is somewhat passable but the kitchen and my bedroom are just awful.

Lying here now there’s at least 3 baskets full of clean washing that teeter on the brink o collapse, random bits of rubbish all over the floor, dirty cups etc. It’s like those awful bedrooms of teenagers that you hear about but I’m over 30! You can’t just walk from the bed to the door, you have to walk around and over things.

It makes life so difficult and exhausting. Getting dressed isn’t just getting dressed. It’s tipping basketfuls of washing onto the bed to find what I need then spending 10 minutes every night putting it back in the baskets only to repeat that process every single day. My OHs side of the bed is practically carpeted in clean washing that has fallen out of said baskets.

I fully understand this is not right. This is not how a family home should be but I can’t fix it. It’s no excuse but I have suspected ADHD so issues with executive function. There is just never a time I can say to myself ‘X Y Z needs done, best pop off and do it’ - it always has to wait until it just can’t wait why longer and is making life completely impossible.

I know about Flylady and TOMM etc but none of it helps. I don’t want to learn a routine I want to change and become a clean and tidy person. My kids shouldn’t have to walk over wet towels and crisp packets to come to my bed. I’m mortified.

Can anyone please help?

If I put the kids in charge of their own washing it would half the pile I need to tackle so I’ll definitely give it a go.

I only iron school uniform (3 minutes before we need to leave the house each morning obviously) and ‘fancy clothes’.

I really do struggle with striving for perfection. I need to try and stop that. It’s just so hard.

I've recently discovered 'how to adhd'. It's a bit over charismatic for my liking (you'll see what I mean) but each little YouTube video focuses on how to get certain tasks done or how to manage certain aspects of ADHD.

There's also useful info on just understanding the condition which I really think is important to try to chip away at the self-loathing element of it with some acceptance that this is brain chemicals at work rather than a choice to be lazy/disorganised.

It seems important to work with the ADHD rather than battle against the difficulties that ADHD presents with.

Putting pressure on ourselves to be better and then berating ourselves for failing is a cycle that needs breaking.

And then there's sleep. The fact we're up discussing this at 1am seems quite typical of ADHD but really doesn't help matters.

[quote fastnfurious]@MiniMum97 reading this thread has been quite eye opening for me, Im just realising I have a lot of ADHD tendencies and I've never even thought about it before because (probably quite closed minded tbh) I did well in school and I'm intelligent but now I'm looking at it starting tasks is the hardest thing, time management for me is through the floor, I'm restless, forgetful which I thought might be stress, sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode with pressure, I'm loud, quite situationally unaware especially of others [/quote]
Really glad it's been helpful to you. Certainly sounds like you have some ADHD traits there.

I did well at school. Found GCSEs really easy and didn't have to work. A Levels caught me out and didn't do as well I I should have done as I just didn't put the work in required for A levels. Lots of problems with not completing work at all or on time. Went to uni and did well there but luckily for me you didn't get docked marks for handing in work late as I handed nearly everything piece of work in late. Loads of leaving things to the last minute and pulling all nighters on pro plus.

I find it very stressful trying to organise myself. I can't have too much planned in. If I have an appointment to get to on a day. I can't really focus on doing anything else. And I feel anxious, worried I think that I'm going to forget to go or forget about something I need to do before I can go. Or just thinking about what I need to do to get out of the house is anxiety provoking.

Stress can produce similar symptoms to some ADHD symptoms but my ADHD is there all the time (I get better and worse days but the symptoms don't come and go with my periods of anxiety if that makes sense) and I have had symptoms since prior to age 12. If it were stress and anxiety causing the symptoms they would come and go with the stress or anxiety. My husband for example when he is stressed exhibits some ADHD type symptoms such as he gets forgetful and starts losing things but those symptoms are not there all the time.

Also there are symptoms such as having no internal clock so I am often surprised by the passing of time (I can be ahead or behind!). Stress also doesn't tend to make you procrastinate about everything - it might make you put off the thing you are stressed about but usually stress is a motivator albeit an unhealthy one.

Take small steps (well you have to do that anyway over all your clothes) but start clearing bit by bit if you can't face a very big clear up. Once you have made a little progress, with a bit of clearance, it might give you some incentive to do more, and make you feel better when you get more space. Your family need to be with you on this also.

Maybe chuck some stuff away that you are fed up with,or don't wear or use anymore.

@MassiveTBRpile

Fast you sound like me. All the online tests for inattentive ADHD I score 10/10 100% every time.

I’ll look into seeing someone again Mini. The woman I saw was absolutely useless trying to tell me I’m just stressed and people with ADHD can’t normally have a job. Yes I’m stressed because my brain doesn’t function properly to allow me to love a normal life so that everything I do has to be so much harder than it should be. Yes I’m stressed. Fix the problem with my brain and watch the stress disappear

That's ridiculous. I have a job and have had one for most of the last 20 years. Loads of people with ADHD work and can be very successful. There's quite a good podcast which gives examples of this (that's not all it's about!) called ADHD for smart ass women which might be worth checking out.

Makes me do cross. I've heard lots of this sort of rubbish from other ADHDers who have heard this from medical professionals who obviously know nothing about ADHD. Not having a job is not one of the diagnostic criteria!!

@INeedNewShoes

And then there's sleep. The fact we're up discussing this at 1am seems quite typical of ADHD but really doesn't help matters.

Yes you are right. I am currently sleep procrastinating. My worse symptom that I am supposed to be working so I am off to bed. Will check back in the morning (aka afternoon).

Lovely to speak with you all!! Hope you remember to come back tomorrow 😊

The other thing that works for me is playing music or listening to some podcasts or bbc drama/short stories on YouTube. It helps with the boredom aspect!
Often, I’ll chat to my mum or a friend while I clean. I’m quite efficient multitasking but seem to find it hard to focus on one task.
I score highly on adhd quizzes too but I have ideas of how I want to live, what I want to achieve and how I want my dc to be brought up so I have a checklist every day and really try to achieve those things.
Some days I do, some days I don’t but it’s helped to keep things at a standard that’s pretty much acceptable.
I struggle and have to kick my arse every day. But I remind myself that all I’ll be doing if I don’t do my tasks is arsing about on my phone anyway.

@INeedNewShoes

I've recently discovered 'how to adhd'. It's a bit over charismatic for my liking (you'll see what I mean) but each little YouTube video focuses on how to get certain tasks done or how to manage certain aspects of ADHD.

There's also useful info on just understanding the condition which I really think is important to try to chip away at the self-loathing element of it with some acceptance that this is brain chemicals at work rather than a choice to be lazy/disorganised.

It seems important to work with the ADHD rather than battle against the difficulties that ADHD presents with.

Putting pressure on ourselves to be better and then berating ourselves for failing is a cycle that needs breaking.

Excellent advice. Especially the not beating yourself up bit.

Am def going to bed now!!

Night all 😊

Also, don’t eat crisps in bedrooms.

I have got a bit more organised through time, some things that help:
-make sure there is enough storage and space for everything, makes it so much easier.
-Have a weekend to get on top of it as a one off, it's a lot easier to maintain something once clean and tidy than to keep fighting a losing battle.
-Having less clothes really helps, doesn't mean you have to go minimalist, but it will make a huge difference to cut down.
-Pick times when you do something routinely anyway, eg brushing your teeth, before you have dinner, take a bin bag and do a quick sweep of a room to throw away rubbish. Doing this for only a couple of minutes at a time will really add up. Have a storage container you can throw anything random on the floor that needs keeping.
-Make sure family are doing their bit.

You might like this blog, OP:

www.aslobcomesclean.com/new-here/

I found it very motivating and comforting!!

Maybe set a timer for 10 minutes and do as much as you in that time. It can be easier to start when you give yourself permission to stop

Honestly, The Organised Mum Method is a total game change. Get the app and join the facebook group. As an example, there’s a lady called Fliss (search her posts) in the FB who has just transformed her home over 14 weeks in 30mins per day. It’s an amazing method.

100% agree with a PP that less stuff is the key. When starting over as a single mum I had nothing. Bought 5 plates, 5 bowls, 5 cups, and 5 sets of cutlery. There's no choice but to clean it or you have nothing to eat on! No more cups left in the kids rooms etc.

We also had hardly any clothes and had to wash overnight to wear the next day. This habit has lasted. I don't use the dryer except for towels and sheets. This started because it broke but then became an easy habit - what I do is wash clothes every night. Hang up the clothes on hangers to dry. In the morning they are usually dry (unless something very thick/heavy) and I put them directly away. It has completely changed my life from when I used to have overflowing clothes baskets and everything seemed so overwhelming. My kids are now used to putting their clothes straight in the washing machine when they get changed lol. (I also don't bother to separate)

I love the advice above that just basically says "develop new habits and don't do that shit" like routine is just a casual option for those with ADHD. 😄

OP, I feel for you. Medication can help but it's not the holy grail and it won't necessarily turn you into a person with normal habits. There are people who will offer therapy related ideas and that's great but for short term relief this woman wants to tell you about the magic of BOXES! The clutter will upset and overwhelm you and organisation often takes something you don't always have readily available, so give yourself a break. Buy a couple of big ottoman style boxes and if you can't find the organiser energy on any given day, give yourself a space to just dump the pile of stuff you need to organise later on and close that lid. When you have a good day, you can go in and sort it out. Or someone else can. Whatevs.

Is it ideal? No, but there's honestly no such thing as ideal. There's not a magical cure. But giving yourself some space will make your head happy and more capable of hitting other stuff head on.

Do what you need to do, even if it seems weird to other people.

Oh and OP, please feel free to message for non judgy ADHD-friendly advice. I can't promise when I'll reply but reply I will. 😉

I have a relative with adhd and she is bursting with ideas and enthusiasm but will literally step over an old project as she’s got excited about a new one. Hates throwing things out. Couldn’t have a cleaner as too messy for them to clean!

I’d suggest:
Cut back on stuff in general.

Look at areas where stuff seems to gather and aim for one area only (clutter attracts clutter)
Tubs or drawers rather than hangers so clothes go away quickly.

Set a timer for just 10m (or do ad-break tidy up)
Write down tasks you’ve done and tick off to get the feeling of accomplishment going and so you can see where your time is spent.
Look at proper storage solutions- if you have a laundry area, could you make better use of the space?

Sadly, You have to accept with washing and pots that it’s an ongoing thing!

Do you have the right equipment? If you have a dishwasher & tumble dryer life’s easier. I have a robo hoover too.

He’s going to do my bedroom and en-suite later.

Rules help.

Never leave a room empty handed. Don't leave a room unless it's in the condition you want to walk into next time.

OHIO: only handle it once. Which basically means start and finish any job.

The laundry is trickier because it has so many stages. But take 2 hours out of your day today and focus on those baskets. Get a bag ready for the charity shop. Tackle your wardrobe first. Gwg rid of anything you don't wear or like into the charity bag. Make sure there's room for all of the clothes you do wear. Don't go tk bed tonight until it's done.

Then you'll need a system to handle the clean clothes as they arrive.

It's having discipline around a shit job. Noone really wants to spend their life putting away clothes, but if you want the kind of life where your clothes are away, you have to make the time to actually do it. Sucks though!

FlyLady is one of the best systems for people with ADHD.

I was recently diagnosed with Combined Type ADHD, and was shocked that I'm considered severely impaired. I used Psych UK and paid privately as I couldn't wait any longer as I was at crisis point, about to go into Y2 of my Microbiology degree, 3 DC and single.

I have a cleaner for 3 hours a week.

I've been on meds for a week, the lowest dose and fuck me, I am now not surprised I am considered severely impaired. Just the small amount of meds I'm on and the difference its made is mind blowing. I still jump from task to task, but I now get about half the task done before OO SHINY and go to another.

My executive function is almost non existent.

Over the summer, I got rid of a LOT of stuff, mostly clothes, swapped from drawers to a wardrobe because fuck folding clothes any more. Anything that can't be hung up are in labelled boxes at the bottom of the wardrobe.

ADDitude has great free resources aimed at women with ADHD.

OHIO doesn't work for anyone with ADHD. It's not that simple for us, unfortunately. It's not a lack of discipline.

I have adhd and I feel your pain! I managed to improve my floordrobe situation over a few years by layering new habits. So my first rule was that dirty clothes should go in the laundry basket (or on the floor next to it, being real) - zoning it to one area (easier for my brain to process). Then trying to do one wash a week so it doesn’t build up. The key for me is to make it a game (find all the dirty laundry!) then to celebrate my achievement when i did it (go me!). I do enjoy having a clear(er) floor and feeling like adulting is possible.
I am not always great at remembering I have a wash to hang out (I am trying timers). I am still working on putting dry stuff away, honestly, it can sit there for a week or so. My DP does his own laundry, thankfully.
Another thing that helps is I have got into a little routine on saturday am of gathering any dirty laundry into baskets, making a little queue of baskets in the hallway as a visual reminder do when I walk past them it reminds me to put on a wash. Aim of game is to clear baskets by end of sunday. Gamification really does make it easier somehow

@FromTheAllotment

You might like this blog, OP:

www.aslobcomesclean.com/new-here/

I found it very motivating and comforting!!

This woman changed my life.

I also like Lisa Woodruff of organize 365 and Clutterbug (both do a lot about ADHD).

* Lying here now there’s at least 3 baskets full of clean washing that teeter on the brink o collapse, random bits of rubbish all over the floor, dirty cups etc.*

“Lying there”??

I could not sit down with that kind of mess around me. Let alone lie there!