How do I become a normal person in terms of housekeeping?

[MassiveTBRpile]

The living room is somewhat passable but the kitchen and my bedroom are just awful.

Lying here now there’s at least 3 baskets full of clean washing that teeter on the brink o collapse, random bits of rubbish all over the floor, dirty cups etc. It’s like those awful bedrooms of teenagers that you hear about but I’m over 30! You can’t just walk from the bed to the door, you have to walk around and over things.

It makes life so difficult and exhausting. Getting dressed isn’t just getting dressed. It’s tipping basketfuls of washing onto the bed to find what I need then spending 10 minutes every night putting it back in the baskets only to repeat that process every single day. My OHs side of the bed is practically carpeted in clean washing that has fallen out of said baskets.

I fully understand this is not right. This is not how a family home should be but I can’t fix it. It’s no excuse but I have suspected ADHD so issues with executive function. There is just never a time I can say to myself ‘X Y Z needs done, best pop off and do it’ - it always has to wait until it just can’t wait why longer and is making life completely impossible.

I know about Flylady and TOMM etc but none of it helps. I don’t want to learn a routine I want to change and become a clean and tidy person. My kids shouldn’t have to walk over wet towels and crisp packets to come to my bed. I’m mortified.

Can anyone please help?

Op I feel you, we have 3 kids that go through clothes like crazy and I feel like all I ever do is moving clothes do be the house to he washed and dried and then... Stuck in baskets on the floor.
I think like others have said, we just have too much stuff.
With toiletries I went through and found the stuff with seals and donated it. I went through what was left and chucked a load that was old or I wouldn't reasonably use within a year. I hated that, it felt like such waste but it all ends up in the bin or washed down the shower eventually so doing it on one go meant I could tidy what I had left and keep it organised.
Clothes o try to be really good with bagging it for charity shops although the bags tend to linger, esp with so many shops not taking stuff...

I've tried TOMM and a few other apps but I just never find those 15 minutes without a kid crying or needing me before I'm exhausted by 9 and then sleep badly so can't get up extra early to do it then

I have 3/4 Aldi bags for life full of clothes that I’ve sadly outgrown that I feel quite attached to. I’ve always planned that I’d either fit back into them one day or sell them because they are all in good condition. It’s probably been about 2 years now. What should I do with these. I do feel sad and upset at the thought of throwing them away or donating them but they’re taking up a fair bit of wardrobe space. What would you get is you took them for Cash for Clothes etc, or are they good enough to sell as a bundle online?
I picked a few (2 or 3 ) favourite bits I really wanted as motivation but the rest has to go. Yes I have a bag in the garage, in taking to myself too 🤣🤣

I’m amazed I’m now an adult who makes my bed each day, I never ever thought that would be me so if I can just add in another little habit or two.

Yes, that's the spirit! I think good habits breed other good habits. The more proud of yourself you are for taking some little steps, the more confidence you'll have to take more.

The most effective bit of my new routine for me is my morning routine (which comes up as a tick list on my app). It starts: "make bed, put wash on, feed pets" and also includes "check calendar, check dinner plans for tonight, 5 minute sweep around house to tidy" and a few other little things. They don't actually take long at all to do, but starting my day by ticking all 12 of them off makes me feel super organised and happy to tackle the rest of the day. If I didn't have them on a tick list, I'd spread them throughout the day and probably not get around to half of them! But this way they are done by 9:30.

First of all, OP is normal. Most people have messy houses a lot of the time. And too much stuff.

I am still learning how to declutter, but what helps me is that if I get rid of 1000 things and then regret & miss 100 of those things -- wow, I got rid of 900 things I didn't need. Result.

My other strategy is to try to never buy anything. It can't become my future clutter if it never got past my doorway.

It sounds like OP has some great ideas how to become the more tidy person they want to become. It's hard to change habits but people can do this. The more you have the habit to tidy & keep tidy, the easier it gets to do it daily without it feeling like an impossible chore. So do something daily even if it feels almost impossible. Routine is good for supporting habits.

Is it weird that I just feel so sad about letting those clothes go? I’m not a hoarder but I feel like giving them up is a big thing. Especially when there are items I would probably end up buying again or similar in the future. There’s some summer clothes that would do for a holiday we have booked next year if I could slim into them and I’ll feel annoyed at having to buy new clothes if I throw them. Is it because I feel like I’m accepting not losing weight if I throw them?

I probably wouldn’t get much for them tbh. Not enough to make it worth my while taking the time to advertise them etc. If I was getting rid it would make sense to donate them.

I do understand why people can’t even imagine people would allow their lives to continue like this. It was late when I posted last night and I was in bed. It’s not like I was just laying around in the middle of the day surrounded by mess. But tbh I do do that.

Sleeping I’m sorry you can relate. Clothes are just such a huge issue aren’t they? And I feel the same, just exhausted by every day things because everything is so difficult when you’re surrounded by mess so at night I just collapse on the sofa.

Every thing you let go of in life creates a space for other new lovely things to happen. x

I hold attachments to clothes too and I find it hard to get rid. I always have a Charity bag on the go as my two grow so quickly at the minute and as soon as I notice something doesn't fit I tell them to put it in the charity bag. I always try to add an item or two of my own to the bag before I put it in one if those charity clothes bins at the supermarket car park. This happens every few months usually (damn teenage growth spurts lol)

I also like to save interesting podcasts etc 4 times when I'm doing chores, having something enjoyable and interesting to listen to really does help 🌞

I think the thing to try and maje yourself remember is that getting things done will make you feel much better than slumping on the sofa surrounded by mess. Guilty, defeated, overwhelmed slumping isn't really so relaxing. Well-earned slumping in tidy surroundings is a whole different level of relaxing and enjoyable!

The other day for the first time in my life I went to make my bed and found it was already made! I had made it in my half asleep funk at 5.30am. I thought there was no way I'd have done it, but obviously it's getting in somehow!

One thing that's helped for me is "the toothbrush idea" Even really disorganised people tend to have items that have a home. For most people that is the place they put their toothbrush. Now you just roll that out to other objects. Start with the things you use the most. Keys, phone, bag, cost, shoes, remote control, headphones. Everything you use needs a permanent home. I still never lose my toothbrush. But now that I never lose my keys, the tv remote, etc. I gain so much time and peace. It's so simple and has genuinely improved my life massively

The woman I saw was absolutely useless trying to tell me I’m just stressed and people with ADHD can’t normally have a job

I am probably ADHD. I have had jobs. In fact I have had so many jobs I have stopped counting. (More than 25 and less than 100)

In fact because of this virus I have started to do some agency work.

My issue is I get bored very very quickly.
Done it for 3 days. I am so bored. I haven’t worked in paid employment for years so really haven’t mixed outside my own circle of friends and people who I have employed who come in, do the job then leave.

I am on to the next job next week and it is a good thing because I think I would have exploded at each one of the people I worked with for different reasons because they were getting to me.
It is the complete crap they talk.

Dd has done this type of work before in the same place and she was amazed how quickly I summed up everyone. Sent her a text about 5 minutes after I started

If it is anything like this week I will probably end up getting ear buds to drown out the crap talk or walking out.

I really haven’t got the patience any more.
Not that I had it in the first place.

I hate putting clean washing away but I've found it much easier lately by listening to a podcast or audio book. If I have something I want to listen to, I plug in my earphones, shut the door and think of it as me time, and I don't resent the task so much.

We were very much like this, but then a few months ago we found out we had mice (we're in a row of terraces and we all get them from time to time). I said to DP that enough was enough and we simply had to clear out now, or we'd never get rid of them. So we took one room at a time, bagged everything up we didn't need, and took it to the tip. The only room that is still an absolute hole is DSS's bedroom, as he refused to do anything about it. But whatever. I keep the door closed and move on.

Once you've tidied everything up, its MUCH easier to keep on top of. Have set days to do your washing, and wash, dry and put away the same day. Why are you even getting your clothes out of baskets to put them on? They should be in drawers or wardrobes, so make that your first task, and get your husband to help you.

If it helps, set an alarm on your phone for the same time every day, and tell yourself that you HAVE to do something productive at this time. Whether that's deal with a basket of washing, clean the kitchen - whatever. It helps to have a deadline and a reminder.

Good luck. We're trying very very hard to stay on top of things right now, as we don't want to have to spend a fortnight cleaning and tidying EVER again!!

(And FWIW we managed to get rid of the mice - trapped 5 and not heard so much as a scamper for a few weeks so we think they're gone now).

God I'm so glad this thread exists! One of my siblings has recently been diagnosed ADHD and after researching it so I could understand the condition better it was like a lightbulb moment for me, after dropping out of school/uni/numerous jobs and being incapable of organising/doing anything for long-term gratification, I think I may have it too. It doesn't help that we live together either, just the two of us, the house is a disgrace and we just can't have people over because it's too overwhelming to even know where to begin. I'll be following with interest!

I do have ADHD. Diagnosed when I was 39/40 can’t remember exactly my age at the time. My husband also is diagnosed with ADD. So we joke between the two of us, we have one brain cell that we share for housekeeping. It truly takes both of us working together to get things done.

As others have said, the first step is to winnow down your stuff. This is a major job, and one I would never get done without my DH to be my buddy. In your shoes, I’d enlist your DH and say, hey can we each weekend go through one room and put stuff in a keep, charity or bin category? Then my DH would put it on calendar and I’d motIvate him on the day and we’d keep each other focussed on the task. After a big clearout, set a month where once a year you will do this again. I have set myself a rule if I don’t wear or use something for a year, it’s gone. I don’t need it. Out it goes. (Excluding sentimental things).
So, you now have less stuff. If rooms are especially dirty, schedule a deep clean weekend with DH helping you, and children if they are old enough.
Now for day to day housekeeping it will be easier with house starting clean and less stuff cluttering things. So, we have a rota. It lists what we do each day and also what week/month it is (sheet washing week or dusting week or curtain washing month etc). For example, every Friday is towel washing day. My best advice to you is get a tumble dryer! I would be exactly as you are without mine. Having to hang dry everything makes the job take too long and laundry just piles up, things don’t get washed as often as they should be etc. They are very energy efficient today and much cheaper than any laundry service.
We also have habits we have developed ie..wash all dishes after every meal. Run dishwasher every night. Empty it every morning before eating breakfast or feeding cats. (We take turns).

I'm a naturally messy lazy person, no underlying issues, so this might not work for you. But I believe if you can get dressed you can do all the stages of laundry. If you can wash yourself you can do dishes. If you can eat crisps you can put the empty bag in the bin. How you ingrain those habits is the tricky part. The first lot have an obvious pay off. The second lot feel hard. But the pay off is ... the house won't depress you!

FlyLady and TOMM exist because LOADS of us struggle with this. Have a look at Unfuck Your Habitat. She is much more gentle in getting started, the concept is to do a bit and rest a bit.

See what you can do, and if it helps you to keep checking in here, go for it. I don't judge, lest I be judged.

Pretty much any job that appears like an elephant to you (but to normal people not a big job), what can work is to break it down into bite size chunks. For example, we are in the midst of repainting the interior walls in our home. DH and I have decided we’ll do one wall a day on weekends that aren’t busy. We just don’t have the focus to do it even one room at a time. We have one whole room done so far ....it may take months, but we’ll eventually get there.

The alarm suggestion is good. I use that as well. One saying I read is “never underestimate the power of ten minutes”. In ten minutes you can wipe all kitchen counters. Or iron one shirt. Or sweep kitchen floor. Or hoover a room.

I am an absolute neat freak, and my house is show home standards most of the time, but I could honestly weep at the amount of washing there is on a daily basis.
You don't say how old your kids are, but get them involved. It does sound like you have too many clothes.
Get kids to pick 14 pairs of socks each, and dump the rest. I like to have about 2 weeks worth of clothing. Definitely keep enough underwear, nightwear etc for a 14 night holiday, that's a reasonable amount.

If you have a car, that makes things easier, you can dump things in a clothing bank.
On the cups front, you should only ever have one cup in use. If going downstairs to make a drink, take dirty cup with you, and wash it up while the kettle boils. That way you will only ever have one cup in use.
Same for kids, if they drink squash or whatever. They need to bring the used cup back to the kitchen for a wash and re-fill.
A job for today. Take a bin bag, and chuck all crisp packets, rubbish in it today and get it in the outside bin. Go round the house, or get kids to help, finding rubbish.
Clear your wardrobes of stuff that's not wearable, so you can get the basket stuff put away. Don't keep anything stained, ripped or tatty.

I am without a doubt naturally messy. I bought a dryer. It's a game changer. We were always behind on washing and there's only two of us because I hate hanging clothes on an airer, now clothes go straight from the washing machine to the dryer. I also got rid of my washing basket so I have to just take things and put them away.

Start small

OMG it’s like reading my own thoughts. I haven’t read the rest of the thread yet but just wanted to reach out and say you’re not alone and you’re not lazy and it’s fucking hard. I have been investigating my own executive function for months because it’s affecting this and my business hugely. It takes SO long to do anything.

YY to a drier

Dishwashers are Marvellous too wish I had space

TOMM probably doesn't work because you need to declutter and bootcamp first. I have ASC and have terrible executive functioning and my house was like yours until a few months ago. A friend with ADHD recommended TOMM after she got sick of me moaning about my shitty house. Mess stresses me out so I was constantly in a state of high anxiety. I do my own tweaked version of TOMM now and life is so much calmer as I do a little every day rather than letting it pile up to insurmountable proportions.

I have suspected adhd too and what I do is put a meditation for adhd track on, with youtube and I tell myself that every time my mind gets bored or tells me I'm tired or tells me about a different job that needs doing, that it is literally a symptom of adhd and to ignore it and keep going. It is uncomfortable as anything but it gets the job doing.

I'm the same with not being able to cope with things that dont have a place being in the wrong place so for those things I make a basket or bag and throw them all in as miscellaneous and then go through them one by one once the house is tidy and try to concentrate hard on thinking of the right place for each one. Even if I'm slow, I keep going. And write down your procrastination triggers or what procrastination looks like for you, so that you can realise what you're doing when you're doing it, and stop yourself.

Also focus on one room at a time or one big job, like okay I'm going to start with getting all the clothes put away and in the wash and then you clear a huge chunk at a time.

I struggle getting rid of things, especially toys/kids clothes. I find it really helps me to take a photo of the thing, then for some reason I don’t feel I’ve ‘lost’ it. I do need to keep on top of possessions because I’m easily overwhelmed with too much stuff, especially near Christmas.