How do I become a normal person in terms of housekeeping?

[MassiveTBRpile]

The living room is somewhat passable but the kitchen and my bedroom are just awful.

Lying here now there’s at least 3 baskets full of clean washing that teeter on the brink o collapse, random bits of rubbish all over the floor, dirty cups etc. It’s like those awful bedrooms of teenagers that you hear about but I’m over 30! You can’t just walk from the bed to the door, you have to walk around and over things.

It makes life so difficult and exhausting. Getting dressed isn’t just getting dressed. It’s tipping basketfuls of washing onto the bed to find what I need then spending 10 minutes every night putting it back in the baskets only to repeat that process every single day. My OHs side of the bed is practically carpeted in clean washing that has fallen out of said baskets.

I fully understand this is not right. This is not how a family home should be but I can’t fix it. It’s no excuse but I have suspected ADHD so issues with executive function. There is just never a time I can say to myself ‘X Y Z needs done, best pop off and do it’ - it always has to wait until it just can’t wait why longer and is making life completely impossible.

I know about Flylady and TOMM etc but none of it helps. I don’t want to learn a routine I want to change and become a clean and tidy person. My kids shouldn’t have to walk over wet towels and crisp packets to come to my bed. I’m mortified.

Can anyone please help?

I've not done precisely this myself so apologies if unworkable, but here is an idea:

As a way of taking surplus clothes out of circulation, don't get rid of them, pack them into suitcases. If you can keep on top of the normally circulating clothes, you have a reward waiting for you. Packing for next time you go on holiday is DONE.

It also means you have got an emergency set to dig into if you have serious problems ever (illness etc). There is a lot of fear mixed into procrastination and knowing you have a backup should you need it will help. (But you're not going to tuck into it and ruin it for Trivial reasons because see above)

I haven't done it with clothes but I keep toiletries prepacked in a wash bag and my reward for keeping it tidy is I zip it up and Chuck it in a bag if I want to travel somewhere.

Another suggestions for A Slob Comes Clean, but I listen to the podcast. Ignore the insinuation that I’m calling you a slob, I am not. It is someone who (like me) struggles with maintaining a house and gives good tip and advice for people like us.

Half an hour’s ironing very morning at 1000 am.

You could also look at "A Secret Slob" on YouTube who is realistic about life with children. I don't think she does anything about ADHD, but she's got a step-by-step 21 days to a clean home which I found really useful

Nothing worked for me until I realised I deserved to live in a nice, homely home. Being messy was a kind of subconscious self harm, perpetuating the emotional neglect I had experienced in childhood, including the way I berated myself for struggling with it.

After I had worked through that, I started with baby steps. I made and kept one room nice. For laundry we wash and sort everything together on a Sunday evening.

I totally agree about washing! So many stages. Plus I think when you are trying to tidy it feels so good to put the machine on and you can do loads then remember it all needs dried and put away too! We often have a wet load on top of the machine waiting to be rinsed because no one hung it up

I see some other people have recommended A Slob Comes Clean - she had a problem with the ‘one load a day’ laundry system and so went to a designated Laundry Day - could help you?

www.aslobcomesclean.com/2012/12/my-laundry-metamorphosis/

I totally agree with Allington. When you really can't or don't want to start a horrible task set a timer and make yourself. Set it for just a small amount of time so mentally you know you can stop in say 5 or 10 mins but this gets you started and most times you will find that you can make good progress with that amount of time and chances are you'll carry on. Also I try to fit in small jobs if I'm boiling the kettle for a cuppa.
Laundry is such a pain. I put a wash on everyday and hang it out as soon as it's finished. I used to iron everything until we went into lockdown and I thought 'whats the point', this has carried on and I've only ironed a couple of items that were not hung out straight away. Even school shirts are fine if hung up.
Good luck to you, it's horrible when you feel a bit swamped but little and often and with the rest of the familys help hopefully you can make progress

I also meant to say that I read somewhere that your house can only hold so much stuff and if you buy something you should consider getting rid of something to balance it out and I try to keep that in mind.

My tip with washing (at least when it’s drying inside) is not to use a basket for dry clean washing. I take it off the drier by the person who it belongs to, upstairs in my arms, and then put it away. The only exception is the ironing pile which is my nemesis! Putting dry washing in a basket means it just sits there. Also we have one collapsible basket for moving it around so I bee it for the next load!

If you can't face a big clean up in one go, look at Motivated Moms. It's American, but most of the chores apply. You get a list every day of basic chores and a couple of less regular jobs. If you do it every day you'll slowly get on top of everything.
In tour position, I'd start with clearing up the dirty plates and rubbish, then break down the rest to say, 10 pieces of laundry a day to sort, put away etc. Don't try and do it all at once, you'll be overwhelmed and won't get it all done in Andy, making you feel crap.

@janetmendoza you are absolutely right. My house is a tip because we have far too much stuff. Mostly clothes, books and toiletries.

I need to sort out the old clothes that I never wear that are taking up all the space, then I could put the clothes I do wear away.
I need to use up all my existing toiletries and not buy more.
I need to get rid of tatty paperbacks I didn't enjoy, but the rest are staying!

I would often feel really overwhelmed with tidying up and leave it until I set a rule for for myself: I have to do 4 tasks daily tasks:

1. Run the dishwasher
2. One load laundry (wash, dry, put away).
3. Make beds
4. Wipe counter tops.

I then do 1 other task from my weekly list (hoover, mop or whatever).

Overtime my house has become reasonably clean and tidy because I have such a small manageable list it actually gets done.

OP, I don't have ADHD but I do recognise the way you talk about your house, and I have tendencies to avoid tasks.

I know you said you want to change rather than have a routine, but in my experience only having a routine helped me change. If I don't have routine, things don't get done, because I've learned that I simply can't rely on myself to spontaneously spot what needs doing and go and do it!

Two things have helped me - 1) a bullet journal, which is a system designed by a guy with ADHD to sort himself out and 2) an app called Lady Fly. It's loosely based on Fly Lady but much simpler. I find the Fly Lady website a bit cumbersome and annoying although the basic idea is sound.

I would really recommend The Minimal Mom on You Tube who is a big advocate of reducing your inventory of stuff - less stuff equals less to manage. Her videos are very inspiring and actually helpful about how to think about decluttering. Also Erica Lucas, who has gone from an insanely cluttered untidy house to a more ordered existence and documented it all and her process of change.

I put the clean laundry on my bed so that I physically cannot get into bed workout putting it away. 90% of the time I just put it away. The other 10% I'm still working on! I don't have a spare basket for it now. Sometimes I put it away before it gets as far as my bed. Those are good days! I also hang things on the airer on hangers and can literally just transfer to the wardrobe once dry. I don't have an ironing pile. I am never going to be that person. I have a section of clothes in my wardrobe that need ironing. Mostly I just don't wear them.

My kitchen. I spend 15 mins in there morning and evening. I do dishes and a wipe down. I don't put stuff on the floor (even for 5 minutes). I used to put bags of shopping down, put the perishables away, and then just have these bags loitering for days. Now my bags get folded up and put away so I don't have anywhere to house miscellaneous items (as I have also got rid of the baskets!)

We only eat at the dining table or in the kitchen. That's a BIG one for me. But I had to do it too. I couldn't tell my kids to sit at the table and then take the pizza box to bed.

I plan time to clean. I put music on I like. I plan a playlist and an audible book to listen to and a couple of podcasts to chose from. I don't let myself listen to those unless I'm doing the housework. So it's almost become something to look forward to.

I got the right tools and chemicals. Makes it work quicker. I actually read packets and manuals too so I'm using things properly. It's amazing how much more effective a hoover can be if you know the right settings!

I get my kids involved (a bit). Just simple put toys away, put laundry in the hamper, dirty plates in the sink, etc. They don't always do it and I don't get cross. But I do praise heavily when they help and over time they are helping more and more. Sometimes they do things spontaneously, like put the bath toys away, their shoes on the rack or their wrappers in the bin. These are small changes but it makes me feel like I'm not a slave just a mum!

I think I have some ADD/ADHD or other similar issue too so it's been my life's work to get a system to keep me house clean and tidy. It does not come naturally to me and I am not there yet! But I have made a lot of progress. The only clean and tidy room of my house used to be the bathroom (on a good day). Now there's usually only one room at a time that's a bit grim and even then nowhere looks like an episode of hoarders anymore!

Just little regular changes you can sustain. I know that Schedules work for some people but they never have for me. I'm better with rules like: don't cook if their are dishes/sides need wiping down. Don't eat unless dining tables clean. Don't leave the bathroom without cleaning one thing. Etc.

I've recently got on top of things at home and have to tell you something blindingly obvious - everything is easy and you get loads more time when it's all clear. I could have told you that before but I honestly didn't know the feeling of it. The sheer amount of mental space available, streamlined tasks so things really take seconds to do and the single source of greatest relief to me is not staying on a roundabout of thought, 'I need to do x but have to do y first and if only z wasn't an issue, oh fuck it'. For me, it was being stuck at home and tackling one part of something. Honestly, I would put away clothes (or put bigger child's outgrown clothes in storage bag for younger child) in just one section of my room and then hoover and even dust that section and it looked like an oasis. That was really pleasing and immediate. It compelled me to do the next section so then a quarter of the room looked gorgeous. Previously I'd not be able to do it because I couldn't face sorting through all the old clothes, all the old toys, all the mixed up photos and so on.

Throwing a lot out really, really helped. Biggest tip ever for me was to start before you're ready, before you've had a zillion thoughts about it. I'd get help in now at this stage if you can afford it, take all laundry for service wash, drop everything to dry cleaners if needed, throw out every mug you never really liked and so on. The 'perfection' element crippled me. I really believed I had to sell, donate, recycle and upcycle all my stuff before I could do anything else. I've just taken stuff to the tip and put it in appropriate bins. If anything still seems good at the tip I've dropped at charity shops on the way home. Reconciled myself with getting rid of all things having added square feet to my property without spending a penny (it's true!).

Once the bulky stuff has gone for washing, to tip, charity or wherever book a cleaner or cleaning team in for a few hours, it will reduce workload and it will be motivation to keep on top and you may then want to book a couple of hours every week going down to bi-weekly if it's all working out. Rules help us too. We never, ever, ever eat upstairs. 90% of time in dining room with a pass for tea in front of a film on Fridays. I wash dishes, brush floor and wipe down surfaces after every evening meal and I love the freedom I get in the evening. There's a big self-fulfilling thing going on at the other side, it really can change.

I really, really hope this, and the marvellous advice from PP helps. You are not the problem here, there is too much to tackle and there are too many thoughts but it will change. Good luck.

Following with interest as I really struggle with the same things and also suspect ADHD.

I live on my own which is glorious, and partly a blessing (no one else to add to the mess) and partly a curse (no one to help me tackle the overwhelm). I mainly just live in a disaster zone then my lovely Mum comes and helps me blitz every few months.

I'd love to just be able to stay on top of it though.

@Atadaddicted

* Lying here now there’s at least 3 baskets full of clean washing that teeter on the brink o collapse, random bits of rubbish all over the floor, dirty cups etc.*

“Lying there”??

I could not sit down with that kind of mess around me. Let alone lie there!

Think the OP was looking for helpful, constructive advice rather than derision.

It's all about organisation and motivation. Neither is a quick fix but it's something to aim for.

If you can afford to invest in some practical organisational furniture that will help.

I am OCD so I'm the other extreme, I have a strict schedule of what is done and when, how it's done and if it's not I can't relax. I also have 3 kids ranging from under 1 up to 8. So it's not always an easy task.

Baby steps - you'll get there.

I relate to so much of your post. I am diagnosed with ASD and my executive function is poor. I struggle with organisation and routines and constant,y struggle with housework. I really hate clutter and am a minimalist at heart so piles of things around me really affects my mental health. I seem to swing between having a lovely perfect house and levels of mess which I find overwhelming. My husband also has ASD and a busy job so although he tries he isn’t a lot of help tbh.
I have tried TOMM and Flylady before and they work for a couple of weeks but I cannot sustain the routine.
The things which I am able to do consistently are: one load of washing a day and putting it out to dry the same day. I then put it away at the same time as I remove it from the airer. I also do a little tidying/ cleaning every day which seems to mostly keep on top of things, no particular routine as to what I do each day though. I make sure the bathroom is always kept clean... aim to give a quick wipe down every day but sometimes it’s every couple of days. Always wash pots daily, but husband does them on his day off as I really struggle with sensory issues re washing up and touching dirty plates, but also can’t wear gloves for the same reasons. I don’t iron clothes unless I really need to (pretty rare as I choose fabrics that don’t need ironing). And we invested in one of those robot vacuums which is fab for keeping the floors clean... another job I always seemed to forget until it got bad (we have pets so get a lot of fur). We programme that to come on every day and an added benefit is we have to keep the floors clear otherwise the vacuum chews things up/ gets stuck. It also helps me to not keep many items in the house so I regularly de clutter and am quite brutal with the amount of stuff we own, unfortunately this only gets me so far as my husband is a natural hoarder so I do what I can without touching his stuff. I am strict in that everything joint/ my stuff has to have a designated place so we know where everything belongs, and have even labelled a lot of our drawers/ cupboards etc. That may sounds crazy/ overkill to a lot of people but we really need it to function properly. We also have a rule that we both can put whatever we like on our own side tables in the lounge, but the coffee table stays clear and same with other surfaces. I also tune a blind eye to my husbands bedside table which is stacked high full of random stuff. This means that mess is limited to just a couple of small areas and everything else is reasonably tidy... I find this a liveable compromise and it only takes a couple of minutes to clear our tables if we are expecting guests. I understand your struggle with putting the laundry away cos I struggled with this more than anything else until I realised the other month that it takes me less than a minute to put away a full basket of washing... now it no longer seems this massive job and just isn’t worth the stress of not doing it and seeing it piled everywhere. Housework/ prepping dinner is made a lot easier by putting the radio on whilst I work. We still have bad weeks despite all this but things are generally decent and it all helps stop decending into complete chaos.

Omg so sorry that turned out so long!

Wow these replies are amazing thank you! So many websites and podcasts to check out when I get a minute.

It’s lovely to know I’m not alone and that other people struggle and have ultimately managed to overcome their struggles. What someone said about it making life easier not having to do three things before you do the thing you want or need to do rings so true. Everything feels like such an effort at the moment.

Rules I think I can implement with myself are not eating upstairs - that’s only really started with WFH because I work upstairs. Taking anything dirty down when I’m going etc. I’m amazed I’m now an adult who makes my bed each day, I never ever thought that would be me so if I can just add in another little habit or two.

Everyone else who has or suspects they have ADHD - it’s shit! And thank you for the ADHD specific tips and signposts because I think we do need to be doing things a bit differently to NT people. As an aside can anyone who used someone on Psych UK recommend anyone in particular to try and get an appointment with. I had a quick look last night and it seems a few specialise in adults with ADHD. Would be great to find someone who has an interest in women with ADHD because I do think we present differently especially as children.

Quite a good morning this morning because we have someone coming to the house to quote for work at 11. My OH is hear and between us we’ve managed to sort the bedroom a bit. The washing is still there to sort but the rest of the room you can at least move and there’s no rubbish etc so that’s good. Having a tradesperson come is the only sure fire way to get me to sort the place out to at least being ok enough for someone to see. Although I have been known to cancel and rearrange appointments because I’ve not managed to get it done in time

I have 3/4 Aldi bags for life full of clothes that I’ve sadly outgrown that I feel quite attached to. I’ve always planned that I’d either fit back into them one day or sell them because they are all in good condition. It’s probably been about 2 years now. What should I do with these. I do feel sad and upset at the thought of throwing them away or donating them but they’re taking up a fair bit of wardrobe space.

I have 3/4 Aldi bags for life full of clothes that I’ve sadly outgrown that I feel quite attached to. I’ve always planned that I’d either fit back into them one day or sell them because they are all in good condition. It’s probably been about 2 years now. What should I do with these. I do feel sad and upset at the thought of throwing them away or donating them but they’re taking up a fair bit of wardrobe space.

Once you’ve donated them, you will never need to think about them again. Someone else will get good use of them. And you’ll have space to choose new clothes you can use and appreciate and make good memories with.

Just do it. You’ll feel lighter.

@Atadaddicted

* Lying here now there’s at least 3 baskets full of clean washing that teeter on the brink o collapse, random bits of rubbish all over the floor, dirty cups etc.*

“Lying there”??

I could not sit down with that kind of mess around me. Let alone lie there!

Omg, you should go into inspirational speaking, you could motivate the world with your words if wisdom