Please will you kindly support and advise me, as I try to help a friend sort out his home?

[EatingTheElephantInChunks]

Yesterday I started to try to help a friend sort out his home. If I tell you that it took me nearly 3 hours to clear a space on the bathroom floor about 3ft x 4ft, you will probably understand how things are. Today I did a little better. In about 2 hours I cleared another space the same size, which meant I could open a cupboard. Two shelves were almost empty, so I was able to clean those and use them for storage. I will carry on next time with the other 2 shelves and continue clearing the bathroom floor.

It was very satisfying to get rid of a whole binbag of rubbish yesterday and a half bag today, plus a bag and a half of recycling, and a small bag of confidential waste to shred. There is a folding storage crate of things to keep so far, but I'll go through that again to see if I've missed anything that should be thrown out or recycled.

My friend has got into this situation after many years of serious illness and close bereavements, has no family left and few friends, certainly not really close ones. He has been at the stage for several years where he doesn't have visitors. He needs many repairs and much decorating doing, and is getting to the stage where carers visiting would be helpful. I am hoping to get him to the stage where that will be possible. He is such a nice guy, and it's a shame that life has gradually got smaller and smaller for him over the years. It must be terribly lonely.

I feel honoured that he has trusted me with the truth of how things are. I can't talk to anyone IRL as I know it's essential to protect his privacy, and I have changed my username in case anyone makes the connections. I could do with some mumsnet wisdom and support! I have never felt such a sense of achievement over a bit of floorspace 3ft x 4ft, but equally the enormity of the task hit me.

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The author - writing under the pseudonym EatingTheElephantInChunks - claims and owns the copyright of all her posts dated on and after 14th August 2018 as her intellectual property and as a moral right and which are all her own individual and original work. Reproduction in whole or part or any other use is strictly prohibited without her prior written permission.

[Edited by MNHQ at posters request]

Hello again CherryB and thanks for your tips for the achey bod - that bath soak sounds perfect, and of course it's always difficult to turn down cake and gin! I think they should be available on prescription personally.

For the hoover, I vote your friend should buy a new one. Henry’s are cheap, reliable workhorses. And they look friendly too! He’ll need one for the new cleaner to work with anyway...

Hello whojam and hello again math. Thanks for the tips - it's an upright Hoover Hurricane Cyclone System 2000w with Hepa Filter, so it certainly sounds like it should be able to deal with a cobweb or 2! I have no recent experience with vacs as we've got all wooden and stone floors at home. The Hoover isn't new, but not that old either I imagine, so it should work OK. Let's face it, it's probably not had a lot of use so far.

Hello Ariela and thanks for your nifty tip about the gloves. I'd already thrown them away by the time I read your post, (trying to lead by example!), but I'll remember it for next time. For I feel sure there'll be a next time!

Hello Upstart and Toomany. Thanks for your posts, both of which give food for thought. Can I ask, Upstart, if your post comes from experience?

Hello MM18. What a lovely post, thank you. I'm sorry you've been going through such a tough time, and I'm wishing you well and cheering you on. Remember, it's a marathon not a sprint. I'm finding The Chunk Method (TM) really helps. It would be lovely to hear how you get on.

Hi, some experience yes. And also the knowledge of the condition I got from researching it when my family member had trouble of this kind.
I would research it a bit more if I were you. I don't want to be mean when you are doing so much but I would look to your own boundaries. In the kindest possible way it seems odd to put quite so many hours in to this without you having thought through all the implications. It smacks a bit of...rescuing?? in somr way. Apols as I sound like a cow I just feel you're doing the equivalent of cooking someone anorexic a couple of square meals. And apols again if that's an offensive reference to anyone- just trying to express it.

Nuts, you're back! I thought you'd wandered off, but decided you'd be busy gathering and burying, getting ready for Autumn

A Henry is a great idea, thank you. I used to love our indestructible hardworking Henry, years ago. Aesthetically, I was only a fan of the red one though, not the pink. If the Hoover problem isn't easily solved, I'll suggest it.

Nuts again! None for ages, and then 2 turn up at once, like buses. You're spoiling me, Nutty.

Yes, I agree, the cleaner has been part of the plan from the start, and I keep mentioning it from time to time as if it's accepted, to reinforce it. I think it is accepted, and that it is just a matter of when. I agree asap is best, so I'll keep it in mind. He has kept more on top of the garden. He pays a chap to cut the lawn and hedge regularly. Until this year another chap came to do the weeding, pruning and tidying up too, but unfortunately he's been left in the lurch with that this year without notice. He wants to employ someone else, but it's not easy around here. His attitude to the garden gives me more reason to believe that the cleaner will happen, if you see what I mean? That's reminded me to take another rose in.

Things to chew over about the living room too, thank you.

Hello again Upstart. Thanks for replying. I don't know if you've managed to read the full thread, but don't worry, this is no short term 'rescue' mission. That's not my style. I have thought through the possible implications for the short, medium and long term. While it's entirely true that I'm in at the deep end in this exact situation, (and while wishing to avoid giving identifying details), I do have extensive experience with people in emotional and physical dire straits. I am learning as I go along here, on the job, as it were, it is true, but my background knowledge is informing me and guiding me too, alongside the lifelong love and attachment I feel for my friend. My boundaries are just fine, thank you.

I purposefully posted in this topic for lower traffic, and to avoid some of the kind of responses and posters you unfortunately tend to get at times in AIBU and even Chat, so hopefully your analogy won't take the thread in a different or derailing direction or change the helpful, good humoured and supportive mood here.

Do you want to say any more from your experience, Upstart, about what happened with your family member?

Multitasking here, and thinking about it, just popping back to change a word. I used extensive in my last post, and I'd like to correct that to significant. Not wanting to blow my own trunk, or over-egg the currant buns.

Good stuff, glad you've thought it all through and are operating from a position of strength. You're doing a fantastic and helpful thing for your friend. Not trying to get all AIBUish on you, I know that's not what you are asking! Sometimes it can be tricky to offer support without knowing the full story - and there's more than one way to be supportive.

I don't want to talk about my experience I'm afraid, it's something I am putting behind me and I don't want to derail your thread. Best of luck with it all x

Thanks Upstart, though I don't know about the position of strength bit,

It's OK, don't worry, I'm not expecting all flowers, gin, cuppas and wine either - I agree, support comes in many different ways.

You're still perfectly welcome on the thread, but wishing you all the very best as you look forward.

You sound a lovely person. Look after yourself first and foremost though, or the rest will crumble.
He also needs to get some help with what's at the base of all this. Saying this from having been there perspective.

Fi think you need to be sure your oh and kids are fine with the time you're spending on this too OP. I'm slightly taken aback by you describing yourself as raring to get back to it but not being able to because of the kids.

You're a star. Yes it's a worry that he won't get the right help emotionally and really what's at play is a deeper mental health issue BUT a little kindness never hurt. You're doing a wonderful thing.

A late arrival here with nothing to add, but will quietly but determinedly wave my pom-poms and cheer ‘Go Nelly’ for general moral support - what you’re doing is humanity at its very best. Have no personal experience or advice to offer, but am sending as many clean vibes as I can in your general direction.

Just popping by to say I'm having the weekend off to spend with the family, recharge, give my aches a bit of a rest, catch up with a few things at home, and give my friend a break too. The only thing I've done is restock the crates, as that fitted in conveniently with what else we were doing. There, I am listening.

Lumiere - Hello, and thanks so much for your lovely post. I'll think of you with your pom-poms cheering me on next time I'm struggling a bit.

EachPeach - Hello there. Thank you very much for your kind post, and I think you sum up some of my feelings pretty well too.

LaDaronne - Hello. Everything at home is fine and dandy, thank you. There's a bit of a misunderstanding or accidental misquoting out of context going on there perhaps? I didn't think I'd actually said that, in that way, especially with that meaning - so I went back and checked. There'd just been a last minute change of plan that day which was a bit frustrating, that's all. So your 'slightly taken aback' is misplaced, don't worry, but thank you for your concern. I don't know, those pesky, unwanted, disgruntled, unhappy, abandoned kids, stopping me being up to my waist in it clearing and cleaning - the cheek of them.

Okey - Hello, and thanks - together with other pps upthread, you're right, hence the weekend off. I do listen, and think over everyone's comments, even if that's not immediately apparent at the time. I wondered if you felt able to say any more about your experience?

Thanks again to you all

Yay for the weekend off lass. Some chill time.

I'm guess an interesting point to note will be if when you're back there's anything been put into n the clear spaces. I hope not!

I have to admit that I'm not the best at getting rid of Stuff! and I like buying stuff, which could
only too easily become Stuff! After reading this thread I'm on a mental switch around. Need to get my DDs to change as well - the contents of their two bedrooms has filled a two bedroom starter home type house... Will have Ikea send them the Kallex(sp?) shelving and encourage them to declutter (again...).

As an aside, if you can't find normal Epsom salts, Radox in the blue box will help get rid of the aches.

Cleaners, you're back, is it really you? I thought you'd abandoned me with your welcome voice of experience. Again, weekend off, please note. The money thing was a 2-way joke. I know I say here about The Gin Fund (was it originally an idea from long-lost bucking or from Nuts), but in reality even the coins will add up and go to him, or perhaps I'll buy us a cake each to have with a cuppa at some point to celebrate what's been achieved so far. Is it different, do you think, because we're old friends, not employer/employee? Can you say why it would make you uncomfortable? Thanks for popping back.

Hello again Mrs - lovely to hear from you. Yes, everything had been absolutely fine so far when I left on Friday, but we'll see, won't we?! There's been a few little things he's done up till now which give me hope, but I know it's very early days.

It sounds like you've got a good plan for you and your girls and all that Stuff! Good luck! Let me know how you get on? And thanks for the tip about the Radox.

I've been reading this thread on and off today and am finding it quite inspirational! You seem such a kind and motivated person Nellie.

I'm also prone to accumulating Stuff and find that 'organised' piles lead to stuff being added round/on them, lost in them etc... then I forget whats in the piles and re-buy...

A few weeks ago I tackled a huge pile in a hallway and it was so hard to realise a lot of it was things like empty shoe boxes, that I'd obviously kept in case I needed them for tidying... Then they'd had stuff put on top of them, so it was actually quite quick, but I'd put it off for ages, as it seemed overwhelming.

On the strength of this thread I've been tackling the corner of doom in my bedroom (much of which turned out to be 2 large empty plastic storage boxes, several empty carrier bags and the rest is stuff I'd meant to ebay!

I really don't want to end up like the guy you're helping Nellie, but I can easily see how it could happen. :(

Hope you're having, or have had, a lovely weekend, OP. 🍰