Need help with cleaning and decluttering...

[withaspongeandarustyspanner]

DH is unhappy in our relationship and wants to leaveand has cited my housekeeping/lack of ability to get rid of stuff as a factor. I'm overwhelmed. Don't know where to start.

Any tips?

That's me done workwise too (tonic for the gin is now in the fridge!). Just the usual 'home work' to do now, but I made supper for tonight last night so that's now cooking in the oven - it's great being organised .

I had a mum from school come round this afternoon and it was so much easier to throw the vacuum cleaner round yesterday and quickly clear the few bits which had started to accumulate in the kitchen this morning.

I cleared and cleaned a shelf in the study yesterday which had become a disaster zone and now some new reports which I can't get rid of yet are happily sitting there with everything else all organised.

Still got stuff to do, but I just feel if I tackle one thing which has been bugging me a day, then it's progress.

Well done everyone.

Sponge - I hope you've had a successful day.

Well done Grumpy and Pigeon you sound like you are enjoying the gains you have made. Hope everyone else has had a good day. I have spent an hour clearing household bills and moved lots online and got rid of another few inches of paper.

Paper is a good one Sitoff it really drags me down having a load of paper everywhere, I spent an hour on mine earlier and have really trimmed the file. Got rid of all my paperwork from 3 houses and 20 years ago!

Guess who's washing machine just died?
Not too early for a refreshing little glass of something is it?

This weekend's treat/revelation is that he no longer wants any physical contact with me whatsoever.

Sponge Oh God, I do feel for you and wish I had wise words or answers but I just don't. Did he explain himself?
Has he said if he plans to move out or are you expected to live as flatmates? It seems so cruel to treat you like this, but I suppose if he wants the marriage to end it could never be easy on either of you. He does sound confused himself, depressed even, is that a possibility?
Have the children noticed anything? Sorry, a barrage of questions which are none of my business, but if you want to talk about it that's fine.

I am not doing much today, just a bit of food shopping and take any last bits and bobs to the charity shop. Anyone else have plans?

That sounds very confusing for you Sponge. I hope you and the children are ok. I guess it is hard to focus on much else but I hope you are starting to feel you have made some progress with your home that you can get some pleasure from.

Like Pigeon I am setting myself small daily targets. I am going to get the washing up to date (sorry Grumpy) and quick whizz round to make sure I do not go backwards then a potter round the shops and maybe we will all go for a walk this afternoon. If I get some more paperwork done that would be a bonus.!

I'm sorry sponge. It sounds really hard to be living like that. Very unfair of him to treat you like that. Please don't blame yourself. I know the thread started as a result of him saying the clutter etc in the house was an issue but there are two of you in the relationship. It takes two to make it work. You are trying your best both with the house and counselling. I'm not sure there is much more you can do.

I still can't do much really - not supposed to be lifting anything heavier than a kettle! Did a few things during the week. Decluttered the Skybox by watching stuff I had recorded. And yesterday I decluttered my emails. I deleted approx 5,800 emails! I mostly use my iPad and just read them on there so yesterday I actually used the computer and went onto my email account. Couldn't believe there were so many. Still got another account to do and the iPad!

I did move a small pile of clothes from a chair into a bag for the charity clothes bin and put them in the car. Will drop them off later.

Hope to get a few more bits done this week.

This morning I found a text in his phone (I know, I know) which said 'Xx' from a woman at work who I suspected he had a thing with/about/who I thought liked him. It was at 0:40 am. I confronted him. He went mental. He said that he spoken to her about our relationship, that we (he) was having problems and that I suspected her and him of something. Funnily enough, he was lighter and happier when he came home from work (he worked with her). I said to my Mum that I felt he'd discussed it with her. And sure enough. Anyway, he said he was leaving right away. I said fine. Then he backtracked and said he wanted a bit longer because it's not easy finding a house you know. I said it was not my problem. Then he wanted me to sign over a car to him. And to be reasonable and civil (which I think means accepting a paltry amount for child maintenance. But as I'm insisting on giving up my job, he has no alternative but to stay here (indefinitely) because I'm being difficult and not letting him move on with his life. He was very clear that our relationship is over and that he is sleeping in the spare room.

Yes, I think he is depressed and grieving for his brother who died in his mid 40s just before Christmas. Apparently, he fell out of love with me around then because I am messy and joyless.

I think the husband I married died when his brother did.

Has he had any bereavement counselling? Would he go do you think? Might help him.

He said he is not grieving. Won't entertain it.

What a nightmare for you all, obviously he is grieving even if it doesn't feel the way he thinks grief should. perhaps it has triggered a 'seize the day' crisis in him, which is kind of understandable but not fair on your family. You must be in turmoil and I can only think that possibly if he is allowed to work through it in his own (selfish, of course) way, then just maybe he will find his way back, a roots and wings sort of thing. I only say that I as know you love him and don't want him to go.
I do feel for you, were you fond of his brother too?

I have been doing lots of laundry in my shiny new machine , off to declutter a roast dinner soon.
Hope everyone has as good a day as possible.

Of course, there is the hideous option that he actually is not grieving, and is just a prick. And I never knew all this time.

I have in the past glanced into the Relationships topic - there are some forthright posters but often in response to some truly horrendous situations that people have found themselves in. The older I get the more the realisation has crept up on me that people are capable of treating those around them terribly.

I still feel there is some mileage in trying to restore order to the physical space around you if that has slipped. You and the children deserve a comfortable home. I am hoping to get back to the paperwork after a lazy weekend. V. impressed Cider that you have ventured into your inbox and suitably jealous of Grumpy's new washing machine - that is one of life's small pleasures.

I agree with you sitoff they do deserve a comfortable home whatever else is going on, to have some control is vital I would think.

I am on light duties as I have wrenched my knee somehow and am hobbling about, think I need to give in and just put my feet up while it gets better. House looks ok though so nothing urgent to be done.

Each time I post, it seems to be more hideous than the last. I'll spare you the details this time, but what I do know is that I need to get back on track with the house. I really do need some help though. I can't seem to get far by myself; it's like there's too much noise to distract me. I guess this is how my husband feels most of the time.

Hey Sponge good to hear from you, I was wondering how you are. I am so sorry things are so bad for you.
Did your mum and aunt come over to help with the house? Can I offer any practical advice on clearing up?
I don't know if you have managed to do anymore since your last chuck out session but I am here to spur you on if you need me.

No. They haven't been over. They would and they mean it, but you know, life gets in the way.

I'm feeling really low again (have a prescription for higher dose antidepressants in my bag), but the last two days have been awful and now the house reflects the state of my mind. DH is still here but really very low now (found a VERY incriminating text to OW) and now he has promised to only speak to her on work related matters. I have to trust him, I guess. Difficult as they work so closely together. I'm making him anxious - just me talking to him and being in the room with him. It's horrible.

That's no way to live Sponge the children must sense something is up too? Hopefully the stronger meds will help you feel a bit brighter. He is really not being fair on you, I am sorry.

Sounds dreadful Sponge - poor you. I guess you have to try the new prescription to see if it helps but of course it can take some time for it to build up and make any difference. Can you manage to tackle any of the house at the moment or is it all too much. I have stalled a little this week - mainly I think because I have tried to tackle my worst area which is paper. It is silly but I can not make good decisions about what to keep and what to throw so I am almost paralysed by it all. The good news is that those areas of the house I have cleared I am finding much quicker and easier to restore order to. Is there anything we could do to help you?
Grumpy hope the injury is healing and that you are too Cider

I'm so sorry to read this update sponge . You are coping really well with a horrible situation.

I've been trying to get into a routine of hoovering downstairs before work one day, then upstairs the next etc to keep on top of things, which is working so far so am feeling much better about the house. Still a lot of decluttering to do though, but another charity shop bag went this week.

I need to think of something to do with the mountains of "artwork" the dcs bring home from school/ nursery.

In other news, my friend came over on Friday and together we blitzed our kitchen/family room. Luckily she's a bit OCD. We rearranged furniture and I let her loose with a bookshelf and some cookery books. I'm kidnapping her again next Friday and holding her hostage upstairs!

Your friend sounds fantastic! Well worth getting some nice biscuits in for
Does the kitchen/family room look better now?
I am getting very excited about the Easter break, we have a few plans but the thought of no rushed mornings for a couple of weeks is lovely. I want to make a start on the garden, the work on the house starts next week so it will be chaos central but it will be worth it long term, I have a pile of stuff to take to the tip which is awful to look at but once it's gone, that's it, no more crap lying around. I have nearly finished sorting paperwork, just need some nice files down to keep it in, so much has gone, pay slips and bank statements from 25 years ago!!
I am not too busy work wise, and I am quite glad of that for a change as spring cleaning is going on and I wouldn't have time otherwise.

You all seem to have had a productive few days. Yetanother could you photograph the artwork after a few days displayed on the fridge? Who am I to talk, I can not bear to throw out my 25 year old paperwork Grumpy. How do you convince yourself to do it? Today I am tackling the laundry mountain but apart from that I am pleased that previous progress has not slipped especially in the kitchen which tends to be a problem area for clutter.

Sitoff I think the major declutter I have had (and continue with) has changed my mindset, I have found it addictive and I guess paperwork is an extension of my 'stuff' I had a good look at my first mortgage papers and solicitors letters and had a little stroll down memory lane, but it wasn't hard, once I got going it became easier and easier to sling it out. It was just cluttering up drawers and files for no good reason, the majority of what I have left is essential and I just need to find the right files for them.
I still continue to find general crap all over the place but nowhere near as much as before and I am getting ruthless.
The aim is not 'showhome' perfect, but a functional, clean living space with a place for everything (if only I could declutter my OH and DD ) The minute they walk through the door it's like a bombs gone off, but, they are getting better, I think they are starting to see the benefit of knowing where things are.
So, yes, paperwork, if you get into it you may find it hard to stop!
Hope everyone else is ok and having a productive time. Spring feels like a fresh start to me, out with the old in with the new.

Right Grumpy I am going to give it another go - I want a new start too and the piles of paper are standing in the way. Maybe I need to follow your example Sponge and find a friend to help.