Calling all hoarders out there......why?

[muriel76]

My DH is a bit of a hoarder. Some of his family are the same but particularly his mum, she seems to keep everything. They both like to also display pointless things ie books that will never be/never have been read etc.

Don't get me wrong, it is not a big deal or anything but I do want to understand why. It's hard to understand as my mum is the complete opposite and I am the same. DH and I have agreed to give the house (another!) big clear out and it would help me to hear a hoarder's view!

(Obviously I have talked with him about it many times BTW, I am just looking for other people's more neutral insights)

Thanks for any replies.

:) Night ChippinIn and thank you for your kind words and encouragement.

Hi guys I was out all day today, but it was nice to come back and see all the great support for everyone on here!
ChippingIn I live in Ontario, Canada, in geared to income housing.
Basically, as your income goes up, so does your rent, up to market rate. You are alotted a place based on family size, and have to move if your family size changes. We have to move anyhow, as my DH has joined the Navy, and we have to move to one coast or the other at Christmas.
There are annual inspections of the properties by a commitee who check for any repairs that may need to be done, and to ensure it is clean and uncluttered, for fire saftey reasons.
I am not a hoarder, but having parents who are, and having the 'saving' urges, I have to be careful.
Plus, I don't want to die of shame if the come in, and see chaos.
I have anxiety issues, and I hate the idea of strangers coming in to judge how I live
My to do list is 2 1/2 pages long!
I am a terrible procrastinator, my family call me queen of the dawdlers

my parents are tidy hoarders.

they both grew up during/after the war, and both went to boarding school where they were allowed almost no personal possessions. also both moved a lot.

so they have almost no reminders of their childhoods.

everything is organised & in boxes, cupboards etc, but the 2 spare rooms (which were mine & my sister's) have every drawer, cupboard full. so when i stay there, i have to live out of the suitcase - there is space for one case to be put on a stool & opened, and about 1 foot of surface to put belonging on, but that's it.

recently they cleared out the attic (cos they have other things to put in there) & they STILL have loads of my old books from school etc. why?
they also have an alphabetised store of every guide book of everywhere they've ever been, in case it might be useful one day. but some of them are so old there's no way they're still relevant, and my dad refuses to visit the same place twice, so why would they be useful.

still, can't throw anything out, that would be wrong ...

I feel so much for the hoarders/people dealing with hoarding relatives. It's such a misunderstood condition and can be very traumatising to live with

Whilst my mum is a hoarder and I can see how it gets to her (DDs can't stay asthere is no where for them to sleep, etc) I do have a slight problem with it myself. I have OCD and trich so compulsions and obsessions are my forte!

I have trouble getting rid of baby things though I did give a friend about 8 big carriers of 6-9m clothes (yes I did buy that much baby clothing - though it most was cheap/2nd hand and gone through 3 DDs and was still in good condition). After she left with the clothes I felt that perhaps I was too ruthless and DD3 might fit into some of the clothes again this Autumn (some were Autumn/Winter stuff) she's 22m - she is fairly petite but she's not fallen off the bottom cenitile so why would she fit in it???

I also have a small pile of DD1's odd baby shoes as I can't throw them away as the other shoe will just appear out of nowhere and then I will have effectively thrown out a perfectly good pair of shoes. DD1 is 5.5 years now and we moved house in 2006 after she grew out of them. What are the chances of the other one appearing now?

I also have a tendency to hoard paper work (though years ago I would get my bank statement and just bin it that day) now I have things like a telephone directory from a job I left in 2001. It's as though I don't trust my brain to hold on to things. When I was pg with my eldest I had a terrible time and was signed off work quite early on so did n't have a chance to sort my computer/desk out. I was so sad to lose all DH's emails to me when we just met and were being a bit flirty/getting to know each other. I wanted to print them out to keep

I was (and I still am) married to him so it's not like I was unsure of his feelings or needed them to keep in contact with him. I just didn't want to let go of that feeling we had in the beginning as things remind me so vividly of events/times in my life that I have no confidence my memories are real unless I have something to back it up.

My mum places such a high value on things and the memories that are attached to them that I have been brought up to feel the same. My DDs have my old dolls, teaset, even a rattle my brother had as a baby and at my mum's play with my old My Little Ponies, Sindys, Playmobil, etc. I

t's niice in a way that my mum has passed them on but at the same time I am still resentful of my parents selling my doll house that my Grandpa made for me and he and my Grandma furnished it, Grandma crocheted rudgs etc. My parents got rid of it with out asking me (I was about 8) as my mum didn't like the proportions and felt it was unnecessary to have a staircase in a dolls house. Now that would have been something to keep not My Little Ponies!

Sorry for essay. I just needed to get it off my chest. again.

My parents are just awful, you can't move in their house!
They downsized from a 5 bed in France to a 3 bed here in the UK and it's just terrible - I actually find it very hard going to stay there as it is so disorganised and cluttered.
Their excuse is that they had 5 of us kids and most of them are presents and our stuff - which is not true!
They still have baby clothes from the 1970's, things from people they hardly know and stuff they don't even know they have.
My and my sisters have dropped hints but never told them outright I don't think.
My dad is quite ill too with a terminal illness nd I honestly think that could be making it worse.

My MIL has kept her fathers false teeth - he died about 19 years ago.

She also still has the stitiches that were taken out of my dh's chin when he was 3 (he is now 39)

She is beyond help.

What really pisses me off is that they think I am the weird one! I simply do not understand why anyone would need to keep stuff that they dont use/look at on a regular basis.

They dont need to, of course, but its easier to hoard stuff than deal with the psychological reasons why they do it.....

LOL Bec - that made me laugh - sorry!
Just think though, if they get passed down, they might bring in a mint at auction!

My grandad was a champion hoarder. In his upstairs flat when he died, he had 20,000 books! That was just indicative of his general hoardery, he also had over 100 cameras of various vintages, a cupboard full of unopened scotch whisky (he didn't drink alcohol) he was given as gifts over the years, stacks of magazines, newspapers etc. When we were clearing the flat, we found a sofa that hadn't seen the light of day in decades. My parents are just the same, but making sporadic attempts to get better. They actually up-sized and still filled the new house to the gunnels! I visited and there was a mass of old clothes in their bedroom 3 feet high leaving a path round the bed. I grabbed a roll of binbags and we spent a morning going through them taking out old work uniforms, things that will never fit, things that they wouldn't wear in public etc. 10 bin bags later we could close the wardrobes again and all the shoes were in pairs again. It's like king Canute holding back the tide though, there's always another stash of stuff somewhere.
Myself, I take a hard line against clutter. Things we don't use get freecycled, passed to friends or neighbours, or recycled where appropriate. So much so that we use our garage to park the car!

Some of the posts on here are really thought provoking.......

How sad that people ascribe emotions to pieces of furntiture/old toys/clothes/shoes etc.

They dont love you back

Dont get me wrong, I have memory boxes for my dc with their first outfits in/first shoes/first xmas card etc but thats it.

I dont feel emtionally attached to any of the objects in my home - because thats what they are...objects.

Ivor Oh, god! dont!

I also keep getting bits of chipped china from dh's aunt she goest o car boots and charity shops and presents me with piles of damaged stuff (she is loaded btw!!)

For our first xmas after we married she gave us 2 (chipped) crystal glasses

I'm so glad there are others with parent hoarders. Feel a little bit more normal.

My MIL still tells people in wonder that I gave me wedding dress away

I gave it to my aunt (who works in a poor community) who lends it out to girls who cant afford one....how is that a bad thing? AFAIK my dress has been worn by at least 4 happy brides since I wore it. Where is her wedding dress? Lagging the boiler...oh yes, much better use of a wedding dress you mad old bint

I regularly have a sort out of the dc toys and clothes - esp before b days and xmas and anything they havent played with in the past year goes. I give my dc old clothes to my aunt too and they go to a family who live in the middle of nowhere on a farm and they are always very grateful and I am glad to be rid of them...win win!!!

I'm a borderline hoarder, I take after my dad and we are both only saved by being married to Tidy People.

The waste thing is a big problem. How can you get rid of something that somebody gave you but that is not worn out? Awful wedding present china, professional journals from work, old and interesting things from grandparents? Not everything is any use for a charity shop although I think people should aim everything possible in that direction. And then procrastination comes in...I'll ebay it eventually...

I suspect the people with books they will never read, were given them. We have half a bookcase full of vintage Ladybird books and very old classics (Dickens etc) from DH's childhood and GPs. It would feel awful to get rid of them but that's the tip of the iceberg.

Good luck to the rest of you.

Bec that's a good idea about the wedding dress, I still have mine in the cupboard :(

I watched that programme last night too - wasn't it so sad and rather depressing It seemed like she had a big hole in her heart that she was trying to fill with objects that comforted her in some way, never noticing that she has 5 loving children who are there for her and are real - not inanimate objects.

My mother is a hoarder, though nothing like as bad as the mum in the programme. I think it affected me like Jasmine in the programme - just wanting an uncluttered house (some hope when you have a family!) and always trying to get my mum to get rid of stuff. However I think she mainly keeps stuff (like a whole cupboard full of jam jars ) just incase it comes in useful. And of course, the book thing!

To anyone who is a ruthless chucker outter, be a bit sensitive to your kids, as you might be making a hoarder of the future.

The line that goes 'my parents chucked out my dolls house'? 'My parents wouldnt let me keep little precious things' 'my parents burnt my toys and i found the charred remains'

I think the chucker outters also have a control issue! But controlling other people.

Anyway, wasting too much time on MN, lots to get on with.

Thanks to those who have been open and honest and supportive, you made a great thread that for some of us has been very theraputic.

"To anyone who is a ruthless chucker outter, be a bit sensitive to your kids, as you might be making a hoarder of the future."

Most of my daughter's old toys and books are in the loft, so I am not that bad. My parents were dreadful hoarders and I grew up in a very cluttered and dusty house. As a result I loathe clutter and am fairly ruthless with my own stuff, but as you say, other people's things are not mine to chuck out.

Poshbaggirl, I think you could be right about the control issues But I try to rein them in! I would never chuck something out - I "support" my mother and DD in choosing which bits to declutter, whilst extolling the benefits of having more space

I'm still here!

Please do carry on, I asked for insights into hoarding and it has made fascinating reading, although it's upsetting to see how much it can affect people. There are so many different reasons. Some of these stories are heartbreaking - it's made me really think about how to approach decluttering, not just with my DH but also our children.

I couldn't stay awake to see the programme last night, but as DH is working late today I am going to watch it on Iplayer. Sounds like it was very sad.

This thread is helping me understand the reasons behind horders and how it is a gut renching feeling parting with some stuff.
I have moved house almost every year since I was little. I have moved house much more than 50 times. Sometimes we moved twice a year and my mother ruthlessly burnt everything. My father used to drive around with his clothes in the boot of the car.
Best loved toys had to be given away to the church.

Now, I have lived in this house for 8 years and I am caretaker of my dads house (which I cannot empty as a sibling is contesting the will but will not help me)
Dad kept all my mums stuff so it is difficult to deal with their house.

The main things here are books and crafts although I never get the time to do the projects or read.

The main room and bathroom are kept clean and tidy plus the hall but the rest of the house is like the lady in the television programme.

Now I have to move house again in the next year but the clutter is holding me back.

I'm a real chucker-outer but DH is a hoarder. It used to drive me insane but I have mellowed over 12 years as I better understand the reasons why he is like this.

His dad was in the forces and the moved a lot when he was a child and took very little with them each time. He once changed house and school 4 times in a year and so I think the hoarding is his security blanket. He said sometimes he would go off to friends house to find his bedrom had been packed up for a move - 1 box to keep and everything else chucked away - he had little or no say in what he kept.

When he got to 10 he was packed off to boarding school - again with very little of his personal belongings and then would frequently be collected at the end of term to be told he was going back to a different house and his stuff, and once even the beloved by him family dog, had been got rid of.

At 14 his parents also got divorced - his mum skipped off abroad to stay with relatives and he stayed with his dad and watched him burn all her stuff on a bonfire.

I think there is always a reason why people hoard but we now have 3 lofts, a cellar and a bedroom filled with his "stuff" so it can't go on!

As someone who had a very secure childhood - same school, house, no divorce etc. it makes me very

Ivy, that must have been very traumatic for you DH. Once you are able to keep stuff and no one is chucking it, it feels like a pprt in a storm. When someone starts at you it feels like the ominous storm clouds approaching and your back in the storm. Its a safe place when you are allowed to keep it. Can you show him thid thread so he doesnt feel alone?

As a hoarder myself i keep things associated with people. All the kids clothes, toys and artwork are a big issue. But its only my problem. Its hoarded away out of the house. But it keeps me living in the past and i'm not living in the now.

I too was a forces child and sent to boarding school. When i got home my Mum would have 'sorted and tidied' my room leaving me anxious as to what was there and what wasnt.

When 'sorting' my kids stuff out i get them invilved with the process so that they can learn. Who am i kidding? Arghhhhhhh I want to do a car boot, but need to 'sort' first. OK i'm going to start today. Boxes, black bags and marker pens at the ready....jeans, t shirt, converse boots.....action mummy......GO!

Becaroo you say that " I simply do not understand why anyone would need to keep stuff that they dont use/look at on a regular basis. They dont need to, of course, but its easier to hoard stuff than deal with the psychological reasons why they do it....."

There is a big gap in understanding here.
People don't decide to hoard because its easier than addressing their deep psychological problems!!!!

People generally don't recognise that this behaviour is driven by psychological damage, and if even they do recognise this then they don't usually recognise exactly what it was in psychological terms in the past that has caused them trouble in the present.

Even if they recognise both of these things, which would be rare (diagnosing your own psychological issues and really getting to the root of it all is beyond most folk without professional help), how would they know what to do to address the problems they diagnosed?

I understand that this is an awful and frustrating thing to live with when you are not a sufferer yourself but your post seems to lack sympathy for what is a debilitating condition rather than an easy choice lifestyle option.

The reason that relatives feel frustrated and unable to help imo is that they are not equipped to identify and heal the emotional trauma from the childhood of the sufferer. It's the cause that needs addressing and just trying to deal with the symptoms will never get you very far.

In my opinion/experience a minimum of 9 months of psychotherapy is what many people would need to get to grips with their hoarding.

Just adding my bit - my DH is an ecological hoarder and repairer. He won't throw stuff out because he is worried about the effect on the environment - not our home environment but landfill. He also likes to think he will repair stuff- and he does sometimes, so I have a toaster that's over 20 years old with a piece of wooden peg as the lever, and a rather rusty fridge freezer that is even older.
Most recent argument was when he discovered I'd thrown away several old Colgate battery operated toothbrushes that weren't working and that he'd put on top of the bathroom cabinet a year or two ago for repair.
Stuff that I thought had gone to the dump years ago is still in the garage and the loft contains such gems as his O Level notes as well as empty cardboard boxes for things we probably no longer have.
We aren't remotely at the stage of Jasmine's mother fortunately and I don't think he has her psychological problems but I am not prepared to keep broken old stuff until the recycling technology has developed to deal with it!

Lilymaid does your dh limit his purchasing of new items?
I would say that it is not ecological to keep stuff and not use it - this is a wasteful practice.