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Calling all hoarders out there......why?

916 replies

muriel76 · 10/08/2011 17:10

My DH is a bit of a hoarder. Some of his family are the same but particularly his mum, she seems to keep everything. They both like to also display pointless things ie books that will never be/never have been read etc.

Don't get me wrong, it is not a big deal or anything but I do want to understand why. It's hard to understand as my mum is the complete opposite and I am the same. DH and I have agreed to give the house (another!) big clear out and it would help me to hear a hoarder's view!

(Obviously I have talked with him about it many times BTW, I am just looking for other people's more neutral insights)

Thanks for any replies.

OP posts:
TheSmallClanger · 17/08/2011 10:52

The purchase control will really help, and it's very ecological too.

Another thing that helps me is not to keep anything "for best". If I have mugs, or china, or cutlery for example, I try to use them. Yes, the mug cupboard is rather full, but at least we have enough for visitors and to cover for breakages, and most of them get used regularly.

Another nice guilt-free outlet for linens and blankets and stuff, if you're that way inclined, is your local animal shelter. It was actually DD who wanted to raid the linen cupboard so that the puppies and kittens could have the blankets.

I might try and iPlayer the hoarding programme later.

Lilymaid · 17/08/2011 11:21

EssentialFattyAcid
DH doesn't do shopping on the whole - I do, but he has real difficulty getting rid of stuff that is no longer of use and not suitable for charity shops - e.g. old broken toys and other plastics. We don't have a problem about clothes - he doesn't buy a lot and is quite good about sending stuff to charity shops or fabric recycling.
His problem is non-recyclable stuff and anything personal - business cards from years ago, old receipts, school/university work etc. He's also a master of the intermediate position - put dishes by the sink rather than in the dishwasher, write information down on post-it notes and not transfer it to somewhere more permanent.

We've just inherited a load of "stuff" from my parents. Fortunately my DB, who is less ecologically minded dumped the rubbish (much to DH's annoyance), but what with our stuff, their stuff and the DCs stuff (both at university) our fairly large house and double garage are pretty full.

bibbitybobbityhat · 17/08/2011 11:33

Watched the programme last night and thought it was almost tragic. The lady's children were so so so fantastically patient with her, what a tribute to them. When she was refusing to throw out those tiny little broken scraps of plastic in that warehouse full of stuff to be sorted I felt so angry with her on her son's behalf. What a way to live your life!

Becaroooo · 17/08/2011 12:47

essential Actually I think people who hoard are to be pitied but not as much as the people who have to live with them and deal with their issues too.

I do have limited sympathy with the hoarders do not want to seek help and will not admit they have a problem...CBT can work wonders for people with this compulsion, yet how many of them will ever seek help?

tilly Yes, it is tragic that people cling on to tatty bits of crap and alienate those that love them Sad As I said earlier tatty bits of crap cant love you back.

I watched a programme once about an old guy who was making his neighbours lives hell...his house and garden were a sanitary nightmare and there were rats everywhere......turned out he had been a prisoner at Auschwitz Sad His way of coping with the trauma I guess - and whilst it made it more understandable it didnt make it right or healthy and when it affects others it can become a form of cruelty.

I hope the lady in the programme gets help - if not for her sake then for the sake of her family.

EssentialFattyAcid · 17/08/2011 12:48

Frustration yes, bibbity, but anger is inappropriate.

EssentialFattyAcid · 17/08/2011 12:54

But Becaroo if someone has no idea what their problem is or how to seek help how can you be unsympathetic to that? No hoarders really understand why they hoard imo. And until they understand why they can't really deal with it. But understanding why generally requires 9 months of professional (and expensive) professional help ime.

Psychological problems aren't usually quick and easy to deal with - or even to recognise in yourself Sad.

I don't think its a competition as to whether the hoarder or their relatives has it worse and deserves more sympathy.

Becaroooo · 17/08/2011 13:00

There are plenty of us carrying around childhood trauma...me included....we dont all hoard stuff.

I think its pretty spurious to assume that if you were brought up during the war/depression era you will be a hoarder...my parents were and certainly arent! Also, people who went to boarding school will neccessarily crave personal possessions..they cant all be hoarders, surely???

I refuse to become a prisoner of my house and/or possessions.

I feel very sorry for those of you who are embarrassed by your house and therefore have limited visitors/guests/social life. BUT I feel more sorry for your families Sad

I have some nice "stuff" but, you know what? I'd be just as happy without it and its one less thing to dust Smile (I am v lazy!)

EssentialFattyAcid · 17/08/2011 13:16

Becarooo you say "There are plenty of us carrying around childhood trauma...me included....we dont all hoard stuff."

Quite so. There are lots of different traumas of childhood surely, and people are affected by them in lots of different ways, not just hoarding. Do you have sympathy for anorexics for example, or should they perhaps just eat more and stop making their parents' lives difficult?

You seem to have a very unforgiving attitude to other people Becaroo and a simplistic and superficial view of people. The thread is about trying to understand, not about trying to judge and feel superior to people who hoard stuff.

kizzie · 17/08/2011 13:54

I watched this last night and thought it was really moving. The family were so lovely and I really warmed to Jasmine Harman. She clearly adores her mum but was trying her best with tough love.

bigTillyMint · 17/08/2011 14:19

Do hoarders go camping? I mean in a tent, with just the essentials (like wineGrin)

Just asking, because every year when we are away for 3 weeks in a tent with next to nothing, I wonder why we really "need" all the stuff we have in our house (and I'm not a hoarder). Just wondering whether maybe living without all that "stuff" for a while would help a hoarder to focus on what was really necessary?

Henwelly · 17/08/2011 14:33

A few times Jasmine said things and gave her mum a look that I know I give my mum and her mum gave her daughter exactly the same look back, a kind of flash through of anger that you just dont get it, sadness because they know your right and resignation that they cant change Sad

TheSmallClanger · 17/08/2011 14:52

Tilly, I have been camping quite a few times. I'm not a huge fan of it, but more because I'm a rubbish sleeper and don't like getting wet. I'm usually too on edge about the those things, or occupied with walks and stuff (combined with weather anxiety!)

Becca, I do not find your comments on this thread helpful or insightful in any way.

nickelbabe · 17/08/2011 15:29

yes, i go camping too.
but that's a holiday - i can cope without my possessions for a week or two.
Grin

Becaroooo · 17/08/2011 15:49

TSC I am not trying to be insightful or helpful tbh...I am giving my opinion.

I grew up with a girl with a mother very like the lady in the programme and I saw first hand the damage it has done to her self esteem, self image and, ultimately, her life Sad

This is still a public forum, yes? Debate is still encouraged? Or are only people who agree with you "allowed" a viewpoint?

Hmm

I do not understand hoarding, no, but then I dont understand a lot of things (Oh, and essential I have had an eating disorder, so that comment was especially pathetic, frankly) I have also had severe pnd, so do I get to have an opinion now????? Angry

I really dont understand how people can live like that, no - and I pity their families.

Solo · 17/08/2011 15:54

'Pity' is a rather horrible thing IMO. Feeling for someone or their family or feeling sorry for them is something else, but pitying? not a word I attach to anyone at all, no matter their trouble or problem.

Becaroooo · 17/08/2011 15:56

sigh.

Very well, call if "feeling sorry for" or "compassion" or whatever you deem acceptable!!!..

Its what I feel for the people in the programme and what I still feel for the girl I went to school with.

notcitrus · 17/08/2011 16:31

I think a lot of people have hoarding tendencies they have to constantly fight, rather than being full-on hoarders. My ILs, for example, would admit they had too much stuff in their house and some of it was junk - just couldn't agree on what was junk and what 'might be needed/worth a bit in the future'!

On the whole, they're grateful if BIL and I come and take on one manageable area like one cupboard, and boss them into making decisions on each item, usually with lots of cheerful insults about how some ornament would be much more appreciated by the charity shop and then a blind person (doubly useful! Can now release emotions!), how a book really isn't going to be worth anything because NC has just checked on the internet (feeling that potential money must be preserved is gone), and broken bits of tat are run away with and buried irretrievably at the bottom of the dustbin (angst over decision-making is removed). And they're a lot happier since moving into a new house and leaving broken bits of building, as boxes can now be dealt with one at a time (and often taken away by an offspring). But they'd fret and worry if we moved at a faster pace than that.

So it's a situation under control and possibly even getting better, but needs an eye kept on it - I think with many issues (eating, anxiety, shopping, possessions) people have coping mechanisms that are OK and mean they don't have a mental illness, until some extra stress or situation means things get out of control, and then it's much more difficult to gain control again.

The lack of useful CBT or other therapy available to most people doesn't help - unless it's becoming an environmental health issue, it's not going to be an NHS priority.
FWIW I use the words 'pity' and 'feel sorry for' interchangeably.

Poshbaggirl · 17/08/2011 17:23

Becaroo. Please go away if you dont have anything supportive or understanding to say and i promise not to go on any 'pnd' threads and tell you to pull your self together and i dont undersrand what people who've had a baby have to whinge about and i just dont have any pity or whatever. You are being mean to and about people who are trying to help themselves by gaining insight into their issues, your comments just make vulnerable people want to clam up and not talk about it.

We are all there for you when you need advice..... So please be nice or hush up. Smile

Anyway, back to lovely hoarding chat

Bunbaker · 17/08/2011 18:36

"and a rather rusty fridge freezer that is even older."

Actually, it is less environmentally friendly to keep running an old fridge freezer. Modern electrical appliances use far less electricity than old ones, and the old fridge freezer can be used for scrap metal, which has increased in price lately.

Kladdkaka · 17/08/2011 19:03

I go camping all the time. I love it. I love being free from all the gumph. I'd live in my tent given half the chance.

Becaroooo · 17/08/2011 19:58

Shock I am not being "mean" just because I disagree with you posh Doesnt work like that!!!

FYI people in rl did tell me exactly that when I was suffering with pnd and, no, if it makes you feel any better, it didnt help me.

I do have pity (or whatever you want to call it!) for these people, but I feel more for their families who are living with the consequences of these actions.....as with any compulsion/addiction/illness to focus just on the sufferer is very short sighted and assumes no one else is affected (and why organisations like al anon family support groups were founded).

I am off now as my posts - for some reason - seem to be being misread/understood and I have no wish to upset anyone.

milkshakejake · 17/08/2011 20:46

My mother is a hoarder - it got really bad just after my grandmother died. It was like she didn't want to throw anything away because "Nan would've liked that" or "Nan always liked that". Lately it's got better as she lives in a two-bed maisonette and has realised that she has hardly any living space due to all the books/bags/piles of stuff everywhere. She is definitely a bargain-a-holic; addicted to car boot sales, jumble sales etc. She used to bring me bags of stuff for my dcs and me, things we didn't need, like curtains, etc, and things we would need in about five years time (age 9 jeans for DS who was 4 at the time!)... some things I put in the loft for use later, which is fine within reason, and some things I told her I didn't need so she took them home. I realised that she wasn't getting rid of these things, just hoarding them, so my latest strategy is to take them, say thanks very much, then put them in my loft for a month or two. Then I quietly give them to the charity shop or Ebay them. She doesn't even remember what she's bought me 99% of the time so no feelings are hurt and it's one less thing that doesn't go back into her house!

She doesn't keep broken things, or rubbish, it's just things she thinks might be valuable, or good-quality clothing (even if it will fit nobody she knows and is really old-fashioned). For instance she might buy a Jigsaw skirt, size 16, even though it's not that nice and nobody she knows is a 16. But it's JIGSAW! And it was only £1!!! Crazy. Occasionally she will give me clothes to put on Ebay for her but to be honest I rarely get more than £3 or so for them, so hardly worth it.

Oh, and she's mad on books, even though she rarely finishes one. She will buy hardbacks at bootsales because she thinks they're more valuable Hmm. Actually she is getting better at sorting through her books and took a load of them to her local church fete :)

My old bedroom is stacked with stuff - bags of clothing, furniture (plus all the stuff I left behind when I left home - by the time I wanted to go through it, it was covered over with junk!). I need to go down there and spend a few days with her going through it all - I bet at least 50% of it could go in a skip.

I find that her hoarding has made me want to NOT be a hoarder. I love books, but I tend to buy from charity shops and once I've read them, out they go. I have a stash of knitting stuff but it's mostly in the loft and I do go through it regularly and Ebay or give away anything i've gone off or won't use. I keep only the bare minimum of paperwork (bank statements scare me!) and I have memory boxes for my kids with one outfit, first shoes, christening cards, bracelet from hospital etc. I am sentimental, but I think the sentiment gets diluted if you have too many of these 'precious' items.

Once I made my mum throw out a Past Times catalogue which was 2 yrs out of date. She got really hot and bothered because "it had a nice picture on the front". I'm happy to say that I think that wouldn't happen now.

Poshbaggirl · 17/08/2011 21:41

Becarooo, i have every respect for opinions but if you look at OP, it asks hoarders, why?
You are not a hoarder, have no desire to shed any light on the subject and just want to give your opinion. Look out for the thread that says Are Hoarders All Barking Mad? Then you can have a field day!

Poshbaggirl · 17/08/2011 21:54

Anyway......

Have decided to tackle 40 yrs of accumulations in 2 sections. Pre children era and children era. 2 separate issues. So gonna divide the stuff up like that first and think about what the first 20 yrs was all about........one trunk worth of stuff can stay. Confused

(feeling a bit sad and exposed especially after unwelcome comments, but am selfishly using this thread as a self help medium. Nobody has to read or listen if they dont want to)

ChippingIn · 17/08/2011 23:52

Bugger - just wrote a reply to every single one of you and bloody thing was eaten by the internet/MN monster - grrrrrrrr

Please take from below anything you'd like/or needed!....

Grin :) :( HUG Angry Brew Wine

Goodynuff - that's a really interesting concept - do you feel it works well? I can see why you feel unsettled at the thought of them visiting... what's your plan of attack?? Your post put me back in time to when I was a teenager, in love, in Ontario skating along the Rideau Canal - a wonderful, wonderful time in my life - it's made me both :) and :(

Solo - how was your day??

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