Calling all hoarders out there......why?

[muriel76]

My DH is a bit of a hoarder. Some of his family are the same but particularly his mum, she seems to keep everything. They both like to also display pointless things ie books that will never be/never have been read etc.

Don't get me wrong, it is not a big deal or anything but I do want to understand why. It's hard to understand as my mum is the complete opposite and I am the same. DH and I have agreed to give the house (another!) big clear out and it would help me to hear a hoarder's view!

(Obviously I have talked with him about it many times BTW, I am just looking for other people's more neutral insights)

Thanks for any replies.

"My immediate family are hoarders and clutter bugs"

And so are mine. When I have been to stay with them I long to go back to my much smaller but more spacious looking, uncluttered and relatively dust free house. When my dad died in 1987 my mum decided to declutter. She started to get rid of stuff that had belonged to my grandmother - she died in 1962! and when my mum died in 1990 my sister and I had loads of our grandfather's correspodance to get rid of - he died in 1957!

I really, really don't understand why so many people keep so much rubbish. People are far more important to me than things. Maybe I am just not very materialistic.

Ironically, hoarding can be the opposite of materialistic IMHO.

It can be to do with thriftiness, not wanting to waste anything in case you may need it in the future or can't afford to buy a new one, or to throw away something you've saved for or carefully collected in the past.

In my parents' case, it's bone idleness. It's easier to hold onto the crap, shove in in drawers, in rooms they never use, etc than it is to actually sort it out.

Then before you know it, there is just so much that you don't know where to start anyway!

I am a ruthless chucker-outer. Possibly as a result of my mother being a 'shove it all in a drawer forever' person

Of course, this does mean that sometimes I throw something away and then several years later have a need for one and have to go get another one, but it's worth it because I'd rather have the space than have things piled up in every cupboard and on top of every unit.

Its putting a value on everything.
I knew someone who was so ruthless she told me she had recently thrown her husbands student id card that he'd kept for years. I thought that was a bit tough.
Eventually she threw him out too
She was very germanic, us Brits have this cunning culture which allows us to be self sufficient and ready for anything!

Thank you everyone who has given their thoughts to this thread. Sorry for slow OP reply but I have been away for a couple of days.

Some of these stories are really sad and it's clear there are many reasons for hoarding, and it takes all kinds. I can understand people who have lost everything as children wanting to keep hold of their things in later life, it really makes sense.

I think in the case of my DH, he def falls into the category of people who want to hold onto things in case they become useful later. For example his books, he thinks he will read and enjoy them in later life when he has retired and has the time (he is currently only 41!) and does not want them in the attic where they will get damp and mouldy so therefore wants them on a bookcase in our living space.

Thanks to everyone who has asked me to be gentle with him, I honestly am! That's partly why I posted thread, I am trying to understand even though it goes against my own behaviour/habits. I have never chucked out anything of his, not even holey socks etc as I respect it is his own stuff. It's hard though!!! If I had kept hold of my own stuff in the same way our house would be bursting at the walls!

He's lucky to have you as a lovely understanding wife! Have you shown him this thread? Do you think he could get insights into his own behaviour from it? Could it help him? It would show how you are trying to understand us nutty hoarders! Does he see the benefit of the space and clarity that having a little clearout achieves? I think you could sneakily get rid of some holey socks!! Or talk him threw it then reward with lovely new socks! Mmmmmm lovely noooo socks!

But seriously, thanks for the thread, it's been a really therapeutic and enjoyable one to have been involved in. And all lovely positive comments from nice MNers. Supportive hugs to all! X

Thank you poshbaggirl I might show him the thread one day when we are chatting about it all and not disagreeing. It's hard, as I think from a 'hoarder' it all feels like an attack although it isn't and it is a very, very personal thing.

I really appreciate everyone who has opened their heart on here as it is not a black or white subject in any way. Living with a hoader is hard, no doubt about that, but being one is also clearly very tough.

Thank you everyone xx

Also anyone that wants to keep chatting, please do! xx

Interesting thread. My dad is a hoarder, I think it stems from his childhood where his parents were very rigid and had their 'stuff' (even food) that he was never allowed to touch or use.

He's also a collector (postcards, records, videos, DVD's, stamps) and is a man of many hobbies (trainspotting, photography, metal detecting...)

I don't know how bad his house is now, despite living 10 minutes away from him I've not been into my childhood home for 10 years - he won't let me or my sister in to see it. And 10 years ago (on my last visit) it was pretty bad. I had 3 toddlers at the time and we had to dodge little bits of card laid out on the floor with different sized screws/nuts arranged on them and power tools in the kitchen (they'd go damp in the shed apparently) My old room was impassable, there was so much stuff in there that you couldn't open the door and at that time I know my dad was having to climb over stuff to get into bed at night in his room. ALso he had 2 sofa's in his living room, but only one seat was free to sit on due to piles of unopened mail/old TV guides.

The last time my sister went round the kitchen tops were full of glassjars with 'fat' in them because it 'might come in handy one day'

He's also the master of the half finished job - i.e deciding to paint the house and not finish it, or put in a new bathroom but not get rid of the old bath.

He maintains that because he works full time he hasn't got the time for housework. But IMHO his house has gone beyond what mere housework can do.

I don't hoard, I have items that I am attached to and which are stored in a plastic tub in my room, and I do chuck stuff out regularly. My sister is also a ruthless declutterer!!!

Whoa alistron! He's gone beyond a bit of hoarding. Thats serious. But if hes happy, and presumably no spring chicken, then best left to it. Nothing will make a hoarder happier than 'sorting' things out. I can relate to sorting screws and nails into sizes and types and feeling very 'in control' when i'd done it.
Ummmmmm 'in control'.....a significant hoarding goal?

Programme on hoarding on BBC1 on Tuesday at 10.35pm - here.

Oooo thanks Dexter!

With DH it's because in his words 'it will come in handy' no it wont it's a load of crap I don't let him keep all the crap now.

For me hoarding was primarily an emotionally driven response to the emotional hardship of my childhood, although it is also true to say that I had very little as a child in the way of toys/ clothes etc I also had poor role modelling from my parents who try to never throw anything away. Fortunately for them they moved to increasingly large houses and now have a house with floor area of 7,000 square feet plus outbuildings.What helped me to move on was to realise that Acquiring "things" would never be able to replace the love of my mother that was denied to me in childhood.

My DP is a non-hoarder and it drives me nuts. I am not a hoarder by any means but I do keep things that will be useful. 6 months ago I bought 2 tins of paint that I am going to use to paint 2 large cabinets. Havn't got round to it yet as I have a baby and I need a week of guaranteed sunshine to do it as I'll need to do it outside. Well last week when I was out he went through the garage and threw out the 2 tins of paint (1 of which was quite expensive as it was a special kind if primer). I was livid. I think his need to constantly de-clutter is some sort of mental control thing. He even tried to de-clutter my wallet once! That time I went ballistic and he apologised.

I don't just think it's hoarders that can be a bit bonkers though but it is interesting how people react to and manage their surroundings in different ways.

Just bumping to get to end of thread on iphone. Anyone know how to do that?

Essential, i can relate to that. It seems insurmountable when you didnt feel you got the love you needed. But i now have a strong faith which fills that hole.

While I am fairly ruthless at getting rid of "useless" stuff (usually recycling) I do hang on to things that might come in useful one day. We are lucky that we have loads of loft space and garage space to keep things in. For example, I keep paint in case I need to touch up marks that won't wash off, I keep curtain hooks and other bits and bobs of DIY stuff "just in case". The loft is full of toys and books that DD won't let me get rid of. We moved to a house with a much smaller kitchen so I have two boxes of occasionally used kitchen equipment in the loft.

What I won't hang on to are clothes that no longer fit, shoes that are past their best, books that I know that I will never read again - usually bought at summer fairs etc and get donated to the next fair etc. I keep recipes from magazines, but pass on the magazines to a friend.

Perhaps I just find it easier to recognise what is useless tat and what may come in useful.

DC'd clothes are my really difficult one - if they are still in good condition, I cannot throw them away. It seems 'wrong' to me. But maybe that's because DS1 is now wearing pyjamas that were my younger brothers'. Who is now 20. And DS1 is 9. But they were still good!

I try to find friends who will make use of them - but if I can't, they stay in boxes until I find someone who CAN make use of them. No clothes recycling local to me, so can't recycle them, can't charity shop them as no charity shops near me, I don't have a car to get the clothes to the charity shop AND the ones in my town won't pick up clothes, only furniture. So I have boxes of girls clothes in age 9-10, 10-11, 11-12, 12-13 AND 13-14 in the loft. I don't have quite as much boys clothes, as I give them to DS1's stepbrother after DS2 has finished with them. I have a few boxes in 12-18 months, 18-24mo and 2-3y. Which, OK, I have kept in the loft for 7 years, even though I wasn't expecting to have DS3, and couldn't have known DC4 was going to be a boy anyway, but they'll come in handy now. .

HOW to be more ruthless with clothing in these circumstances? Would you non-hoarders just bin them even though they are good to use still?

And as for the being OK to get rid of things if they've not been used for a year, not everyone can afford to go out and buy another, so they HAVE to keep the one they have. Even if, in the case of my drill, it doesn't get used for 2 years, then gets used 3 times and not used again for ages. Couldn't afford to buy another when the one I've got is still good, just means I have to find soemwhere to keep it.

No, I wouldn't bin anything that can be of use to someone else. Do you not get charity bags put through your letter box? We seem to get them every other week.

Do you not have any friends or family who can take them to a charity shop for you or give you a lift? Do you not know anyone else at all who can make use of them?

Just had another thought. Perhaps you could ring one or two of the charity shops and explain that you have no means of getting clothes to them. Perhaps one of the volunteers lives near you and would be willing to collect them.

I dont think this is classified as pathological hoarding. Its bad when you have so much stuff you cant find it when you need it. Its great you have it in organised boxes. There really isnt a hoarding issue here. Plus you've admitted you'd give things away if you could find a home for it and you've given other stuff away.
It's only an issue if you are stupidly attached to things and cant part with them.
Sounds like you have a very sensible thrifty streak!

Of course there's a difference between pathological and simple problem hoarding, and then just storage. Bunbaker says she hoards things which will be useful and seems to have a systematic approach and a good handle on what's put where. I call that storage.

It would move in to 'problem hoarding' if (a) there were no more children in the family or her network who could possibly make use of the clothes or (b) the boxes were preventing easy use of a space that they shouldn't be in.

I'm in the problem hoarding phase because our loft is not boarded (deliberately) and everything is in our living room (more than two thirds floor covered - it's like a storage unit not a room) but I am getting out of it by constantly pushing things out. I have ebay auctions of stuff going on now, and we've just agreed on one set of chairs to be auctioned, then we'll consider whether the others will be made better by investing in re-upholstery. I'm going to try to never let the sun go down on an auction or a charity shop box, until the problem is significantly reduced. Only then will we board the loft and nothing will go up there that is not genuinely worth storing.

Incidentally, we get charity bags through the door too, but we also get 'Clothes recycling for worthy causes' leaflets which are NOT CHARITIES and it really ticks me off. These are recycling companies who take your stuff, sort it (I'd like to think this provides some low level employment for people but I don't hold out much hope) and then take the good stuff to sell on. Who knows if they then actually recycle the rest. This makes a profit for someone but I doubt very much it's the loosely described cancer charities or 'the third world'...

So check carefully those appeals through your door and look for 'registered charity' reference not just a 'registered company'.

Very interesting reading.

I don't think I am a hoarder, I just like stuff. Poking around a flea market is my number one favourite way of spending a day.

I do have quite a lot of stuff (eg I can see four clocks from where I'm sitting - though I don't usually wear a watch so I do use them all to tell the time), but I am fairly efficient about selling or giving away the stuff I no longer adore. I bought a chair and a rug at an auction last week and as soon as the sun comes out I will be taking photos of the chair and rug they're going to replace and listing them on eBay.

Lexi I wont give to those non charity bag collections. Occasionally, I put stuff in them that is not much good...that way, I get rid of some not much good stuff and they can rag it or whatever!

I've been going to ebay stuff for years and never got round to it but for ten lots I put up a few years ago and sold 3 items for next to nothing. It hardly seemed worth the effort it took to list and post them tbh.

I read the article attached to that link Dexter put up and I could've cried. It feels so familiar in some ways. Right now I could imagine my children being taken away from me because it's got so bad :( I have to deal with it. I have to.

I'm a hoarder, my bedroom has currently taken over by books, we cannot get round one side of the bed because there's boxes and boxes of books there. All of them have been read by me tho, so at least there not completely pointless.

I think for me it stems from a few different things. As a child my mother frequently binned toys that I still wanted whilst I was still at school. She was my opposite, OCD to the extreme. Then as a teen I moved all over the place and one move was 30 miles away to live with a bf, who broke my heart and when I left I had to fit everything I could into my brother's small car which meant a lot got left behind.

When my Mum died I got photos and clothing dumped in my backyard by her husband's family, and the things that had the most sentimental value were refused to me as they took them - things that meant nothing to them at all. I've finally almost let go of the clothing I won't wear 6 years on.

After her death I never threw anything out, I was depressed and my motivation was nil, now I'm getting around to it bit by bit. I was very fortunate to have a wonderful friend who helped me sort out an entire room one day about a year ago. It's a gradual process for me, things are better but there's such a long way to go.