20 year old furious with me for home educating them

[woollybean]

Has anyone had any experience of this as I am really struggling. They are depressed with anxiety and blaming it completely on them being HE’d. They have alway been able to communicate with anybody when they were a child and they were never isolated, encouraged to join groups etc. Their mental health is really bad at the moment and it’s breaking my heart. I have suggested making an appointment with the GP for help and they already see a private therapist for CBT but they’re just getting worse. They say that they’ll never get better and they’re just existing.

Unless your dc couldn’t cope with mainstream education, then you did do them a disservice by forcing your views on mainstream education on them and denying them the opportunity to experience school in the real sense. Going to some clubs isn’t the same as going to school. Could you increase the therapy?

Why were they home educated? Because of you, or because of them?

Why did you home educate her/him?

Young people this age often blame their parents for how they feel. Whether the home ed is the real driver of their poor mental health or whether they’re just lashing out at you and using it as a convenient reason is impossible to know.

Was there a strong educational and medical reason why you home schooled them?

Did they tell you throughout that journey they wished to attend school, and you forbade it?

I can see how they could feel like they missed out on what the majority of children do experience in developed countries.

I hope they can continue counselling and maybe start doing college or Uni if that's what they would like?

You presumably did what you thought was best and you can't turn back the clock. But do listen to what they're saying about how it affected them.

What was the reason behind home educating your child?

Depends why you home educated.

Have they got qualifications and have they ever worked? Do you have other children?

CBT might not be the right approach. I’m sorry you’re both having such a difficult time 💐

regardless of social interaction were they able to develop independence and self driven motivation in the same way as someone in mainstream would do? Or was most stuff done for them?

Parents often see their children's experience completely differently to how the children themselves experienced it. Is this out of the blue or has said child complained about home schooling often in the past? Did they object while it was happening and you chose not to notice? If so then you really have to accept they may have a point and take a long, hard look at yourself. Impossible to know what's really going on here without a lot more information.

I home edded my now grown up DC. The eldest went through an anti home ed phase when he started 6th form but he’s at uni now and generally seems happy with his past and fairly pro home edding. The younger two - at college - say they can see advantages and disadvantages but overall are pleased they were home ed. I have a friend who home edded who has a ND 21 year old who goes through phases of blaming her for home edding her and making her different. It’s really obvious to me that she would have seriously struggled at school as she has ASC. She doesn’t really accept the ASC though and so looks to blame her mum and home ed for her differences.

Did they come out with a similar level of qualifications and opportunities as they are likely to have got if they attended school? I can definitely see why they would feel wronged if a desired career path not open to them that they might otherwise have been able to follow.

What in particular do they feel has held them back or contributed to their poor mental health?

He was home edded because he has Aspergers and we had several attempts at attending different school at various years which he totally kicked back against. He absolutely wanted to HE and was an extremely happy child. He has got GCSE’s and attended college for a year which he enjoyed but didn’t want to do any further courses. I would have much preferred he attended school.

I think there will be a lot of children who feel like this in years to come. Another hangover from covid . But we need more context op - why did you home ed them?

Maybe home ed was a good fit for them, maybe it wasn't. Probably no type of schooling is perfect. You can be lucky or unlucky in whichever setting. It sounds like they are lashing out and looking for someone / something to blame for their anxiety and depression.
If they are getting worse with the therapist, what about looking for a different person or a different therapeutic approach.
Are they happy with their therapist? What does the DC themself see as the way forward?

You say CBT might not be the right approach, just wondering why that would be?
He has 2 half siblings which he is very close to.

Absolutely idiotic comment.

Universal education has only been around in this country since the 1800s. Do you think humanity was just sitting around waiting for it to be invented so they could have the "opportunity to experience" it? It's completely unnatural for human beings to go and sit in a class of 30 people of the same age for 6 hours a day.

And yes, my children do go to school. But I don't pretend I'm doing it because they need it.

It sounds like he's trying to find a peg to hang his current unhappiness on, and home ed is an easy one to pick. But he did go to college and didn't complete it so it isn't fully home ed, or your, fault. Hopefully he can talk stuff out.

OP it sounds very much like that your child wouldn't have done well and could have become really ill if forced into mainstream or an unacceptable special school in this situation. I have seen it first hand unfortunately.

He's probably looking for someone to blame because it's easier that seeing that the problem comes from him. Even though it's obviously not his fault.

This is more idiotic than the comment you are replying to. We don’t know how happy people were before 1800. Society was different back then and it’s pointless to compare a young person growing up in 21st century to someone before 1800.

Yes, it's well known we're going through an epidemic of happiness now and most people universally loved secondary school. I apologize, my mistake.

Is it regular CBT or adapted CBT?

There are some therapists who offer CBT which is adapted for people with autism, you may find this more appropriate for him if he's not already receiving it. Not sure if it's available on the NHS though.

Unfortunately grown up children who aren't happy are encouraged to reflect deeply on their childhood and they will always find something the parents didn't do quite right and will often pin everything on it.

I know adult children who blame their parents for their difficulties stating various different things their parents did wrong.

Try not to take the blame on too much. It sounds as though school was a very tough environment for him so you were trying to rescue him from that system, by the sounds of it for all the right reasons.

I would talk it through at length if he wants to to help him get his head around it.

My mum home educated me and I use the term very loosely as she didn’t do much educating and I’m angry at her over it too, yes I was being bullied but I think she should have tried harder to get me into another school.

Also to other commenters.

Can you please remember we are experiencing a mental health crisis in the UK. Regardless of the education setting, we all do the best we can with the information we have at the time. As some one else said, kids blame their parents for a lot as teens/young adults.

Questioning the why, how etc doesn't actually answer the OP's question of "Has anyone ever experienced this?" even if you don't have direct experience of home ed, no parent is immune to being blamed by their child or experiencing a child suffering from poor mental health.