20 year old furious with me for home educating them

[woollybean]

Has anyone had any experience of this as I am really struggling. They are depressed with anxiety and blaming it completely on them being HE’d. They have alway been able to communicate with anybody when they were a child and they were never isolated, encouraged to join groups etc. Their mental health is really bad at the moment and it’s breaking my heart. I have suggested making an appointment with the GP for help and they already see a private therapist for CBT but they’re just getting worse. They say that they’ll never get better and they’re just existing.

@woollybean Pleased to see the vile post was deleted. ❤️

That post was horrible, but I think there was a grain of usefulness.

In your view is he doing his best to get better. (And I mean him, not you)

Secondly, are you allowed to have boundaries- he says You got it wrong. But are you allowed to say “Actually, that’s a decision I’m pretty confident about given how you felt about school, so it isn’t going to become the truth because you are unhappy now. I’m absolutely not prepared to be your punchbag, and I am entitled to basic courtesy and respect.”

I didn't say get rid of him I said he needs to get a job. You can fight and protect him but you won't be around forever you need to strengthen this lad. Your soft approach isn't working. We're all mentally challenged one way or another but it's the tools we teach them to get strong and fight. He can work and have therapy loads of people do it. You need to teach him how to cope and be independent. You don't have to chuck him out for him to be independent.

I think you need to try and stop ‘helping’ here. You’re making it worse. Your initial post was vile, and rightly deleted. This post sounds condescending. I’m quite sure OP won’t want to listen to you anyway after your previous words, so maybe step away from this thread.

Honestly op, no matter what any of u s do for our children they will to offering degrees throw it back at us at some point. Part of the anxiety around development and separation.

I'd send looking for an ACP registered psychotherapist. Firstly, with his permission, or with a separate parent worker, they can hear from you about how things went and why you made the choices you did. Although the person working with him will be helping him with his mental health, they will be able to keep the whole picture in mind. Secondly, they can get to the bottom of why he may be feeling this way now and support him to begin to think about what the qay forward might look like.

You will all come through this.

You're right my approach is very hard I won't give anymore advice. My partner visits properties all the time and sees grown men living at home and not working. They tell him what's wrong with them and it's sad to listen to and even see it. What a waste.

Just chipping in to add that CBT can be absolutely appropriate and effective for those who are ND, as long as the therapist has had specialist training in adapting interventions. Obviously bog standard CBT could be harmful if it’s not adapted to suit the individual, by an adequately qualified person. If you could afford it, I would suggest looking for Clinical Psychologists or CBT Therapists privately who have a special interest and additional qualifications in neurodivergence. Make sure they are BABCP/HCPC registered.

It sounds really tough, you did your best by him, hopefully with help he can start feeling happier.

My son has thrown the fact he went to a fee paying school back at me. ‘Waste of money’ ‘where did it get me’ etc etc. He is not at all academic but I think he benefitted in many ways. I certainly wouldn’t have home schooled him (there’d be a suspicious lump in the back garden if I had), and the state schools near us were inadequate.
Interestingly my highly academic DD has also thrown this back at me. She’s at Durham, and says that she’s embarrassed she went to a private school, and there a strong anti-independent bias (quite the opposite of it’s reputation). All her friends were state educated. I have told her that she got the best education I could give her, she has succeeded very well, and to treat her privilege with contempt was inexcusable.
So you’ll get it no matter what. It’s something/anything he can complain about and hold responsible for the way things are now.

Good luck with the appointment Woollybean, youve done the right thing reaching out to the GP and hopefully you will get some help moving forward. My son had to have mental health support in his early 20s but is now in a better place; he lives with us and we continue to support him. It can be hard for us ND families but I hope you can see the support on here for you and your family.

I would suggest you look up the statistics on how many people with autism are in employment, and how many of those are in full time employment. Then once you've done that, talk to some people with autism who are in employment about their experiences. I am quite happy to volunteer to tell you about mine. After you've done all of that, come back here and see if you still stand by your comments, both the general nature of the advice and how you've chosen to word that advice.

I tried to post on your thread earlier but it didn't upload.

Has anyone suggested Mindjam? They can be good for young people who need support from other autistic people. I've only heard good things about them.

This is a scenario where your adult child is not coping with life and needs to have a reason why.

Please don’t beat yourself up thinking you have wronged him, you haven’t.

At 20 he is in control of his destiny and can choose whether to pull himself and seek help or stay and wallow in self pity.

Is it usual for people with autism to direct their struggles at their mothers? My sister (undiagnosed, but clearly on the spectrum) struggled with anorexia and blamed it all on our mother, who in my opinion tried really hard to help her, hence my suggestion.

You should not blame yourself or feel guilty for the choices you have made because you always had his best interests at heart. He is currently acutely aware of his differences and difficulties compared to other people of his age and is looking for a scapegoat. If he is open to medication, that would be a good start to improving his mental health. Otherwise, maybe a life coach or therapy of some kind to help him navigate his next steps might help. He probably also needs a job where he has some contact with colleagues even if he works from home, just so he can feel connected and increase his self-esteem.

But she said unless there are special needs or circumstances, so she is not talking about kids like your girls. She ia talking about stubborn parents who did it for no reason than what they felt right rather than need arising from their children.

In general people tend to target the most secure bond they have in their lives because they feel most confident in them not abandoning them. This is often mothers.

Are parents who send their children to school stubborn or is it only HE parents?

Absolutely 100% agree with this. I think most posters here have a dim understanding of history, especially the history of education. Ah well, TikTok and Insta it is.

Before posting, this was re-written multiple times with my Son who is laughing his head off, he is home schooled.

He is blaming you for his choices.

He’s mentally unwell. Maybe it’s time for impatient therapy.

I think that autistic people very often blame other people @mugglewump . In my experience they are not often not very insightful about other people, and so they can give a full analysis about their own thoughts but are clueless about others

I did ask my son (16) who is our middle child in 3, will you blame us in future for home schooling, he said "of course" with a smile, then I asked "will you blame us if we sent you to school", he said "of course" with a smile.

So no matter what, we will be blamed till they attain a certain age. Our elder daughter, 26, came out of the blame phase a year back.