20 year old furious with me for home educating them

[woollybean]

Has anyone had any experience of this as I am really struggling. They are depressed with anxiety and blaming it completely on them being HE’d. They have alway been able to communicate with anybody when they were a child and they were never isolated, encouraged to join groups etc. Their mental health is really bad at the moment and it’s breaking my heart. I have suggested making an appointment with the GP for help and they already see a private therapist for CBT but they’re just getting worse. They say that they’ll never get better and they’re just existing.

Since you're already paying for therapy...
CBT isn't the best therapy choice for a person with ASD. Have a look at the ACP website to see if you can find a local child/adolescent psychotherapist (they work with people up to 25). This type of therapy looks at the why of a problem, rather than offering tools or techniques like CBT does

The obvious next step is employment.

Sorry you did this on your own, he probably could have benefited from SEN support, appropriate education and support transition to independent living.

OP another mother here of a teen with high functioning autism. We kept her in school but she was isolated and bullied. We're still recovering from the effects. Guess what, she blamed me too ( less so now).

I'd also say explore more options for therapy/ medication. Ignore the blaming as best you can (it's hard!) as trying to argue will only upset him more and he's in no place to reason.

And look after yourself. Being the scapegoat is quite a job.

The diagnoses are retained but now have different name, even op's son's. And I wasn't policing her language, I was replying to her when she said "...nor did I realise Aspergers is an out of date term" by explaining why.

Then this is what you say to him. It was not my choice, You couldn't cope with the system and repeatedly got kicked out. I don't believe that's your fault either the system just wasn't for you . Home ed was incredibly hard work for us both but we did it and I am personally very proud of what we have achieved together. It something similar. Get a script and stick to it

So unfair and hard on you

you took the decision you thought was right with the information you had at the time

keep repeating that if necessary. And help your son to not get stuck in blame-thinking. What is done is done and it is now time to think about the future and what is next

my 20 yr old suffered great mental health problems and once he was more stable with his medication, he was able to look for a job and that has been so good for him, it really helped his self esteem, and he was able to grow so much

getting your boy stable (meds/tgerapy/life) and giving him tasks in the home, and then focus on him getting a job (any job) is the best thing

good luck. Parenting a 20 yr old young man is hard. Nobody tells you this …

Yes, also what @Tontostitis said. Simple but real explanation then stick to it

then move to forward thinking

This is a very difficult situation for everyone involved. I am also autistic and have a similar issue in that I find it hard not to look back at the past with rose coloured glasses. It can't have been that bad, can it? Surely if I had "just" done this, if they had "just" done that, my life would be so much better than it is now. Unfortunately it is really hard to break out of this mindset. The only thing I can say is that you may find this gets better as he ages. I am in my late 30's now and can usually talk myself out of that train of thought whereas I know I couldn't at 20.

I think the people suggesting autism aware counsellors are doing it from a good place but the unfortunate reality, at least for me, is that the ones I tried were so incredibly patronising that I couldn't stand them. Autism is not a synonym for "person of low intelligence" or "violent person" and I found that undertone present in every professional I saw. And if someone who has had enough training to label themselves autism aware is patronising and wholly unhelpful, what hope do we have for getting professional help at all? That's not to say he shouldn't try but if he does report the same as I found you should believe him and not try to force him to go.

Has he been able to articulate exactly what is missing for him right now? I think that would be my first port of call, see if you can get any specifics out of him and then you might be able to form some sort of plan.

The diagnosis that's actually written on the son's physical records won't have changed.

My son struggles with the fact that his written diagnosis is Asperger's syndrome. It just is. It's there on paper. Nobody writes to you in retrospect to say, "By the way, we've changed this." And he doesn't easily "do" change, anyway.

I know that he's taken some of the criticism of Asperger to heart as if he's tarred by it himself.

I’m a psychologist. I suggest ACT therapy for this kind of thing. CBT wouldn’t be my therapy of choice. Plenty of psychologists practice ACT.

in addition to the GP visit, do you live anywhere near any autism support centres? NHS runs a few, as do some charities. It would be helpful to access support for your son and the wider family. Also to help with building social skills. you might find some if you Google ‘autism support services near me’.

Op I think you can say to your son you recognise that he is in pain and anxious, but you tried various schools and it didn’t work for him. Stick to the facts. Do not get emotional or upset. It’s okay to repeat to him that you did your best with the options you had, whilst also accepting it hasn’t been easy. Recognising how hard it is for him.

CBT is just about strategies and reframing mindsets, maybe he needs to talk to someone that will hear his stories and the difficulties he has had, it might help him process, and figure out the source of his anxiety?

Whilst it would be easy to blame yourself op, it is not clear you had much more choice but to home educate. He sounds frustrated with himself mostly.

This is a very good point.

Edited: I clearly hadn’t RTFT & was just repeating everyone else!

The policing of the diagnostic term is tedious isnt it, its not surprising some people sadly struggle with the criticism of its use.

OP it sounds like you made the right decision given the situation and support available, as others have said its a lot easier to 'blame' a decision someone else made in the past (no matter how justified) than have to reflect and accept the fact that it's something that cannot be changed and no ones fault that life is what it is. I would confide in someone you trust for support for yourself as it is hard to hear this when you did it out of necessity and at sacrifice to yourself which you wouldnt have wanted to do if school was an option; he is not the right audience for that conversation though! Some good tips on here- realistically him struggling in the here and now is the bigger issue.

Yes, the ink on the piece of paper has not magically changed.

It must be hard for your son and it's unfortunate that people did not do their research properly before naming certain autistic people after a Nazi eugenicist but all we can do now is try to mitigate the damage. My diagnosis also mentions Asperger's but after looking him up there is no way I want any part of me named in his honour! But then I am assuming I am much older than your son and have had longer to learn to accept change.

This ❤️

OP it sounds to me as though he'd find something to be furious with you about.

To me, it seems much more likely that the reasons he was struggling in school are the same reasons he's struggling with his mental health now.

It's really difficult for you being in the firing line like this with an unwell child (albeit an adult "child"). Make sure you take some time and space to look after yourself as well.

Were children working back then instead?

As hard as it will be I think you need to put your own feelings aside, hold your hands up and apologise. There’s no point fighting back as it will just upset him further.

Say that you genuinely thought you were doing the right thing at the time and you’re sorry if it now turns out that it wasn’t.

Don’t include any ‘buts’ or weight on him during your apology. Keep it simple and clear.

My younger DD has learning difficulties, and struggled at School .All good to year 8,found it hard to cope in a School Enviroment .She was much happier at home, and we took her to Museums .Arranged work from a Tutor. Her older DS was the complete opposite and loved School .I think your DS is being unfair.He probably feels like many young people a little unsure of himself , and looks back with rose tinted specs .My DD usually says she would like to have come out of School earlier! I also think this is a more common problem than people realise .Many young people struggle with MH issues whether HE or not.

Mumsnet is full of threads about men and women, who cannot function in society and their relationships with balanced, fair and mature conduct. Almost all of them had school as their formative source of socialization as children. Despite this people roll out socialization through school as unquestionably better, without ever offering a justification. In my experience, the only people who ever agree with me are invariably teachers. I'll never understand the vitriol towards people who home educate. We should all be doing it to a greater or lesser extent, regardless of if your child also attends a school.

Hello Woollybean; I'm sorry to read of the difficult situation you are in. I went through a patch with my autistic son who went through a patch blaming me for his educational difficulties. I didn't home educate him as such but he did spend time at home recovering from his primary school experiences. I had to gently explain to him why he had a spell at home, what happened at school and how hard it was to get him the right support. I reassured him that I loved him and that I did my best for him. Slowly he became less angry but I can totally understand why he felt that way as he was trying to make sense of his earlier experiences. In terms of support for your son, I'd recommend you look for a neurodivergent informed therapist (maybe an autistic therapist) who can adjust therapy to his needs and have insight into the challenges he faces. They may offer more creative or integrative therapies rather than just one type. All the best and I hope he soon feels better. x

OP nobody needs to be right or wrong about this. Instead I strongly suggest you take him seriously and stop reminding him of this or that or being defensive. You need to drop it. He's currently thinking HE is the source of his issues. You accept that (you don't have to change your view on this) and be open to whatever he feels or thinks. He gets to have his own views and feelings about things you know.

Also, as a typical parent you say how happy he was. Frankly, you probably have no idea. Nobody is happy all the time with everything. Not even kids. So you open up to his world if you want to maintain a relationship with your son and drop the 'he was so happy, he wanted to be HE'. It doesn't matter. He wants to be seen and heard.

Whenever an adult child blames you for a choice like that as a child my opinion is its better to validate their feelings than try to explain it away.
You can explain how you felt at the time and why you made the choice, but they'll likely feel a lot less resentment if you say in hindsight you might have been wrong and are sorry.
Definitely don't stick to your view and tell them it was the best choice.