20 year old furious with me for home educating them

[woollybean]

Has anyone had any experience of this as I am really struggling. They are depressed with anxiety and blaming it completely on them being HE’d. They have alway been able to communicate with anybody when they were a child and they were never isolated, encouraged to join groups etc. Their mental health is really bad at the moment and it’s breaking my heart. I have suggested making an appointment with the GP for help and they already see a private therapist for CBT but they’re just getting worse. They say that they’ll never get better and they’re just existing.

You’re an idiot to believe the children these days should do it cause they did it before the 1800’s - what planet do you live on
there was no luxuries back then, I bet you have them today
wise up!

Actually yours is the idiotic comment. What do you think people do in offices with actual people in it and sit at a desk for more than 6hrs?

Going back to the 1800s. Time has moved on.

Adult children will always find something to blame their parents for. I am sure you did your best. Now is the time to look at how you can both go forward together, don’t beat yourself up about it. You sound like a caring parent

SmallandSpanish
CBT is not effective for Autistic people as far as I know. (Did you know Asperger’s is an out of date term btw?)

We use the term Asperger’s still with my brother as does he, changing a word then assuming someone will pick up another word means nothing to people who have accepted it as their truth. (Sorry I just get fed up of people telling me it’s not a thing, it will continue to be Asperger’s in our family as it took time to be accepted as that)

And we don’t use cbt but as far as I know it is used in autism

Op your child is just lashing out as we all do, looking to throw blame at those closest. Sorry you’re all going through this and also that they’re feeling like this. Considering the fact they they got to college level etc, sometimes things just don’t stick and it’s just luck which doesn’t help. I’m not sure if this is the right advice but I think you can’t convince him, you can just be there

Explore neurodivergent counselling with him, depending on his needs and the qualifications of the neurodivergent therapist, possibly alongside other therapy.

Asperger's is a big part of who he is and how he processes things and it would be helpful for him to know that and what support and strategies he may need as an adult at various points in his life to thrive.

It can be particularly difficult for people on the autism spectrum to launch into adult life as the unwritten requirements are just so different from school (or home ed). Support, advice and therapy from someone who really gets it and can affirm him could do wonders. I believe there is a group of neurodivergent therapists who offer online sessions in the UK.

All the best to you both.

Just to say I’m autistic and CBT worked wonders for my anxiety it was very logical and made a lot of sense.
agree try gp/meds.
maybe try accepting his feelings but explain the past can’t be changed so what would help now inthe present? He’s (probably subconsciously) using his education as an excuse not to move forward because it’s hard to move forward in to adulthood.

Adding to the chorus, don’t take this personally- it’s about how he’s feeling right now, not about decisions that were taken in the past.

Firstly, I would try and stay very calm and logical, and reply very factually- yes, I wish you’d gone to school too. Yes, home ed does have disadvantages. It’s a shame that we couldn’t find a school that worked for you. I didn’t want to do home ed either. I was so pleased when you went to college. Etc.
Remember your reasons at the time were bullet proof- it wasn’t a choice you made but the last resort you were left with. He just needs to go through it many times to process it.

Secondly, move the focus to how he feels now. Do you feel uncomfortable and think that’s because of home ed? Do you think you’d have more in common with other young people, if you’d been to school? What can we do now to help you make some connections etc etc.

Allottments, Hackspaces, Men in Sheds can be good places for young men to find a community.

Re Aspergers - you’re right of course but don’t forget that when the DSM changed from version 4 to 5, existing diagnoses were retained. That is the OP’s son’s diagnosis. Policing language isn’t exactly helping her…

Surely the issue could be coming to the end of his life at home and having to go out into the world and face and deal with strangers.
Perhaps he is frightened of that or perhaps he has been doing that and it’s not going well for him.
Im not sure if Asperger’s includes adhd but there is medication to help with that.
There are so many books and podcasts about adhd and autism - are you up to speed with all the info now available?

You did well. He got some exams. He did level 1 of a course. He was not miserable every day, as a square peg in a round hole in mainstream. Be kinder to yourself.

He now needs a new plan.

1. There are more opps and apprenticeships for SEND now. Did he ever get an EHCP? Did he get a formal written diagnosis? If so, he'd be eligible. I'd get onto careers service and see what's around (presuming he isn't working right now?)
2. There are more apps and dating sites for autistic people now. Google them and see what's near you. He could state he is looking for friendships only and see what comes of it.
3. Routine. He needs to establish one if he has regressed, even if it is basic needs met with exercise and an errand a day
4. Meds. Worth a try - some kind of mood stabiliser as pp mentioned.

Hand hold. We are the safe space. We get all the venting. It is our fault even when it's not. Xxx

OP I went through a phase in my 20s of feeling really angry my parents never sent me to clubs to help me develop a skill/hobby and missed my ASD/ADHD status. I don't feel that way anymore. I think it's a normal phase and hopefully one that is grown out of!

ds2 used to tell me that I stopped him from going out of the house. Let's just ignore the mammoth effort I took for years in trying to encourage, bribe etc etc to get him to step outdoors. But the thing is it is easier to blame your mother than to blame yourself and admit that you do find things difficult.

I am glad to say that at the moment ds2 is going out of the house, actually doing a Summer job at the moment, and has a few friends so things can change. What made the change I really don't know - maybe it was gaining some qualifications so he did not feel worthless, maybe it was getting some hope that he could succeed watching his brother who also had difficulties progress, maybe it was just maturity. I used to tell ds2 I can not change what was in the past even though I can agree it was pretty shit. But the past does not have to define your future and that opportunity was waiting when he felt ready to take it.

I'm sorry he seems to be struggling a to the moment - and that it is coming out as such a personal attack on you and what you felt was the best at the time. I think if it wasn't home ed he would find something else to be fixating his unhappiness on - quite possibly school!

I'm not sure why some PPs are touting mainstream DC school as a kind of utopia that you have cruelly made him miss out on. So many MH issues arise from school, it's not exactly tailored to nurture every child and doesn't suit many, but we squeeze them through anyway.

Some people saying you did a disservice? Or didn't give him the 'opportunity' to experience school? It's not the be all and end all.

I think you should be straight with him that you were following his lead, and if he had wanted to go to school, you would have allowed it and encouraged it. That its fine to wonder about what different options would have been like, but dont start rewriting history and acting as if you forced it.
Remind him that you worked extremely hard on his education and for him to be able to access qualifications and that you hope he can make peace with it, because you cant change the past, and school is shit anyway

@woollybean

This isn’t your fault. I have a child with an EHCP - DC is vulnerable and I don’t know what the future will hold.

You’d have been ‘blamed’ for pushing your DC to go to school, you’d have been ‘blamed’ for home schooling.
I think are society and education system has a long, long way to go in terms of supporting inclusion and if my DC continues to experience the unfairness, discrimination and negative attitudes that exist - I will consider home schooling.

I think a ‘this is where we are, I did what I thought was best, I could see you were happy and I’m so proud of what you have achieved, how can we move on now, what will help’ proactive stance will work best - but also try to have the self confidence that you did what you did for the best. Your DC will pick up on your self belief.

With Covid, the SEND crisis - more families are home schooling. I’ve experienced a local school already rejecting my DC’s placement - so what do I do? I expect private will also reject, the nearest specialist school I know has a high staff turnover plus behaviour struggles which would overwhelm my DC, plus long waiting list plus transport.
He sounds like he has done really well. Keep reiterating that and how proud you are of him.

You're a mother so welcome to the "everything is your fault" period in your adult child's life. It's much easier to blame your parents for your own shortcomings than to admit you might have some yourself. Please advocate for yourself @woollybean and don't let this get to you. Hopefully he will mature and realise that you took the hard route for him while forcing him to continue mainstream would have made your life so much easier.

You could be sat here with him saying he was bullied or felt isolated at school, and blaming yourself for not home educating him. Sometimes you just can't win. Remind yourself that he got tailored one to one tuition and attention, not one in a class of thirty. It's easy to hand over your kids education to someone else, then pick fault with those who don't. It's even easier to find a kid that hated school and felt disturbed emotionally by the experience.

So DS is having counselling.
That might help.
Also start being a bit tougher. He couldn't cope with real school so he will not have social skills like others.

Insist that he get a part time job in any field - packing shelves is not beneath any person so to afford their own food and lodging. He needs to earn money.
He needs to confront the unease of making friends, meeting targets, and paying for his own place on the planet.

He can always swap jobs, retrain to something he enjoys etc. but sitting at home is not an option for a 20 year old man.
You do not have to facilitate laziness and introspection.

For me, personally, I learnt a lot of my social interactions from school (I have Asperger’s). Being home educated would have massively impeded me in terms of learning how to socialise, talk to and generally communicate with others in a variety of situations. Also, being pushed to do things like talk in class and read aloud was actually good for me (though at the time it didn’t feel like it!)

Im not sure why the pp said this however not everyone responds to CBT. It requires a lot of work and input from the patient and can be very challenging. It's not a magic wand and if the patient doesn't put the work in it won't change anything. Having said that my dd responded incredibly well (adhd, age 14) and more or less completely eradicated quite severe OCD over the 8 week sessions. She still works at keeping it at bay but it's been life changing so its worth a try.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this @woollybean - it’s very distressing to have an older child who’s unhappy. I really feel for you.
My ADHD DN who’s on meds for ADHD was also highly anxious (and possibly depressed last year) he was prescribed citraline (I hope spelling is right).
He says this is something that’s really helped his anxiety and is feeling much better and calmer.
If you can get medication for him this could be a good start.
Could he do some kind of trip? Where he’s with a group of young people? Would he be interested in that? Something with purpose, some kind of eco tourism project. A friend of mine worked in Indonesia in an Orangutang sanctuary and he worked for 17 months as a lifeguard to raise money for it., When he came back he felt in the right headspace for uni.

wishing you both all the very best and sending love xx

@Pricelessadvice

Whereas I suspect I would receive an ASD diagnosis today, and it’s taken me years and years to overcome the ridicule, ostracisation, bullying etc I received at school - realise I am worthy (with the help of being on anti depressants for years) and that I can succeed.

I think home schooling can work for many children.

I agree.

Do people do their children a disservice by forcing their views on them and denying them opportunity to experience home ed in the real sense. Mainstream education isn't perfect, people just blindly accept it as "the norm" to send 4 year olds to an institution every day.

The vast majority of children attend school and many many of them have mental health issues.

Reminds me of when I had my first child. A very wise midwife said, "just remember as a mum you are always in the wrong." It is so true isn't it, we get blamed for whatever we do.