Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Home ed

Find advice from other parents on our Homeschool forum. You may also find our round up of the best online learning resources useful.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To ask what you think when you hear a child is home educated

684 replies

turquoiseamethyst · 15/03/2015 23:19

I suppose I am trying to gauge a range of opinions.

I am seriously - possibly definitely (definitely maybe?) going to be home schooling my 8 year old for a period of time.

I don't know why I'm worried; perhaps because it's so beyond the norm of what we have experienced before. I don't know anyone who home educates; I wasn't educated at home myself and I think I have known rather a lot of people who are very much of the view that school is all important. I've never particularly subscribed to that view but I've always wanted my children to have a 'normal' upbringing and going to school seems very much a part of that?

Does anyone have any views? As I'm going to possibly be de registering him tomorrow?

OP posts:
Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 15/03/2015 23:57

Thanks :)

I think DS always found socialising at school quite hard. He is a very inoffensive child so has always mingled in quite well but has never had any very strong friendships or groups of friends. He's not really into football which seems to be what most of the other boys do at play.

He gets party invitations and he gets included - just sort of always on the outside. :(

OP posts:
claraagain · 15/03/2015 23:58

But you are treating the symptom and not the cause. Not wanting to go to school is a symptom. The cause seems much deeper rooted. You must treat that.

You really must get him the professional help that he deserves and is entitled to. This cannot be managed by well meaning teachers and parents. It isnt usual.

He will get the professional help. As a child referred in these circumstances. Are you suggesting that you have been refused a camhs referral ?

basgetti · 15/03/2015 23:58

I de registered my son a couple of weeks ago, it was absolutely the best thing for him. Realising that I didn't have to keep sending him to school and making the move has been very liberating. I had some lovely support and advice from the HE board, maybe take a look there?

Italiangreyhound · 15/03/2015 23:58

I have just seen about the panic attacks. I must say I think stopping going into school might end up making it worse. What if he starts to not cope with going out at all. His world, and your world, would shrink.

I had anxiety about 15 years ago, it led to a kind of agoraphobia. (not exactly but I sometimes think it could have). However, I had CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) which was very, very helpful. This was through the local hospital mental health unit and was free. I was refereed via my GP.

Please get all the help you can, professional medical help.

I am not sure home schooling will sort this one out, (well my *personal opion is it will not but who am I to comment, and this is nothing to do with what others think but what is best for your son).

Although some periods at home may help your son to calm down and stabilise how he feels (my personal opinion, I am not a professional).

Good luck.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 16/03/2015 00:00

Have done basghetti - it is indeed lovely :) Clara, I do appreciate your thoughts and no I'm not suggesting anything - just that the actual art of getting DS to open up is a complex one. I am not ignoring his troubles but nor do I feel forcing him into school is helpful or conducive at this stage.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 16/03/2015 00:00

Just cross posted with claraagain - agree with claraagain.

christinarossetti · 16/03/2015 00:02

If he's overwhelmed by school and not coping at the moment, and you feel confident that he will be able to get a place in a decent school when he's ready for it, then it sounds like a very sensible course of action at the moment.

He may not even need that much time out - enough to process some of what's happened, find his feet and with you consider future options.

Good luck!

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 16/03/2015 00:03

Italian, with the greatest of respect the only way at present to get that child into school would be by using force and I can state very firmly now that that is not going to happen.

Many people - including the school - take the stance of 'get him in and ...' ignoring the salient fact I can't!

Our deal/compromise is - you don't have to go to school; you do have to get out of bed!

No, he's not withdrawing from the world. Just school - which isn't the world!

OP posts:
Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 16/03/2015 00:04

Thanks, christina - I'm taking a 'play it by war' approach but withdrawing him removes pressure from all sides - not least the schools attendance figures which I do have some sympathy with!

OP posts:
Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 16/03/2015 00:04

Ear, not war! Goodness sakes! Grin

OP posts:
Froggio · 16/03/2015 00:05

CAMHS can be a lengthy process. I went down the private therapist route and school were also excellent so we were lucky. Maybe this is the best thing for your DS for now but I would still suggest he talks his thoughts and feelings though with someone, a private therapist if money is not an issue and you don't want to go down the NHS/GP/system route which can be a slow nightmare.

dalekanium · 16/03/2015 00:05

To answer the original question - Very mixed feelings

First would be jealousy, if I had the time, money, motivation, aptitude I could make it an utterly amazing experience for my kids.

But I dont. Still think it would be ace tho.

Next would be ' but why' are the a passionate home Eder, providing an enriching experience, or just a social misfit raising the next generation of social misfits

Not met any off those as yet, but I guess they exist.

And I'd wonder what problems (sens) or something there were, and why the education system was failing that child so badly (- and should I worry about my child)

I have to say all the home edders I've met are awesome and are giving their kids an amazing tailored experience.

I have one adult friend who was home educated, he says he regrets lack of socialisation and a group of same age mates. So I'd want to be sure I was getting the social aspect right.

claraagain · 16/03/2015 00:06

But you are not the right person to get him to open up- he may well not be able to open up to you . That is why he needs professional help.

I have seen some remarkable work done with very young children with mh issues including those who have tried to take their own lives (age under 11). It really can work and engaging with professional mental health services can transform lives.

christinarossetti · 16/03/2015 00:06

So is your ds actually refusing to go to school full stop?

How long has he been like this?

I can totally see that changing the 'yes, you will'/'no, I won't' dynamic will take a lot of stress away from both of you.

I do hope that you've got plenty of support for yourself too.

Summerisle1 · 16/03/2015 00:07

I think the success, or otherwise, of HE depends entirely on the reasons for choosing to do it. I'm not agin it but it isn't something to be embarked upon lightly. Do you have the time, resources and commitment to actually educate your ds? Only HE is more than just keeping your child home from school.

TheFullGammon · 16/03/2015 00:07

My worry would be that by taking him out you might be shutting out other avenues for help. While he is registered at the school, they have a responsibility to him, but that ends if you pull him out.

And if he doesn't mix with other home schoolers (which sounds likely TBH) could he increasingly find other social situations harder, so his world gets smaller and smaller? I would do your utmost to work with the school on this one, but I appreciate you probably feel you already have.

Are there any other school options nearby, maybe smaller schools?

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 16/03/2015 00:07

I agree Frog - I just think/know he's FAR more likely to open up to someone if he feels listened to and respected.

Manhandling him to school then expecting him to open up to s therapist is a crazy juxtaposition - how would I feel? Humiliated, upset, like no one listened, no one cared. It wouldn't need a therapist to draw that conclusion!

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 16/03/2015 00:09

I'd feel sorry for the child. It's not a preparation for life as we know it today. IMHO.

claraagain · 16/03/2015 00:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 16/03/2015 00:11

His school is tiny. The school isn't an issue - it's the general having to be in a loud classroom, having to produce work, having to go through the motions.

Clara I wasn't suggesting he would open up to me but that him having therapy after being forced into school would be a contradiction in terms really.

Summer - yes and no. He will receive an education but probably not following the traditional stance of sitting down and producing work. Or at least not all the time.

I fully intend to ensure he mixes and in fact one of the things I'm looking forward to is making sure he can attend sports and other hobbies which have been difficult in the past to marry with full time education.

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 16/03/2015 00:12

I have no experience of problems at school with dd, but by her own choice she left at the end of y3.
It was the best decision she made and has had the most amazing results.
It may not work for all but it can be the most effective form of education for some.
As a family we don't regret our decision one bit, even though there have been challenges, but there are challenges at school too.We just deregistered and allowed dd to find her own way, with support and encouragement.

christinarossetti · 16/03/2015 00:12

FullGammon has a good point about while ds is registered at a school, they have some responsibility to help him.

Reading your later posts, I'm a bit concerned how much of your ds's troubles you're trying to take on your own shoulders - education, mental health, social needs. Are there/will there be other people involved in these? Does he have friends outside of school or does he attend any activities or clubs at all?

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 16/03/2015 00:13

Clara, you're not reading my posts, I don't think.

I have said DS will have therapy.

I have said I intend to support him in this.

What I'm not prepared to do is force him into school to get this therapy.

Why does that make me a troll? Hmm how rude!

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 16/03/2015 00:13

turquoiseamethyst well if you cannot get him into school you cannot. I totally understand that. My dd sometimes refuses to go and I can't force her either, so I totally get that.

I apologise if my tone was acrimonious at all, I did not mean it to be.

If he won't go to school then you can't make him, but personally I would still be looking for professional medical help. What you teach him or do with him while he is not at school is, of course, up to you. As far as I am aware if you home school there are no checks about what you or do not do with the child.

If he is struggling to go in do you need to relinquish his school place and register him as home schooled? If you do, do you need to explain to him that is what you are doing?

christinarossetti · 16/03/2015 00:13

Sorry, xpost.