Has anyone home-edded from the start?

[mollysmum82]

DD is approaching 3 and although its early days I'm so worried about sending her to school. Although she chats happily and confidently to adults and older children when I'm there, the second I leave she is beside herself with tears. During a play date for example I can't go and make our guest a cup of tea without taking her with me. I don't mind this at all but I do worry about how she will cope when she has to be left. And even when I'm there with her she doesn't seem to like children of her own age - she won't go on a slide at soft play or in a ball pool for example if there's another child there. I love her so much and can't bear to ever see her upset. DH isn't worried at all and thinks sending her to preschool/school will really help her socially. Whereas I worry it will traumatise her! I'd love to know other's experiences, thanks so much.

Sounds to me like she's not ready for school! It's really that simple, whether she does or doesn't go into school later on, she's just not ready yet. And that's ok. Apparently kids in countries where schooling starts later (7 or 8), have usually 'caught up' with their peers in other countries by the end of the first year. So learning at this point isn't an issue.
You will, however, need to address her clinginess. As a home-educated child, I met a few children who were still like this a few years on, and that's not so good. I suppose someone else will know better than me how to work on that, though.

My son has never been to school. He's 19 now. I used to have to be there all the time, or rather I preferred to be there and thereby (mostly) avoid him getting distressed/angry by my not being there.

A somewhat extreme example, he was 15 before he'd walk down the street on his own.

Though at the same time he'd stand up in front of 100 people and do an impromptu presentation. But not go to the conference on his own.

But now he does a lot of stuff independently. He busks and plays with his band at Open Mic events. And he walks around town at 1 in the morning if necessary.

My attitude was to be there for him so he would get to the stage of pushing me away when he was ready.

I agree. I don't know of any young adults for whom clinginess was a lasting problem. They do grow into independence in their own time. It may be much later than average, but that doesn't have to matter.

I was just thinking of a lad who was one of the most cautious young people I know. He surprised me when he first declared he would walk the quarter mile home from my house on his own at the age of 13; somehow I hadn't expected he would ever do it. Now, two years later, he roams for miles throughout most of our medium-sized city alone by bus and on foot.

We are planning to HE from the start because we don't think school will suit DD1 (or us!). She sounds similar to your DD, she is fine as long as DH or I are there. She doesn't cope well with big crowds and our local primary is very large.

Some people have suggested that if we send her then she will learn to cope but to me this seems a bit like throwing a non-swimmer in the deep end to teach them to swim; I'd rather she does it in her own time. DH is from Canada and they start full-time school later there so he agreed with me that 4 is too young. We will give our DDs the option of going to school when we emigrate to Canada in a few years' time.

Everyone has different reasons for HE and there's no reason why you can't just plan to do it temporarily. Even a term or two might make a difference.

"Some people have suggested that if we send her then she will learn to cope but to me this seems a bit like throwing a non-swimmer in the deep end to teach them to swim; I'd rather she does it in her own time."

In addition to that, there's also a difference IMO between "coping" and being happy. Anyone watching me would say that I coped OK with school. I was fairly anxious about it until the age of nine, and used to fake illness occasionally, but I never actually refused to go to school. Well, I did for a few days when I was five but my mother was firm and I soon learned that wasn't going to get me anywhere.

But the crowds and noise were always a stress for me. I could perhaps have enjoyed a couple of half days a week, but by lunchtime I was always watching the minutes drag by on the clock, waiting for the moment I could escape to somewhere peaceful. I remember it well.

I wish I'd known about HE from the start.
Your child sounds so much like my ds.
School traumatised him from the start. When I finally found out about HE, he was 13 and very badly damaged by the experience. He has taken years to recover.

"I don't know of any young adults for whom clinginess was a lasting problem. They do grow into independence in their own time. It may be much later than average, but that doesn't have to matter."

Saracen, I absolutely agree. Why do people think you have to force everything? DD2 can still be clingy at times and she's 12. But she's nothing like the clingy child she was at 4. She wasn't ready for school either, had screamed her way through nursery until we gave up. "Coped" in school but was never happy. Is growing in independence all the time since she came out of school and felt secure for once in her life. I have very faith that she will go out into the big wide world as an adult and be absolutely 100% fine.

I would never have sent her to school if I could go back. It was, at best, not the right thing for her and, at worst, positively cruel. Like Julie's children, she was very damaged by it. For months all this stuff just kept coming out about how this had happened and that had happened. For the first few months out of school she would say "this is the happiest day of my life", every day. She no longer says it - being happy has become normal to her. What a shame it wasn't before.

In your situation, OP, I'd keep her at home. Maybe, in time, she'll feel ready and want to go. Maybe she'll thrive at home and never want to go. Either way, it would seem better to keep her at home until you reach a point (if you do) that there would seem benefit in going.

Thanks so much everyone for sharing your experiences, I really appreciate it. I feel relieved that others have felt the same but also worried as I doubt DH would ever go for it :(

My 2 yo DD also sounds very similar and has a late August birthday so would be due to start September 2013. I am very worried for all the reasons you all talk about. She is a very individual child and likes lots of time to do her own thing. She spends two days very happily at a large childminding practice where she is able to join in with others or play alone as she chooses.

But she's already talking about how she wants to go to school! Our local one does not have the kind of early years provision I would want, so that's out of the question. I just don't know if finances would stretch to me being at home full time for many more years.

Goodness it's so hard to know what to do. It's drawing closer to when she can start preschool and the thought of it makes me feel sick. I've been obsessing over ofsted reports and visits trying to find somewhere perfect for her but the truth is I know the perfect place is home right now. But dh is very uncomfortable with the idea of HE. Did you and your partners agree? How do I convince him it's right?

Belindarose, it does sound like they're similar. II hope you came to a good solution?

Don't know if it's any help but we were thinking about home edding (and still think it can be brilliant) and was unsure about pre-school. However we looked at the pre-schools in the area and found a truly lovely loving pre-school where we started with just 2 mornings a week. I wasn't sure about i and I decided if she was at all struggling with it or unhappy we just wouldn't do it.

However it has been amazing and she has gone from strength to strength. This summer she has missed it a little and its amazed me how valuable having other adults input has been and other little people to form community with. Not saying that its at all necessary, but in our case (and very pro HS) I'm so glad we did pre-school. It's half days and a half-way house to school. the one we go to is child-centred and so lovely :) It's really helped her develop.

I'd not say don't HS - just don't discount pre-school. Have a look around etc.

Aw that's great thank you! Our local preschools all say you have to attend five mornings so I might need to look further afield. 2 mornings somewhere really nurturing might be just the thing. So glad your dd has gone from strength to strength.

Would DH agree that she not attend preschool yet? Not ruling it out altogether but postponing it?

I EHEed all the way through (DS just turned 18) and DS was very clingy until about 7yo. EHE gave us space for him to go off when he was ready, rather than when other people said he should be ready. This has not held him back socially. For example, he spent last week commuting by train and bicycle to a programming scheme that ended in an overnight in Birmingham with hordes of other young people. The sub-team he was part of consisted of him and four 9yos (three of whom were girls) - this does not seem to have been a problem for him.

You and your dh don't have to "sign up" to home education right now, just because your 3yo isn't ready for preschool. Just work on persuading him that now is not the right time for her to start. The future can take care of itself.

Many people who go pale at the idea of "HOME EDUCATION" with all that they fear that will entail will be quite agreeable to the idea of delaying school start. What's so special about the age of three for starting preschool? In my generation, few children went to preschool at all; there was no notion that it was an essential preparation for starting school. What's so special about the age of four for starting school? The fact that other countries do it differently should at least make us question the system and wonder whether our particular child might do better starting school at five or six or seven instead.

By time your dd is five - that's forever in terms of a little kid's development - your instincts may tell you that school would now be OK for her. Alternatively, your dh may have seen how she flourishes at home and may have become a convert to the idea of home education.

I had the problem of the worrying DH, but his concerns were mostly out of ignorance - by which I mean he didn't know anything about it and was worried we'd get into trouble or have to jump through some annoying hoops.

With his consent, I made him a huge document that was mostly cut and pasted from useful websites. This doc put his worries to rest because he could see what was (and wasn't!) required of us as HE parents. Saying that, ideologically he's pretty keen on the freedom of the individual so didn't take much convincing. What I hadn't realised was that with my information absorbing obsession, I knew everything would be ok if we didn't apply for a school place, but had forgotten to keep him up-to-date with what I'd found out.

Does that help at all?!

p.s. we also tried pre-school and found it a nightmare, so that also helped him to see HE as preferable.

My dh's reaction when I first raised the idea as "weird hippy shit" :o But I knew that he would be happy for our dd1 to start at whichever primary school I picked, and so I just told him he only got any input if he actually went off himself and did some research. So he asked lots of people what they thought about school, and everyone told him that children start too young - and this was 11 years ago, when in our area at least, they started at "compulsory school age", i.e. the term after they turned 5, not the September before their 5th birthday like they do now - and then he read EO's 'School is not Compulsory' whilst he was ill in bed one day, and became a complete convert. But I've been the one ever since then who's made pretty much every educational decision, so I would have HE'd whether he had been persuaded of it or not.

Hi mollysmum82, I am in the same position as you. My DD is 3 and was due to start nursery this coming Sept, in fact, we went to all the introductory days etc etc and then discovered HE and realised that I really didn't want my DD to go to nursery full time 5 days a week from 3 yo!! (I had never liked this, but had tried to convince myself otherwise!) I phoned up the school and they weren't best pleased but I know its the right decision. I work though, so DD will still have to go to a CM 3 days a week, but she will be with her little brother and its obviously much better to be in a home setting.

I am getting really quite nervous about school next year. DH is pretty against HE (he doesn't want me to have to give up my work to HE and he is very worried about the socialisation thing) so I will really have to work hard to convince him! DD is very confident and I think would probably enjoy being with other children but I think its too young to start school and I think she is learning so many things already by being out and about with me that I don't know if she needs school to do that!

I am quite worried about it not being what people (ie. close family and friends) 'expect' should happen and that they will think I'm being deliberately difficult/ 'alternative'/ 'hippy'... Argh! (As you can see... still very confused!)

Hi I've had a the same dilema for a year or so now, my little girl is now 5 and I felt she wasn't read to start reception this time last year so kept her at home with a day at nursery when I worked. She's very clingy to me in social situations where there are unfamiliar people and I feel that school would be a 'cope' and very stressful for her. She doesn't seem interested in making friends at the moment and her existing friends are going to school. Its a huge dilema but I feel giving her the security and love that she needs is the right thing to do. I'm anxious that she makes friends and there are lots of people where we are home educating so hopefully slowly but surely we'll become part of that group but I don't want to push her. I'm a sociable person so struggle to hold back and empathise with how she might be feeling. I've also got an almost 4yr old little girl who's very outgoing.

I definately think HE is a viable option but making links with other families is important.

Nice to hear that not every child is hugely outgoing I sometimes feel that they seem to be.

Hello bloom!

This socialising business is a balancing act when different family members have different needs, isn't it? Among the families I know, it is very common for one child to sit out a home ed session while their more outgoing siblings take part. They may sit in the car with a game or book or just sit quietly by mum's side. If you and your younger daughter need companionship and going out isn't too stressful for your older girl, maybe you can come to some sort of arrangement like that - that she has to come out with you, but that you'll do your best to help her find a way to be relatively comfortable while there. Eventually she may decide to join in, or she may not.

Good luck!

Hello everyone, I just wanted to thank you again for all your support last year and give you an update.

I didn't start dd at preschool in the end when she was 3, I just knew it wasn't right.

And in the year between 3 and 4 she went from strength to strength at home and became so much more confident. She started enjoying play dates with other children and would even leave my side at soft play to run and play.

I decided to put her in preschool a couple of days ago to give her a years worth of 'practice' before school. The first day she went in quite happily as it was novel but came out on floods of tears. The second today she was quite as apprehensive going in, saying 'I don't want you to go' and again she came out clearly having been crying. Today was horrendous. She cried her eyes out going in and clung to me. Her teachers had to prise her off me and I walked home crying myself and feeling like the worst mum in the world. She came out a bit more happily today but her teachers said she'd cried on and off throughout the session :( They also said she'd wet herself. She's not don't that in well over a year. When we got home she wet herself again and she has talked constantly about wanting to stay with me. She hasn't eaten properly either.

I don't know if its the wrong place or just the wrong time? Every part of me wants to take her out but everyone is saying its the right thing to do keeping her in :(

Sorry I can't give any direct advice as I am only considering HE at the moment.

However, I am a firm believer in following my instincts as I never regret doing so, but always regret taking other peoples advice should it turn out badly.
It is clear you are uncomfortable with how things are, as is your little girl.
Go with your instincts and I hope things work out for the best x