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Husband and I are going away for a week... how much to pay the babysitter?

394 replies

LondonLisa · 10/02/2010 12:02

My husband and I will be going on our first holiday away from our 22-month-old daughter. We have someone from her nursery staying with her for the 7 days we are away. This will mean the sitter will take our daughter home from nursery (6-ish) and stay all night and bring her to nursery the next day. Repeat. This will also overlap 2 weekends.
Any idea what fair pay would be? I don't want to skimp but I also don't want to be... ostentatious, if that makes sense.
We usually pay this sitter £8/hr if that helps.
Any suggestions are appreciated.

OP posts:
ilovemydogandmrobama · 10/02/2010 21:03

RAF Mildenhall is in Suffolk

Oh well.

Bonsoir · 10/02/2010 21:04

There is no subject as contentious as childcare . Personally I think children develop and thrive best with lots of freedom and variety of experience, albeit with the security of one or two or three highly consistent carers (preferably parents most of the time).

Others think that a contained, regular environment and a of routine provide security, and that multiple carers can then provide variety...

Bonsoir · 10/02/2010 21:04

a lot of routine

SpeedyGonzalez · 10/02/2010 21:06

Um - excuse me, but I think I was the one who said much earlier in this thread what we don't usually dare to say about nursery care. And what I said was more controversial .

I am trying to get my head around your rationale, Bonsoir.

(a) Baby/ toddler goes to nursery 5 days a week (not the ideal for them). Sees parents every day for cuddles, food, stories, bonding, etc etc.

(b) Baby/ toddler's parents go away for 7-10 days. Child gets phone calls, perhaps even video calls - reminding them what their parents look like - but doesn't actually get any direct contact for this whole time.

Most children, upon their parents' return, in situation (b), are distant with their parents - this is a psychological response to reduce anxiety. Some children do it in situation (a), but I'm willing to bet it's a far higher majority in (b), simply because the time apart has been so long.

Also the situation of leaving a young child with a family member is different from leaving them with a paid carer. A family member has a level of emotional and relational investment in that child which a paid carer simply doesn't have. This has a huge impact on the child's care, and, according to some studies, on the child's well-being. Nonetheless, even if left with a family member, the length of away time is still crucial at this young age.

The fact is that we tell ourselves all sorts of things about how 'good' nursery/ our going away will be for our children, as a way of assuaging our guilt. But we need to come clean - with ourselves at least - and admit that when we leave them at such a young age, it's really not all that good for them at all, but that's the choice we have made, whatever our reasons.

StarExpat · 10/02/2010 21:08

I don't think op realizes how much she's going to miss her dd.

Mildenhall is in Suffolk I think (my uk geography is crap, though).
I've lost myself in the thoughts of taco bell there for a second
I don't usually openly admit my dad was in the navy and neither does he! Not something we're proud of at all

I'm a teacher. My ds (16 months) will be going to a lovely childminder 5 days a week from 8am-3.30pm. I have an hour each day that I go and see him as cm is very near my school. I also have loads of holidays (especially since it's an international school). I have to work in order that we can pay our mortgage, bills...etc. hmmm, my best friend used to look after him, but I'm changing to a lovely new cm in a couple of weeks (same distance from school, actually cm is closer). So, does that make it acceptable to you, bonsoir? Since I'm changing it up a bit (not by my choice, mind) - but that should make it better, less tedious, surely.

expatinscotland · 10/02/2010 21:08

I met many a husband of the nounou in France, whilst he was on student visa working as dormatory cafeteria worker and I was trying to keep up my French.

Believe you me, these women will afford your child much freedom to develop on her own.

And few speak more than basic English, so your child will have the benefit of bilingual education as well.

scottishmummy · 10/02/2010 21:09

yes i favour baby boot camp and routine.lots of shouting and marching.

Bonsoir · 10/02/2010 21:12

Speedy - in my personal experience, DD was absolutely not distant on my return after 11 days at 16 months - she was thrilled to see both me and I to see her, and our relationship was exactly the same as before I left. We didn't telephone or video conference at all for 11 days.

She was, however, with my parents (and she was cared for by my mother a great deal as a baby) in a house she knows as well or better than her own (and is a lot more fun - big house, big garden) and had plenty of freedom and affection.

rainbowinthesky · 10/02/2010 21:14

You didn't phone for 11 days. Well, there's not much point havign a discussion with you about this as I for one am poles apart from you as a parent.

Bonsoir · 10/02/2010 21:16

I never use the telephone. I have telephonophobia - awful thing!

StarExpat · 10/02/2010 21:17

speedy sometimes it's not a choice but a must. I think I have a great balance and I love my job, and of course I love ds more than anything in the world. I do think that part of me being the best mother I can be to him means that I should continue with my career, continue to learn and grow professionally as well. I need that, personally. I have many good friends who chose to (and can afford to) be sahms. And they are very happy. My DS and I are just as happy as them and their dc.

StarExpat · 10/02/2010 21:18

I should also reiterate that I also must work in order that we can pay our mortgage and bills...etc.

bibbitybobbityhat · 10/02/2010 21:18

My dd was distinctly frosty with me when I got back from a long weekend in Rome. She stayed with my Dad and Stepmother. She was 21 months old. She was very definitely not pleased with me for a little while .

Bonsoir · 10/02/2010 21:19

Holidays away from children are much more likely to be the result of free choice than putting children in nursery regularly.

expatinscotland · 10/02/2010 21:20

I have telephonephobia, too.

After being stuck 12km outside Strasbourg in 1986 and the phone rang and I picked it up and the man on the other end made me go and get a dictionary rather than just phone back. Salaud! I told him 'Cabron!' but he just called me something horrible I didn't understand at the time.

That is why I would not ditch my children for such a long time.

SpeedyGonzalez · 10/02/2010 21:21

So you agree with me, Anna - being looked after by a family member is far better.

However, no phone or video calls for 11 days!!!! I can understand the anxiety and stress of having a phobia, even one that disadvantages your children, but what prevented you from taking a laptop and doing video calls?

Bonsoir · 10/02/2010 21:26

Yes, I think a family member (grandmother or aunt or similar) is better if there is a loving one around, but the OP doesn't have one and her DD spends every day at a nursery so a regular nursery worker is probably the person she sees most. Doesn't sound as if the OP has a better solution and it isn't an awful solution.

My telephonophobia isn't a real disease phobia - I just hate talking on the telephone! I wouldn't have got anything out of "talking" to my DD at a distance anyway - at that stage our relationship was still very carnal.

SpeedyGonzalez · 10/02/2010 21:27

StarExpat - I do understand this, believe me. But what I'm saying is that whatever our reasons it's still not brilliant from our kids' perspective when we put them in childcare at a young age. There are lots of studies that show this. So we have to face the fact that when we do this, it may be for good reasons, but it's still not ideal for them. None of us is the perfect parent; we all do small things from time to time that are not ideal, and sometimes we do bigger things that aren't so great. It's just a fact of life, isn't it? And I'm no different from anyone else in this regard.

In the long run I'm sure the fact that we're mostly brilliant outweighs the bad, though!

Merrylegs · 10/02/2010 21:28

I pay the boarding kennels £7.50 a day for the dog, (50p extra for heating) if that helps.

SpeedyGonzalez · 10/02/2010 21:31

"I wouldn't have got anything out of "talking" to my DD at a distance anyway - at that stage our relationship was still very carnal." First of all, 'carnal'? Is this a word used in French in this context? Doesn't mean anything when used like this in English!

Secondly, what about what your daughter would have got out of hearing/ seeing her mother during the 11 day break? Sounds like you haven't even taken that into consideration, which I find outrageous.

Thirdly, so it's not really a phobia, you just don't like it and so didn't bother to overcome this dislike for your daughter's sake. I shall hold my tongue.

AitchTwoOhOneOh · 10/02/2010 21:33

the solution, surely, is to say 'gosh, didn't you realise that i have a child?' to the people who have gifted her a camping trip, and 'i'm so sorry, i appreciate the sentiment soooo much, but we won't be able to go'. and then use the money she'd have spent on a childminder and spending money for a holiday with her child. i think it's time.

Bonsoir · 10/02/2010 21:36

Speedy - DD was just fine with my mother - she knows and loves her dearly - and I certainly didn't want to selfishly perturb her lovely holiday at her grandparents by talking to her and reminding her I wasn't with her. It felt totally wrong for both of us.

Carnal: of or relating to the body or flesh; bodily

AnyFucker · 10/02/2010 21:36

if you seriously bought into the idea that your relationship with your dd was carnal, looky here, would you seriously think it was ok to bog off away from her for 11 days ???

AitchTwoOhOneOh · 10/02/2010 21:37

carnal is a fine expression for a ravenous breastfeeding relationship imo.

expatinscotland · 10/02/2010 21:38

Genki! Genki!, AF