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Original poster

Am I abandoning my children by going away?

577 replies

TravelBugMum · 28/10/2023 12:40

Hi. I have just resigned from my job of 20 years and finally have an opportunity to fulfil my desire to travel.
My children are both now settled in secondary school, years 7 & 8, ages 11 and 13.
I want to travel by myself for 2 months (9 weeks) as you can't take this amount of time off while you are working.
My husband of 14 years will be at home with the kids. But he is not happy & says I will be "psychologically damaging them for the rest of their lives if I go away for 9 weeks and abandoning them" . He is just about OK with 4 weeks away, but I don't feel this is long enough for Australia and New Zealand ( which he has no desire to visit.). We are working on a compromise...
What is the risk of me hurting my children by doing this?
i have talked to them both to explain why i want to go, but understand it is difficult for them to be honest with me. They dont want to upset me by telling me not to go.
Has any other mum done this?
Am I being " selfish and not a good mum" by wanting to go?
How can I reduce the risk of my children feeling abandoned ?
Please help.

OP posts:
LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 28/10/2023 14:37

The issue is needing your husband to look after them alone for 9 weeks. Could you do 4 weeks before a school holiday and then have them come out and join you for another couple of weeks to make it a longer trip?

Bloom15 · 28/10/2023 14:39

I think you are being selfish - I'd say that to any parent, mum or dad. 9 weeks is a long time.

Monkeypopcorn · 28/10/2023 14:39

ThereIbledit · 28/10/2023 14:22

Your mum did that when you were 14 once, for two months? Or for longer/more frequently than once?

Show quote history

She had lots of holidays and long weekends before and after that trip but that was never an issue. The 10 weeks she was gone for was just enough time for me to realise I didn't need her and could manage without her, and so I did.
The comments saying that OP is teaching the children an important lesson about Mum not being there only for her, she's her own person, are interesting because that's absolutely true. But at 14 I don't think that was the time for me to learn it, I learnt she was her own person away from the family and so I didn't need to rely on her. So I didn't rely on her and our relationship became distant. At the time I don't remember being bitter about it I just cracked on and then found it odd when she was upset that she'd come back to a independent child who called her Dad first if she needed help.

Nanny0gg · 28/10/2023 14:40

TravelBugMum · 28/10/2023 13:05

Thanks to everyone. Yes too selfish. I will think again when the children are older.

Well done OP

You'll get there!

Be prepared that the next few hundred posts won't have read your update.

Silkiefloof · 28/10/2023 14:41

I think going alone for 9 weeks expecting your husband to do everything and leaving your kids isn't reasonable and he's being generous with the 4 weeks. I would take the kids with you and do in school holidays or say a week out one side and pay the fine. It is pricey at Christmas though. I do think 3 weeks plus is a reasonable time for Australia if well planned and active.

I loved Australia and went with kids a similar age for 3 weeks as a family in our summer, to Great Barrier Reef and wildlife around there and briefly to Sydney, we all loved it and would recommend.

porridgeisbae · 28/10/2023 14:42

@TravelBugMum Could you break it up into 2 separate trips and do one now, one some other time? 4 weeks wouldn't seem as extreme.

Duckingella · 28/10/2023 14:42

Jesus Christ

This is 2023;in 2023 we're supposed to be driving for equality so I'm sure a man can figure out how to parent his children alone for 9 weeks.

No and I mean no one would be questioning if the OP could parent her children alone if the roles were reversed.

And god forbid a woman should want to leave her children for a few weeks.

OP be a good little hand maiden and go chain yourself back to the kitchen sink.

Itslookinggood · 28/10/2023 14:42

I have to travel a lot internationally for work, and can see both sides. I understand your desire to seize the opportunity- but honestly I wouldn't do it for a personal trip.

Apart from anything else, you'll have to deal with DH's resentment, which will definitely show itself to the kids, even if he tries to hide it.

I'd do a shorter trip, as others suggest - 3-4 weeks max - and make sure DH is on board. Present it to the kids as a fantastic opportunity and stress how you'll travel together in the future.

Btw if DH isn't up for Asia etc, why not take thr kids by yourself at some point? We've had some brilliant times when mine have joined me.

Alleycat1 · 28/10/2023 14:43

Men often have jobs that take them away for weeks/months at a time and nobody bats an eye. I would say go for it, OP, as you may never get the chance again. Life is full of surprises, often unpleasant, and this opportunity might never come again.

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 28/10/2023 14:44

You might be a mum but you're still a person with desires. Could you go down to 8 weeks? 6 weeks in Aus and 2 in NZ? I've done both and they could be done at a minimum in this time. You don't stop becoming a person when you become a mum. I doubt 8/9 weeks will damage the kids, especially if you facetime every day etc.

Could you wait till the summer holidays and take the kids with you?

BetterWithPockets · 28/10/2023 14:44

TravelBugMum · 28/10/2023 13:05

Thanks to everyone. Yes too selfish. I will think again when the children are older.

OP, when my DH retired (early), he planned to go away for three months — island hopping in Greece — to mark the occasion. He’d never have gone if I’d asked him not to, but I was happy for him to do it. (And not because I wanted shot of him!! I wanted to help him do something he’d always wanted. But I know he’d do the same for me.) In the end, he didn’t get to do it — he had a seriously ill relative who then died so it became three weeks, not three months. BUT I don’t think it’s selfish. I do think your partner has to buy into it though as it’s a big ask when you’ve got to solo parent. But some might say that if it’s something you’ve always wanted to do, then actually it’s your partner who’s being selfish by not supporting you. I honestly don’t think your DC will be scarred for life (I know ours wouldn’t have been!) — but does your DH have support if he’s working and doing childcare? Have you supported him to make his dreams a reality? If so, why can’t he support you make yours happen? Opportunities like this don’t come along often!

Nanny0gg · 28/10/2023 14:45

LOL

My point. Made. No one bothers to read the OP's posts.

TravelBugMum · Today 13:05

Thanks to everyone. Yes too selfish. I will think again when the children are older.

SHE ISN'T GOING TO GO!

LuckySantangelo35 · 28/10/2023 14:46

I bet OP does go, she’s just saying that to appease

Maddy70 · 28/10/2023 14:46

Duckingella · 28/10/2023 14:42

Jesus Christ

This is 2023;in 2023 we're supposed to be driving for equality so I'm sure a man can figure out how to parent his children alone for 9 weeks.

No and I mean no one would be questioning if the OP could parent her children alone if the roles were reversed.

And god forbid a woman should want to leave her children for a few weeks.

OP be a good little hand maiden and go chain yourself back to the kitchen sink.

It isn't about equality...it's about consideration of her family, the same responses would be had if it was her husband fancying a 9 week holiday without her and the children (probably worse as its mumsnet, she would probably be told to Ltb)

Twiglets1 · 28/10/2023 14:46

I think 9 weeks is too long and selfish on your part. A month would be far easier for your husband and children and is enough to visit Australia or New Zealand, you don’t have to do both in a single trip.

Doiordontigiveone · 28/10/2023 14:49

Very very selfish. My mum went on holiday with her friend for 2 weeks and it felt a long time at that age. You had kids and now you need to wait until they're grown before you do these things. That's what I'll be doing when I retire - not while I have dependants.

Crabwoman · 28/10/2023 14:49

Can you imagine the responses on here if it was someone's DH who wanted to piss off round the globe for a trip of a lifetime for two months whilst DW picked everything up at home.

I don't think they will be 'psychologically damaged' but it's a long time to be away from your children and wouldn't it also take a chunk out of the family budget for holidays etc?

Jingers5 · 28/10/2023 14:50

Well you carried your children for 9 months- l don't see the harm in going. They will be fine l am sure.

Your children will see that their mother is independent which can only be a good thing. The time will fly by and no on knows what's around the corner.

Cordeliathecat · 28/10/2023 14:50

I just asked my 13 and 14 year old what they would think if I did it and they both barely looked up from their phones to say they wouldn’t care. My 14 year old did ask a follow up question of “would you leave me plenty of money to go shopping as daddy is stingy?”

Do it! Of course your kids won’t be psychologically damaged. It’s ok to be selfish once in a while.

InSpainTheRain · 28/10/2023 14:50

Why not do this in the holidays when they can come with you? I think it would be selfish of you.

YouJustDoYou · 28/10/2023 14:51

You have years later to do this.

FreebieWallopFridge · 28/10/2023 14:55

If my husband said this to me and meant it, he could absolutely go.

But he wouldn’t be coming back.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 28/10/2023 14:55

If this was a woman posting about her husband wanting to do this he'd be slated. Rightly so IMO. Even if your husband can cope fine for the 9 weeks and your kids would also be fine it's just not right to check out of family life for 9 weeks on a personal whim.

peenaction · 28/10/2023 14:55

LuckySantangelo35 · 28/10/2023 14:31

There are mummy martyrs on here though - the type that won’t even go to the gym on a weekend, cos that ‘family time’

There's a bit of a difference between going to Australia for 9 weeks and going to the gym for a couple of hours on a Saturday afternoon.

Anyway, the OP is sensibly not going now.

Nanny0gg · 28/10/2023 14:57

LuckySantangelo35 · 28/10/2023 14:46

I bet OP does go, she’s just saying that to appease

As she's a stranger on the internet that's neither here nor there really