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Original poster

Am I abandoning my children by going away?

577 replies

TravelBugMum · 28/10/2023 12:40

Hi. I have just resigned from my job of 20 years and finally have an opportunity to fulfil my desire to travel.
My children are both now settled in secondary school, years 7 & 8, ages 11 and 13.
I want to travel by myself for 2 months (9 weeks) as you can't take this amount of time off while you are working.
My husband of 14 years will be at home with the kids. But he is not happy & says I will be "psychologically damaging them for the rest of their lives if I go away for 9 weeks and abandoning them" . He is just about OK with 4 weeks away, but I don't feel this is long enough for Australia and New Zealand ( which he has no desire to visit.). We are working on a compromise...
What is the risk of me hurting my children by doing this?
i have talked to them both to explain why i want to go, but understand it is difficult for them to be honest with me. They dont want to upset me by telling me not to go.
Has any other mum done this?
Am I being " selfish and not a good mum" by wanting to go?
How can I reduce the risk of my children feeling abandoned ?
Please help.

OP posts:
saffronsoup · 28/10/2023 14:57

You will have an empty nest in the next 7-8 years. Your kids will be adults soon enough. Then you can swan off into the sunset (assuming you have some independent wealth) and spend as long as you want traipsing about the world on your own.

Mummy08m · 28/10/2023 15:05

No and I mean no one would be questioning if the OP could parent her children alone if the roles were reversed.

Er, that's not what any of us are saying. No doubt the dad could parent his children alone, widowers manage.

But yes, many of us would absolutely chorus LTB if an op came on saying her H wanted to do this.

Not long ago there was a thread where the op's dh liked long "adventure holidays" away from her and the kids. Vast majority said LTB.

If my dh wanted to do this, the marriage would be very damaged. Think about it, it also means no sex for 9 weeks unless you have an affair. It's just not what I signed up for when I got married

Mummy08m · 28/10/2023 15:06

And yes I've seen thr op say she's thought better of it, thankfully. But I'm replying to other commenters now

LadyVorkosigan · 28/10/2023 15:07

Of course you should go. They'll be fine. They are old enough to know you have not 'abandoned' them and you are coming back. Your husband should support you.

My dad used to go away on scientific expeditions (digging up dinosaurs in Mongolia) for 3 months at a time when I was younger than your children. I thought it was very cool (I still do). No-one else's dad did anything as exciting as mine! Both my brother and myself agree that we had an idyllic childhood.

JudgeJ · 28/10/2023 15:12

Lemsipper · 28/10/2023 12:44

As you asked;

I think you are selfish and I wouldn’t consider this something a good mum would do.

Yet a father may have to do this, eg military, does that make him a poor father?

jedwardscissorhands27 · 28/10/2023 15:16

How would you feel if your dh decided he wanted to opt out of family life for 9 weeks?

Being in the military etc is work. It's not a jolly.

Sorry but I think it's very selfish. I couldn't do it to my dc or my dh for that matter.

2jacqi · 28/10/2023 15:17

absolutely ridiculous!!!! just wait until they are a lot older and have left school!! how selfish can one mother be????

Paddleboarder · 28/10/2023 15:18

I don't think they will be psychologically damaged. How they will feel will probably depend on how your husband deals with things while you are gone and what their relationship is usually like. Also, are you using all the budget for your own desires or will you be taking them somewhere exciting as well?

I understand why you want to travel like that but personally I would feel sad that I hadn't taken my kids with me and shown them that part of the world.

Comedycook · 28/10/2023 15:28

JudgeJ · 28/10/2023 15:12

Yet a father may have to do this, eg military, does that make him a poor father?

Show quote history

If a man wanted to travel/holiday for several weeks leaving his wife and DC at home, then yes I'd say he was a poor father.

If he was working or in the military then that's a totally different issue.

poetrylover · 28/10/2023 15:28

I teach and recently one of my students in year 11 had a very shit 3 weeks because her parents went away without her. Just do it in a few years. I'd love to travel but am saving up to do it when I retire, when my child is independent.

fiorentina · 28/10/2023 15:29

When there was the possibility of being made redundant recently my DH and I discussed me going away for 3-4 weeks and he was happy, nothing about it being damaging for the kids..
Communication with the family is easy these days. Go for it!

beeswaxinc · 28/10/2023 15:32

I get it OP. I would love to do this as it will be many years since I will not have young DC and also be able to afford it.

However I just know I wouldn't do it as I would miss them and be concerned about their perspective on the situation.

I frequently yearn for time away from the kids as I am a very introverted quiet person and kids are not that haha, but no I don't think a 9 week trip is reasonable. I think you should be coming to a compromise but then people do shit all the time so who knows really.

I wouldn't bother with comparisons to people working away, military parents etc as a defining point of your situation is the fact that you are opting to do this for your own leisure, that's the reality and it will in my opinion make a difference to the kids if I'm being honest.

NetZeroZealot · 28/10/2023 15:33

OP your kids will be absolutely fine.

It is no different from one parent working away for an extended period oof time.

When my kids were a similar age, DH spent 18 months working on the West Coast USA, while the rest of the family (myself & 2 DC) stayed at home.

We saw each other maybe 4 or 5 times during that stint. But communicated nearly every day by text and Skype.

I can state categorically that no-one was damaged psychologically by it at all. The kids barely remember it!

Follow your dreams!

DragonFly98 · 28/10/2023 15:35

Of course it's selfish not only to spend thst much time away from your children but also to spend so much money that could be spent on your family. Yes parents work away but they don't choose to be away from their dc for weeks at a time it's just sometimes necessary and in the children's best interests to financially support them.

Lovemusic82 · 28/10/2023 15:35

I don’t see the issue, if it was the other way round and your dh was going away I think people’s reaction would be different. Many military families have parents that go away for months and they just get on with it, why is this any different?

I don’t think I would have minded at the age of 12/13 if my mum had gone away on an adventure. My dad would often work aways for 4 weeks in France and we barely noticed he was gone. At that age they don’t need a huge level of care and I’m sure their father could cope just as a single parent copes.

Adrieeeeenne · 28/10/2023 15:42

I can only imagine the MN response if your husband wanted to do it. Woah he’d be in for it!

Poniesandrainbows · 28/10/2023 15:42

Someone in my extended family has just been diagnosed with PTSD and BPD and the therapist has dug deep and it apparently started with her mother leaving her for 6 weeks at age 13. Nobody would have guessed at the time that it would trigger this but it has.

Pertangyangkipperbang · 28/10/2023 15:45

Gosh you simply cannot leave your children for 9 days never mind nine weeks.
People saying their Dad was in the forces etc and was away isn't the same... they got used it.. your children are not used to it.. it will be a big shock.. it's not like you're ill in hospital or in prison.. it's for selfish reasons.. Will you not miss them? Won't you feel guilty?
I think it's dam right nasty.

Littlefish · 28/10/2023 15:46

MrsJellybee · 28/10/2023 12:47

Not at 11 and 13.

Possibly 16 and 18.

I agree with this.

There is no way I would leave children aged 11 and 13, if I had a choice about it.

Having to be away for work is different.

Choosing to leave your children at home while you go gallivanting off on holiday is purely selfish.

I would be saying the same thing whether you were mum or dad.

Jifmicroliquid · 28/10/2023 15:49

Your responsibility is to your children. Wait until they are 18 and then go.

notahappybunny7 · 28/10/2023 15:49

Oh Christ this tired old comment. Absolutely nothing to do with what a man could would or should do and everything to do with op relationship with her children. And yes, if she doesn’t mind letting her kids know she’d rather fuck off to the other side of the world than be there for them go ahead. Just don’t be bleating in a few years when you they don’t want to know you.

GettingSickOfYourNonsense · 28/10/2023 15:52

Are you having a midlife crisis, OP? It certainly sounds it. You must be in your 40s. Act your age, stop being so bloody selfish and entitled. You could have done your travelling before you had children. I suggest perhaps having a holiday, with your husband and all your children.

notahappybunny7 · 28/10/2023 15:53

you can’t see the difference between work and a holiday?? And no, if my husband wanted to do this he could fucking stay there. In fact I’d probably end my marriage, anyone considering this obviously doesn’t want to be around their family and I wouldn’t subject kids to that.

Chocolatepumpkin · 28/10/2023 15:54

I'd be fucked off if my husband decided to bugger off on a 9 week jolly

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