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Original poster

Am I abandoning my children by going away?

577 replies

TravelBugMum · 28/10/2023 12:40

Hi. I have just resigned from my job of 20 years and finally have an opportunity to fulfil my desire to travel.
My children are both now settled in secondary school, years 7 & 8, ages 11 and 13.
I want to travel by myself for 2 months (9 weeks) as you can't take this amount of time off while you are working.
My husband of 14 years will be at home with the kids. But he is not happy & says I will be "psychologically damaging them for the rest of their lives if I go away for 9 weeks and abandoning them" . He is just about OK with 4 weeks away, but I don't feel this is long enough for Australia and New Zealand ( which he has no desire to visit.). We are working on a compromise...
What is the risk of me hurting my children by doing this?
i have talked to them both to explain why i want to go, but understand it is difficult for them to be honest with me. They dont want to upset me by telling me not to go.
Has any other mum done this?
Am I being " selfish and not a good mum" by wanting to go?
How can I reduce the risk of my children feeling abandoned ?
Please help.

OP posts:
ThereIbledit · 28/10/2023 14:22

Monkeypopcorn · 28/10/2023 14:19

My mum did this when I was 14. She spent her whole childhood travelling the world with her Dad for work. She spent most of her young adult life travelling and then settled down and had children. It completely damaged our relationship she missed out on a lot while she was gone. I was settled and happy at secondary school but not having her around at the end of the day to chat to for that long meant that when she did come back I didn't need her. I am much closer to my Dad because of it and this clearly still upsets her but it was her choice to go.

Your mum did that when you were 14 once, for two months? Or for longer/more frequently than once?

twattydogshavetwattypeople · 28/10/2023 14:23

I think it's fine in principle. Your children aren't tiny any more.

ChateauMargaux · 28/10/2023 14:23

My kids are 14, 17 and 19. I love travel. We travel together. In the last 12 months I have had seperate holidays with each child where we have camped, interrailed and city hopped. I also leave them with their Dad, twice a year, to go off into the hills for a few days. I find ways to fulfull this need in me, to travel and also to be alone. My husband has different travel, leisure and company needs which are also met over the course of the year. We are getting better at aligning these or at least meeting them and finding joy in compromise!

Don't give up on your dream.. but maybe find a way of making it happen in a different way.

I had dreamed of flying to Australia, buying a campervan, touring around and selling it before flying home. I also wanted to travel overland to Iceland via ferries to the Faroe Islands. For many reasons, neither of these have happened, nore are they likely to. DS1 is no longer at home, too many difficult journeys in our 1977 VW have put me off ambitious plans, money is an issue, as are the wishes of other family members.

In 7 years time, your ambitions and ability to put them in to action may be very different.. so maybe don't completely put this off until the children have left home.

TimetoPour · 28/10/2023 14:23

Psychologically damaging? No. Incredibly selfish? Yes.

saffronsoup · 28/10/2023 14:24

I don't think this will necessarily damage them but I do think you can only leave your family for your eat pray love 9 week vacation if you and your husband are both on board. I think this is a joint decision kind of thing. I can see why he is saying he is okay with 4 weeks but not 9. Nine weeks is a long time to step away from family life and all the responsibilities that go with family life. You resigned - do you have a pension to contribute to the family expenses and pay for this trip? Nine weeks of travelling isn't cheap - how is this being financed?. Do you have joint family finances?

I think his compromise of 4 weeks is pretty reasonable.

SmudgeButt · 28/10/2023 14:24

I'd be more concerned about psychological damage to my cats frankly. Your kids are old enough to understand while a cat will just think it's been abandoned.

You can zoom with the kids every day while you're away and they will probably tire of that within the first week. Maybe you could even fly them out to meet up with you mid trip? That would be a great adventure in itself.

Have many men ever thought how damaging it might be to their kids if they go off on frequent business trips or move to a new place ahead of the rest of the family? I say "you go, girl!"

HarrietStyles · 28/10/2023 14:24

I don’t think it would in any way psychologically damage your children. But it might irreparably damage your marriage if your husband isn’t on board. My husband goes away for work several times a year for work and I do everything in his absence and have no problem with this because it pays our mortgage. However if he turned around and told me that he wanted to go on a personal trip abroad on his own for anything more than 2/3 weeks then I would be hurt and feel that he was being incredibly selfish. And I wouldn’t dream of using family money to suggest I did the same….. or expect my husband to work, look after the kids and run the household solo for 9 weeks. Wait until your kids are finished school and do it in 7 years time.

Itwasamemo3 · 28/10/2023 14:24

johnd2 · 28/10/2023 13:57

Think of it this way, you are teaching them that your needs matter and you are not there in service of everyone else all the time. That's a healthy lesson.
And lots of jobs one of the parents are away for long periods of time, so it's not fundamentally damaging to children.
Unless there's a big drip feed that their father is abusive and they are scared of him.

For another perspective if my partner said this I would be nervous about doing everything myself for this time, but I would also be glad they can do something to be themselves for a relatively short period in the grand scheme. But I am not your partner so he will feel differently from me. (Our children are 1 and 4 which may make a difference)

Good luck and I hope you can work it out.

This . My husband went climbing in the Himalayas for three months when my children were that age . Kids fine and it really wasn’t an issue!

Pumpkinspicelattetime · 28/10/2023 14:24

How would you afford it? You'll be unemployed for the duration and who knows how long afterwards. You would essentially be a drain on your family for 9 weeks. Not contributing financially, just taking, and not contributing to the running of the household. You can't just ditch your family for 9 weeks. I very much doubt all the posters supporting the OP would support a man in such a situation.

IfYouDontAsk · 28/10/2023 14:26

As you asked;

I think you are selfish and I wouldn’t consider this something a good mum would do.

^^ agree with Lemsipper. And it’s really sad for your kids that you are happy to be apart from them for nine weeks.

This scenario is nothing like working away from children for weeks at a time, as many parents in the armed forces have to do. Nothing like it.

GoodlifeGlow · 28/10/2023 14:27

If you have a 9 week window I’d do a short 3 week trip on your own then back and take the family for a 4 week trip in December.

9 weeks on your own is way too much, splitting it and doing part with your family should in theory give you the best of both worlds.

also suggest to your kids they travel before having kids!

XelaM · 28/10/2023 14:28

Why can't you take your teens with you to travel over the summer holidays?

peenaction · 28/10/2023 14:29

@TravelBugMum Sensible decision not to go.

Going would be monstrously selfish. Children of 11 and 13 would feel abandoned.

Plus if my husband had proposed to swan off for 9 weeks of fun and adventure, leaving me at home with the children, I'd have thought that was the end of our marriage. I'd have thought that if he had only proposed to do it for 4 weeks, too.

Having to be away to earn money is different - it's for the benefit of the whole family. A month/two-month jolly benefits nobody but the person who's going.

The time to fulfil your dreams is when your children are older.

Saharafordessert · 28/10/2023 14:29

I wouldn’t give up on your dream but I really don’t think it’s the right time. Your children are only just into secondary school and as such will still need support as they navigate their education which we all know is tricky at that age!
Of course they have their father but you haven’t mentioned his working hours/pattern so that’s also a factor to consider.
Id just wait a few years and really go for it then, best all round.

LuckySantangelo35 · 28/10/2023 14:31

There are mummy martyrs on here though - the type that won’t even go to the gym on a weekend, cos that ‘family time’

BethDuttonsTwin · 28/10/2023 14:31

I think you will be instilling a sense of adventure and curiosity about the world in them. I think your husband is just a bit jealous.

How does it? Surely them all going together would I still far more love of adventure and travel in them? Otherwise it’s all just Travel For Me But Not For Thee. It’s not even like the kids are tiny. They could do a six week tour in the summer holidays or even wait a few years - when they last child does their GCSEs they’ll usually finish at end of June and then they’ve got 8/9 weeks to go then before sixth form starts. I think it’s horribly selfish.

BethDuttonsTwin · 28/10/2023 14:32

LuckySantangelo35 · 28/10/2023 14:31

There are mummy martyrs on here though - the type that won’t even go to the gym on a weekend, cos that ‘family time’

Which would be pathetic, but is in no way whatsoever similar to 9 weeks travelling alone and leaving them all at home.

pleasehelpwi3 · 28/10/2023 14:33

A month is enough for both those places to get the idea.

LuckySantangelo35 · 28/10/2023 14:34

All those saying wait for the holidays to take the kids

a) Parents down owe their kids travel. My parents never took me anywhere abroad and they were still good parents. All my travelling happened when I was an adult with a job to fund it myself.

b) she needs to go now whilst she is inbetween jobs. It’s now or never.

go for it Op!!

notahappybunny7 · 28/10/2023 14:34

There’s nothing wrong with putting family first. Just because you don’t like your kids, if you even have any.

Rewis · 28/10/2023 14:34

You're not going to damage your kids. You will likely damage your marriage if your husband is on not on board

LuckySantangelo35 · 28/10/2023 14:35

notahappybunny7 · 28/10/2023 14:34

There’s nothing wrong with putting family first. Just because you don’t like your kids, if you even have any.

@notahappybunny7

does family have to “come first” ALL the time though? Surely it’s good for kids to see their parents as independent beings with their own interests and passions outside of the family, no?

TokyoSushi · 28/10/2023 14:36

Mine are the same age, I wouldn't do it. DH is lovely, they love him, and he can do everything. But I've just been on a 3 day business trip and they just don't like me being away, I'm their comfort blanket so to speak and while they're fine, they're unsettled without me. I literally couldn't do it to them.

SophieTheGuineaPig · 28/10/2023 14:36

I wonder if this is some sort of "reverse" thread, where it's actually OP's partner that wants to go away for 2 months?

In case this is not, then: leaving your husband to parent alone for 2 months is incredibly selfish. Leaving your children behind at these ages is selfish.

Find away to travel as a family now, and then go solo when they're adults.

If my husband suggested that, I'd go ballistic

WithTheHatToMatch · 28/10/2023 14:37

A holiday alone for a couple of weeks? Great! 9 weeks travelling away from your kids and leaving your husband to parent then alone is quite an odd choice. Are you having some sort of breakdown? Why do you feel the need to do this?

If my DH said he wanted to do this I’d tell him to get fucked.