Am I abandoning my children by going away?

[TravelBugMum]

Hi. I have just resigned from my job of 20 years and finally have an opportunity to fulfil my desire to travel.
My children are both now settled in secondary school, years 7 & 8, ages 11 and 13.
I want to travel by myself for 2 months (9 weeks) as you can't take this amount of time off while you are working.
My husband of 14 years will be at home with the kids. But he is not happy & says I will be "psychologically damaging them for the rest of their lives if I go away for 9 weeks and abandoning them" . He is just about OK with 4 weeks away, but I don't feel this is long enough for Australia and New Zealand ( which he has no desire to visit.). We are working on a compromise...
What is the risk of me hurting my children by doing this?
i have talked to them both to explain why i want to go, but understand it is difficult for them to be honest with me. They dont want to upset me by telling me not to go.
Has any other mum done this?
Am I being " selfish and not a good mum" by wanting to go?
How can I reduce the risk of my children feeling abandoned ?
Please help.

I’m all for solo holidays, just got back from a 7 night girls trip to the US, but 9 weeks WTF?? Just find a 2 week holiday you can do and leave the travelling for when the kids are at uni.

I hope you still find a way to travel OP

Yes your kids are too young for 9 weeks, but 3 weeks would be ok? Then a special family holiday perhaps, where you take them with you after that?

It's so important to look after your own needs, so try to find a way that works for everyone,

They will be inspired by you, and it shows them that their Mum is her own person and that healthy marriages can accomodate these needs. Ask your DH what he would like as a special favour in return, so everybody wins

I really hope you still go x

She isn’t working away it’s a holiday. Seriously, if you choose to have children then I think their needs should come first. You can put yourself first when they’re adults or before you have them. If you really don’t want to do that well, motherhood isn’t compulsory.

I personally don't think it is!! And OP has 'caved' into what people are saying too easily, really, for it to be true. I doubt she'll be back!

Take them with you. Remove them from school and go, they'll have a great time and learn a lot, everything else can be caught up later.

I think it's amazingly selfish. I wouldn't leave my husband for a week to go on a self indulgent trip, let alone leave him and my children for nine weeks. If you choose to have a family, they should be your top priority.

Wouldn't you...miss your husband and children? Don't you love them and enjoy spending time with them? If not, that is a problem to look at.

And no, it's not "misogynistic" to say this plan is selfish. I would absolutely judge any father for wanting to do this too.

Of course mums should prioritise themselves sometimes. Go for spa weekends regularly, even a week in Thailand with mates once a year, whatever. This is way beyond that

Haven’t read all posts but it doesn’t seem like you’re getting a lot of support here OP.
So
I think if you talk to your kids they will be very proud that their mother is embarking on an adventure and fulfilling her dreams.
They have their dad it’s not like they are being abandoned with evil aunty.

Think OP of all the parents, mainly dads, who work away from home for extended periods of time.
Aid workers and missionaries
The armed forces.
Oil workers and deep sea divers
Journalists and actors
etc etc etc etc etc etc

Are all their kids emotionally and psychologically harmed?
Of course not.
Those people could have chosen jobs that keep them near their kids all the time but they didn’t. They followed they dreams why cant you for a couple of months.

I just wouldn't want to be away from DC for 9 weeks. It's not something I would even contemplate, however badly I wanted to go somewhere. 3 nights is about my max and I think I've only ever done that once, and DS is 11!!

The difference with this scenario is that your da was away making a living. I think 9 weeks away from a young family is selfish.

I love travelling, but the majority of the time is with DC and DH, or DH and I alone for a short break. I have traveled alone for special birthday with friends but maximun was 10 days and I was looking forward to go back home towards the end.

I have traveled with DC alone too but maximum 2 weeks to visit family overseas

I will not leave my family for 2 months to travel alone

This is a once in a very long while opportunity, she won't this amount of time free again until retirement.

It's a one off, comprise on the 9 weeks but definitely go.

Read the OP

Go for a month op, have a fab time!

ignore the mummy martyrs on here

Just throwing in there that kids that age (and younger) go away to boarding school for several weeks at a time and some parents work away from home for several weeks at a time.
Of course other factors need taking into account but it’s generally unlikely to psychologically damage a child to not see a parent for a few weeks.

Can't believe the hysteria on this thread.
Either you think being away from your child that long is damaging or you don't, so it shouldn't make a difference whether it's a holiday or not.
9 weeks away one-off for mum is nowhere near as damaging as oh I don't know, all the millions of men who work overseas and don't see their kids for months on end for YEARS of a child's life.
Bloody go for it OP, your child will not be irreversibly damaged by it at all.

@Pugdays

they can travel when they’re adults like most of us had to wait to do

Maybe 4 weeks? how would you feel if your DH wanted to go for 9weeks?

I can't believe the responses on here! I don't think it's selfish to want to take an opportunity to do something you've always wanted to do. If DH asked me if he could do this and I knew it was a lifelong dream, I'd fully support it and I'd expect the same from him. We all only live once, and if you didn't have the opportunity when you were younger but have the opportunity now, then why not? Your children are old enough to understand. In the grand scheme of life I honestly don't think 9 weeks is a long time. It's a one off, once in a lifetime thing. Yes, your DH and kids could go with you - but they won't share the same interests by the sounds of it or want to see the same places / may not be compatible with the activities you have in mind and you won't get the experience you hoped for and they might not enjoy it anyway.

I guess the things you'd need to consider would be everyone would need to be on board, as it affects everyone. Are the children ok with you going? How much extra would DH be doing - do you usually do activity drop offs or school runs etc, how do you normally split the household running, meals, chores etc? Do you have family support or can you fund some help if needed while you're away?

I'm in the lucky position that DH and I share everything and he takes on his equal share, so me not being here for a period of time isn't a massive issue for him because he's fully capable of looking after the DC and seeing to everything else that's needed. We have given each other a weeks holiday with friends each in the last year - me a girls holiday and him a lads holiday. Could you reciprocate and facilititate a similar "break" or support him with something he would like to do when the opportunity comes?

I think if you feel like you're abandoning your children then you won't be able to enjoy yourself so you need to answer all these questions first and talk it through as a family. Of course it's a selfish thing - it's YOUR dream. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it if it's not going to negatively affect others?

If it doesn't feel right though, then the compromise is waiting until the kids are older, or taking all of them with you (if financially possible), or shortening the duration and doing it in 2 or 3 stints instead of one big one?

I don't think it's selfish at all. It won't damage them in the slightest -you might inspire them to get the travel bug themselves.

I will say though, years 7&8 aren't important years. I'd be tempted to take them out of school and with me.

See, some people have thrown around the word misogyny but I think comments like this are misogynistic.

It's not being "a mummy martyr" to enjoy spending time and travelling with your family. It's ok to enjoy being a mother. It's ok to enjoy the company of your husband and kids. It's unfortunate if you're married with children but would rather not spend time with your family.

This kind of comment reminds me of a friend of mine, a woman, who is always looking down on mothers and uses phrase like "yummy mummies" in a scornful tone. As if the only successful woman is one without a family, as if being a mother means being a martyr to your family. That's misogyny

We have quite a few work away from the kids style parents in my family (foreign correspondent, navy, medic) I honestly think their children have all been affected by it.
It's a long time. It will fly by with the kids in high school and then you can fuck off all you want. I would be mightily pissed off with DH if he wanted to be away for more than 2 weeks.

Gosh. I think this is extremely different to working away. I have friends who are in the army who deploy and, while I don’t think it traumatises children I do know that they find life harder while their parents are away.

I think your children are at an age where they actually really need you to be there consistently. Year 7 + 8 is a hard +
confusing time. What if your 11 year old has a big friend fall out + just really needs you?

i know other people think differently, but i think you abnegate the right to opt out of family life like that when you have children. You had time before them, and there will come a time, in the next 6 years, when you will have space again - it’s not as if you will suddenly be too old then… I’m all for taking breaks. I regularly go away for weekends without my DC - but that’s really different to absenting myself from their lives

Take a 3 week break now, visit somewhere exciting for a really extended trip. Factor in a career break later on.

My mum did this when I was 14. She spent her whole childhood travelling the world with her Dad for work. She spent most of her young adult life travelling and then settled down and had children. It completely damaged our relationship she missed out on a lot while she was gone. I was settled and happy at secondary school but not having her around at the end of the day to chat to for that long meant that when she did come back I didn't need her. I am much closer to my Dad because of it and this clearly still upsets her but it was her choice to go.

Goodness me OP.
Why are you listening to all these martyrs.
Read all the comments.
Many people point out very reasonable points in favour of your travelling.
Don t give up your dreams because of a lot of MN posters.