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Original poster

Am I abandoning my children by going away?

577 replies

TravelBugMum · 28/10/2023 12:40

Hi. I have just resigned from my job of 20 years and finally have an opportunity to fulfil my desire to travel.
My children are both now settled in secondary school, years 7 & 8, ages 11 and 13.
I want to travel by myself for 2 months (9 weeks) as you can't take this amount of time off while you are working.
My husband of 14 years will be at home with the kids. But he is not happy & says I will be "psychologically damaging them for the rest of their lives if I go away for 9 weeks and abandoning them" . He is just about OK with 4 weeks away, but I don't feel this is long enough for Australia and New Zealand ( which he has no desire to visit.). We are working on a compromise...
What is the risk of me hurting my children by doing this?
i have talked to them both to explain why i want to go, but understand it is difficult for them to be honest with me. They dont want to upset me by telling me not to go.
Has any other mum done this?
Am I being " selfish and not a good mum" by wanting to go?
How can I reduce the risk of my children feeling abandoned ?
Please help.

OP posts:
muddyford · 29/10/2023 15:43

Abandoning is going away with no intention of coming back. Your DH is being ridiculous. You sound like the sort of parent who would have resilient children. Not so sure about your DH though!

ZoeCM · 29/10/2023 15:43

CurlewKate · 28/10/2023 20:47

This calls for a family meeting. Men are frequently away for 9 weeks or longer so why shouldn't you? Kids in boarding school are often away from home for 9 weeks. But everyone needs to be on board. Don't be emotionally blackmailed or bullied. Go for it!

Eh? People who were sent to boarding school as children have all sorts of psychological problems! I thought that was fairly common knowledge nowadays?

Anyway, I can only speak for myself, but I would have been very hurt if either of my parents had chosen to leave me to go travelling at that age. It would have massively damaged my self-esteem. I would have wondered why on Earth one of my own parents was so indifferent towards me.

AGovernmentOfLawsAndNotMen · 29/10/2023 15:53

notahappybunny7 · 28/10/2023 23:14

Kids in boarding school are fucked up massively. What’s your point?

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Sweeping statement there.
Not all kids in boarding school are ……… massively
Unless you know all of them
I know several hundred,( past and present ) none of them fall into this category.

crumblingschools · 29/10/2023 15:58

I can just imagine going through the photos of the trip to your DC and showing them all the marvellous things you did and saw and then say ‘by the way we are going to Skegness for the family holiday’!

MagicFarawayTea · 29/10/2023 17:45

MrsJellybee · 28/10/2023 12:47

Not at 11 and 13.

Possibly 16 and 18.

What, up and leave when they are facing GCSES and A levels? This is when they really need support and love from parents.
l think if you are a parent you forfeit your rights to piss off on “adventures” until they are grown.

Pineapple35 · 29/10/2023 18:06

Very selfish, leaving your family for 9 weeks as now you feel that you have the opportunity to travel.
Your poor children. No wonder your husband is not happy. I would be fuming if it was the other way around.

ginasevern · 29/10/2023 18:09

Working away and fulfilling a fantasy are two very different things. People who work away are doing it for their family and have probably done so since the kids were little. I'm not sure about psychological damage but I do think this is something you should've done either before you had 2 kids or when they are older.

CurlewKate · 29/10/2023 18:11

16 and 18 are the worst possible time to go!

Mummy08m · 29/10/2023 18:23

l think if you are a parent you forfeit your rights to piss off on “adventures” until they are grown.

I agree with the sentiment behind this comment but also, you can have adventures with your family. (And/or go for shorter solo adventures.)

I have a really good memory of hiking around a site called The Baths of Aphrodite in Cyprus with my dh holding a 1yo dd in the carrier. It absolutely was an adventure, and we still read her a lot of the greek myths at home.

I think only a grumpy misanthrope, or someone with no imagination, would consider that all adventures must be solo. Don't get me wrong I have my grumpy misanthropic moments myself, but honestly, why have kids at all if you just fantasise about being free of them...?

CornishTiger · 29/10/2023 18:31

I’d do it. At those ages yes I would. 16 and 18 no- GCSEs and Alevels. I’d go when there wasn’t anything major on. Jan /Feb. Your husband doesn’t want to travel. It’s fine that you go on your own unless the children want to go too?

peenaction · 29/10/2023 18:37

CurlewKate · 29/10/2023 18:11

16 and 18 are the worst possible time to go!

I wouldn't go then, either. I personally wouldn't do it until my DC were at university (or whatever they might do instead of that).

Frankie2018 · 29/10/2023 18:40

My Mum did something similar. She is in general quite a selfish person and I've been NC with her for years

peenaction · 29/10/2023 18:41

AGovernmentOfLawsAndNotMen · 29/10/2023 11:43

Wondering if @peenaction is Irish as they call their parents Mummy and Daddy, it’s not shortened to mum and dad.
All relatives etc in Ireland do and friends in Northern Ireland also.

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I'm afraid I can lay no more claim to Irishness than I can to being a member of the Royal Family (though would be glad to be able to claim the former).

We are just an ordinary English family who would be regarded by lots of people on MN as "posh" - but calling your parents Mummy and Daddy is not uncommon among the young adults I know. If I didn't have nicknames for my parents, I'd probably do it myself.

LittleMonstera · 29/10/2023 18:43

Coincidentally I just asked my partner a couple days ago if he minds me nipping off for a short solo trip in the new year while he stays with our then 9 month old and he said no problem. My father worked overseas when I was little and my partners folks do expeditions and holidays separately so it's not a crazy concept to us.
The OP probably isn't still reading replies but I'd do 30 days and plan it as 10 days solo, 10 days the kids come out to join you, final 10 days solo.
It's not a random jolly it's the first time she's not been working or looking after small children for 20 years and I assume she's saved up herself for a long time. Self-care isn't the same as selfish and one of my favourite expressions is 'you can't pour from an empty cup'.
As a kid I'd think my mum was really cool for solo travelling and maybe they could have enjoyed some special treatment at home like extra days/evenings out, friends over and pizza, late nights with a campfire (or an extra hour gaming) etc.

Lastchancechica · 29/10/2023 18:44

peenaction · 29/10/2023 18:41

I'm afraid I can lay no more claim to Irishness than I can to being a member of the Royal Family (though would be glad to be able to claim the former).

We are just an ordinary English family who would be regarded by lots of people on MN as "posh" - but calling your parents Mummy and Daddy is not uncommon among the young adults I know. If I didn't have nicknames for my parents, I'd probably do it myself.

Show quote history

We are English and our adult children call us Mummy and Daddy usually at home or with close friends and family. It’s mother and father outside of these settings.

Mumof3confused · 29/10/2023 18:46

My ex used to act like this over a 4-day conference. That was ridiculous. 9 weeks though. My kids are the same ages as hours and I don’t think this would be in their best interest. Why can’t you just go to one of those countries and spend half the time?

RaininSummer · 29/10/2023 18:53

I don't see why this has to be a big abandoning drama. My ex was away 9 months every year for work all though my kid's childhoods. You can FaceTime and bring back great gifts. Will be good for your husband maybe to try parenting solo.

Mrssu · 29/10/2023 19:11

Go for it. Could maybe do 6 weeks but it's an opportunity you should consider for sure.

Aly1977 · 29/10/2023 19:33

I went away to work for 2 weeks abroad when my eldest was 2 I missed her everyday it was horrendous, then 20 years later when I also had a 9 year old myself and my partner went away to oz for 2 weeks it was sheer bliss, I couldn’t do 9 weeks though even being an ex travel rep and missing my life before kids I couldn’t do it they’d be coming for the 6 weeks holiday with me if I had the money to travel

DaggerIsle · 29/10/2023 19:39

Fact is, if her husband is unhappy with the length of time, it's clearly a problem for the family.
No-one mentioned anything about the time difference, which will clearly affect communication with the kids.

LillyOfTheValley2020 · 29/10/2023 19:43

as per other poster - how would you feel if your husband said all this to you 😳

Atethehalloweenchocs · 29/10/2023 19:47

Plenty of parents work away and are fine. Or go off on expeditions etc. So tell the naysayers to fuck off, make sure you set up times to speak regularly and maybe arrange for them to all meet you somewhere at the end of your travels.

Nowdontmakeamess · 29/10/2023 19:49

RaininSummer · 29/10/2023 18:53

I don't see why this has to be a big abandoning drama. My ex was away 9 months every year for work all though my kid's childhoods. You can FaceTime and bring back great gifts. Will be good for your husband maybe to try parenting solo.

Surely you can see the difference between your ex who was never around from birth and so would have had a completely different relationship and attachment to his children versus the op who’s children are used to seeing her every day. I cannot comprehend the selfishness - not only the disruption and upset it would cause her kids but also expecting her DH to cover whilst he presumably will not get the same opportunity.

DoughBallss · 29/10/2023 20:00

I don’t think it is damaging but I think it is extremely selfish. The kids aren’t teenagers they are still quite young and would probably feel left out that you are going away without them.

Personal preference but we never go on holiday without our kids, why would I want to miss out on the memories and do it alone? Plenty of time for that when they grow up.

Blueink · 29/10/2023 20:13

Agree it’s too long and obv DH not on board anyway so would book the 4 weeks he is happy to cover as a compromise. Long enough for Australia & NZ. If it works out this time, possibly consider 4 weeks elsewhere later.