Page 16 | Am I abandoning my children by going away?

TravelBugMum · 2023-10-28T11:40:32+00:00

Hi. I have just resigned from my job of 20 years and finally have an opportunity to fulfil my desire to travel. My children are both now settled in secondary school, years 7 & 8, ages 11 and 13. I want to travel by myself for 2 months (9 weeks) as you can't take this amount of time off while you are working. My husband of 14 years will be at home with the kids. But he is not happy & says I will be "psychologically damaging them for the rest of their lives if I go away for 9 weeks and abandoning them" . He is just about OK with 4 weeks away, but I don't feel this is long enough for Australia and New Zealand ( which he has no desire to visit.). We are working on a compromise... What is the risk of me hurting my children by doing this? i have talked to them both to explain why i want to go, but understand it is difficult for them to be honest with me. They dont want to upset me by telling me not to go. Has any other mum done this? Am I being " selfish and not a good mum" by wanting to go? How can I reduce the risk of my children feeling abandoned ? Please help.

peenaction · 28/10/2023 23:18

Kids in boarding school are often away from home for 9 weeks

Actually, they're not. Even at a full boarding school (as opposed to one where some children board and others don't) they are rarely away for longer than 19 days at any one stretch (they have regular exeats - or long weekends - and then the normal half terms and school holidays, only these are longer than the state or even day school equivalents).

peenaction · 28/10/2023 23:19

Kids in boarding school are fucked up massively

In your opinion.

Mummy08m · 28/10/2023 23:24

MrsSkylerWhite · 28/10/2023 23:16

shutupyoutart

This! You articulated so much what I was thinking. So sick of women being called selfish for daring to have dreams and wants outside of being a parent, op doesn't deserve the pile on she got, sadly don't think she will return to the thread

Part of being a parent means putting your dreams and wants aside until your children are relatively independent. OP’s children aren’t yet. She can travel in a few years, when they are.

Agree - and also, "dreams" and children aren't mutually exclusive.

I'm not the most maternal mother going but when I visualise travelling to different places it's definitely with dh and dd there, I look forward to sharing that experience with them.

I think this modern trend of individuality being essential to well-being is nuts, like the pp above implies, who says she's a therapist. I'm part of a nuclear family and we enjoy doing most stuff together. That doesn't mean I've lost myself or something.

Frankly I think it's heartbreaking that so many commenters on here (presumably mostly mums) seem to think motherhood/marriage is all one long sacrificial prison sentence with occasional parole-breaks where they get to escape and "be themselves". And that if you actually enjoy being with your dh and dc and would choose to spend time with them, you're a "mummy martyr". Wtf.

XelaM · 28/10/2023 23:34

Shutupyoutart · 28/10/2023 19:49

This! You articulated so much what I was thinking. So sick of women being called selfish for daring to have dreams and wants outside of being a parent, op doesn't deserve the pile on she got, sadly don't think she will return to the thread

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I don't understand why anyone's dreams have to be on hold with teens. Why not travel to Australia with them during the six weeks' summer break? I the would feel awful travelling somewhere so fun without my 13-year-old.

coodawoodashooda · 28/10/2023 23:35

bullseyeboat · 28/10/2023 12:45

finally have an opportunity to fulfil my desire to travel.

You don't though, you have a family. That's your responsibility.

Yeah. 9 weeks is bloody ages.

XelaM · 28/10/2023 23:37

Mummy08m · 28/10/2023 23:24

Agree - and also, "dreams" and children aren't mutually exclusive.

I'm not the most maternal mother going but when I visualise travelling to different places it's definitely with dh and dd there, I look forward to sharing that experience with them.

I think this modern trend of individuality being essential to well-being is nuts, like the pp above implies, who says she's a therapist. I'm part of a nuclear family and we enjoy doing most stuff together. That doesn't mean I've lost myself or something.

Frankly I think it's heartbreaking that so many commenters on here (presumably mostly mums) seem to think motherhood/marriage is all one long sacrificial prison sentence with occasional parole-breaks where they get to escape and "be themselves". And that if you actually enjoy being with your dh and dc and would choose to spend time with them, you're a "mummy martyr". Wtf.

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I so agree with this. I love travelling with my teen and my dreams are certainly not on hold waiting for her to turn 18 so I can do stuff on my own 🤷‍♀️

honestlyseriously · 28/10/2023 23:54

Selfish.

shardash · 28/10/2023 23:59

Lastchancechica · 28/10/2023 16:54

If you have to work away and have no choice to survive that is one thing but this is a choice! Most people love their kids and would miss them too much.

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'Survive' is a bit of a strong word. We're not talking about people having to leave their kids behind as a matter of life or death, they have chosen their career.

EarlGreywithLemon · 29/10/2023 00:48

Mummy08m · 28/10/2023 23:24

Agree - and also, "dreams" and children aren't mutually exclusive.

I'm not the most maternal mother going but when I visualise travelling to different places it's definitely with dh and dd there, I look forward to sharing that experience with them.

I think this modern trend of individuality being essential to well-being is nuts, like the pp above implies, who says she's a therapist. I'm part of a nuclear family and we enjoy doing most stuff together. That doesn't mean I've lost myself or something.

Frankly I think it's heartbreaking that so many commenters on here (presumably mostly mums) seem to think motherhood/marriage is all one long sacrificial prison sentence with occasional parole-breaks where they get to escape and "be themselves". And that if you actually enjoy being with your dh and dc and would choose to spend time with them, you're a "mummy martyr". Wtf.

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This is so perfectly put

Lastchancechica · 29/10/2023 04:11

shardash · 28/10/2023 23:59

'Survive' is a bit of a strong word. We're not talking about people having to leave their kids behind as a matter of life or death, they have chosen their career.

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That’s such as first world response! And shows your lack of awareness and privilege.

Millions of mothers are forced to work overseas and live in developing countries. It’s the norm for mothers to leave their children to work in Thailand for example. They don’t choose! They have no choice if they are to feed and clothe their babies.

Lastchancechica · 29/10/2023 04:18

This is not the case here. The mother feels entitled to leave her children - through choice for leisure and for a very long time, without a thought of the impact on them.

Children in developing countries grow up in a tight family units from the very start with grandparents living with them and raising the dc as well as parents. It must still be hard and painful for them to lose their mother for essential work purposes.

Why would you knowingly harm your child by choice??

It’s unthinkable to me to leave your children for so long. I suspect op is totally checked out already, and has been for years to even consider this idea.

Poor children 😞

MrsKnows · 29/10/2023 06:14

Well said!

It’s so sad that the only way to survive is to ditch the family. If that’s the feeling, perhaps it’s better to simply leave forever - it may be a better message than ‘I’m here with it suits me but not if you need me! You’ll never know if you can rely on me because you’re a burden I need to escape from!’

MrsKnows · 29/10/2023 06:20

Well said. I’m sorry for your pain. I hope all is better now. 💝

MrsKnows · 29/10/2023 06:23

I’m am nearly 60. My mother has been Mummy all my life. It’s not an age thing. It’s her name!

CurlewKate · 29/10/2023 06:27

People are forgetting that the children's father (you know- their other parent!) is going to be there. The OP is not planning on abandoning them in a dog kennel with an automatic feeder. And they are secondary age. Perfectly old enough to have a proper conversation with.
@TravelBugMum Have that conversation. Ignore the hysteria on here.Go.

crumblingschools · 29/10/2023 06:33

I don’t think you would be abandoning your DC if you went but I would not be impressed with DH if he announced he was going on a nine week jolly to NZ and Australia to find himself

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/10/2023 08:25

peenaction · 28/10/2023 22:29

Mine still call us Mummy and Daddy and they are all between 19 and 22.

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@peenaction

really?
are you members of the royal family?

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/10/2023 08:27

Lastchancechica · 29/10/2023 04:18

This is not the case here. The mother feels entitled to leave her children - through choice for leisure and for a very long time, without a thought of the impact on them.

Children in developing countries grow up in a tight family units from the very start with grandparents living with them and raising the dc as well as parents. It must still be hard and painful for them to lose their mother for essential work purposes.

Why would you knowingly harm your child by choice??

It’s unthinkable to me to leave your children for so long. I suspect op is totally checked out already, and has been for years to even consider this idea.

Poor children 😞

@Lastchancechica

come off it
can you really not get your head round op wanting to d do something just for herself?

notahappybunny7 · 29/10/2023 09:18

CurlewKate · 29/10/2023 06:27

People are forgetting that the children's father (you know- their other parent!) is going to be there. The OP is not planning on abandoning them in a dog kennel with an automatic feeder. And they are secondary age. Perfectly old enough to have a proper conversation with.
@TravelBugMum Have that conversation. Ignore the hysteria on here.Go.

It really wouldn’t matter how many significant adults were around, their MOTHER would rather dick around on the other side of the world than ve with her children or take them with her. But you’re right she probably should go. To even consider this she probably doesn’t add much to their lives anyway.

CurlewKate · 29/10/2023 09:24

@notahappybunny7 "But you’re right she probably should go. To even consider this she probably doesn’t add much to their lives anyway."

Jesus Christ! I repeat. 9 weeks. Not 9 months or 9 years. Secondary school age. Active involved father.

notahappybunny7 · 29/10/2023 09:50

CurlewKate · 29/10/2023 09:24

@notahappybunny7 "But you’re right she probably should go. To even consider this she probably doesn’t add much to their lives anyway."

Jesus Christ! I repeat. 9 weeks. Not 9 months or 9 years. Secondary school age. Active involved father.

If a man was considering this the general consensus would be ltb and he’d already checked out of family life. Why is it different for a woman?

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 29/10/2023 10:18

MrsSkylerWhite · 28/10/2023 22:37

They have a dad...
**
And if they miss mum, they can call/message her. At that age the childten are at school/parents at work so the amount of hours you spend together each day isn't many anywaY”

Rubbish. “If” they miss mum? You expect young children to be happy with “messages”?

Do you have children?

Young children? They're 11 and 13.

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 29/10/2023 10:22

notahappybunny7 · 28/10/2023 23:11

If you’re actually a therapist you sound crap. This lady couldn’t give 2 fucks about her kids, she would not consider this if she did. What are you going to say, as a “therapist “ when her kids are coming to you in a few years? It’s as clear as day op’s kids are low down her list.

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You seriously think her kids will be in therapy in the future because their mum went away for a couple of months? Give your head a wobble.

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/10/2023 10:22

notahappybunny7 · 29/10/2023 09:18

It really wouldn’t matter how many significant adults were around, their MOTHER would rather dick around on the other side of the world than ve with her children or take them with her. But you’re right she probably should go. To even consider this she probably doesn’t add much to their lives anyway.

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@notahappybunny7

lol

you do realise MOTHERS are also PEOPLE in their own right? With their own passions, interests, hobbies etc. it does kids good to know that.

Comedycook · 29/10/2023 10:22

My dd is 13...I'd miss her like crazy if I went away for nine weeks. She went away on a school residential for a week and I missed her so much. I can't imagine not seeing her for that long.