Page 15 | Am I abandoning my children by going away?

TravelBugMum · 2023-10-28T11:40:32+00:00

Hi. I have just resigned from my job of 20 years and finally have an opportunity to fulfil my desire to travel. My children are both now settled in secondary school, years 7 & 8, ages 11 and 13. I want to travel by myself for 2 months (9 weeks) as you can't take this amount of time off while you are working. My husband of 14 years will be at home with the kids. But he is not happy & says I will be "psychologically damaging them for the rest of their lives if I go away for 9 weeks and abandoning them" . He is just about OK with 4 weeks away, but I don't feel this is long enough for Australia and New Zealand ( which he has no desire to visit.). We are working on a compromise... What is the risk of me hurting my children by doing this? i have talked to them both to explain why i want to go, but understand it is difficult for them to be honest with me. They dont want to upset me by telling me not to go. Has any other mum done this? Am I being " selfish and not a good mum" by wanting to go? How can I reduce the risk of my children feeling abandoned ? Please help.

Catherineisgreat · 28/10/2023 19:13

I can’t believe the majority of responses on this thread. Such, judgement, anger, bitterness being thrown at the OP. And yes I have RTFT. I lost count of how many pp called the OP selfish, then there was the possibility of developing PTSD and a personality disorder! Just shows what happens to women who step out of the lines of social conformity. Such a total lack of understanding and empathy, that we are all different and have different needs. And no, I don’t think you have to place this all on hold until they go to uni.

So many posters saying “but why not take them?” Isn’t the point to get away and be an individual for a while? So many accusations of being selfish. The origins of the word selfish, mean “caring for the self”. I have been a therapist for 20 years and support my clients in developing their ability to care for themselves.

A child with a secure attachment to their parent is unlikely to be psychologically damaged by this break, if it is well managed and there is regular contact whilst away. As a caveat, no one can be entirely sure how a family will respond to a separation, so there is an element of risk. Most likely to the marriage, if one or other of the partners decides they prefer solo life. But if the OP really wants/needs this, there are risks to the marriage of not doing it. Consensus is important.

It has been interesting to see the lines drawn around what is acceptable (according to some PP), for a mother to do, such as, it’s ok to go for a spa weekend, maybe a week in Spain, weekend breaks with children, but not spouse. But don’t dare step out of the lines of social conformity, or the vipers will attack.

Parenting is all consuming these days. I work full time and spend my weekends running my 12 year around social activities, as do all the parents I know. It wasn’t like this for my mother in the the seventies and eighties. I occupied myself, as did all my friends. So no my mother didn’t “fuck off for 9 weeks”, but parenting was nothing like it is now.

More parents should take a break but particularly mothers who often hold the responsibility of wife work for decades sometimes.

I know OP has said, she isn’t going and was patronisingly told “well done”.

OP, I hope you reconsider and care for the self!

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 28/10/2023 19:13

Why do you have to bugger off on your own anyway? I wouldn't want to travel without my husband and family.

Newsflash: different people like doing different things.

Zanatdy · 28/10/2023 19:22

SleepingStandingUp · 28/10/2023 16:27

Well I would judge any parent who chose to work abroad for that length of time and didn't see his kids. But even I can see there's a difference between went to work and quit work to go on a holiday

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You’d judge a parent for going away for 9wks over someone going away for 3yrs? He didn’t need to work overseas, he chose to further his career. It impacted on his children a lot more than if I’d have gone away for 9wks trust me. No-one judges him because he’s a man.

Mummy08m · 28/10/2023 19:41

TomatoSandwiches · 28/10/2023 18:29

Yes, no one would call him a monster and question his love for his family.

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Wouldn't they?!

If my dh proposed leaving me for 2mo of leisure travelling I'd absolutely be calling him monstrous and questioning if he loved me and the kid(s).

And by 9w of no sex or intimacy or attention I'd be starting to check out other men for sure, and frankly wouldn't feel particularly guilty either as it would have been his choice to neglect me (unlike having to work for the forces or a long stint in hospital etc).

That is a long time to go deliberately without intimacy in an otherwise happy marriage.

Shutupyoutart · 28/10/2023 19:49

Catherineisgreat · 28/10/2023 19:13

I can’t believe the majority of responses on this thread. Such, judgement, anger, bitterness being thrown at the OP. And yes I have RTFT. I lost count of how many pp called the OP selfish, then there was the possibility of developing PTSD and a personality disorder! Just shows what happens to women who step out of the lines of social conformity. Such a total lack of understanding and empathy, that we are all different and have different needs. And no, I don’t think you have to place this all on hold until they go to uni.

So many posters saying “but why not take them?” Isn’t the point to get away and be an individual for a while? So many accusations of being selfish. The origins of the word selfish, mean “caring for the self”. I have been a therapist for 20 years and support my clients in developing their ability to care for themselves.

A child with a secure attachment to their parent is unlikely to be psychologically damaged by this break, if it is well managed and there is regular contact whilst away. As a caveat, no one can be entirely sure how a family will respond to a separation, so there is an element of risk. Most likely to the marriage, if one or other of the partners decides they prefer solo life. But if the OP really wants/needs this, there are risks to the marriage of not doing it. Consensus is important.

It has been interesting to see the lines drawn around what is acceptable (according to some PP), for a mother to do, such as, it’s ok to go for a spa weekend, maybe a week in Spain, weekend breaks with children, but not spouse. But don’t dare step out of the lines of social conformity, or the vipers will attack.

Parenting is all consuming these days. I work full time and spend my weekends running my 12 year around social activities, as do all the parents I know. It wasn’t like this for my mother in the the seventies and eighties. I occupied myself, as did all my friends. So no my mother didn’t “fuck off for 9 weeks”, but parenting was nothing like it is now.

More parents should take a break but particularly mothers who often hold the responsibility of wife work for decades sometimes.

I know OP has said, she isn’t going and was patronisingly told “well done”.

OP, I hope you reconsider and care for the self!

This! You articulated so much what I was thinking. So sick of women being called selfish for daring to have dreams and wants outside of being a parent, op doesn't deserve the pile on she got, sadly don't think she will return to the thread

MrsKnows · 28/10/2023 19:57

9 weeks away from little children is far too long! Go away for a week, if you must but don’t leave your family for two months! That seems like abandoning them.

Lastchancechica · 28/10/2023 19:57

Shutupyoutart · 28/10/2023 19:49

This! You articulated so much what I was thinking. So sick of women being called selfish for daring to have dreams and wants outside of being a parent, op doesn't deserve the pile on she got, sadly don't think she will return to the thread

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Pp have repeatedly said they would take precisely the same view if it was the father. It’s not really acceptable for either parent to abandon the other and leave the dc for so long.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 28/10/2023 20:01

Catherineisgreat · 28/10/2023 19:13

I can’t believe the majority of responses on this thread. Such, judgement, anger, bitterness being thrown at the OP. And yes I have RTFT. I lost count of how many pp called the OP selfish, then there was the possibility of developing PTSD and a personality disorder! Just shows what happens to women who step out of the lines of social conformity. Such a total lack of understanding and empathy, that we are all different and have different needs. And no, I don’t think you have to place this all on hold until they go to uni.

So many posters saying “but why not take them?” Isn’t the point to get away and be an individual for a while? So many accusations of being selfish. The origins of the word selfish, mean “caring for the self”. I have been a therapist for 20 years and support my clients in developing their ability to care for themselves.

A child with a secure attachment to their parent is unlikely to be psychologically damaged by this break, if it is well managed and there is regular contact whilst away. As a caveat, no one can be entirely sure how a family will respond to a separation, so there is an element of risk. Most likely to the marriage, if one or other of the partners decides they prefer solo life. But if the OP really wants/needs this, there are risks to the marriage of not doing it. Consensus is important.

It has been interesting to see the lines drawn around what is acceptable (according to some PP), for a mother to do, such as, it’s ok to go for a spa weekend, maybe a week in Spain, weekend breaks with children, but not spouse. But don’t dare step out of the lines of social conformity, or the vipers will attack.

Parenting is all consuming these days. I work full time and spend my weekends running my 12 year around social activities, as do all the parents I know. It wasn’t like this for my mother in the the seventies and eighties. I occupied myself, as did all my friends. So no my mother didn’t “fuck off for 9 weeks”, but parenting was nothing like it is now.

More parents should take a break but particularly mothers who often hold the responsibility of wife work for decades sometimes.

I know OP has said, she isn’t going and was patronisingly told “well done”.

OP, I hope you reconsider and care for the self!

Get off your high horse . A man wanting to fuck off on a jolly for 9 weeks would get his backside handed to him on here, it’s nothing to do with OP being a woman. I know exactly how hard working motherhood is these days, I am one. No one is saying she can’t get a break or time to herself or go on holiday but fucking off on holiday for 9 weeks when there kids at home is just not realistic.

MrsKnows · 28/10/2023 20:02

It’s fine to leave your children if you don’t mind what impact it will have. Mummy ‘being there’ matters to a lot of children. Feeling safe matters. If Daddy doesn’t agree either, perhaps it’s simply a prelude to saying goodbye to the family.

ZoeCM · 28/10/2023 20:18

If a woman posted on here that her husband wanted to go travelling for nine weeks and leave her to look after the kids, I guarantee no one would call her a wet lettuce for objecting! Nor would anyone praise her husband for "modelling independent travel and a spirit of adventure", FFS!

EarlGreywithLemon · 28/10/2023 20:33

Yes, you are abandoning them. Sorry. My mother did similar - for longer, but for work, not for fun- when I was 12. I haven’t forgiven her, and it’s had a life long effect on me. At least your husband has sounded the alarm. My father went along with it merrily without giving a second thought to how it would affect me, and I haven’t forgotten that either.

It’s a very sensitive age, and I really needed my parents to be there to care for me and support me. I felt adrift, unmoored, uncared for.

The fear of abandonment never really left me. I still vividly remember the feeling in the run up up to her leaving of seeing something awful coming towards me, which I was dreading, but was powerless to stop. It had that feeling again when other people left at other times, and I was often clingy and insecure in relationships.

I would never ever ever do that to my children. I chose to have them, and I feel I made a commitment that as long as I’m physically able, I am there for them. That is literally my job as a parent. And I feel the same way about parents of either sex by the way. “Men would do this in a heartbeat” doesn’t wash with me. Not a man I’d ever want anything to do with.

Emotionalsupportviper · 28/10/2023 20:40

CowboyJoanna · 28/10/2023 18:02

Lets be honest though...if DH was going off for 9 weeks on a fishing trip you lot would all be feeding him to the lions.

How is this any different?

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Because a DH generally does well less than half the "lifework" even when he wife works full time.

The vast percentage of men come home from work in the evening and then they're on their holidays until the following morning - and at weekends, their hobbies most often take priority over everything else.

This is OP's chance to take a break. Wy shouldn't she grab it?

Odds are that any gaps in childcare and housework will be filled by grandmas and aunties anyway. People always seem to think that men can't even look after themselves for a weekend, let alone look after children for any length of time. There's almost always someone there to iron shirts and provide casseroles etc so that the Man Time can still be for the Man.

But OP apparently has decided not to go, so it's academic anyway.

CurlewKate · 28/10/2023 20:47

This calls for a family meeting. Men are frequently away for 9 weeks or longer so why shouldn't you? Kids in boarding school are often away from home for 9 weeks. But everyone needs to be on board. Don't be emotionally blackmailed or bullied. Go for it!

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 28/10/2023 20:54

MrsKnows · 28/10/2023 20:02

It’s fine to leave your children if you don’t mind what impact it will have. Mummy ‘being there’ matters to a lot of children. Feeling safe matters. If Daddy doesn’t agree either, perhaps it’s simply a prelude to saying goodbye to the family.

I doubt they're still calling their parents Mummy and Daddy at 11 and 13.

crumblingschools · 28/10/2023 20:54

Men don’t often go on holiday for 9 weeks, it is usually work related and usually that sort of work commitment would be agreed between partners or would be in place when couple get together

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 28/10/2023 20:56

Men don’t often go on holiday for 9 weeks

But a lot of them get more rest/leisure time than women on a day-to-day basis.

Cornishclio · 28/10/2023 21:04

I love travelling but cannot imagine doing it while my children were that age. Why can you not wait until they are older rather than such a crucial point in their lives. 11 and 13 are still really young. I don't have an issue with you going travelling without your husband if he doesn't want to go but it seems to me delaying it 7 or 8 years until the children are adults would be a better idea. Also how will resigning your job and leaving the financial burden of raising a family to your husband impact on all of your lives? Why the rush?

peenaction · 28/10/2023 22:29

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 28/10/2023 20:54

I doubt they're still calling their parents Mummy and Daddy at 11 and 13.

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Mine still call us Mummy and Daddy and they are all between 19 and 22.

peenaction · 28/10/2023 22:33

TomatoSandwiches · 28/10/2023 16:49

The answer to that question remains in the rest of the post that you quoted me from. HTH.

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You can get lost with your snarky "HTH".

I remember the thread you referred to, and most people said that the husband was a selfish bellend.

This has nothing to do with having a vagina (or a penis) and everything to do with being a selfish individual who puts their own needs before the family they chose to have.

Again, though, the OP isn't going, and the very fact that she was wondering whether she should would tend to suggest that she knew it was a bad idea in the first place.

HTH with knobs on.

MrsSkylerWhite · 28/10/2023 22:37

They have a dad...
**
And if they miss mum, they can call/message her. At that age the childten are at school/parents at work so the amount of hours you spend together each day isn't many anywaY”

Rubbish. “If” they miss mum? You expect young children to be happy with “messages”?

Do you have children?

DinaofCloud9 · 28/10/2023 22:57

No I think 9 weeks is too long for children in years 7 and 8. And I d say the same if the DH wanted to go away for this long too.

Mummy08m · 28/10/2023 22:59

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 28/10/2023 20:56

Men don’t often go on holiday for 9 weeks

But a lot of them get more rest/leisure time than women on a day-to-day basis.

Two wrongs don't make a right. If one's husband doesn't do enough on a day to day basis, that's an issue that needs fixing. There could be different ways of dealing with that, from simply talking to him about it, going out regularly to leave him to it several hours a week, ranging all the way to the nuclear option LTB.

Not pissing off for 9 weeks.

notahappybunny7 · 28/10/2023 23:11

Catherineisgreat · 28/10/2023 19:13

I can’t believe the majority of responses on this thread. Such, judgement, anger, bitterness being thrown at the OP. And yes I have RTFT. I lost count of how many pp called the OP selfish, then there was the possibility of developing PTSD and a personality disorder! Just shows what happens to women who step out of the lines of social conformity. Such a total lack of understanding and empathy, that we are all different and have different needs. And no, I don’t think you have to place this all on hold until they go to uni.

So many posters saying “but why not take them?” Isn’t the point to get away and be an individual for a while? So many accusations of being selfish. The origins of the word selfish, mean “caring for the self”. I have been a therapist for 20 years and support my clients in developing their ability to care for themselves.

A child with a secure attachment to their parent is unlikely to be psychologically damaged by this break, if it is well managed and there is regular contact whilst away. As a caveat, no one can be entirely sure how a family will respond to a separation, so there is an element of risk. Most likely to the marriage, if one or other of the partners decides they prefer solo life. But if the OP really wants/needs this, there are risks to the marriage of not doing it. Consensus is important.

It has been interesting to see the lines drawn around what is acceptable (according to some PP), for a mother to do, such as, it’s ok to go for a spa weekend, maybe a week in Spain, weekend breaks with children, but not spouse. But don’t dare step out of the lines of social conformity, or the vipers will attack.

Parenting is all consuming these days. I work full time and spend my weekends running my 12 year around social activities, as do all the parents I know. It wasn’t like this for my mother in the the seventies and eighties. I occupied myself, as did all my friends. So no my mother didn’t “fuck off for 9 weeks”, but parenting was nothing like it is now.

More parents should take a break but particularly mothers who often hold the responsibility of wife work for decades sometimes.

I know OP has said, she isn’t going and was patronisingly told “well done”.

OP, I hope you reconsider and care for the self!

If you’re actually a therapist you sound crap. This lady couldn’t give 2 fucks about her kids, she would not consider this if she did. What are you going to say, as a “therapist “ when her kids are coming to you in a few years? It’s as clear as day op’s kids are low down her list.

notahappybunny7 · 28/10/2023 23:14

CurlewKate · 28/10/2023 20:47

This calls for a family meeting. Men are frequently away for 9 weeks or longer so why shouldn't you? Kids in boarding school are often away from home for 9 weeks. But everyone needs to be on board. Don't be emotionally blackmailed or bullied. Go for it!

Kids in boarding school are fucked up massively. What’s your point?

MrsSkylerWhite · 28/10/2023 23:16

shutupyoutart

This! You articulated so much what I was thinking. So sick of women being called selfish for daring to have dreams and wants outside of being a parent, op doesn't deserve the pile on she got, sadly don't think she will return to the thread

Part of being a parent means putting your dreams and wants aside until your children are relatively independent. OP’s children aren’t yet. She can travel in a few years, when they are.