Am I abandoning my children by going away?

[TravelBugMum]

Hi. I have just resigned from my job of 20 years and finally have an opportunity to fulfil my desire to travel.
My children are both now settled in secondary school, years 7 & 8, ages 11 and 13.
I want to travel by myself for 2 months (9 weeks) as you can't take this amount of time off while you are working.
My husband of 14 years will be at home with the kids. But he is not happy & says I will be "psychologically damaging them for the rest of their lives if I go away for 9 weeks and abandoning them" . He is just about OK with 4 weeks away, but I don't feel this is long enough for Australia and New Zealand ( which he has no desire to visit.). We are working on a compromise...
What is the risk of me hurting my children by doing this?
i have talked to them both to explain why i want to go, but understand it is difficult for them to be honest with me. They dont want to upset me by telling me not to go.
Has any other mum done this?
Am I being " selfish and not a good mum" by wanting to go?
How can I reduce the risk of my children feeling abandoned ?
Please help.

Nope, nope and nope. I also think it’s inconsiderate when people ‘work away’ for long periods of time when they have a family too. Surely you can find a suitable job where your family reside?

Waiting until they’re slightly older is much more reasonable imo

Dp left to go abroad for 5 weeks when dc were 8 and 6. I'm the primary carer but they're close to him, snd weren't 'psychologically damaged' in the least.

He may have other reasons you shouldn't go - finances, impact on his work if sole carer - but impact on the dc shouldn't be a big reason.

I think it’s massively selfish and a really odd thing to want to do.

Put yourself first when your children are grown.

absolutely selfish - would you Op be ok if your DH announced he is going off for a lovely holiday on his own ?
will it irreversibly damage your children - no i don't think so...but only you know your children.

this is not about a amazing job that gives benefits back to the whole family etc ..it is about you wanting to do something completely for just you - and why most parents can understand that feeling , you chose to have children, you have to give up your desires/wants/etc for their child hood ( not completely but mostly) as the natural order of things is you do what is best for the children not what is best for you and the the rest of family can be dammed.

you have options - settle for shorter amounts of time away to assuage your travel lust and your desire for time alone. or do a trip with the kids in the summer holidays, if DH does not want to come, go alone with the kids - they are not toddlers, they could really enjoy interrailing round europe to travelling to australia or you just wait and another 5-6 yrs and your will be much freer to go away and indulge yourself

i was also interested ( not read whole thread) in how this i sbeing paid for ? are you using your own money ? is DH going to get the same 9 weeks and money to spend on something utterly selfish for himself ?

Taking a few weeks to fulfil a dream and come back a rested, more rounded individual is not "swanning off". Earning money isn't the only thing in life - spiritual and emotional fulfilment are important, too. OP is fortunate enough to get this chance - it may never come again.

Her children aren't being abandoned to be eaten by wolves - they have a father who is perfectly capable of taking care of them and the entire family can participate in her opportunity to see the world when she sends them pictures and relates the tales of her adventures. They can follow her journey on a map, look up the sors of food she will be eating etc.

They will also learn exactly how much she does for them (a LOT) - her husband will probably get a shock, too, at how much they all take OP's contribution to the home for granted.

As long as they know that she loves them, they'll be fine.

OP has already said she is not going, so we can stop calling her "selfish."

I personally couldn’t leave my kids that length of time. I was the main carer my ex husband worked away a few times , long weekends away at festivals. Probably how after we divorced he didn’t bother seeing them for years .

I think if this was a father asking this, the replies would be different .

Question is Do you WANT to be away from your kds for 9 weeks? I have to travel for work and any more than two nights away is horrendous for me. I can not possibly imagine wanting to be away from my children for 9 weeks.

I think its incredibly selfish.

But that's you. At this age, I was able to happily be away from my kids for longer than 2 nights. Wasn't the least bit horrendous for me.

This 1000%.

And as for all the 'personally I love my kids and could never...' type responses, that's really offensive towards people who happen to do things a different way, to suggest they don't love their DC enough. Who are you to make that judgement?

Has it ever occurred to some pps that by the time kids are hitting the pre-teen and early teen years they might not actually want as close a parent-child involvement as some pps seem to be predicating?

You never know, if OP does go, in years to come her DC might look back on it as a time when they were given a bit of space and freedom to grow into themselves and learn a few life skills. SEN and MH issues aside, it's very unlikely to be damaging for them to have the concept instilled that their mother is a person in her own right, not just 'Mum'.

Not gonna lie. If my DH declared he wanted to do this, I wouldn't even be generous enough to say go for 4 weeks. You have children. They're not even teens. They're still CHILDREN. Wait a few years and go when they can have some epic parties whilst you're away.

Lets be honest though...if DH was going off for 9 weeks on a fishing trip you lot would all be feeding him to the lions.

How is this any different?

I wouldn't, as long as I could also go away for that same time, and if all the logistics could be worked out. We have both had breaks of 2 weeks at this age, though not for 9 weeks. Might have stretched to 4 weeks if we had enough leave.

Good move 👍🏻

Work placement, when you either don't have a choice or are making money for the family? Totally different proposition.

If my partner told me I had to parent solo for 2 months (having to work out logistics of children's schools and activities, possibly at the expense of my own working arrangements) whilst they spent family money backpacking? I'd laugh first and then tell them to fuck off.

There's also the fact that you would be literally the other side of the world, with a tiny timezone slot to actually communicate with your kids... so yes, selfish.

Unbelievably selfish. It's only a few years until they're adults. Why do you have to bugger off on your own anyway? I wouldn't want to travel without my husband and family.

Go for it OP. Women never put themselves first and barring any SEN, your DC will not crumble without you. Would they crumble without your DH there for 9 weeks ? Unlikely, and the same applies to 9 weeks without you. Ignore the blatant sexism on this thread

She might be able to travel independently shock horror . Many of us little ladies are capable of this in 2023.

@Cheesecakefiend don't be ridiculous it's not about her travelling on her own. It's also not about sexism. I'd be pretty annoyed if my DH suggested buggering off on a holiday for 2 months without me and DS.

Oddly enough, some of us love to bugger off on our own. What you like is irrelevant. Can't imagine only travelling with my family for the rest of my life.

There's no sexism. If a woman posted on here that her husband was considering this, the overwhelming opinion would be that he's unreasonable.

Maybe you need a more secure relationship then. A one off, 9 week period of Independence, once every 11 years seems reasonable to me

Yes @Comedycook but hopefully nobody would ask him why he wanted to go away on his own and then add how much they loved their own children.

Yes, no one would call him a monster and question his love for his family.

OP, once you have finished flagellating yourself, you should go for at least 3 weeks rather than scrap the whole idea.