Am I abandoning my children by going away?

[TravelBugMum]

Hi. I have just resigned from my job of 20 years and finally have an opportunity to fulfil my desire to travel.
My children are both now settled in secondary school, years 7 & 8, ages 11 and 13.
I want to travel by myself for 2 months (9 weeks) as you can't take this amount of time off while you are working.
My husband of 14 years will be at home with the kids. But he is not happy & says I will be "psychologically damaging them for the rest of their lives if I go away for 9 weeks and abandoning them" . He is just about OK with 4 weeks away, but I don't feel this is long enough for Australia and New Zealand ( which he has no desire to visit.). We are working on a compromise...
What is the risk of me hurting my children by doing this?
i have talked to them both to explain why i want to go, but understand it is difficult for them to be honest with me. They dont want to upset me by telling me not to go.
Has any other mum done this?
Am I being " selfish and not a good mum" by wanting to go?
How can I reduce the risk of my children feeling abandoned ?
Please help.

Poor kids. I don’t get the feeling op prioritises them very often.

You really cant compare a work trip to travelling for fun at ALL.

A work trip is for working, and bringing money in to the family. Its not just wanting to mooch around different countries by choice, checking out of your responsibilities. Selfish in the extreme IMO.

Gosh - my child drives me nuts but I couldn’t be away from him for 9 weeks! I did a long hen weekend for 5 nights and even found that hard.

@NalafromtheLionKing

why on earth wouldn’t you even go away for a weekend!?
surely you have over the years for hen dos and that kind of thing

@Lastchancechica

why?

How is it being a martyr to want to spend time with your family (both kids and husband)?

For example, it's not being a martyr to enjoy having regular sex with my dh. 9w without is a long dry spell.

I find it really sad that so many commenters on here seem to think that spending time with your family is a martyrish sacrifice.

Many years ago when I'd only been dating dh for a year or two (early 20s, not yet married), he took a post-uni gap year and travelled around Aus for about 6 weeks. No kids, no responsibility, no issue whatsoever. But after about 3w he was calling me for hours most days because he missed me, missed the intimacy and wished I could be there. He had the option to extend the trip but chose not to.

No martyrs involved. We just actually enjoy each other's company.

If your DH is not supportive then I honestly don't think it will be as great as you hope. He will resent you for a long time after.

I totally understand the desire to travel and have an adventure but 9 weeks is very long. Your kids are still quite young.

I have a year 7 and I can't imagine bring away from him that long.. but I would do a week or 10 days. I would probably be harsher in my response if you were a man TBH.

If there are any majority incidents with the kids while you're away eg injury, sickness, birthdays, friendship issues then that heightens the risk of them feeling abandoned. Also don't expect an 11 and 13 year old to understand a very adult desire to rediscover themselves or have some freedom. Or have alone time. Your reasons for going just won't make a lot of sense to them until they're older.

Why not go somewhere else for 2-3 weeks and save NZ for when they're older.

@Mummy08m

im sure she spends loads of time with her husband and kids

were talking 9 weeks amidst years and years of spending time home with the family

My mum and dad travelled for months at a time, sometimes they took my younger sibling, can’t say it’s caused me any harm. I stayed with my grandparents. If anything I think it taught me to be resilient and not reliant on my parents.

All those people being like -

oh op you have plenty of time for that

go travelling when kids are all grown up and leave home

blah blah

you do realise that none of us are guaranteed years and years of life. We could all die tomorrow. Hence you have to seize the day - OP right now has the perfect look she needs to take it

tomorrow is never guaranteed

Very selfish of you. Perfectly feasible for you and your husband to crack on with life, set some money aside and negotiate 1-2 months unpaid leave when the kids are adults and do all the travelling you want. Or if your husband is not interested, go without him and not shaft him with 2 months of solo parenting!

I think the kids would feel left out tbh

THIS!

Plenty of families have parents *(admittedly usually fathers) who work away for weeks and months at a time. There are women in the armed forces who are sent into war zones and have to leave their children for the duration of their tours of duty.

Their spouses and children manage perfectly well.

It s an opportunity for your DH to really bond with his children, and for your children to see that mothers have lives and dreams, too - and also that dad is perfectly capable if he makes the effort!

Your DH is being selfish.

Go. Have a great time, and you will have loads of stories to share when you come back.

I think your kids are too young for you to go away on holiday for so long - and I'd say the same about either parent, so it's not mum bashing. If you had to go - say to care for a sick relative - it wouldn't be ideal, but you wouldn't have a choice.

I'd go away solo for 2-3 weeks, and keep a bigger trip till they're finished school - Australia will still be there.

But that's different. They're going to work, to earn money.

OP wanted to swan off on a holiday and shirk her responsibilities of being a mum for 2 months.

From the OP, she has a window of opportunity between having resigned from her job now and presumably starting a new one. She wouldn’t be able to take 2 months leave in one go when she’s back working again so wouldn’t be able to do it next summer.

OP I assume you’re not planning to be away during the Christmas period?

So have you given two months notice to your job now and will be going in January onwards?

So you have a few months to prepare DC and do as much as you can to make it easier for DH to cope while you’re away. Can you arrange a cleaner to come in once a week? Teach the DC to prepare quick dinners and do their own washing? Bulk buy loo rolls, washing stuff and set up an online shop to be delivered weekly. Bills to be paid automatically (probably already are). I presume OP would be on hand to discuss any issues over video call, keep in regular contact and come back if there are any major issues. Relatives to be on hand if the DC need support with anything they don’t want to talk about with their Dad.

I really don’t think it’s a biggie at all if DC are on board, the cost isn’t a massive drain on finances, the DH is a decent Dad and is emotionally available for his DC which it sounds like he is if his only issue is the DC feeling abandoned (which they aren’t!). It’s good for DC to understand that their Mum isn’t the a part of the furniture and the household drudge and has dreams of her own.

I’d go for it OP!

Teenagers need you more than toddlers do. No way would I consider leaving them for 9 weeks, can't believe any mother would

Yeah screw DH, he just needs to keep working to pay for it all. Screw the kids, it's all their fault anyway. The only thing that matters is that op makes her own life as free from responsibility as she wants.

It isn't too long to leave them as other parents work away for longer. However, the purpose of this trip makes you unreasonable in my eyes. Working isn't a choice. Going on a massive long holiday alone is outrageous.
Maybe your DH doesn't fancy it but perhaps your children would like it in the future. You could go with them.
I'd not be impressed if my DH decided to do this at this stage in your life.

Seems very selfish to me, and I think that both your children and husband would be quite reasonable to resent you for this. Why not go away by yourself for a week or two (which would be more reasonable), and then take the whole family away for a couple of weeks in the Summer holidays? The cost alone of 9 weeks travelling would deter most people with children (assuming you're not millionaires).

Blimey op you are being given a really hard time on here and i doubt you will be back but just in case I will throw my 2cents worth in.I think you absolutely should go as long as everyone in the family is on board. just because you have kids doesn't mean you dont deserve to also do things for yourself.you don't know if/when you will get this opportunity again and I'm all for you only live once,having said that 9weeks is a long time and since the kids are still quite young and your husband isn't completely on board i think 4 weeks as a compromise is a good one. As mother's we are damned if we do and damned If we don't,it makes me very sad.we are just strangers on the internet we don't know you or your family and I feel it's unfair to judge someone as selfish based on a couple of paragraphs. You op are the only person that knows how this will really affect your children, make your decision based on that not on the opinion of everyone here. Best of luck to you x

Can I come with you? 😁

I think it's selfish, do I think it will damage them no.

I think you could hold off for a bit then when they are older go for longer.

Yes I think it’s monumentally selfish, and I’d say that whether you were a man or woman. If DH suggested this I’d think it was the start of a midlife crisis and potentially the end of our marriage. Honestly I think it’s sensible you’re not going.

I’m not sure why pp keep comparing this situation with families where one parent is in the military or works away for long periods of time. The kids in those cases are usually born into that dynamic and are well used to that parent being away. Indeed the forces put a lot of time and resources into helping families where one parent is deployed because they know it’s unsettling for the kids involved. Completely different to being 11 years old and your Mum or Dad going, “Need a break from you lot, see ya in two months”. PPs who think you can maintain a decent level of contact whilst you were away arent taking into consideration the crap time difference between the UK and OZ. No chance of a debrief with Mum after a crap day at school when it’s 2am where she is.

I realise the trigger for this is this gap in employment (incidentally I would be interested to hear how this trip would be funded on top of normal living costs) but plenty of companies now offer sabbaticals after a certain length of employment. It’s not necessarily now or never as some have suggested.

Providing it’s well planned, it’s not going to damage your children unless someone is whispering in their ears that it’s a sign you don’t love them or something.

But it does sound like it might damage your marriage and a damaged marriage might damage your children.

Whether your marriage is worth protecting is not something we can answer here. You’ve always wanted to travel and your DH hasn’t. One would hope a good marriage wouldn’t mean you’ve have to give up on that dream entirely, but that doesn’t mean 9 weeks “off” is a reasonable ask right now that is fair on your husband.