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Original poster

Am I abandoning my children by going away?

577 replies

TravelBugMum · 28/10/2023 12:40

Hi. I have just resigned from my job of 20 years and finally have an opportunity to fulfil my desire to travel.
My children are both now settled in secondary school, years 7 & 8, ages 11 and 13.
I want to travel by myself for 2 months (9 weeks) as you can't take this amount of time off while you are working.
My husband of 14 years will be at home with the kids. But he is not happy & says I will be "psychologically damaging them for the rest of their lives if I go away for 9 weeks and abandoning them" . He is just about OK with 4 weeks away, but I don't feel this is long enough for Australia and New Zealand ( which he has no desire to visit.). We are working on a compromise...
What is the risk of me hurting my children by doing this?
i have talked to them both to explain why i want to go, but understand it is difficult for them to be honest with me. They dont want to upset me by telling me not to go.
Has any other mum done this?
Am I being " selfish and not a good mum" by wanting to go?
How can I reduce the risk of my children feeling abandoned ?
Please help.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 28/10/2023 16:25

pinkyredrose · 28/10/2023 16:20

Yep

Show quote history

Tbf neither would I if she quit his job and swanned off to Aus for two months cos he ft like it.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/10/2023 16:27

Zanatdy · 28/10/2023 16:11

My ex went to work in Asia for 3yrs and no-one said he was selfish. Go, they will be fine

Well I would judge any parent who chose to work abroad for that length of time and didn't see his kids. But even I can see there's a difference between went to work and quit work to go on a holiday

MikeRafone · 28/10/2023 16:28

If your leave your children with a responsible adult, why would you be damaging them? Are your dc not well adjusted young people?

parents travel all the tie and have tie away from home for all manner of reasons and children are left with the other parent or even grandparents.

As for your motive for going away and it being selfish, you've asked on a mums message board, it'd be considered selfish for either parent to go and explore whilst raising children. Its not what parents do, Im of the mind that its best people live their lives and get on - but if its going to cause a rift with your dp then id think carefully about doing the trip

Rubyupbeat · 28/10/2023 16:30

My boys were 12 and 14 when I spent 3 weeks on the Mercy ship in 3 different African countries. I thought it would be ok, but I missed them so much and they were the same, not sure if hubby missed me, Lol. I would have waited until they were in uni if I was in that situation again.

peenaction · 28/10/2023 16:33

I absolutely think she is being unfairly judged because she has a vagina

So you think that if a man came on here suggesting the same thing, everyone would say "ooh yes, great idea", just because he has a penis?

Anyway, OP isn't going now.

NalafromtheLionKing · 28/10/2023 16:34

Yes, incredibly selfish and irresponsible. To do this wouldn’t even cross my mind (I wouldn’t even want to go away for a weekend without mine). Save it for when they have grown up and left home!

Lastchancechica · 28/10/2023 16:35

Why would you leave your kids at home??All go together in the Christmas holidays.
I wouldn’t deprive my dc of such a wonderful opportunity in a million years,

vickylou78 · 28/10/2023 16:36

If this was my husband leaving for 9 weeks to go on holiday and leave me with a 11 and 13 year old I would be absolutely furious!!! I'd feel so resentful of the time and the money being spent. Don't understand why you couldn't wait till the kids are adults and at uni etc. I'd feel bad just leaving my husband for two weeks!

Lastchancechica · 28/10/2023 16:38

I would divorce my dh if he pulled a stunt like this tbf! Not a chance would I agree to him swanning off for 9 weeks 😂

Aydel · 28/10/2023 16:41

I moved to France for a job in the September. The children were 9 and 11. They and DH joined me just before Christmas. They couldn’t come sooner because of DH’s job and schools. They came out for part of half term. I got back for a couple of weekends. They were fine. DH dealt with it all, and, you know, parented the DC as he is their parent too. Yes, it was lovely when we got back together, but we spoke every day.

tolerable · 28/10/2023 16:42

DH/daddy says he can not prevent psychological harm for any more than 4 weeks.
take 4 weeks. (hes a star!)
are your kids portable? teach them the love of travel? Is such a positive cos you can get them to earn(poket money chores) (save- wot they earn)no matter how shit a day gets-you have a wee dangly carrot to aim for. then ALL the positives when box tick goals.
forget the selfish/bad mum crapola. do what you can n reframe it-(into postcards)

Lastchancechica · 28/10/2023 16:45

I can’t imagine how much crap is coming your way when they are teenagers and are in therapy! Start saving now!

BerriesNutsConkers · 28/10/2023 16:46

You are being very selfish wanting to travel for 9 weeks especially as your dh does not support your decision. Parents just don't get to walk away from their children to do what they want, it's a choice we make when we become parents.
There is a huge difference between taking a bit of time for yourself and going away for 9 weeks........I don't believe parents need to be martyrs to their children and if your husband was 100% behind you I would say go for it but he isn't.

shardash · 28/10/2023 16:48

TravelBugMum · 28/10/2023 13:05

Thanks to everyone. Yes too selfish. I will think again when the children are older.

I've been quite surprised by a lot of the comments, to be honest, and I for one don't think it would be selfish for you to do this. People go away for long periods and leave their dc in the care of their other parent all the time. Most of them go for work, but there is never any suggestion that their children are permanently psychologically damaged by one parent being absent for any length of time.

My suspicion is that your DH resents the idea of being left in charge and having to do all the Wifework.

TomatoSandwiches · 28/10/2023 16:49

peenaction · 28/10/2023 16:33

I absolutely think she is being unfairly judged because she has a vagina

So you think that if a man came on here suggesting the same thing, everyone would say "ooh yes, great idea", just because he has a penis?

Anyway, OP isn't going now.

The answer to that question remains in the rest of the post that you quoted me from. HTH.

Toloveandtowork · 28/10/2023 16:51

The people who are saying to take the kids don't get it that some mothers would like a break from their children. And I for one think mothers should take breaks and make it a priority if they want to.

ApiratesaysYarrr · 28/10/2023 16:51

Disturbia81 · 28/10/2023 12:49

I wouldn't do it myself.

Just wondering the difference though between that and dads who work away!? They are still absent and that's what the kids think about.

A parent working away will at least be able to explain that while they didn't want to work away, their job demanded it. that's very different from "I'm going for some me time, to do fun stuff and not taking you with me, for weeks on end"

tabulaisrasa · 28/10/2023 16:52

I don't know why people are so upset about this; what about families with parents in the military, who don't know when they'll see them again while they're away? Those kids cope somehow.

For me, it's more about the fact you're in a partnership with joint responsibility for raising the kids, and your partner's not OK with it. You kind of need sign off on this.

Is there no way you could amend the adventure, eg take the kids with you for 4 weeks or just go for a shorter trip? 9 weeks is a long time when you're travelling.

Missedmytoe · 28/10/2023 16:52

Are your husband and children able to join you for any part of the time you're away? So you can holiday as a family?

I think if it was the case that the husband was asking about being away, in the army or worked on an oil rig or something that took him away from home for long stints, the reactions would be less horrified.

Ideally, yes, perhaps it would be better if the children were older, but right now you (presumably) have your health, the money and the opportunity.

Lastchancechica · 28/10/2023 16:54

shardash · 28/10/2023 16:48

I've been quite surprised by a lot of the comments, to be honest, and I for one don't think it would be selfish for you to do this. People go away for long periods and leave their dc in the care of their other parent all the time. Most of them go for work, but there is never any suggestion that their children are permanently psychologically damaged by one parent being absent for any length of time.

My suspicion is that your DH resents the idea of being left in charge and having to do all the Wifework.

Show quote history

If you have to work away and have no choice to survive that is one thing but this is a choice! Most people love their kids and would miss them too much.

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 28/10/2023 16:54

Your selfish. Don’t be surprised if you have to bike a lot of relationships back up on your return.

Ponderingwindow · 28/10/2023 16:54

There are compelling reasons for parents to be away from their children for extended periods of time. Things that come to mind are military service, severe illness, or extraordinary economic hardship.

Wanting to go on extended holiday is not a reason to remove yourself from your children’s lives. A brief break can revitalize your focus, but months are unnecessary.

Freeloadingcocklodger · 28/10/2023 16:55

WeighDownOnMe · 28/10/2023 12:46

I have kids that age and I'm pretty laissez faire, but I wouldn't leave my husband to look after everything alone for 9 weeks. No way.

It just wouldn't feel fair although he is very capable and by his nature tends to support all my madcap ideas.

Same, I wouldnt be happy if he wanted to do this either. Its selfish.

CloudyAgain · 28/10/2023 16:55

I've only read the OP. (guilty of not reading the fucking thread).

I have a 13 year old and 11 year old. My older one has significant SEN.

DH and I both work full time.

DH's job, since before either of them were born takes him away for 3 months - 12 weeks every single summer. He does not come home even once in that time.

No-one has ever said how awful thatn is, or how he might be damaging his children. No-one has ever said how amazing I am to keep the home fires burning.

I am going away for 3 weeks next tuesday because a family member is at end if life care on another continent.

Everyone is rallying around to say - should I be away for so long? Am i sure? Do i have to go right now? can i wait a bit because of the boys? Please let DH know that if needs extra hands they can be on hand. can they help him/ Should they give him a rest by taking the Dcs out for dinner one night?

This has never ever ever even once been offered to me.

The standards are different for mothers and fathers. OP- if your DH cannot step up for you, then I would be asking myself what sort of partner he is.

TheaBrandt · 28/10/2023 16:55

Could you go on a 3 week summer holiday then you keep travelling on your own for 3 weeks? Sort of middle ground? I went away for one week on a girls trip got covid on way home and was then in bed for 2 weeks so Dh basically did everything for 3 weeks. That felt like just about the limit for one person.

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