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Original poster

Am I abandoning my children by going away?

577 replies

TravelBugMum · 28/10/2023 12:40

Hi. I have just resigned from my job of 20 years and finally have an opportunity to fulfil my desire to travel.
My children are both now settled in secondary school, years 7 & 8, ages 11 and 13.
I want to travel by myself for 2 months (9 weeks) as you can't take this amount of time off while you are working.
My husband of 14 years will be at home with the kids. But he is not happy & says I will be "psychologically damaging them for the rest of their lives if I go away for 9 weeks and abandoning them" . He is just about OK with 4 weeks away, but I don't feel this is long enough for Australia and New Zealand ( which he has no desire to visit.). We are working on a compromise...
What is the risk of me hurting my children by doing this?
i have talked to them both to explain why i want to go, but understand it is difficult for them to be honest with me. They dont want to upset me by telling me not to go.
Has any other mum done this?
Am I being " selfish and not a good mum" by wanting to go?
How can I reduce the risk of my children feeling abandoned ?
Please help.

OP posts:
Theokaycokey · 28/10/2023 15:58

It would be very selfish to do that. 9 weeks is a long time for a child (and your husband stuck doing all the running around). Also, that's a lot of money to spend just on you. Why not go travelling with your kids and either pull them from school for a few weeks or take them next summer and all go to Australia or go back packing around Europe with them.

beeswaxinc · 28/10/2023 15:58

Just to get a little more intimate here, I know a parent who prioritises themselves over their DC including taking lots of trips without the DC (without making it up to them).

Yes there are many other failings but it was a knife in the heart to these kids and they are extremely poorly adjusted individuals due to this kind of behaviour.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/10/2023 15:59

Lovemusic82 · 28/10/2023 15:35

I don’t see the issue, if it was the other way round and your dh was going away I think people’s reaction would be different. Many military families have parents that go away for months and they just get on with it, why is this any different?

I don’t think I would have minded at the age of 12/13 if my mum had gone away on an adventure. My dad would often work aways for 4 weeks in France and we barely noticed he was gone. At that age they don’t need a huge level of care and I’m sure their father could cope just as a single parent copes.

You think
"DH quit his job and now wants to go alone to Aus for 9 weeks whilst I juggle work and our two tween/teens"
Would he met with "oh let him" ???

CuriositysCat · 28/10/2023 15:59

YABVU. Totally different from working away. Your family should be your number one priority.

Fusterclucked · 28/10/2023 16:00

It’s a bit long but it’s probably fine, there’s FaceTime etc. and if it’s awful just come home!

independentdreams · 28/10/2023 16:00

Well, yes, it's sort of selfish but it's not like you're leaving your kids locked up in a cupboard whilst you're away. Their Dad is there, you can speak to them and face time them every day. You should come back happier with interesting tales. Who knows if you'll get this chance again? The only compromise might be the length of time - if 9 weeks is too long then consider 6 or 7 maybe. You can still see a lot in that time but will have to plan a tight itinerary.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/10/2023 16:01

Cordeliathecat · 28/10/2023 14:50

I just asked my 13 and 14 year old what they would think if I did it and they both barely looked up from their phones to say they wouldn’t care. My 14 year old did ask a follow up question of “would you leave me plenty of money to go shopping as daddy is stingy?”

Do it! Of course your kids won’t be psychologically damaged. It’s ok to be selfish once in a while.

And you'd be ok with your DH quitting work and swanning off on an expensive jolly for two months whilst you dealt with it all?
Plus the hypothetical response of your child means nothing compared to the RL response of OPs children.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/10/2023 16:03

Pertangyangkipperbang · 28/10/2023 15:45

Gosh you simply cannot leave your children for 9 days never mind nine weeks.
People saying their Dad was in the forces etc and was away isn't the same... they got used it.. your children are not used to it.. it will be a big shock.. it's not like you're ill in hospital or in prison.. it's for selfish reasons.. Will you not miss them? Won't you feel guilty?
I think it's dam right nasty.

How long can she go away for without the kids, out of interest, assuming it's for fun not work.

Octavia64 · 28/10/2023 16:03

You will not psychologically damage your children.

However, you do not need two months to do aus/NZ

I have family out there and three to four weeks is perfectly reasonable.

Depending on how the jet lag gets you, two weeks is doable but tough.

TomatoSandwiches · 28/10/2023 16:07

Adrieeeeenne · 28/10/2023 15:42

I can only imagine the MN response if your husband wanted to do it. Woah he’d be in for it!

People are calling op a monster, women, sorry, mothers are judged far more harshly than men even if they are also judged in simular situations.

There was a post not ao long ago where the husband was always away in the military but also wanted to do long excursions for high adrenaline activities meaning he was away from the home for even longer periods.

He was judged negatively but not to the point of being called a monster and a good lot of people where saying the OP should just accept that as he she married him knowing he did these things as a hobby before children.

This is a one off opportunity for op to fulfil, special circumstances.
I don't agree with 9 weeks but I absolutely think she is being unfairly judged because she has a vagina.

JustMoved123 · 28/10/2023 16:08

Totally selfish attitude, sorry but your chance to do this is in another 10 years, you made a decision to have children and that is your main responsibility, they will feel you cared about travel more than them and your DH will feel abandoned to deal with everything in your absence.

Zanatdy · 28/10/2023 16:11

My ex went to work in Asia for 3yrs and no-one said he was selfish. Go, they will be fine

AmazingSnakeHead · 28/10/2023 16:11

Why not take them?

Lordofmyflies · 28/10/2023 16:11

I'd suggest doing a family holiday to Oz for 3 weeks in the summer, then you continuing onto N Zealand for 3 weeks? Would that compromise work? But no, I couldn't leave my kids that age for so long and I wouldn't want to put the burden on my DH either.

MrsRandom123 · 28/10/2023 16:15

As you asked then yes, i think you are being very selfish

miserablebitch · 28/10/2023 16:17

Necadalooshi · 28/10/2023 12:47

I think it is totally fine, my Dad worked away a lot when I was young, we knew he loved and cared for us. I think the longest he was gone was a 5 week stint but we knew he was coming back and we were always with our Mum.

Because you want to visit NZ and Aus it makes sense to spend a lot of time there, you will miss them and they will miss you, it isn't a bad thing though. With the wonderful internet you can face time and send messages. My Dad had to fax us and it used to cost a lot back then.

Your Dh just doesn't want the responsibilit of sole parenting but I am going to assume he was happy to leave you every day to go to work whilst you were on maternity leave. And to be fair babies are much harder than your children's ages. Go, have a wonderful time.

“he was happy to leave you every day to go to work whilst you were on maternity leave”

FFS, that is completely different from what @TravelBugMum is now suggesting! If you can’t see that, you must be pretty irresponsible yourself.

The OP’s dh obviously had to work, to earn money to look after his family, plus he would come home every night. That’s what any responsible parent would do.

The OP wants to bugger off for 9 weeks and live the role of a single person again, while her children are left behind. A lot of us would love to do this, but when you decide to have children, they must come first. OP’s dh would be okay if she went for 4 weeks, which is more than reasonable.

The OP needs to give her head a wobble and think about what the priorities in her life should be, which is not pretending she is young free and single again, but that she is a mother (and a wife) and she should act accordingly. I do think it would be unfair and damaging to her DCs, who would struggle to understand why their dm is happy to just up sticks and leave them for such a long period of time.

Adrieeeeenne · 28/10/2023 16:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

pinkyredrose · 28/10/2023 16:20

MamaGhina · 28/10/2023 12:44

psychologically damaging them for the rest of their lives if I go away for 9 weeks and abandoning them huge overreaction, he just doesn’t want to be left to do the parenting alone for 9 weeks.

Yep

Adrieeeeenne · 28/10/2023 16:20

TomatoSandwiches · 28/10/2023 16:07

People are calling op a monster, women, sorry, mothers are judged far more harshly than men even if they are also judged in simular situations.

There was a post not ao long ago where the husband was always away in the military but also wanted to do long excursions for high adrenaline activities meaning he was away from the home for even longer periods.

He was judged negatively but not to the point of being called a monster and a good lot of people where saying the OP should just accept that as he she married him knowing he did these things as a hobby before children.

This is a one off opportunity for op to fulfil, special circumstances.
I don't agree with 9 weeks but I absolutely think she is being unfairly judged because she has a vagina.

Show quote history

I totally hear what you’re saying, I do. I’m no fan of the assumption that mothers are fundamentally more committed to their kids than fathers, and that it’s far more horrendous for women to consider spending any time away from parenting than men. But i think it’s really common on MN for people to assume women are paragons of virtue who should get their due respect (and in this example, go on a huge holiday) whilst men are feckless numbnuts who need putting in their place in the modern world. It’s about a partnership - if either person, regardless of gender, chose to treat themselves to a 9 week personal adventure (and who wouldn’t want to do that?!) it’s a massive two fingers to the fundamentals of running a family.

ittakes2 · 28/10/2023 16:21

why not do 2 x 4 weeks and spilt the trip?

Bouncyball23 · 28/10/2023 16:22

You made a decision to become a parent so now you parent. Go do your travelling when the children are older.

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 28/10/2023 16:23

Wow. This thread has brought the mummy martyrs out in spades. (The reason that phrase gets bandied around btw is because people really do act like it on these threads. And as for the accusations of misogyny, it's far more misogynistic in my book to judge women for not sacrificing body and soul to superglue themselves to their children's sides until they hit 18.)

I would not have been remotely 'psychologically damaged' if either of my parents had gone away for that length of time when I was that age. Obviously it depends on OP's kids and how they process things, but let's assume she knows them better than the strangers of Mumsnet and is able to make a realistic evaluation of whether they'd cope, or would that get too much in the way of all the judgey fun?

It's as though once someone becomes a mum they're not allowed to be anything else. Who knows, it might even be a positive thing for the kids to realise mum is allowed a life too. Some people really need to get a grip.

OlderwiderpodcastFan · 28/10/2023 16:24

At 1pm today the OP posted she wasn’t going and would leave it a decade fyi

OlderwiderpodcastFan · 28/10/2023 16:24

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 28/10/2023 16:23

Wow. This thread has brought the mummy martyrs out in spades. (The reason that phrase gets bandied around btw is because people really do act like it on these threads. And as for the accusations of misogyny, it's far more misogynistic in my book to judge women for not sacrificing body and soul to superglue themselves to their children's sides until they hit 18.)

I would not have been remotely 'psychologically damaged' if either of my parents had gone away for that length of time when I was that age. Obviously it depends on OP's kids and how they process things, but let's assume she knows them better than the strangers of Mumsnet and is able to make a realistic evaluation of whether they'd cope, or would that get too much in the way of all the judgey fun?

It's as though once someone becomes a mum they're not allowed to be anything else. Who knows, it might even be a positive thing for the kids to realise mum is allowed a life too. Some people really need to get a grip.

Best post on here !

HMW1906 · 28/10/2023 16:25

Can you find a temporary job in the meantime and plan your trip for the 6 weeks holidays and take them with you, it would be an amazing opportunity for them to travel too, you could potentially take them out of school a week or 2 early and stretch the trip to 7/8 weeks. That’s what I’d do.