Grandson was lost

[Thistlelass]

Just returned from a family holiday abroad which included 3 grandparents. Two children in the party, currently age 5 and 6. My son is the father and was with his wife. I have marked mental illness and do experience ongoing anxiety.

So one evening we were all enroute to the children's entertainment area. The Hotel was a large one and there was also entertainment going on in the grounds that night, including fireworks.
Let's cut a long story short. The 5 year old boy went missing. Now this was not for long but the what ifs just horrify me.
So I wonder what the views of other parents might be.

I can’t believe that you never lost your Ds ever.

Only time I ever "lost" a child it was because MIL had grabbed child when rest of us were in loo or paying and taken them off somewhere without saying anything to anyone else usually with her phone switched off.

That's partly temperament of the children and partly training from young age - reins used, insisting on hand holding or holding pushchair constantly reinforced from young age as one adult three young children no car - to go anywhere they needed to stick close to me - and I was better out the house.

If OP always been anxious - her "normal" was probably very high awareness of where her kids were and insisting they stay close. So this is probably just a reaction to a very different style of parenting and comfort with risk ( low though any risk was)

How did he get lost if you were watching him so diligently? No-one loses their child on purpose but they are small and super fast and every parent gets distracted momentarily occasionally so these things do happen and throwing blame helps no one.

I lost 18 month old Ds in Primark once. One moment he was about 10ft infront of me and I had my eyes on him and then he turned at the end of the aisle, I followed him round the corner and he wasn’t their.

Shouted his name, alerted security and they brought down the shutter in the store.Some one found him wandering around a different part of the store saying “Mummy Mummy where are you mummy”

Apparently he had hidden in a clothing rail ready to jump out at me but then got distracted and then got bored so set off to find me

He has ADHD so distractions and boredom can happen in seconds

Kids do this all the time and at the time it's terrifying g but I don't stress before of after. Ongoing anxiety is not normal and you should seek help.

What were the circumstances? how long was he missing or was it just out of sight? Your posts are vague.

Im assuming he was 'found'? What are you on about?

These things happen often OP - no-one hears about it because usually all is well and no harm is done (except for the anxiety felt by the parents).

There has always been a 'lost children' post at our local fair... in recognition that children do get lost.

There are still the occasional tannoy announcements about lost children in the supermarket too. Shops have a standard procedure for this.

On visits to the beach etc. my own parents always used to point out a notable feature for us to make our way to if we became separated from them.

I am sorry that this event seems to have spoiled your holiday.

You sound like a lovely GP. It's a difficult situation if everyone is relaxing but the responsibility lay with all adults. For example if you were holding the boy's hand and then let go a while later (or he let go) but mum and dad were walking ahead chatting thinking their ds was holding your hand and you were briefly distracted by other child or GP, it's easy to lose a child in this scenario.

Maybe it's nicer if you can look after the gc by yourself rather than as part of a bigger group.

@TinaYouFatLard is absolutely right - it is very easy to lose a child, especially somewhere busy, or where you are all out of your normal routine.

Dh and I have mislaid our children occasionally - once dh had ds1 and ds2 in the double buggy, at the cheese counter, whilst I had gone off to look at books. He took his eye off them for a moment, and ds1 got out of the buggy and set off to find me. Luckily a security guard saw him on his own, caught him and came to look for his parents, and found dh.

Small children can move very fast, and even if you are really careful about counting them whilst you are out and about, it only takes a second's inattention for one to make a bid for freedom.

Interestingly, in the past couple of weeks, I've seen a number of people criticising a dad who was pictured with his quintuplets on reins - the shock and horror at him having them 'on a leash, like dogs' has been immense. None of his critics seem to be offering a better solution, however - maybe they think he should simply grow three more hands. So it seems as if parents are damned if they do, and damned if they don't. I've no doubt that, if the five year old in the OP had been on reins, his parents would have been slated for that.

Do all the PPs really 'nominate' someone to watch each child before they go out for an evening?! I've never in 45 years of being alive known anyone to do this. We tend to take a 'tag team' approach to our DDs. Someone is with them playing, everyone else chatting and relaxing, and at some point we'll say 'OK, Daddy your turn now' or 'Mummy's on duty now' or more usually 'Nanny, you're it'. BUT it is perfectly easy to lose a child by glancing away for a nanosecond. Nobody is to blame. Kids dart, they hide, it's nobody's fault.

I lost my dc for 5 minutes once in a supermarket when she was 4. She was familiar with the shop and one minute she was next to me and the next she was gone. She had wandered off to look at the birthday cakes. She was terrified and still remembers it. As a parent I've never felt so guilty. I don't think your ds and dil need to made you feel any more guilty than they probably already do.

This must have been extremely distressing for you op I would have been inconsolable loosing a child just for even a few minutes would be hell. The main thing he us safe and well xx

It also sounds to me like you want to blame someone.

DH once lost DS at Whipsnade.
DS was going up the slide and DH waiting at the bottom.
Lost him for about half an hour.
I was convinced he had wandered in to lion enclosure and been eaten.

My own perspective is it should have been agreed at start of evening which adult/should were focusing on which child.

I don't think I've ever been anywhere with a group of kids and adults where there has been a formal agreement made about who watches which child.

Kids run off or dawdle behind. It happens. It's briefly awful and then they are inevitably fine and everyone's relieved and life goes on. I don't think anyone - either the kids or the adults - could actually relax if each adult was watching a specific child like a hawk every second.

You say in your other post that the parents probably find it annoying that you're always checking the children are safe and you know where they are etc. I don't think many parents would be annoyed by a normal level of vigilance/concern, so I think you know deep down that you're being hyper-anxious.

You are anxious and worry about all the bad things that will happen. This one time you were right, the other times nothing came of it. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

You make it sound like your holiday was ruined but what about your son and DIL. Sounds like you were anxious and probably OTT, this didn't just happen to you. Your grandson's mother had to have someone second guessing her parenting, then she thought she'd lost her son and she'll remember that feeling as you can see from all the comments. Even if you didn't say "I told you so" she'll know you feel that way.

Difference between his parents and you is they have to "keep calm and carry on", with little kids you can't indulge in "what if's" you'd go nuts!

DS did that too - I was on one side of the big climbing structure (at the bottom of the slide as well, as it happens), he got disoriented and came down the other side, thought I wasn’t there and wandered off looking for me. I couldn’t see him as my line of sight was blocked by the structure.

I found him very quickly, but he was absolutely distraught.

She wasn't watching him when he approached me asking to find her though. He'd separated from her. He could have left the amusement arcade and gone into a busy main road. We were looking for her for a good couple of minutes, and I've no idea how long she'd been separated from her before he approached me.

Like I said, I didn't judge her for him disappearing. I understand it happens. But I expected some kind of emotion when she realised he was safe!

The other parents/grandparents have explained how they were upset when their child went missing. She wasn't. She was watching us....wouldn't most parents approach the child and say ''Oh my goodness Johnny, where were you? I was so worried!' She stood there waiting for us to approach her. Didn't say anything, didn't move towards us.

Obviously 99.9% of people would have responded the same way as me and help him find mum, but she was lucky he didn't ask the 0.1% of people who wouldn't.

It was over 10 years ago, but I've never forgotten it.

Just for clarity, I did not consider myself to be watching either of the kids that evening. I have been quite unwell this year and this was my holiday which I had had to save for for 1 year. So I was just strolling along just relaxing. The child was in fact found by myself. He was crouched down head in hands and distressed by all the noise. I just scooped him up. I don't really have anything else to say. There are a few nasty tongues on here and I don't need the grief.

OP, with kindness, you've asked for opinions and you got them. I read the whole thread and there are some really excellent posts on here, a standout is from @ChateauMargaux and another poster, sorry I forgot the username, but clearly experienced in CBT.

I think you're finding them difficult because you are in grip of your anxiety atm, but if you take a step back you may notice they come from a place of support and include some valuable suggestions. Good luck.

I can only imagine she had spotted him and had that moment of relief that he was ok then was watching to see how he handled that situation - it sounds like he was doing a good job talking to you confidently, which is reassuring as a parent to see.

I briefly (less than 1 min) lost my DS in a theme park. We’d had a pep talk about what to do if he got separated but when it came to it he just got hysterical. The more recent time we got separated he was brilliant and did everything we had previously discussed - although obviously I was upset it happened I was very proud and relieved that he had been so composed in the moment - I think if I had seen him talking to a the helpful person who reunited us I might have taken a moment to watch how he handled the situation.

Outside of something like being a helper on a school trip, no I have never known pre-agreed roles.

But what you are describing IS assigning responsibilities, just on a fluid basis. When I am with DH and the DC we do this a lot (“can you be eyes on?”). I think in larger groups or where you haven’t got that shared way of informally negotiating and communicating that fluid approach can break down and it’s easy to fall into the trap of assuming someone else is doing it rather than it being something that is explicit.

I do think when I posted this I was looking for shared experience and how parents manage the risk of a child going AWOL for a short period.
It is actually bipolar illness I have. I do have a daughter who has a clear anxiety disorder and of course it concerns me how this may impact on the children. Immediately prior to going on the holiday I was querying of myself am I actually fit enough to travel? (Due to the stress of travelling and changes to my daily routine. Routine helps keep me focused on having as many good days as I can. I am very much aware that having an anxiety driven MIL in tow was hardly their dream holiday. As against this, the parents appeared oblivious to really acknowledging my mental state. As I say, I won't be going ruining anybody's holiday another time. It was so nice however to have other adults and the children around. Normally I holiday alone, which can be a hard one.

It can be really hard when your screaming inwardly,wishing some one you've would just say the right thing to help you feel supported and held in that moment.ri get you out of the spriralling headspace. Often they don't often people don't think that deeply.its not their fault per se,they just don't have to deal with that much mental emotional in depth illin their every day lives so won't have a clue where you and your thoughts can go.
I'd say it takes an open calm convo one of being vulnerable enough to let them no.hoe hard it is.how hard and what you will struggle with and how they can support you in feel g safe. But this needs to be with someone who has that trust and ability to understand.
We always say to patients when going away to seek support in another who can no your triggers and no how to help.
It does mean asking for help.really hard I no.they aren't mind readers.though some are more intuned than other and "get it".
Do they no and usually support your illness.
Maybe also it's about putting more of your own 're unique in place.
You no those mantras.those meditive and breathing and grounding ones.so you can at least get yourself from the spiralling edge.

You don't need to be alone.
There just needs more thought into managing this.
That has to be done for lots of illness.and it's not your fault or make you bad.