Grandson was lost

[Thistlelass]

Just returned from a family holiday abroad which included 3 grandparents. Two children in the party, currently age 5 and 6. My son is the father and was with his wife. I have marked mental illness and do experience ongoing anxiety.

So one evening we were all enroute to the children's entertainment area. The Hotel was a large one and there was also entertainment going on in the grounds that night, including fireworks.
Let's cut a long story short. The 5 year old boy went missing. Now this was not for long but the what ifs just horrify me.
So I wonder what the views of other parents might be.

Would you mind doing what you user name says please.

We lost dd when a group of adults each thought she was with someone else.
Unfortunately it happens!

What could have happened?

She was watching her son. She was watching you. You were very unlikely to cause her son any harm.

Look I may be projecting my own mother into your comments but it feels like you're a) putting yourself at the centre of this whole episode and b) being very passive aggressive.

I suspect this more often happens when the adults outnumber the children - everyone relaxes because there are plenty of adults to watch the kids. I learned this when four of us managed to lose sight of one child. I think you have to have a rule that a specific person is responsible for each child at any time, and that although that responsibility might be passed on fairly frequently, it must be stated.

You sound like my mother @Thistlelass with the constant anxiety

Whenever we are all around and my nephew is there my mother is constantly fussing about where he is and what he is doing, even if he has been sat happily playing with his toy tractors for the last hour.

She says the whole 'somethings more likely to happen to him when there are more adults around' and calls my brother too laid back. But the reality is my DB and Sil are quite happy watching their son without hovering over him and jumping up every few minutes to check. Because if they parented their child 24/7 the way my mum does for half an hour they would be exhausted and probably ill with the stress and the fuss.

I'm going to be blunt sorry. But despite your anxiety and checking and feeling responsible, the child still managed to slip away. Unfortunately that can happen with small children. Not your fault, but you seem to be blaming the parents because they seemed more 'relaxed' than you. But they don't suffer with anxiety (I assume) so they are always going to look more relaxed than you, that doesn't make them bad parents. However I think you need to go to the GP about your anxiety if you haven't already.

Are you my Sil? 😂

Yep this. I am struggling to think of a parent I know who this HASN'T happened to. Little kids age 5 and 6 used to play out all the time

This.

alls well that ends well.

I visited a popular seaside resort last week, where we lost a Dc for about 10 mins (probably a lot less, it felt like a lifetime) in the big sandpit / paddling pool / play area. 15 years later my heart clenched up as I passed it.

The reality is, it happens, is always scary and only 1 in a million times or fewer is there an actual problem.

I agree with you OP that having lots of adults potentially increases the risk as everyone assumes someone else is watching them, and it’s not a bad idea to have a designated ‘on duty’ person.

But it sounds as if your anxiety is the greatest issue for you, and it would be good if you can get some support with that.

Did you stress over this cause tension with your other relatives?

I've always thought that the more adults the less close the supervision of children, it's like everyone thinks someone else is doing it. I used to be a leader at Beavers and Cubs and like most adults in that sort of position I always made sure that each adult had particular children they were responsible for and I think that is the only thing that really works

I'm glad he's OK.

Thats a shame you feel too anxious to enjoy a holiday with your Grandchildren.

One of my DC got lost several times, one never let themselves be out of my sight and the third got lost once in Hamleys and went to the counter.It is a horrible feeling and I can reset all the occasions as clear as day many years later but it is extremely common and part of life to some extent.

I think all kids get lost for brief periods of time at some point and usually no harm comes to them. DD2 was lost in Sainsbury's when she was 4 for several minutes. Someone brought her back to customer services, oh the relief! DD1 was lost, or rather Grandpa/FIL was lost, in her version of events, at a theme park for a few minutes. DD1 found him again! She was about six I think.

It wouldn't even occur to me to agree who was looking after which child before we head out. Parenting is more fluid than that. I'll walk down with Jane but then Sam wants me to cut his food, then Jane wants me to bring me her to the loo, then Sam wants a cuddle, and DH dealing with similar competing and overlapping demands. (Fake names obviously.)

We're the parents, we're in charge. But children can and do escape - I imagine 99 percent of parents lose a child at some point, and in 99.99999 percent of cases there's a quick happy ending.

I've helped with several lost children over the years, including one who let herself out of the house first thing in the morning and walked to the playground. We live by the sea and her poor mother was frantic. No judgement here.

You mention being continually anxious about the DC's whereabouts, which reminds me a little of my FIL, he gets so flustered about it he doesn't see them playing right beside him. He's constantly on edge but we've never lost either DD.

When you are in parks/theme parks etc and little ones can easily get accidentally left behind or wander off, it's a good idea if they can memorise your phone number, or perhaps for under 5s to have a sticker with your mobile number on their top or coat. For slightly older ones, arrange a meeting point if you lose one another. I do that when I'm out with other adults or DDs now they are teenagers tbh (meeting point, we aren't quite resorting to stickers yet 😂) as occasionally phone reception isn't good in busy places.

Genuine question - what are you hoping to achieve from this thread?

I assume you know it’s not normal to still be obsessing over this now? He was found, he was fine. These things happen - not ideal, but lesson learned to be careful 🤷🏻‍♀️

I am not sure how you are feeling about this but it sounds like something you should explore. Some events are truly shocking and scary and different people deal with them in the moment and afterwards, in different ways. We cannot always see how they affect other people, or their feelings at the time. Some people experience post traumatic stress after events to greater or lessor extents and this can affect how they react to future events. It is a good idea to examine your response in the moment and how you are feeling about it afterwards to understand if there are other events in your life that are impacting how you feel. The 3 step rewind process can help change how your body reacts to the memory of stressful situations which many people find helpful, for others, more intense therapies such as EMDR are useful. You might find reading the book - 'The book you wish your parents had read' offers some insights as to why people react or parent in the way that they do to gain insight into your reactions and those of your son and his wife. For children, it is important that they feel safe, that they do not feel afraid of things that might not happen and that we teach them strategies for staying safe without teaching them to be full of fear. It is a balancing act that we won't always get right. It is useful to examine your feelings when you want to shout 'don't' and understand what it is you are afraid of, what you can do to protect the people involved while allowing them to explore their boundaries.

I can think of two examples: My daughter wandered off at a summer fair, back to the craft table and my husband and I did not know where she was. When we found her, we told her - we couldn't find you and she said - I wasn't lost. She knew where she was and was not afraid - but the adults were. My sister uses a phrase - 'don't scare the adults' and explains to her children that they might know that they will stop at the road but the adults who are watching don't.. similarly when they are older, 'we don't know if you are safe when you are late and don't message us - just reassure us!

The other is an anecdote from the book I mentioned or maybe from my hypnobirthing training: an adult who was scared of heights was told when he was a child - don't do that, you will fall. Repeating 'prophesies of doom' makes people fearful. It is better to frame them positively and teach children to understand their boundaries and test them safely. If kids want to jump - teach them how to jump from lower things, while supporting them.

I saw a clip of a lost child being found on a busy beach and the people who found her and others around started clapping out a rhythm which then alerted the parents to where she was- I thought that was a brilliant way of dealing with it and wish it was more commonplace

I am definitely hormonal today, that just made me feel like crying, it sounds like such a good way of dealing with the situation. Really makes me think of community for some reason....

My own perspective is it should have been agreed at start of evening which adult/should were focusing on which child. The parents I think were in relaxed mode as were us grandparents.

I've manged that with part of the day trips - when on bus or train or somewhere busy- short periods of time but when IL came on holiday - it often just fell on me because and any attempt that it wouldn't met with well everyone watching as everyone wanted to relax or just forgetting where as for me it was daily task as was often three young children and just me.

I do agree with PP though my parents are like this taking an incident and catastrophizing due to their anxiety - often there's then pressure not to do anything or go anywhere as a result. It's unhelpful to everyone.

Here it happened child was fine - it's not an uncommon occurrence and some kids are just more prone to wandering off. At 5 and 6 there should be some understanding not to just go off and if there's not there soon will be as they get older.

DS1 got lost once at a music festival. I turned around and he was gone. Thankfully they had a brilliant system where anyone who walked in with a child at the entrance was immediately grabbed and a bracelet was put on the child with the parent's phone number written on it. And they explained the child had to go to any security person or staff person if lost and the parent would be called. I thought that was a brilliant system and it worked for us.

I like the ideas of one adult being responsible for keeping tabs on one child when out in a large group.

You can be concentrating on a child and they can still go missing. It only takes a split second for them to be infront of you and then they turn a corner and you turn the corner a single second later and they can be gone.

I can’t believe that you never lost your Ds ever. I think most parents have mislaid a child.

I think when people talk about “fearing the worst” in this scenario they’re generally thinking about abductions (unless there’s some immediate threat like being near water or a busy road).

The fact is that this vanishingly unlikely - children get separated from their parents all the time and we are surrounded by a community. Almost everyone will step in to help a lost child.

If i ever see a child who looks like they’re on their own I look around and check there’s someone with them, if I can’t see anyone I will keep a bit of an eye on them until I clock who they are with. I’ve seen plenty of people doing that with my kids too - that little look around and I gesture to say ‘it’s ok, he’s with me, I’m watching him’. That community is there all the time.

It's terrifying, but it happens. I can remember getting lost as a child and also losing my own child in a supermarket. The important thing is that a child knows what to do if this happens. If you are in a shop or business, go to the counter, if you are out and about, ask someone who has children with them to help you. It's no good saying 'look for a policeman' because they will be unlikely to find one.

I think it's more likely to happen when in larger groups of adults. Each one assumes someone else is looking out for the child and in reality no one is. One person taking responsibility definitely reduces the risks.