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Original poster

Grandson was lost

151 replies

Thistlelass · 16/08/2022 00:44

Just returned from a family holiday abroad which included 3 grandparents. Two children in the party, currently age 5 and 6. My son is the father and was with his wife. I have marked mental illness and do experience ongoing anxiety.

So one evening we were all enroute to the children's entertainment area. The Hotel was a large one and there was also entertainment going on in the grounds that night, including fireworks.
Let's cut a long story short. The 5 year old boy went missing. Now this was not for long but the what ifs just horrify me.
So I wonder what the views of other parents might be.

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 16/08/2022 06:37

Depends what actually happened and for how long. What you are describing sounds like he ran off and it took time for you all to notice he wasn't with you?

ArcticSkewer · 16/08/2022 06:37

Are you a 'fault' and 'blame' kind of person, op, and you'd like a bit of that doling out?

QuebecBagnet · 16/08/2022 06:51

It happens doesn’t it. Some kids are bolters. Sometimes there’s miscommunication. Didn’t david Cameron leave his daughter in a pub?

QuebecBagnet · 16/08/2022 06:53

Zonder · 16/08/2022 06:09

My own perspective is it should have been agreed at start of evening which adult/should were focusing on which child.

I can't imagine a situation where one parent or grandparent is nominated out of 5 for an evening all out together to child-watch. Surely all 5 would just keep an eye out?

OP is right that having a nominated person lessens the risk. There’s research that in a group if everyone has the same task nobody does it properly because everyone assumes that the other person/people are doing it better.

Cognacsoft · 16/08/2022 06:53

ArcticSkewer · 16/08/2022 06:37

Are you a 'fault' and 'blame' kind of person, op, and you'd like a bit of that doling out?

I think the dgp is just worrying about how easily dc was lost.
My dd and ds are risk averse like me. Dsil not so much and I’m thankful I don’t live nearby because I’d be constantly anxious about dgc. Having said that I think dd’s dc may grow up with more confidence although probably more scary moments too.

speakout · 16/08/2022 06:55

This thread is a little confusing.
I would imagine even the most vigilant of parents have "lost" a child, but usually found after a very short while.
We lost my child at a French campsite, we were a little distracted watching basketball, but he was only 50 yards away, playing with another child.
We lost my other child ( 5 years) in B&Q as we were pondering over paint samples, but he took himself to the customer service desk and reported his parents missing. He told them we must have wandered off and they put a call out on the tannoy for " missing parents". Although alarming that did have a funny side, as he didn't consider himself lost.

What are you hoping to get from tthis tread OP?
Yes most parents would be very alarmed, and of course the what ifs would make us feel very worried. Most parents would still be able to function despite the anxiety, looking, asking others to look, reporting to staff etc.
I don't think it takes a "bad" parent to lose a child, even with vigilance children are curious and fast, and unless watched every second of every day can get distracted and get under the radar.
The overwhelming majority of children are found quickly, not too far away and no harm done.
If you are concerned about overall risk remember that more children are harmed at the hands of their parents ( not suggesting that is the case here), a close family member or someone they know.

Cyclebabble · 16/08/2022 07:04

I and many others will have had the experience of momentarily losing a child. It is gut-wrenching It is possible for everyone. I am super careful and lost sight for a second. Luckily no harm done. Not sure what the point is OP? No one deliberately loses a child and I am not sure it is helpful after it has happened to start telling people to be more careful?

Goosygandy · 16/08/2022 07:05

My sister only recently told me she lost my son on a beach when she was supposed to be looking after him. He was four at the time and is now 21! She found him eventually playing with another boy. As PP said, it's probably because I was on the beach at the same time but she'd offered to look after him for a short time but wasn't as focused as if we hadn't been there at all.

Musti · 16/08/2022 07:05

I think most of us have briefly lost a child and it is more easily done when there are more than one adult looking after them. If you’re on your own, you have your eyes on them all the time.

Ohheythereitsme · 16/08/2022 07:07

I have lost sight of one of my children twice and now they all wear apple air tags attached to their clothing when we are going on outings. The feeling of losing one of them even for a short time has really stuck with me and the air tags at least mean I may find them again.

Original poster
Thistlelass · 16/08/2022 07:07

It comes naturally to me to assume something of a responsibility to my grandchildren even though two parents really had that resting on their shoulders. I am quite sure they must have been sick of me checking on the kids' whereabouts and safety. In some respects I wish I had not gone on the holiday and I am unlikely to repeat the experience. It was too anxiety provoking for me, which is most definitely my own problem.

OP posts:
Nomorefuckstogive · 16/08/2022 07:09

Try to move on from this. How wonderful that he was found! Try not to dwell on it. He is safe and that’s ALL that matters.

Namechanger965 · 16/08/2022 07:10

MIL let go of DDs hand and went to let her run off across a car park when she was 2 and my mom let her wander off on a beach when she was 4, assuming that she would ‘go straight back’ from the sea to where we were sat. DD came running down the beach about 100m in a different direction, my mom hadn’t even watched to check she had gone the right way.

I always ensure that I’m the one watching my kids in public, unless someone has taken them somewhere specifically (like the toilet). This tends to be very rare and only in soft play type places anyway where there’s limited places for DC to run off to as I’ve learnt that I can’t really trust the grandparents to watch DC.The only person I trust to watch them are my brother and sister, as I know that if I turn to pay for something or go to the toilet they automatically keep an eye on them, and they are far more cautious than I am.

WinterMusings · 16/08/2022 07:24

spiderontheceiling · 16/08/2022 06:22

Just to add that when I say that the task can be made harder by a grandparent intervening, I mean the scenario we had on holiday years ago when DC1 was about three. We'd had a discussions about who wanted an issue and it was just one GP and DC1. The ice cream place was literally across the (thankfully quiet) road from where we were. GP says "come on then, let's go and get an ice cream" and sets of with DC1 toddling along with them. GP strides into and across the road with DC1 now trailing a few feet behind and I suddenly realise that GP is oblivious to the fact that we'd presumed they'd take responsibility for DC1. DH had also realised this and was already getting to his feet and racing after them.

But what kind of idiot says 'come on then' to a 3 yo & doesn't take responsibility for them??

Roselilly36 · 16/08/2022 07:25

Yes, happened to us with DS2 a couple of times, awful feeling. DS1 stuck too us like glue, so he never got lost, but DS2 was much more daring, our eyes were on him all the time, but we still lost him on two occasions that I will never forget. But as pp have said there is no benefit in mulling it over, just thank your lucky stars that no harm came of it. Even the most diligent parents can be distracted for a second or two and that’s all it takes.

namechange30455 · 16/08/2022 07:30

Thistlelass · 16/08/2022 07:07

It comes naturally to me to assume something of a responsibility to my grandchildren even though two parents really had that resting on their shoulders. I am quite sure they must have been sick of me checking on the kids' whereabouts and safety. In some respects I wish I had not gone on the holiday and I am unlikely to repeat the experience. It was too anxiety provoking for me, which is most definitely my own problem.

What help are you seeking for your anxiety?

Trivester · 16/08/2022 07:36

It can be very hard being with people whose risk awareness is different to yours, particularly when you can’t just step in and assume responsibility.

Sometimes if one person is worrying loudly, others will take up different roles in response. I’m wondering if this might be what has happened here? That other family members are playing the situation down in response to your reaction?

PowerPack · 16/08/2022 07:38

Can you honestly say this never happened to you when your own DC were young?

I think I'm a contentious parent, but both of mine were "lost" momentarily in busy places a couple of times. It happens to all of us and thankfully, the vast majority get away with it.

It's an awful feeling, but it doesn't help anyone to have Grandma pointing the finger.

Monstamio · 16/08/2022 07:48

It sounds like you felt the parents were too casual in general about watching their children this holiday and this was your "told you so" moment.

But as others have said, perhaps this is because other adults were there who they thought were on the case. Or perhaps they are just more relaxed about these things than you but did actually have eyes on what their kids were doing without helicoptering. Until this moment. Which could happen to anybody.

Or perhaps they are negligent.

We weren't there so it's impossible to say.

BordoisAgain · 16/08/2022 07:51

DiscoBadgers · 16/08/2022 06:33

It’s a bit different for us as our DS, who is 5, has significant SEN, so we have to watch him like a hawk 24/7, but with a neurotypical child I think it could happen all too easily - it’s something that happens to literally everyone with a small child, pretty much.

We always take a photo of DS at the start of any kind of outing so that if he were to wander off we have a photo of exactly what he’s wearing etc. And a really good piece of advice is if you do lose a child, don’t just shout your name, shout their description so that other people can look too. EG “Have you seen Alice? She’s 4, blonde, purple dinosaur dress” because then everyone in earshot is looking for a blonde 4 year old in a dinosaur dress.

Lastly, and most importantly, teach your child what to do if they are lost. I found a lost little girl of about 6 or 7 at a very busy tourist attraction when DS was a baby and it was a total bitch to find her family because all she would do was hysterically scream “MUUUUUUUUUUUM!!!!!” over and over again, ignoring questions of “what’s your mum’s name?” “What is your mum wearing?” “Where did you last see her etc” that would have helped us actually find her. We taught our nieces and nephews that you find a member of staff, the police, or you ask a mum with children for help, and if you realise you are lost you never, NEVER leave the place you’re at.

I saw a clip of a lost child being found on a busy beach and the people who found her and others around started clapping out a rhythm which then alerted the parents to where she was- I thought that was a brilliant way of dealing with it and wish it was more commonplace

JinglingHellsBells · 16/08/2022 07:54

This comes over as if you are wanting to blame one of the parents.

Is this what you meant?

Otherwise, the natural reaction from anyone hearing of a child lost, is to be worried, but then thankful they came to no harm.

saraclara · 16/08/2022 07:55

Zonder · 16/08/2022 02:33

My view is there were 5 adults there who are all close family members. Children are slippery and it's easy to lose sight of one for a few minutes but you would hope the chance of this was really slim with 5 adults all with them.

I think it's even easier to lose a child when there are multiple adults. Each person ends up thinking that someone whose is watching them. That's how it happened when my eldest wandered off.

If you're on your own with your kid you never relax the attention.

It sounds as though your condition means your unable to let go of this panic feeling, OP. But the child is safe, and the what ifs don't matter

ArcticSkewer · 16/08/2022 08:03

Why are you obsessing? Were you always like this or has something changed? A bereavement? Menopause? Would you consider cbt? It's a shame to ruin your time with family with untreated mental health problems.

Spidey66 · 16/08/2022 08:03

I was on holiday in Cornwall one time and was in an amusement arcade when a little boy of about 3 approached me and asked me to help find his mum. Of course I said yes, and I was gently asking him what was mummy wearing, what colour hair she has, is that lady his mum etc. I started taking him to the main desk with the plan to put out something over the PA when I noticed a lady watching us. I asked him if she was his mum, and he said yes. I explained to her he'd asked me to help him find her.

I didn't judge her for losing him, I get it happens. But what I did judge her for was the total lack of emotion when reunited. There was nothing from her and she didn't thank me for helping her child. It was like I'd just given her her ball back, not her small child!

WhenDovesFly · 16/08/2022 08:03

When my eldest DD was just 5, my DH and I took her to a local shopping centre to buy some bits of uniform for starting school. My DM came with us. We also had my younger DD aged 2.

We too should have agreed who was responsible for watching the younger child (hindsight is such a wonderful thing!) but we each assumed another person was doing it. Actually we assumed my DM would have tight hold of her while me and DH discussed uniform. Lo and behold, after a little while we notice youngest DD is missing. Panic ensues, we search the shop and she's not there. We run out into the shopping centre, calling her name, and to our relief two older ladies were walking towards us holding her hand. Yes, she'd wandered off to explore and couldn't find her way back. I can't describe the panic and how sick I felt in the stomach when I realised she was gone, and it was a lesson learned the hard way.