Grandson was lost

[Thistlelass]

Just returned from a family holiday abroad which included 3 grandparents. Two children in the party, currently age 5 and 6. My son is the father and was with his wife. I have marked mental illness and do experience ongoing anxiety.

So one evening we were all enroute to the children's entertainment area. The Hotel was a large one and there was also entertainment going on in the grounds that night, including fireworks.
Let's cut a long story short. The 5 year old boy went missing. Now this was not for long but the what ifs just horrify me.
So I wonder what the views of other parents might be.

Are you receiving therapy for your anxiety? I grew up with a parent with an anxiety disorder and it was horrific for me. I say this kindly, please seek treatment if you haven't already.

I still don’t understand what you’d like to get from this thread. At the end of the day, the child was very briefly lost, and then found safely again with no harm done. Of course it’s a horrible feeling (I’m another one who’s had it happen) but it’s done now and all is well. Do you want people to slate the parents? Tell you that your anxiety is entirely reasonable? Or are you looking for reassurance that it’s ok and these things happen? Do you yourself know what you need from this thread?

Life is full of risk, but most of the time things are ok. It doesn’t sound you enjoyed this holiday very much, and it’s quite
possible that you also affected the enjoyment of others, as you
yourself acknowledge. It’s also unlikely that your anxious behaviours actually improved the safety of the holiday because despite all of them, your DGS still got briefly lost - and was found safely almost immediately. So it’s up to you really. Are you going to try and seek some help to bring your anxiety under more control? Or are you going to carry on as you are? If you could begin to reduce your anxiety levels, it might make you a more effective assessor of risk and therefore actually improve the safety of your grandchildren, as you’ll be focussed on the risks that matter rather than trying to control everything and not managing it.

I think your over thinking it due to your anxiety. Most people lose their child at some point (I lost dd once, she snuck out the back in a charity shop), yes it’s scary but it happens and usually the child is found pretty quickly. It’s a part of being a child and being a parent, my dd remembers it well and after getting lost she never did it again.

I lost my toddler for a few minutes in the library as I was checking out books. Two older ladies found her and gave me a right bollocking which I thought very mean in the circumstances. I have found lots of lost toddlers in the park wouldn’t occur to me to lay into the parents 🙄. The op reminds me of them actually. Must be marvellous to be practically perfect at all times 🙄

At least the child was within the hotel complex. I lost my 8 year old DD in a North African souk, in a maze of alleyways, and can still recall the sickening anxiety over 20 years later.
When I finally found her, after backtracking endless alleys with other DD aged 9, shouting her name, she had been grabbed by a hard selling bangle salesman.
DD was indignant to be pulled away, protesting that she had haggled him down to 5 dinars!

OP, I think most parents have had that heartstopping moment of horror, having mislaid a child. But you can’t dwell on “what if”, you need to be thankful that all turned out ok and put it behind you.
I hope you are receiving therapy for the mental health issues you mentioned.

What actually happened and for how long? A short lapse is human and could happen as a lot of these stories show. But it would piss me right off if you were watching me watch my child all evening.

My view is it's not worth dwelling on. Even the most careful parents sometimes lose kids momentarily, and 99.9% of the time they are found quickly and nothing sinister has occurred.

Losing a child briefly then finding them again is scary but a very common experience.

I think you need to work on your anxiety and hyper-vigilance, which I imagine come across to your child and their partner as criticism and judgment.

I lost my son for about 5 minutes or less but it seemed like a lifetime and my heart was ripped into pieces I was frantic. I was on a large family walk he was 6. He was often running slightly ahead etc but not far on a circular walk there were 5 of us. I got to a moment where I said where is x? And I turned in horror and I couldn’t see him I was distraught and frantic he had stopped to look at something I went running back and he was crying his eyes out and was with a family who were comforting him I felt awful

It happens, I've lost mine before. It was awful at the time. I'd probably feel less concerned in a hotel grounds though than somewhere open and more public (depending on acres to pools etc). Not sure what your post is actually asking. It was worrying but it always is. He was fine.

I think it is so easy on holiday for these things to happen, especially when you are in a larger family group.

i think it is very important to be hyper vigilant around water, in busy crowds etc but it sounds like your GS was lost just walking from point A to point B within the hotel which TBH isn’t the kind of scenario when most people will have assigned roles and responsibilities.

The scenario I mentioned early when I was oblivious to having lost my own child was after a day when we’d been in a very crowded place, DCs were wearing wristbands with phone numbers on, we’re under strict instructions what to do if they got separated, my DH and I were constantly checking in with each other who was watching who. Then later on we lost a DC doing something completely routine, when we had let our guard down.

You seem to be set on blaming the parents. It's actually easier to lose a child in a large group because each may think someone else also has an eye out. I'm sure they hated it too. It's over. Don't dwell.

I lost ds2 in a very busy park. He ran off from the play area on a festival type picnic day. I ran all over looking for him. I have 2 dc and frankly can only watch one at a time.

I was in a quiet park recently when similar happened and you could hear the parents panicking for the approx 90 seconds until he was found.

Ds1 (11) recently got lost in universal studios florida! We were playing in the fountain / universal sign outside and he took himself off to the toilet without telling everyone. We then left the fountain dh and ILs, then separately me and ds2. Both groups assumed he was with the other. It's just a good thing we met again at the boat as otherwise we could have gone back to the hotel without him!. We went back to the sign and he was there but upset to have been left alone for quite a while like 5 mins.

It's easily done and I don't know anyone who hasn't lost their child.

The first time was on holiday funnily enough. We had gone with my sister, her husband and children and my mum. They had insistingly offered to watch our eldest who was then only two as DH and I walked to the shop from the beach.

Come back half an hour later and walk up to them only for there to be no DD. Turns out they had forgotten they were supposed to be watching her/assumed she was with us and cue a frantic screamed search only to find her playing with a troop of Spanish children about 100 yards up the beach.

In some ways it's easier when other people lose them because you don't have to blame yourself. However, it's so easily done. I lost DS earlier this week at Waitrose after taking my eyes off him for what ten seconds? The blame game never helps unless there's severe neglect.

Yes your anxiety is your problem and I hope you get help for it. It's not fair for you to impose it on the parents who were trying to enjoy their holidays. Its almost impossible to raise a kid without them getting lost at some stage over the 20 years. And if you manage to do that, then you could easily cause other problems by being over controlling. Parenting is difficult.

I think losing a child
Momentarily is more common than you imagine

Kids can be slippery and you just need to
Take eyes off for 30 seconds

Its horrible but the chances of a kidnapper watching on and taking a chance are incredibly low

I do understand. I have 3 young DC and am going on holiday next week. Of course I'm glad we are going but I can't deny I am quite anxious about navigating such young children in a completely unknown place. There will be lots of adults but I don't be able to let my guard down at all.

Luckily DP is similarly vigilant so we will split the children up (in terms of focus/responsibility) so we don't feel so stretched. When I think of it for any length of time the anxiety I feel is actually pretty overwhelming I do have anxiety though so although there is an element of rational fear there is also quite a big element of irrational fear.

And it's not like I haven't lost DC before! I've lost the oldest when she was 3 at the beach for a couple of minutes, she was of course just happily playing with someone else's bucket and spade... Lost her in Asda once and this summer lost my 4 year old for about 10 minutes at a huge outdoor play part and that was heart stopping.

I just hate the feeling of losing them I don't deal with it well at all.

You are allowed to make the decision that going on holiday with family is too stressful for you.

We have done it twice. The first time was no holiday at all and stupidly we repeated it because - family. Never again! It's forever changed my view of my SIL.

That's really disturbing; she was just watching you?

Sounds like she knew where he was but was seeing what he'd do in the situation where he thought he was lost tbh

My ex brother in law rescued a young boy drowning in the sea on holiday once. His parents had absolutely no clue and it took a fair few minutes for them to realise what had happened. They didnt even say thank you or seem greatful their child nearly died but luckily some parents are vigilant.

It scares me to death to think of my DD going missing or something happening. My partner makes a joke of me being like that but sadly this day and age people post about people trying to snatch kids ( some times of the year seems more common then other times) A young girl with her daughter was stalked to her car from a supermarket by two foreign men who blocked her car in and shouting and banging on her windows, the security in the store saw these men had followed her the entire time but luckily people near by stepped in and the quickly drove of.

Its not worth thinking about the what ifs etc as you will drive yourself mad. Just see it as a little lesson for the future

@Thistlelass You’re letting your anxiety spoil your enjoyment of life. Have you tried hypnotherapy to help you rationalise your thinking?

We had a family holiday a few weeks ago with 2 grandparents, 4 adult DC. (Inc. partners) and 3 children.

As a grandparent and parent to one of the DC, I was happy to let the adult DC. parent their own children, so at no point did I feel anxious about what the GDC were up to. They’re not my responsibility. Youngest DC. who is in Primary school is.

I find it a lot harder to look after and keep track of DS when other people are getting invovled. If you've been very vocal in keeping track of the kid then they've probably relaxed thinking you'd be on it. I much prefer when people just keep out and leave me to it. Even just like helping me dress DS or put him in his pushchair. Theres just more hands in the way.

I think you're looking for people to say that they were irresponsible and it was a disaster but honestly it happens alot and they don't need you rubbing it in their face.

I lost my Gds, 4 at the time, in a huge, very busy, playground area. I’m not normally an anxious type but I was beside myself, screeching his name at the top of my voice, terrified that my little blond Gds had been abducted.

He turned up after a few minutes that seemed like a lifetime - he’d just run off to where I couldn’t see him. The relief was colossal. Quite a normal sort of reaction, I’d have thought, both the sheer panic and the aftermath. I dare say it happens to many of us - we heave a massive sigh of relief, thank heaven it ended well, and move on.

@Dreamwhisper yes…..standing watching us!
@Christonabike37 i don’t have kids, so I maybe wrong…but he seemed too young for that kind of life lesson! Anything could have happened!