Distance from home

[splendidlyambivalent]

Very interesting thread on a Facebook site I am on. The poster says she (he?) doesn’t understand why parents want their kids to choose unis within a 2 hour radius. So many replies say it is sensible because of need to support them if ill/ND etc. But a lot of the replies also mention parental convenience (selfish criterion IMHO). My eldest three DC never considered distance - they all went to the best uni for their course (in a place they liked). Their unis were 3, 5 and 8 hours away - despite fact two of my DC are ASD. It was the making of them - rather than asking me to visit to sort out a problem (as they had always done at school), they stepped up and got in the habit of doing it themselves! And when they were ill (freshers flu etc), none asked me to scoop them up and take them home. If it had been serious, my drive would have been a couple of hours longer - so what (unless we are meant to be choosing unis on basis of kids having life-threatening injuries). I just think parents are way too neurotic. Am I wrong? Being so far away from us, my three learnt to problem-solve for themselves and be self-sufficient adults who didn’t pop home constantlt for weekends. Love them to bits and missed them but we all coped not seeing each other for 10 weeks at a time (thank you FaceTime!). They got the maximum out of their uni experience as a result. I ask this question as youngest child about to submit uni application and she has picked Edinburgh, St Andrews, Durham, Lancaster and York - all many hours away from us on south coast!

I really don’t see how coming home for a weekend in term time means they’re not independent. Mine sometimes comes home, for a break from her student house, because there’s something happening or a friend she wants to see, or maybe just because she misses family. Then sometimes she won’t be home for weeks. She doesn’t miss anything about ‘university life’ if she’s home for a couple of days at the weekend. If something particularly exciting was happening she wouldn’t come home. And she’s sorted everything herself, from applying to uni right through to sorting any issues and second and third year accommodation, including arranging storage in between moving from one place to another.
It almost feels like some posters have to justify to themselves why their children dont want to come home regularly….

An increasing number of kids go to their local uni, much of the rest of Europe does the same. It is not a barrier to independence for any of them. The UK is a bit of an outlier in expecting our kids to leave home permanently from 18.

Enough with the sneery comments and generalisations. Including your dc in an event that is happening in their home town is standard behaviour ime and does not mean parents cannot let go or that students are not fully independent. And then we have this massive leap of logic that they probably won’t want a job too far away either..what utter poppycock!

My DD travelled independently around China and comes home to visit her wife array of friends at home. It’s very simplistic thinking to state far away= independent, close by = needy and Molly coddled!

Oh my goodness, both my children were in completely different countries to us!
It is tough as a parent, and I won't lie about how worried I was, but if you have a strong relationship and open channels of communication, distance isn't really an issue.

@HostaCentral it’s totally the norm in Europe & trains are probably cheaper & more reliable over there. Halls are also way cheaper.

@splendidlyambivalent what sort of problems are parents resolving? I was only 90 mins away from home for uni but my parents never came to visit or help with anything. I can’t see why they would need to.

You seem very judgmental about students going within a 2 hour radius. How far away do they need to go to be an acceptable distance (in your opinion)?

You are also assuming that parents can afford bigger allowances & petrol & hotels. For some families finding an extra £200 at start and end of a term is a lot of money (on top of living allowances). You seem flippant about this cost.

Mine stayed close to home, that’s because Unis of Durham, York and Leeds are very decent unis, a lot of their friends did the same. One commuted for the first year as they didn’t feel ready to leave home.

The other one still has something locally they come home for quite a bit. Related to their course.

Once you’re in a city rather than a sleepy moors village your experience will be the same wherever you are won’t it?

You are still coming across as missing the point re finances.
Lots of parents are struggling to make up shortfall in loan or paying accommodation whilst dc lives on min loan.
It’s never a £80 premier inn, accommodation is in demand at uni move in and move out dates. £150 ish hotel, fuel, pet sitting, day off work. Some parents will be carers for elderly relatives and can’t easily disappear for a couple of days. Easily adds hundreds to our yearly uni spend.
I didn’t stop dc going where she wanted and she’s hours away in another country but that’s from a financially privileged and only child perspective.
I admit I got a pang last weekend when a couple of friends were able to meet their DD’s at Xmas markets in the uni city. I don’t see how meeting your mum at a Xmas market on a Saturday afternoon makes you less independent in grand scheme of things. One of the girls 90 mins away at uni travelled to Asia last summer and will be working in USA for 3 months next summer. uni choice is only one part of the picture.

I must admit that I was as keen for DD to go where she is for post grad as she was as it is a city I had never visited before and had always wanted to visit. I love visiting DD, not just to see her but to explore the city and shop in Uniqlo 😁

😂 @RampantIvy . One of mine is doing 26/27 in Denmark, I’m absolutely delighted. 😍

Yes I’ve been up a few times and enjoyed getting to know a new city.
DD had to put in her 3 picks for her semester abroad recently. I’ve certainly not pushed her to any particular country but there was a conversation we needed to have re finances. One option visa is £1000 more than other choices for a start.
Again some dc will go to a uni several hours away but not take up opportunity to go abroad for a year or a semester. Yp an hour away may opt to go abroad. I’d say former is less adventurous in that scenario.

Not sure where I went wrong when I typed my previous post, but I'm glad it made sense to those who responded 😁

I can see my fiercely independent but ND. DC1 opting to stay within 2-3 hours in case wants to come home. DC2 who is a home bird.. who knows but wherever they go I suspect I’ll not see or hear from them from one term to the next as it’s won’t occur to them

My three younger siblings and I all lived at home while attending our local university, though at different times. We commuted by train—about 50 minutes on a good day—even though driving would have been faster. We stayed socially active and joined clubs and activities we enjoyed, but we never got involved in the heavy-drinking, drugs, party side of campus life. In the evenings, we’d just catch the train home. We were a bit different from most, working informally on the family farm out of responsibility, while many students with jobs seemed to spend their time on questionable behavior like there was no tomorrow. For me, this was all over two decades ago. None of us took out loans; growing up in a farming family, debt was something to avoid. If my own kids choose to go to university, they’ll also attend the local one—though not the same one I did, since I’ve lived in another city for many years.

@ThisTicklishFatballso you paid the university fees up front and didn’t take loans for that?

Seriously? I failed my 11+ and managed to get into a top RG and my best friend, also an 11+ failure, went to Cambridge.

Curious discussion. It seems self-evident that DCs will try to choose a university that best meets all their particular needs (course, campus/city, preferred distance from home etc) and a parent would support that?

It's definitely easier, cheaper, more pleasant to travel back home if a Uni is 2-3h away, rather than 5 or 6 and in my experience students in their first year at least may want to return home for the odd weekend during term time.

I don't think coming home to see family and friends occasionally (even if armed with a bag of laundry) puts fledgling independence in any great peril. Although if my DC were travelling home every weekend I might question that...

Or in my case not question, but unquestionably support a young adult who had made it to uni despite a clinical MH diagnosis. It is not a one size fits all experience.

I have 3 dc, and it completely depends on the child. DS1 could have gone to Uni in America or Australia quite happily, very independent and resilient child.

DS2 didn't want to be too far away from us in London and didn't apply to any Scottish universities. He only came home occasionally but I think he liked the proximity of his Uni 2 hours away.

DD is an anxious child, gets really wound up by illness or stress. She and I will be much happier having her a couple of hours drive away at most.

My friend's dc went to a Uni many hours away, had a complete mental health crisis and is now at Uni in their hometown, and everyone is much happier as a result.

Different strokes for different folks!

How shockingly and appallingly judgemental of you.

My parents paid the university fees upfront, back when tuition was much lower and more affordable. We went to state schools from primary through secondary, which allowed them to cover all three years of university for each of us. Since we lived at home, there was no need for maintenance loans. As I mentioned before, my family avoids taking loans because we’re debt-averse.

My DH was brought up in a “debt averse” family. Not necessarily a good thing. As a result, we missed out on capitalising on the property market back in the 90s as he insisted on the lowest mortgage possible - so had to buy a very small (too small!) house for our needs. I knew he was wrong but could not persuade him otherwise and his parents kept whispering “debt is bad” in his ear. Fortunately friends educated him not long after, his parents sadly passed away and we moved, got max mortgage (still affordable) and then absolutely cashed in when we came to sell.

Btw this is what AI has to say about debt aversion:

Being debt-averse to the point of blocking a child from taking a UK student loan for university is generally not a good thing in the UK context.
UK student loans are uniquely favourable: they’re income-contingent (you only repay when earning above ≈£27,000–£28,000, currently), interest is roughly inflation-linked rather than commercial, repayments are capped at 9% of income above the threshold, and any outstanding balance is written off after 30–40 years (Plan 2/Plan 5). In effect, the loan functions more like a time-limited graduate tax than traditional debt, and most graduates never repay the full amount.
Refusing the loan on ideological grounds often forces families to pay upfront fees (£9,250/year) or forgo university altogether, which typically reduces lifetime earnings far more than the cost of the loan ever would. For almost all UK families, taking the student loan is the rational financial choice, even if one dislikes debt in principle.

Uni fees are just shy of £30,000 a yp now so for a parent to be able to pay that especially if two or more children at uni they are in the very wealthy demographic.
The no loan as we lived at home ‘free’ is again from privileged position of parents able to support financially and not needing adult children paying board. Lots will lose child maintenance or certain benefits when children are 18 at uni and can’t afford to support them (food, bills, bigger housing, transport) Public transport costs can be high to get to uni.
I’ve seen posts on facebook groups where parents have pressured kids not to take maintenance loan just tuition loan and the yp is missing lectures and activities as can’t afford train fare to get in to university daily or even afford lunch or to join a society.

Are you from overseas @Cakeandusername ?
Tuition fees for UK students are £9,535 per year for 2025/2026.