Distance from home

[splendidlyambivalent]

Very interesting thread on a Facebook site I am on. The poster says she (he?) doesn’t understand why parents want their kids to choose unis within a 2 hour radius. So many replies say it is sensible because of need to support them if ill/ND etc. But a lot of the replies also mention parental convenience (selfish criterion IMHO). My eldest three DC never considered distance - they all went to the best uni for their course (in a place they liked). Their unis were 3, 5 and 8 hours away - despite fact two of my DC are ASD. It was the making of them - rather than asking me to visit to sort out a problem (as they had always done at school), they stepped up and got in the habit of doing it themselves! And when they were ill (freshers flu etc), none asked me to scoop them up and take them home. If it had been serious, my drive would have been a couple of hours longer - so what (unless we are meant to be choosing unis on basis of kids having life-threatening injuries). I just think parents are way too neurotic. Am I wrong? Being so far away from us, my three learnt to problem-solve for themselves and be self-sufficient adults who didn’t pop home constantlt for weekends. Love them to bits and missed them but we all coped not seeing each other for 10 weeks at a time (thank you FaceTime!). They got the maximum out of their uni experience as a result. I ask this question as youngest child about to submit uni application and she has picked Edinburgh, St Andrews, Durham, Lancaster and York - all many hours away from us on south coast!

@ShanghaiDiva Have you ever been to Liverpool or Newcastle late at night? What about Bath late at night? Have you noticed and differences?

@ShanghaiDiva I think Liverpool, Newcastle, Cardiff people get much more dressed up to go out. Bath, Bristol, Exeter the dress code is more casual - and they wear coats!
So if your child likes going ‘out out’ and getting dressed up they might have more fun than somewhere that has a more casual vibe.

@splendidlyambivalent you seem really judgmental about what other people are doing. We all have different circumstances. We earn enough for DD to get minimum loan but not enough to pay high halls rent or have to factor in a hotel stay just to do a drop off or pick up. So we have probably not encouraged places like London, Brighton, Edinburgh for example as we just can’t afford to pay the extra rent. Not all unis can be reached on Flixbus & train fares are high. So for some people a 2-3 hour drive will give them plenty of choices. We have loads of decent unis within a 2-3 hour drive. So why go for example up to Manchester when Exeter, Reading, Cardiff, Birmingham, Southampton etc would offer the same standard of education? You seem to look down on teenagers who want to keep in touch with school friends. Are you still in touch with school friends? I am & it’s really nice having friends for 40 or so years.

@converseandjeans Also dc understand this even if parents don’t! I’ve known quite a few choose unis for the going out vibe. Others, of course, want a quieter time with quieter students. However drinks parties happen everywhere so choice of hall might matter too.

The sanctimony made me cross

Oh, the irony.

DD was a couple of hours away by car for undergrad and the same, depending on traffic for post grad.

These were the universities she wanted to go to. The end. We visited one university by train that required an overnight stay due to distance, and the journey home was awful. We were told that Cross Country often had cancellations on this route, and as trains weren't that frequent and DD didn't like the university anyway she struck it off her list.

Although, I was pleased that when lockdown started I could travel to DD's university and back in one day with her and all of her stuff.

I was also pleased when DH colapsed and ended up in hospital for several weeks that DD could come home and visit her dad without taking several hours to get here.

I haven’t visited any of those places late at night. Hence my question…

@ShanghaiDiva You would notice the difference!

I'm from London myself (currently living in Yorkshire). I find my London based relatives more xenophobic than most people I have met.

And don't the southern universities - Bristol, Bath, Exteter, for example, have a higher percentage of southerners and students from the home counties than students from the north?

wanting people like them in larger numbers

Doesn't that apply to students from London and the home counties, most of whom don't venture north?

State educated Yorkshire born DD made best friends at university with students who were privately educated. She didn't go to university with preconceived ideas about avoiding people with more privileged backgrounds. Interestingly, Newcastle has a relatively high percentage of privately educated students at just over 22%.

There are some odd stereotypical views on this thread.

@RampantIvy It’s easy for London students to travel to London and SW universities but they certainly travel to Durham. The number of privately educated dc at a uni tell you where London and SE students go. They are more likely to be privately educated and not care about distance, Edinburgh has long been popular. I would be interested to know how many students from Liverpool or Stoke are at UCL. Why would they spend the money? London also has many students who are from immigrant families and some won’t want to move out of their home environment but many others will to get the best non London universities.

My yp is an hour away. Absolutely nothing to do with helicopter parenting or any other neediness the op seems to be referring to. Everything to do with that was the uni they fell in love with. The other choices they had included being 4 to 6 hours away. Distance hasn't made a difference to their experience. They live there, they sort out everything accomodation wise and uni wise, they deal with illness etc. They come home at times but it's because there are gigs we have booked, family occasions, orthodontist appts etc. sometimes we see them every other weekend, other times it's months. They still have friends in our local town who they like to catch up with. They also go visiting friends in other parts of the UK and managed to do so all by themselves. Hardly a needy person.

There’s no way sometime 4-6 hours away comes home every other week. All of that is done in the holidays. They are very long. Gigs? At uni city not with mum and dad!

If that's to me, they are not 4-6 hours away so not sure why you are saying that.

Yep they love going to gigs with us. They go to others with their friends but do go with us too.

Completely agree

My two children are the same 😊

@TrixieFatell I meant if they were, nearly everything dc has come home for wouldn’t be possible. All those things might well have affected choice of uni. Especially the gigs with you. Thankfully dc have their own tastes and pay for what they want. You taking him must be a huge draw to stay at home given ticket prices!

It was more the research opportunities that convinced them to go to where they are. The other unis just didn't have those. One of the other options which is about 2 hours away is somewhere we go to a lot for the gigs and where their best friend is but their uni just offered more so they chose that one.

You'd think but they pay for their own tickets. We like some of the same type of music and enjoy going to gigs, we have always been a big live music family. They do have their own tastes and they do pay for what they want to, happily going with friends but occasionally they want to go with us.

The student is not at home, they live an hour away. Can we stop the sneery comments re your child is not fully independent if they don’t attend a university at least four hours away and only come home at the end of term?
Similarly all these generalisations on where students in London go and how wonderfully independent students from the south east are.
It’s perfectly standard to maintain friendships in home towns and still do things as a family; it’s not something to be derided and looked down upon.
FWIW my ds attended university over 5000 miles away from home- so in the top trumps of my child is more independent than yours - I win…you’re not really independent if you limit your uni choice to the uk 🙄

Some of the attitudes on this thread 😒
It doesn’t matter where your kids are, near or far. What matters is that they enjoy coming home when they do and you have a great relationship with them.
Would love to know what some of these posters make of those of us who didn’t go to university. In fact, I didn’t even move out of home until my mid 20s. I still somehow managed to become a fully fledged and very independent adult, despite not moving 200 miles away at 18.

Good to see you in here @ShanghaiDiva
We were on the same higher education thread a few years ago when our DC started university.

I agree with your points. DD was only two hours away by car (longer by public transport) but she was, and is, completely independent and didn't come home at all during term time. She even spent most of the holidays in her student city apart from during lockdown.

Exactly. I've got a lovely confident independent yp living their best life. And I get to share bits of it with them occasionally. I really wanted them to go and live their best life at uni, whether that was from across the road, or the other side of the world.

Thanks for all the comments on this thread. Much more balanced and with more compelling counter arguments than on the Facebook group! On that group, the consensus is that parents get a huge say (many dictate a 2-hour radius) because they are providing some funding (very often nowhere near what they are expected to - but, in any event, also nowhere near as much as students themselves are saddled with for decades in loans!) and an £80 cost for parents staying in a Premier Inn at the start and end of year to facilitate drop-off/collection is relevant (ofc it isn’t - the £160 p.a. pales into insignificance when you think most students are taking on £13k debt p.a. minimum!). I do think it is a shame when students come home multiple times a term though - sorry but I do! Semesters are short and they are missing out on uni life (notable exception for lower unis where a lot of students commute - I totally get why DC would want to come home if campus is deserted at weekends). Finally, on the Facebook group, a common reason for DC being close is that parents can help them out when they face challenges. I do think the fact that my DC are further away means they have become more self-reliant as mum and dad no longer their first port of call. On the Facebook group, I see parents jumping in coz their 21-22 y.o. still can’t handle common curveballs! Anyway, thanks again for thoughtful-provoking posts.

A friends daughter is at university in Aberystwyth, she lives in Kent and is unable to drive due to a health issue. Her daughter has been extremely unwell and has now received a life changing diagnosis. Her carers do not provide care on weekends, and the care agencies have so have proved themselves to be extremely unreliable when booking additional paid for weekend care visits. It takes just over seven hours on the train, and costs around £90. The coat takes 13 hours and also requires a train and taxi to the nearest pick up.

I am so sorry. But you cannot choose unis on the basis of an illness/injury your healthy YP might get. it is statistically highly improbable and life-limiting to use that prism. Different ofc if she was already ill when firmed - in which case, bonkers to choose Aber so far away if mum can’t drive. Presumably the DD, having a life-changing diagnosis, will now intermit and transfer to home uni (assuming still able to study)? All best to her x

I do think the fact that my DC are further away means they have become more self-reliant as mum and dad no longer their first port of call.

Just stop it.
You are still being judgemental and sneery.
Maybe your DC didn't need or want to come home during term time. There is no need to be disparaging of others who do.

However, I do think that a lot of young people are unprepared for going to university and living independently and would benefit from a gap year.

Nope. It is what I have observed. When things have gone awry at DS1 and DS2’s halls and house shares, nearby parents have immediately driven over and stepped in. Or students retreated to home and left it to my DC and others to resolve. Fact.

@TrixieFatell Why do you need to do this in term time though? You have the very long holidays. It seems parents cannot let go and must be involved in dc’s life. I do think dc choose a uni to facilitate this and I agree with @splendidlyambivalent that it doesn’t give young people the total freedom to get on with university life if they are always looking for what’s available at home aided by parental involvement. They probably won’t want a job too far away either and that can also be limiting.