Cost of student accommodation, I could cry

[ElbowsUpRising]

So Dd has found out today she’s been accepted into Manchester and is looking at accommodation, of course all the stuff she likes is £260 a week. 51 week contract as well! It’s all the fancy, swish stuff though she is adamant the reason she wants the expensive stuff is because she’s prioritising her safety as she wants something close as she’s “terrified of getting raped” if she has to walk back to her digs late at night.

she won’t consider a house share, she won’t consider cheaper halls a bit further out.

so accommodation is looking at 13k a year! She will get minimum student loan so think that’s 5k.

she won’t be able to work partly due to her health- she has fibromyalgia but nowhere near bad enough for PIP. Also she will be doing architecture Masters which if anything like her undergraduate degree will be too full on to be able to work as well.

so we will need to find another 8k a year plus however much she will need per week for food, etc. I’m guessing over £50 a week. Nearer £100 a week? So another 5k. How the fuck do people find 13k a year?

im trying to impress on her the difference that cheaper accommodation will make on her (us) and she’s just going nuts and accusing me of risking her safety and putting her at risk of being raped!

Is £260 a week normal?

OMG this has taken a turn. DH and you need to be on side and on message. Can you take him out for meal or drink and talk it over

But how does he expect to afford it?
It's all well and good being idealistic about giving your daughter everything she wants but then there's the actual reality which is completely different.

Maybe approach this while thing from that pov, brainstorm to find ways to afford it then when you can't, it's not you saying no, it's her demands are too high.

What an entitled madam. Don’t give her a penny, let her pay her own way.

@ElbowsUpRising As a graduate of Manchester uni (a long time ago) I've had a look to see what halls they offer for post grads and can see why your dd has come to the conclusion she has, as if you put self catered ensuite in there is one hall that is in Victoria Park quite a way from Oxford road (ie the main bus route) so could be a bit scary to walk back to, and another that looks pretty basic. Then there are the newish places on city campus of which the one you mention on another thread is one of the cheapest, but still extortionate at well over £200 a week for the whole year.
The halls open to post grads that are well located are Hulme Hall and Ashburne Hall which are both close to Oxford road. In my day these were some of the most popular. They would be easy to get back to by bus at night. However they are catered and probably shared bathrooms.
If your dd goes to visit Manchester she may not like city campus as most British students will choose to live the other side of the uni in Victoria Park (where Hulme hall is) or Fallowfield (where Ashburne is) so she will have less chance of having people to travel back with after a night out.
Therefore I think your dd has these choices:

1. pick a decent catered hall like Hulme which is easy to get back to and good value and where she will be more likely to make friends.
2. pay the extra for state of the art accommodation on city campus which even at that price she might not enjoy.
3. look for another uni that has more of the type of accommodation she wants....but then it might not be as prestigious for her subject.
4. Look for a small post grad houseshare in Fallowfield or Withington with ensuite showers. It will probably work out a lot cheaper than the luxury hall.

Your DH has said that he'll pay. Does he have a separate account that he can use?

She's emotionally blackmailing you to get what she wants. Give her a limit and she has to make up the rest of the cost. That's her option surely? MSc's are for adults.

And apparently she wants to be with the international students because they’ll be clean and quiet and respectful. I told her she’s being a total princess. She will bully Dh into getting what she wants. I’ve told her I’m not paying for the Canada flight. I’m not giving her a penny towards uni. She says she can’t wait to get away from me. That she’s been abused by me her whole life

Yes. He does

@ElbowsUpRising . Who does the domestic money management, is responsible for paying the bills in your house?

Fine. Try to ensure that he doesn't take money from any joint accounts.

Someone is certainly being financially abused and it's not your daughter.

Oh dear. Stick to your guns. She can get a loan and you pay the difference but the costs should be reasonable. I think you take her anger to heart. Is she normally this unstable? I would expect DH to back me up and actually I would have her present. I’d present a united front to her and give her living options. Look at where she could go and prices. Dont accept the safety rubbish and get DH on board.

@IDontHateRainbows There are not enough jobs to go around. It’s tough to get work and stay in a job. Lots of architectural practices are on the edge of viability. It isn’t always the great career it should be given the long training.

@SteveKLK
Most young people do work hard and are perfectly reasonable.

Also this idea that graduates earn minimum wage and have mountains of debt - it’s not true because the loans don’t work like that. Minimum wage - no repayments at all. Free degree except what parents have contributed.

We have a joint bills account that we both pay into. Our current accounts and savings are separate. I actually have no idea how much Dh earns or has saved up. He quite possibly has money in the bank to give her.

She's wrong about the international students. They're entitled horrors. Absolute slobs in the kitchens and shared areas. My son and another friend in a different flat had to report them to housekeeping weekly to avoid being fined themselves. You think she's a princess, the entitlement of some international students is on another level.

I did tell her this was a total possibility

Leave the pair of them to it then. If this Part 2 is anything like the usual workload of a part 1 then she'll be spending very little time in her overpriced ivory tower and you're right to dig your heels in.

I'd remind him that he lives with you fifty two weeks of the year, his princess sporadically and he has to buy her attention.

As for not knowing his earnings my gast is flabbered.

Let her fleece him, then. Take yourself off on a nice holiday with your money. You deserve it after putting up with this crap. A nice jolly to Canada, perhaps.

After getting my honours degree in Russian, I wanted to do a postgrad interpreting diploma.

Dad told Mum that if I signed up for that, then he wouldn't retire. He was a coalminer and working in a pit where lots of accidents were happening as the older miners retired.

I agreed with Mum that I'd look for a job but apply for a PGCE in teacher training as a back-up. (A university careers adviser told me that I'd covered enough English Lit as a minor to be able to train to teach English.) As far as Dad was concerned, I was getting a job. (We were both terrified that he was going be killed - his best friend had had a horrific accident.)

I did try to find work, but was consistently told that I was overqualified. I got into teacher training at the last minute, just as Dad retired and got a job teaching upon qualifying, so that was 11 months before I was earning.

I was fortunate in those days - my grant was enough to cover my expenses: I had a bedsit above a pub.

I do regret not being able to take the interpreting diploma, but I'd been supported by my parents long enough. I'd like to think that I eventually paid them back.

I sometimes think that some middle class children just have too comfortable a life, based on what I've seen in my own family.

I think your DD needs counselling. Why did she live at home for three years? What a bizarre decision from her. Does she have any friends? If she wants international students she’s not going to have a fun filled uni experience. They are not slobs! Many will be rich though. I’m beginning to think I would pay up to be rid of her. If you have no idea what money DH has she can easily divide and rule. DH and me never did this and I saw his tax returns and we made joint savings decisions. Could be fun with hidden assets if you ever get divorced! Let him pay and take the peace he’s buying.

That I just don’t want to pay for her because I never wanted her.

She sounds really immature, I feel like this is something an angsty teen would say. In your 20s you should be old enough to be more realistic about how you came to be, not all pregnancies are planned and it’s not the end of the world.

I have no practical advice OP but I just want to add I feel for you. My DD has become more entitled over the years to the point that sometimes it feels slightly delusional and I also struggle to put up boundaries due to a number of reasons, one of them being she’s immunocompromised. I can’t lie, sometimes I wonder if she uses it as a way to get what she wants, even subconsciously.

My DD has been informed after uni (in which she’s choosing to stay at home with no maintenance loan) she’ll be expected to pay her share of the household running costs. This has greatly offended her and she announced if it’s cheaper to just rent a room then she will move out. It made me sad to think I’m just seen a cheap option but honestly, I also think adult children moving out might be a good thing for them sometimes. They need to grow.

Don’t engage with her trying to rile you up. Have a chat with your DH and then announce whatever conclusion you reached.

@WearyAuldWumman Most of us will happily support dc and for post degree qualifications too. We have for both DDs but, especially for one, she needed the qualification for her career and she now earns a lot. Money well spent. It’s not cushy to train for a career via studying. Architects, doctors, vets, lawyers have to do it. It’s part of being a parent.

@TizerorFizz I don’t think anyone is saying it’s cushy, but it is a privilege that not all families are able to provide and OP’s DD seems ungrateful and unappreciative.

Yes, thank you. You've worded that very well.

I think this is a learning opportunity, if she can't afford it she will have to earn more or compromise somewhere. Halls of residence are close, flat shares mean someone can look out for her.

There is no way only safe flats are expensive and making comments about you risking her getting raped are awful. Give her a budget of what help you can afford to give her and she can find something in it or earn the difference

Alternatively she could look at courses that would allow her to live at home.

You aren't being mean, you're just making her make grown up choices to have a grown up lifestyle.