Cost of student accommodation, I could cry

[ElbowsUpRising]

So Dd has found out today she’s been accepted into Manchester and is looking at accommodation, of course all the stuff she likes is £260 a week. 51 week contract as well! It’s all the fancy, swish stuff though she is adamant the reason she wants the expensive stuff is because she’s prioritising her safety as she wants something close as she’s “terrified of getting raped” if she has to walk back to her digs late at night.

she won’t consider a house share, she won’t consider cheaper halls a bit further out.

so accommodation is looking at 13k a year! She will get minimum student loan so think that’s 5k.

she won’t be able to work partly due to her health- she has fibromyalgia but nowhere near bad enough for PIP. Also she will be doing architecture Masters which if anything like her undergraduate degree will be too full on to be able to work as well.

so we will need to find another 8k a year plus however much she will need per week for food, etc. I’m guessing over £50 a week. Nearer £100 a week? So another 5k. How the fuck do people find 13k a year?

im trying to impress on her the difference that cheaper accommodation will make on her (us) and she’s just going nuts and accusing me of risking her safety and putting her at risk of being raped!

Is £260 a week normal?

I’ve been struck by your passivity. Your daughter is abusing you and, like an abused wife, your abuser had got you in the mentality of thinking things have to be like this. You seem to believe that you just have to fund her expensive accommodation, even though the stress of finding the money makes you want to cry, and even though she has £20k she is frittering away.

This post of yours above makes sense of why you have tolerated her behaviour. It’s not so unusual to you as it would be to others.

Maybe your daughter has a genetic inheritance from your Mum. Maybe, due to your upbringing, you were not so able to assert boundaries. It’s a sad truth, that if you let people boss and bully you about, they don’t like or respect you, they come to hold you in contempt.

There’s no chance of your daughter changing if you don’t start setting some boundaries.

I’m chronically unwell with a physical disease, studied a STEM subject and only got minimum student finance so I worked 25-35 hours a week as I wanted nice accommodation. If she wants the nicer housing then she’ll need to work.

also I’d be surprised if her food bill was that much, ours is £60 a week for two adults from Sainsbury’s.

Haven’t read the whole thread but from what I have read you need to say no. It’s like you’re parenting a toddler who wants an ice cream and they are having a tantrum. You simply tell her what you are prepared to pay - the end. If that means a year out working to save or whatever then so be it. You are not doing her any favours and I can guarantee she will be asking for money from you for the rest of your days.

She’s an adult and needs to take responsibility. Mummy and daddy can’t be bailing her out all her life.
I started uni and by 21 had a baby, 2 jobs, no parental support and still graduated.
it made me stronger and an understanding of personal responsibility not to mention if you want something in life then you have to work for it.
how long are you going to be subsidising her?

Honestly I don't think I would be helping with living costs at all. If she can go and blow £20k and then expect you to fund uni I would be telling to a very strong NO. OP you are letting your daughter walk all over you.

No. Just no. This is her second degree?! Living alone in a fancy flat is not uni territory. It’s I’ve got a job and pay my way territory. She needs to get real.

You're the parent. Tell her the budget and stick to it.

I am (putting mildly….) somewhat indulgent. We will be able to comfortably afford wherever our daughter wants to study, for however long, in whatever halls she wishes.

I can honestly say, I am genuinely horrified by the manipulation and emotional blackmail your daughter is putting you through here. To me, it crosses a significant line and she would be saving up to self fund or getting a postgrad loan or doing this year also living at home, because the moment my child tried to state if I didn’t pay for exactly what she wanted, I was putting her at risk of rape, the money tree that (apparently) grows at the bottom of our garden would be felled at the roots.

You don’t get to go around in life using fear and manipulation to make people who care about you acquiesce to what you want. And this is very much a want. If she genuinely is worried, she wouldn’t go to uni in a large city. She’s done 3 years at home and that’s exactly where she would stay if she was concerned about her personal safety.

She needs to grow up, fast, and you need to not enable this behaviour.

She will be finishing for the summer in a couple of months, I suggest you tell her (and mean it) that she needs a full time job over the summer to build up some savings.

Tell her what (if anything) you are willing to contribute per month and let her be an adult and figure the rest out herself. Matter of fact, this is what we can contribute, you need to figure out a budget etc and then you choose your accommodation. Don’t get sucked in any further than that. This is a life lesson and she really needs to learn it.

I was going to say she needs to defer, work for a year and save up, but no, priority should certainly be to get her out!

I had missed the bit about her living at home for her undergrad studies - which gives me a bit more sympathy for her moving out for the first time and maybe finding the idea a bit overwhelming. Is there an offer holders day you could both attend to get an idea of the area and the accommodation options? You need to be very clear what level of support you can offer and she needs to decide on where to live accordingly.

BTW there are lots of studies these days linking narcissism to genetics. So yes she could possibly be one like your mother unfortunately.

I have a suspicion of this kind of thing in my own family. It’s awful to be sandwiched in between the poor or abusive behaviour of two generations; it feels like a double whammy of unfairness and lack of affection and respect. In this situation you have to decide to take care of and prioritise yourself 💯. I hope you get to do that OP and not put up with any nonsense from anyone.

Wow
incredibly entitled

Because we didn't have to pay anything during her first degree I don't mind paying for accommodation this time but not for swanky 13k halls. I'm going to work out a sum based on about £180 a week accommodation and say that's what she gets from us per year total. She will get just under 5k maintenance loan so if we pay the accommodation then she can use that 5k for food, etc which should be ample.

I think she's spent 1.5k of the 20k we'd saved for her which makes me sad and I hope she doesn't go through the rest of it over the next couple of years but I wouldn't be surprised. I'll be making it clear to her that there will be no more money towards a house deposit, etc. She can come back home if she needs a roof over her head after her Masters for a while but that's it.

DH is not the most communicative of people and it's hard to talk about it when dd is about. I brought it up in bed last night and he said we all need to sit down and talk calmly at some point but he didn't want to discuss it any further so I've no idea what he thinks is reasonable and what isn't.

If she’s ‘burnt out’ from working for a year, I’m not sure architecture is for her? Kindly Op, you have created a monster. She sounds awful. No work ethic whatsoever, and pissing all her money away travelling then asking you to find her studies is outrageous.
I wouldn’t give her another penny.

Where does it all lead op if she won't live in a houseshare and can't work? What is the plan for after uni? It's quite unusual to live in student accommodation after an undergraduate degree.

It's nowhere near £13K
DS gets paid termly so he has to budget. We pay approx £800 a term towards accommodation, the loan pays the rest, he gets just over the minimum amount.
Then I send approx another £400 a month for extras, including food So about £1600 a term in total- £5K ish a year.
DS has a job in holidays and saves the money, so anything else he pays for himself. He can't have a car at uni but travel, going out etc, he pays for.

Is your DH firmer with her? Does she manipulate him in the same way she manipulates you? If not, hand it all over to him and let him deal with her. Tell her it’s nothing to do with you.

she sounds utterly irresponsible and if I were you I'd not give her another penny until she sees sense.

She needs to start living in the real world.

We gave DCs house deposit money but they didn't actually 'see it' until they were ready to buy. But equally we made it very clear it was for housing or higher ed (ie PhD as they already had masters.)

Get a DSA assessment, if there are medical needs to have somewhere close to uni / with an Ensuite or whatever they will apply a discount to accommodation (I know someone who had this at Manchester Uni)

I lived in Manchester for years, it’s not that rough. Her logic makes no sense, does she plan to live a 2 minute walk from her work place for the rest of her life? She wants the posh room and is emotionally blackmailing you to get it. Tell her to grow up or she will be like this in relationships

Exactly.
If she needs a year of after working for year who would employ her?

It's a nonsense.

How can she be burnt out with work yet have the energy to go travelling across the world, enduring time zones, jet lag etc?

She's been spoilt.

She's hardly disabled if she can swan off around the world, doing long haul flights and having fun rather than working and being responsible.

That’s for DASS to assess, not randoms on mumsnet.

Sorry, they’re called DASS

https://www.dass.manchester.ac.uk/frequently-asked-questions/